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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I might have helped dh make the wrong decision. confused. please talk to to me... <long>

55 replies

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:18

there are loads of posts relating to this, but I have been unhappy in our relationship for a long while. In brief - we moved for dh's work, he works long hours (not as long as some I know, but long for me) meaning he doesnt see ds for more than 30 mins a day (if we are lucky), we had to cancel a holiday as he was called into work, I feel like he wants the weekends for himself and that he doesnt want to spend time as a family. the end result is that I am VERY unhappy.
we went away for a few days round friends, and the same things are happening again - he hardly helped out with ds for the first few days, left me wheeling a screaming ds round a site and eventually going home alone while he took photos, ds was really whingy in the night and dh got rather arsey to us both about it.
I think we entered the break with different expectations - he wanted time to relax and do his own thing, and I wanted us to be together as a family.
we had a discussion this evening and dh concluded that we are not happy together, regardless of his working hours, and that we should split up. I have been entertaining the idea myself for a while now, but now the decision has been made, I am not sure it is the right one.
I dont know what I want, or what to do.
please someone talk to me.

OP posts:

ShinyPinkShoes · 01/04/2008 21:20

Maybe some time apart will help you both to reassess things.

Lulumama · 01/04/2008 21:22

sorry that you are having a horrible time

life is stressful

new jobs are stressful

moving is stressful

having young children is stressful

splitting up is not going to suddenly make you more of a family and you want family time and it is not going to make life less stressful

you had different expectations of the break..but did you talk about it beforehand? do you talk ? communication and dialogue so important

Relate? counselling? mediation?

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:23

yes, I think you are right, but it doesnt appear to be happening that way.
I havent asked him to move out - our house is already up for sale as we were moving, and we have just said we will sell it and split up.

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:25

it sounds such a frivolent deicsion doesnt it.

we have been here a while before, but things got better then went back to where they are again. I dont think he wants to work on it anymore

OP posts:

millyk · 01/04/2008 21:28

Sounds like you have both made the decision without much talking, if that makes sense. Have you thought about counselling? Would he consider anything like that?

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:30

milly - do you mean we both decided we should split up, then talked about it and came to that conclusion as that is what we were looking for?

I dont even want to approach him at the minute. maybe tomorrow I could suggest relate. we nearly went before but things were briefly ok again before we went so we cancelled.

OP posts:

millyk · 01/04/2008 21:34

Not sure really, Sorry. Not much help am I! I feel for you though. My husband and I separated nearly a year a go. I guess your feeling very confused. Both of you. It is hard isnt it. Do think about relate though, maybe not right away.

marina · 01/04/2008 21:35

Do please go to Relate
Even if ultimately you do both decide to split, some Relate sessions will help you to discuss the issues in a neutral and supportive environment
They don't aim to make you get back together at all cost
I would recommend talking it through...because actually, the first year after your first child is possibly the hardest time you will ever endure as a couple. It's frighteningly normal to find each other deeply irritating and unsupportive at times...but it may not mean the end of your partnership.
Good luck ratbunny

AAL · 01/04/2008 21:37

Oh you poor thing. That sounds dreadful. How about a trial separation, to help you both see the wood for the trees.

SmoothandWilkie · 01/04/2008 21:42

Rat - just popped on from Post-Natal. I'm so sorry but I really really think you should discuss Relate with DH. Big hugs xxxx

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:42

I think a trial separation would be a good idea, but I'm not sure how to suggest one.
I recently stayed with some friends with ds but without dh, and he did say he missed us both a lot. but when we got back things went back to where they were.
now with the whole 'lets sell the house and go our separate ways' I am not sure how to ask him to move out for a trial period.
or how to suggest relate without him saying its all pointless.
I feel like we have fought ourselves into a corner - like I said, I have been entertaining the idea of leaving for a while, and I think he has too. But I'm not sure if that;s really what we both want.

(and it's our anniversary tomorrow )

OP posts:

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:45

thanks wilkie

OP posts:

millyk · 01/04/2008 21:48

If you are not sure what you want then tell him now. Before its too late. This is a big decision, be as honest as you can.

SmoothandWilkie · 01/04/2008 21:49

Don't stay away from the thread - we miss you and can offer plenty of shoulders to cry on if you need us!

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 21:55

thanks wilkie that cheered me up a bit! I just havent had anything happy / positive to say on the thread for a while, and don't want to be just moaning and bringing everyone down

OP posts:

SmoothandWilkie · 01/04/2008 22:07

Trust me, you daft sod, you are not the only one. I am moaning cos of relocating, Susie is going through a tough time with DH, Lizz DS has CP and MrsC has been diagnosed with cervical cancer.

