Should I cut ex MIL out child’s life?

[littleheartsx]

My ex and I separated at the end of last year, it has been an absolute shit show since. His family hate me, and I have tried to salvage a relationship with them for the sake of my child ie sending flowers on birthday, Xmas gifts, Mother’s Day texts etc etc. In return I have been blocked by them.

Anyway I found an old iPad in my home which I charged for my child, within this iPad I found messages that conclude my ex partner was an absolute cretin during my pregnancy and after our son was born , however I also found messages (very recent, last week, so I’m assuming still connected to my exs iclocud) from my ex MIL to my ex partner stating how I am a narcissist, a covert narcissist and multiple screenshots of instagram pages describing what she believes I am - I would obviously disagree, and if anybody was any of those things it would be her beloved son. These messages state that he shouldn’t give me attention, support me, be more lenient etc. I have no idea what the hell she is talking about as her beloved son has cut contact with our child to one night every eight nights. Other messages include a meme “take your ex back or take a big line of coke” with a photo of a man covered in what I assume to be “coke” and another meme that says “don’t hit the grandchildren, me with my children” and a video of a woman swinging a child about.

She is a recovering alcoholic, has bipolar disorder and is quite frankly a total nasty arsehole.

Not only do these message enable her sons shitty behaviour but they also encourage him
not to have a healthy co parenting relationship with me. I don’t feel that my son is safe around this woman. I don’t think it’s in his best interest either.

She will refer to her own daughter’s ex partner as a “sperm donor” infront of their children, I won’t tolerate that kind of behavioir towards me infront of my son.

I know I cannot stop her from seeing my son when he is in his dads care, i would need some sort of court order? Should I go down this route? Would I be wasting my time, I really don’t think she brings anything positive to my babies life.

any advice or help is appreciated

OP is he on the birth certificate?

Firstly I would get him vaccinated. There is literally nothing he can do about that.

I would tread more carefully wrt nursery, not because he can tell you what to do but because if he has pr he could go and collect him and without a court order you could struggle to get him back.

Dating again is none of his business. But I would go and see a solicitor to get a proper court order.

It's shocking that you don't recognise him as controlling and that he doesn't have the power to stop you using nursery/childcare or vaccinated or meeting a partner.

He would have to get a prohibitive steps order to stop these things and he would get laughed out of court.

This is not your circus, not your monkeys, OP.

Just ignore the whole damn lot of them and let your ex facilitate a relationship with his family during his own contact time.

By the way, you can to court and get a court order to allow you to vaccinate your son and take him on holiday. The vaccination thing is really important.

I don't think you need your ex's permission to use childcare, do you?

Why are you letting him control your life like this?

Oh op you've been moulded into thinking he has a hold on your life, he doesn't.

Put your child into childcare, what and how will he stop you? Use babysitters to have time on your own. Honestly op he can't stop you living your own life.

As for his parents, block them on all social media, email and your phone, and don't send presents, flowers or anything to them. Go complete no contact. If he chooses to take your child to see them, then that's up to him.

I also hope you've gone to CMS for child maintenance too!

As for vaccinations, just take your child in and get it done. You don't need both parents present or two parents approval, just book your dc in and get it done

He just said it’s something he doesn’t want. I think I just agree to everything to stop arguments. I would apply to court for the holidays but it’s the grief that comes with it, nothing is an enjoyable experience. I feel like I would take him to nursery and he would say it’s disgusting that I allow someone else to watch my child, he will make comments about council nurseries being better than private etc but the waiting list is too long for council, literally anything to just make me feel like a bad mum.

I suffered with ppd from my pregnancy right through until my little boy was about 10 months old and instead of being supported I was left to do everything by myself, nights days everything. It caused me to become severely low and at one point suicidal again instead of being supported I was mocked , called names and condemned, my self esteem is not what it used to be and I think because of this I’ve probably become a bit of a pushover and door mat, I am trying really hard to take back control. Being called a manipulator and narcissist knocks me back because I truly convince myself that I am one, and that I somehow deserve and create the mess that I’m in.

Rather than putting up a fight I just accept it and keep quiet so I don’t start any arguments - he left me because I got black out drunk (I drink maybe 4 times a year) in the midst of the ppd with no sleep and for whatever reason lifted my hands to him (not punched or slapped but more of a shove) I’ve never been violent before and I don’t remember anything, and their story has changed multiple times but I am still incredibly ashamed, disgusted and embarrassed by the whole thing, that now I just go along with everything. There were many many things I should have left him for, but I stayed for our family so I do truly believe he was looking for a way out, I’ve been tarnished as a monster ever since regardless of all the amazing things I done for him and them when we were together.

A friend of mine had to get a court order to get his daughter vaccinated because his ex wife who was the resident parent was an anti vaxxer.

@littleheartsx Does your ex have parental responsibility (is he named on the birth certificate) and has he told your baby's GP that he doesn't consent to vaccinations?

