Should I cut ex MIL out child’s life?

[littleheartsx]

My ex and I separated at the end of last year, it has been an absolute shit show since. His family hate me, and I have tried to salvage a relationship with them for the sake of my child ie sending flowers on birthday, Xmas gifts, Mother’s Day texts etc etc. In return I have been blocked by them.

Anyway I found an old iPad in my home which I charged for my child, within this iPad I found messages that conclude my ex partner was an absolute cretin during my pregnancy and after our son was born , however I also found messages (very recent, last week, so I’m assuming still connected to my exs iclocud) from my ex MIL to my ex partner stating how I am a narcissist, a covert narcissist and multiple screenshots of instagram pages describing what she believes I am - I would obviously disagree, and if anybody was any of those things it would be her beloved son. These messages state that he shouldn’t give me attention, support me, be more lenient etc. I have no idea what the hell she is talking about as her beloved son has cut contact with our child to one night every eight nights. Other messages include a meme “take your ex back or take a big line of coke” with a photo of a man covered in what I assume to be “coke” and another meme that says “don’t hit the grandchildren, me with my children” and a video of a woman swinging a child about.

She is a recovering alcoholic, has bipolar disorder and is quite frankly a total nasty arsehole.

Not only do these message enable her sons shitty behaviour but they also encourage him
not to have a healthy co parenting relationship with me. I don’t feel that my son is safe around this woman. I don’t think it’s in his best interest either.

She will refer to her own daughter’s ex partner as a “sperm donor” infront of their children, I won’t tolerate that kind of behavioir towards me infront of my son.

I know I cannot stop her from seeing my son when he is in his dads care, i would need some sort of court order? Should I go down this route? Would I be wasting my time, I really don’t think she brings anything positive to my babies life.

any advice or help is appreciated

OP - just stop trying to force a relationship with her. No messages or other contact.
You can’t stop her seeing your child while he is with father. Court won’t go along with it - unless she is a proven danger.

Just focus on your life with your kid. You can’t control what Ex’s family is like.

Plus - she is NOT the reason Ex is a crappy parent. He is an adult and it is HIS choice.

Maybe gradually scale down the contact, but still send birthday cards etc. ie, be the bigger person.

Screenshot the nasty messages, store them away for now and focus on you and your child.

As suggested, keep a screenshot of those messages, and then stop trying to maintain the relationship.

Any decent GM would make effort to stay in contact with her DGCs. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

She sounds vile, and a terrible example, so not someone I would want my children having contact with anyway.

I am dealing with this too, my ex MIL is the darkest coldest narcissist and is severely enmeshed with her son (my ex). He is her surrogate spouse. She pays far more attention to him than to our kids, to the point where I am worried the kids would be in danger in her/their care.
I asked my solicitor and was told that unless she is actively provably a danger to them I haven’t got a leg to stand on
sorry OP, solidarity with you
you sound like a much better ex-DIL than me!!! I found the nicer / more compliant I was with her and ex, the worse they treated me
you are allowed to have your own boundaries x

You're so wrong. By re inforcing negative messages she is part of the problem. it could very well be the case he is listening to his mum and acting on this advice thinking shes supporting him.Your advice to op is the exact poor advice that this mil has been giving to her son. Op can act and should act if this woman is harmful and that's not to say she can prove their behaviour is poor but if she is concerned then she owes it to the child to speak up or act. No point telling someone 'just focus on your own life' what kind of a bloody mother would she be not be concerned. If you can only be dismissive and talk utter rubbish don't respond to ppl here.

The problem with trying to live my own life is he has so much say in it because we have a child together.

he won’t let me put him in nursery which means I have no childcare I work nightshift from home with my baby sleeping next to me. I sleep when my baby naps

he won’t let me vaccinate him

he won’t allow holidays abroad when I have travelled since I was 19

he will allow me to date but nobody can meet our child for FIVE years so you can where that would go

His mother and his sister don’t help, I would love to just focus on my own life but it is so difficult when I feel like a puppet on a string

You know you don't have to go along with what he wants. It only takes one parent to vaccinate them and I would get a child arrangement order to be able to go abroad from now on.

I think you're going from one extreme to the other here, and, also to be pedantic about language and its usage, your thread title is wrong.

Why were you buying them flowers when it was clear they never liked you?

Just let your ex facilitate contact (or not) in the short amount of time he sees DC and don't bother with them the rest of the time.

