I might have helped dh make the wrong decision. confused. please talk to to me... <long>

[ratbunny]

there are loads of posts relating to this, but I have been unhappy in our relationship for a long while. In brief - we moved for dh's work, he works long hours (not as long as some I know, but long for me) meaning he doesnt see ds for more than 30 mins a day (if we are lucky), we had to cancel a holiday as he was called into work, I feel like he wants the weekends for himself and that he doesnt want to spend time as a family. the end result is that I am VERY unhappy.
we went away for a few days round friends, and the same things are happening again - he hardly helped out with ds for the first few days, left me wheeling a screaming ds round a site and eventually going home alone while he took photos, ds was really whingy in the night and dh got rather arsey to us both about it.
I think we entered the break with different expectations - he wanted time to relax and do his own thing, and I wanted us to be together as a family.
we had a discussion this evening and dh concluded that we are not happy together, regardless of his working hours, and that we should split up. I have been entertaining the idea myself for a while now, but now the decision has been made, I am not sure it is the right one.
I dont know what I want, or what to do.
please someone talk to me.

you have explained to him that as a father he can't do stuff as he pleases and have a good relationship with his child. Does he really think if he walks away he can then dictate when and how he spends his time with his child?

Maybe you need to get some control back by saying 'ok - you leave, you make the decision, you have this freer life, but that's it, no chances to come back, no retrying' and also tall him that you will be sorting out when and how he gets to see his child and he will have to fit in with your plans rather than it be the other way round.

I did actually do that beanie.
Sadly I think he will be happy spending 1 day + night a week with ds. Ds will miss his daddy, but tbh dh doesnt spend that much time with him anyway at the mo. Maybe 1/2 hr before and after work (that is, being in the same room as him), and a bit at the weekend. So ds might actually get MORe quality time with him if we split up.

He just constantly moans about not being able to go out and do his hobbies. But I recently arranged a baby sitter so we could go somewhere together, with is work mates. Turns out the baby sitters wasnt there for long enough, so we went somewhere closer. He never told me (and probably didnt even know) they were going somewhere 150 miles away, the other side of London. Bascially, he wants to go out all day every weekend doing his own stuff. So if we do separate, he gets his cakes AND eats it imo.

Then he has the audacity to say I dont do mine anymore - I DID do mine, but he complained that it interefered with our weekend (class was 3pm on Sat, so it DID interefere with any days out) so I gave it up, no fuss.

I honestly dont know if I can be bothered to fight for time with him anymore....

He basically wants to split because he wants more time to do his hobbies. That would make me so mad, specially after you've tried so hard to make it work

You know, ratbunny, I have been reading books recently about relationships what with h and I going through a really bad phase, and one thing that I thought relates to your situation is that sometimes it is not what you get out of a relationship, it is what you put in.
It really sounds like your h just isn't putting anything into the relationship.
He sounds selfish. He is part of a family but wants to act single.
I am so sorry you are going through this
I bet there is a much happier future waiting for you just round the corner

Ratbunny so sorry to hear you are going through this. No advice to offer I'm afraid, but ((hugs))