OP do you have any written messages with his view on vaccinations, nursery etc?

If so make sure they are accessible for when you do go to Court.

In regards to vaccinations luckily if health professionals question lone parents over them they tend to only question the father. So all you need to do is ensure your child's GP only has your details for their appointments, then book the relevant appointments. Then simply don't tell him that your child is going to get vaccinated and actually is vaccinated.

If he finds out and tries tricks to block other vaccinations the Family Court will side with public health advice so your child will have an order to get them.

With nursery while posters said your ex can pick your child up from nursery without a court order the nursery can make it very difficult. You need to basically get your child a nursery place and inform them that no other adult is allowed to pick your child up.

For reasons I won't go into my daughter has to be safeguarded in this way at nursery. This meant as her dad was the one who dropped her off and picked her up 90% of the time no one else could pick her up without the nursery being told in advance who it was with pictures of who was and code word.

One day I went to pick her up but due to the new staff member in charge and the other staff not knowing who I was I not allowed to. I had to wait until they contacted her dad who turned up. We were very happy with this.

Our childminder did similar but unfortunately my DD's school is less strict.

What do you mean he won't 'let' you?

How can he stop you?

Can't believe what I'm reading.
He rarely sees his child and gets to stipulate all of this?!

Cut them all off.
Can you move far far away from them all? Stop following his instructions. He's a controlling arsehole.

You can do ALL of those things!

Why the hell are you giving him this power? Get your child vaccinated. Get your child into nursery. Tell him to take you to court if he doesn't like it but to be honest I wouldn't even tell him about the vaccinations.

he won’t let me put him in nursery which means I have no childcare....

he won’t let me vaccinate him

He can't prevent you doing any of those things. Come on now.

You owe it to your child to get him vaccinated. Your partner doesn't even need to know you did it, and can't prevent it. You will never forgive yourself if your unvaccinated child becomes seriously ill or worse from something you could have vaccinated him against.

As for nursery, are these awful nights and work conditions really better than him moaning? Your child would benefit from nursery and you could work better and sleep better. Stop caring what this man thinks. You don't need his permission to email your child for nursery.

Seriously, you're stronger than this.

He doesn't get to 'allow' or not allow you to do these things

You can go to court and get specific issue order about the vaccines there's not a chance they'll not agree to that.

He doesn't get to say a man can't meet your children for five years, you can introduce anyone you like after 5 minutes if you want to

Also you can apply for a non molestation order if he is continually emotionally abusing you and harassing you

You need to stop talking to your ex. He gets no say in your life. If you have to, give him an email address or get a burner phone that only he uses, then block him from your normal phone.
If he hardly sees your child then why on earth do you need to speak to him? How can he comment on you being a ‘bad mum’ when he’s the worst dad possible?
Also, think about counselling as you risk being a target for other men with your lack of self- esteem and boundaries. You’re worth much more than this.

It must have been really upsetting to see those messages.

Your ex has no say at all about any of those things. You sound very scared of him. Get some support from women’s aid so that you don’t allow him to have control over you like this. You’re not his employee.

OP, kindly, you are a mother now. You need to wise up. Your ex cannot dictate any of those things. You should never have stayed in touch with his awful family. Time to stop rolling over. It doesn't help, no one respects you for it and it is actively harming your child.
Reach out to Womens Aid and the Freedom Programme would be money well spent. There are videos on YouTube about coercive control and how to navigate men like this (and their families). Start educating yourself and give yourself the tools to build an amazing life for you and your son.
Get your LO in nursery as a first step! You will be exhausted and it is so good for them. Open up his world.

But surely as a functioning adult you've researched and discovered that He can't dictate any of this

Right?

Because that's on you otherwise.

I’m sorry but you are the default parent. He has him 1 night in 8 so you absolutely can put your child in nursery when he is in your care. Your Ex can do what he likes re. nursery on his days. Re vaccination again as the default parent you decide. I don’t think my GP ever asked permission from my partner. He doesn’t get to dictate how long you wait until partners meet your child (although I do think waiting a year or two is sensible). The travel abroad thing is trickier although he can’t stop you if you get permission from the family court.

He only has the level of control over you that you allow him to have.

just be mindful of the ipad still being connected too his icloud account... mine sends me an alert everytime its used!

Also, this: think about counselling as you risk being a target for other men with your lack of self- esteem and boundaries. You’re worth much more than this.

It’s quite worrying that he has this level of control even when you’re not together and that you haven’t questioned that he has NO RIGHT to stop you putting your child in nursery or giving them a vaccination. I’d contact your GP or Womens Aid to try and access some support to build up your confidence so this can never happen in a future relationship again.

He doesn’t need to agree to any of these things… take the child to be vaccinated, register for nursery, go minimal contact with him and his family other than handover of your child for his contact time. Are you claiming cms? If not, do - don’t have any direct discussion over money.