We are there to support each other, please come back.

slim22 · 01/04/2008 22:18

Am I the only one thinking he opted for the easy way out?
This is such a classic situation with a young family. He just wants it all.

I would also strongly suggest counseling.

I was in a similar position.

DH works looooooooong hours. Sees DS 30mn in the day. Plays with him 15 and then shoos him off to mummy.
I do not mind doing the main caring during the week.

We also moved for work (3 countries continents in the last 4 years) and his general attitude was typically what you describe during your break. Different expectations.
He did not realise that I could feel very isolated in a toddler twilight zone . That although I was grateful to be a sahm for these precious first years, I had actually given up a life (work/social) so that we could take these few years to become a family.

He has changed a lot in the last year though. We did not go to counseling. We did a lot of talking and both realised what the "expectations gap" was.

It's just the very common situation in a young family.
The woman does the main caring for kids, turns into a mum rather than a wife. Too chattered to make efforts with partner. Partner thinks YOU changed rather that THE SITUATION has changed. He carries on thinking and behaving like a childless couple and you resent him for the selfishness. He resents you for pointing that out to him. vicious circle.

You can get through this but he's got to realise it takes 2 to tango.
I came to terms with the fact that yes he does work hard and needs "me" time . But he also learned to give in somehow. To us as a family and to us as a couple.
We both make efforts to give ourselves time and attention to nurture our couple.

Don't let him get off the hook so easily but do listen to his grievances and get counseling if you hit the wall.

Irisheyes78 · 01/04/2008 22:26

Very well said slim.

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 22:28

slim - that is exactly right! he is acting like a childless person still. and yes, I think it would be an easy option for him for us to be separated - how much less he would have to see ds (but then he might also have to spend a whole day with him too, instead of being just in and out!)
how did you get past the 'expectations gap'? he seems to think he spends loads of time with us (not like he is doing it for him, but for me iyswim), but I think he spends loads of time doing his hobbies...

OP posts:

Flum · 01/04/2008 22:33

Oh my God no. Don't split up a family just coz things are a bit bumpy. Please no.

If he beats you, makes you cry all day or gets you into so much debt you can't see a way out or is so vilely unfaithful that you can not see a life together beyond it, then you have a good reason to abandon the marriage.

Surely you can rub along for a bit until things get better. Try to look for the good in him. My DH does sweet FA for the kids but he does bring inthe money and they adore him and he will do it if nagged relentlessly. It helps that i adore him too. But sometimes I don't.

Please please please don't be so light hearted about causing your child to grow up the product of a broken home. Kids hate it. If you can see a way through please do.

Sorry to go on. But your message made me feel so so sad.

Divastrop · 01/04/2008 22:41

if you still love each other then you can get through this.and come out the other side.

and post-natal threads are 90% moaning arent they?

Original poster

ratbunny · 01/04/2008 22:42

flum - it has been a bit more than bumpy. we have been arguing about this for many many months now, and things have gone up and down a lot.
I dont think I want to break up with him. But the onus is really on him. I dont know how to get him to change his mind - which is why a trial separation or relate is much more preferable. I think we need some space from each other temporaraily and some help - selling the house and splitting up isnt the answer for me.
we really arent happy, but I don't know how to get through to him about how we can go forward together

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 01/04/2008 22:48

the onus is on both of you I believe!

Seriously, it sounds like neither of you can express how you really feel and Relate or similar would help a LOT with that

pls do try that before a trial separation

littlewoman · 01/04/2008 22:55

I feel very sad for you Ratbunny. This is a horrible, horrible experience. I really hope you can resolve it and stay together. Families are so important.

slim22 · 01/04/2008 22:58

Well the turning point was when I said we'd be better off without him.

I said I'm young, smart and want and can easily get more of life. I'm obviously the main carer for DS so check that one too he comes with me.

DS and me are a family and we'll stick through thick and thin because there is no turning back the clock.

He can't cope? Then go ahead and get a bachelor pad and do his own laundry and feel free to entertain himself as he pleases without guilt.

TBH I was really convinced that I would be better off just DS and me. I think he sensed for the first time that I was not merely annoyed by his attitude but was starting to thinking in "me" terms like him.

Now how we took it from there:

Make a pact to be gentle and loving towards each other. Forget about DS for a second and rekindle the romance. Have sex, talk, go out. Learn how to be a couple again and then start over learning how to be parents together.

Of course we are all different and relationship move in mysterious ways. So that's not a blueprint, just my experience.

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