So that should play in your favour because you now know very clearly where you stand.

How to react and what to do will depend a lot of whether your exos likely to want to control your life like forever. Or if he is going loose interest quickly.
But I certainly would not encourage contact and wait for him to lead. See how much he actually wants to see his child.
I’d give him as little info as possible avoir your life.
Then get legal advice on the sticky stuff such as giving your child his immunisations or going to nursery. I very much doubt he can stop you from doing that. But knowing exactly where you stand will make you feel more confident and doing despite him forbidding you iyswim.

i would also contact Women Aid and look at the Freedom Program so
you have an idea of tools you can use to deal with him.

Screen shot everything. Don’t tell them you have access.

He doesn’t get that much say. Take your kid to get vaccinated if you want. You can put your child in child care during your access time if you want, he doesn’t have to agree. Just as you’ve said you can’t stop him taking his kid to his mums in his time, please see that that’s the same rule for you.

Agree with some of the course recommended here

If she’s blocked you there’s no relationship and you shouldn’t waste your time or money sending her anything. You can’t stop your ex spending time with your child and his family because you don’t like them.

As for your update and his rules, there’s plenty there you can happily just ignore. He’s got contact less than once a week, you don’t have to speak to him at all short of brief handovers, which you could ask someone else to do for you if possible. Stop engaging with him. You can lessen his attempts to control you by simply ignoring him.

Firstly, the word cr**in is grossly offensive. Please ask mnhq to remove it.

Secondly, get your child vaccinated and get a child arrangement order to go on holiday.

Forget about mil, she’s the least of your problems.

It sounds like they have eroded your self esteem and conditioned you into believing you have to fit in with whatever they say.

They don't get to decide what you do with your child in your time. Get them a passport and take them abroad, get them vaccinated and put them in childcare.

I know it's difficult to change your mindset after being in a controlling relationship but once you do and the fog lifts you will gain your life back

Start off small with going no contact with the in-laws, you do not need to have a relationship with them

How can he stop you vaccinating your child or even putting him in nursery? Surely if he sees him so little, he won't even know.

Hell no. Don't obstruct but don't proactively instigate any contact eg birthday cards

You don't have to do any of that

Do what the fuck you want - get a partner, put your kid in nursery, get a specific issue order if you want to go on holiday

Just ignore him or tell him to fuck off

This.

Block all your ex's family, and focus on yourself and your Dc.

You can't reason with the unreasonable.

He's making you think he's in charge of you. He's not. If you want to vaccinate, then do it. You won't need both parents permissions. If you want to put your child in nursery when they're with you, then do that.

You know you he doesn't get a say in any of those things (apart from the travelling abroad) right? None of it. Go and book a GP appointment on Monday about the vaccinations.

Jesus. Please stop engaging with this man about anything unless it's about pick up and drop off times for your son. Stop with your MIL too. It's his responsibility to foster a relationship between her and your child not yours.

Please look into things like the freedom program or contact woman's aid and ask for help.

Apologies for the use of the word cr**in I wasn’t aware that it was such a derogatory term, I always believed it to mean just an unpleasant person. How do I get it removed?

Im not sure how to reply directly on this, but I got her flowers because it was her birthday and I knew her son wouldn’t, so I got her them from our son with a gran card.

I don’t hold grudges and I forgive and move on from things (which they clearly don’t) but I suppose that’s why I still went to the effort and probably at one point still hoped there would be a reconciliation. I no longer want that and have accepted that will never happen, so I just want to move on.

I guess I’m struggling with the messages she has sent to her son about me being a narcissist as I think that’s a strong claim to make, and it also feels like she wants to brainwash him to ensure we never co parent in a healthy way.

We had originally planned to go on holiday together as it will be our sons first time and he pulled the rug on that and any other plan we had in place because I said our son could meet a future partner after one year if it were serious enough, and he said I am trying to jeopardise his relationship with our son and that he has to be at least 5 and in school.

I didn’t look at it as being controlling, but maybe it is.

Fgs WHY? Stop encouraging op to accept abusive behaviour to her child.

You can absolutely apply to court for all of these issues and the court would.recofnise that not allowing a woman to work or travel is extremely controlling. You can not co-parent with him. You need to parallel parent.

Take him to court so you no longer need his permission.

I don't understand how he can stop you putty him in nursery? Do you mean he wont help pay for it? Or that the court has stopped you somehow?

They sound like they push you around a lot.