Is anyone else feeling and doing the same or is this just me?

[TooTabooToSay]

Thought I would start this thread to see if there is anyone else out there in the same situation that wants to talk. I can't really talk about this to anyone in real life, seems like a taboo subject that no one really talks about.

I'm in a long term relationship of 15 years with the father of my two children (under 6yrs old)

He's a lovely man, kind,caring, a good dad, honest and trustworthy, faithful and loyal, hardworking. Basically one of the good guys which I keep reading people mention good guys like this are hard to find so I should be feeling lucky I guess.

We don't argue or fight, everything is just easy, comfortable, fine. BUT for me I haven't felt any passion or sexual attraction to him in years. We don't have sex anymore and that's because I never want to and so he's stopped initiating. Even when we were trying to conceive, I didn't desire sex with him, it was more a functional act to get pregnant.

It's not that we need to shake things up or reignite the spark I don't think (although happy to be told I might be wrong) but I just don't feel able to be sexually intimate with him. It doesn't feel right. It feels awkward and like doing it with a friend. I can't even just make myself go along with it to see if it gets easier. And it's not because he's unattractive. He's very handsome, and has definitely got better looking with age so it's nothing to do with him or his appearance.

It's me. I've just lost those feelings and now I'm living a life with no passion or sex or lust and I miss those feelings. To the extent I've started to think about what it would be like to be with other people and wonder if this is it forever or if I will ever have a sexual, passionate relationship with anyone else again. I'm 43 if that's relevant.

To me this isn't a good enough reason to break up our family, cause distress and upheaval to the children, sell up, split finances, split custody and all the rest of it. Seems such a selfish reason to cause such destruction to the children's lives when they're so young as like I said everything else is ok, normal, easy. And please don't take that as me judging others that have made that choice. I promise I am not. I am judging myself and myself only here.

Is anyone else in a similar situation and would like to chat? Would be so good to know I'm not alone in this and that there are others out there going through this or similar. Feels so lonely not being able to talk about this and just keeping it all inside my head.

It feels like my choices are:

A) sacrifice my need for a sexual relationship and passion for the sake of the kids.

B) break up. But then feel enormous guilt for being the one to break up our family.

C) infidelity. But again I would feel enormous guilt and it would probably still lead to a break up of the family anyway.

Anyone free to chat/share?

I'm sure this is a familiar situation for many on here.

What I picked up on though was how you said you were already not into him sexually but - dud it anyway to get pregnant.

I'm curious why, at that time, you didn't think 'wait, I matter enough to have a man who I feel sexually attracted to. I certainly shouldn't tie myself to a man via a baby if there's no sexual attraction there'.

It makes me think there's a self esteem issue at the route of this. Or perhaps, some sort of inner mysoginy as a result of upbringing? That you think women are just 'supposed' to marry and have kids and that you think their desires don't matter. Or is it just, your needs that don't matter?
Where did this thinking start?

I think addressing it through therapy would be a good start for you.

I don't really think its ever in a child's best interest to grow up in an unhappy marriage. They can sense these things you know. Their mothers sadness...that she stays anyway. Will they grow up feeling they too, need to stay with men they don't love? It's too sad op. To have one life...and waste it.

And, your husband sounds like a
a nice man...doesn't he also deserve the chance to have a partner who really loves him and wants him?

I think making choices that might seem selfish...can work out as good lessons for our children. It shows them we can fix our mistakes.
So long as you give them plenty of love along the way and listen to them and answer their questions and so long as you and their dad can coparent effectively, I don't think divorce is the worst thing in this scenario.

But, see a therapist, find one that you click with. Talk things through.

This is worth a listen.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-with-steven-bartlett/id1291423644?i=1000645835212

Then listen to the one with John and Julie Gottman.

*sorry just noticed it's not a marriage but a ltr.

This is a difficult one because on paper it sounds like you're really well matched.

He's a good partner and parent, you find him attractive and admire his good qualities, are you saying you've lost the "spark" or that you never had it in the first place?

If you've never had the spark and have tried to create a marriage with a "good" man thinking that will be enough and you're now realising it's not, that's a problem.

If you were in love with him once, and the grind of young DC, work, housework etc has just dampened the passion you had for each other, that's very different and salvageable.

How much time and effort do each of you out into your relationship with each other?

Do you enjoy each other's company? Sit and talk (& not just about day to day, who is picking up the kids from school etc)?

Do you have date nights? Get dressed up and go out together? Get dressed up and stay in together 😉

The drudgery of life can easily turn a relationship from shiny and special to dull and bland, but if both parties are willing to put the effort in, that can change.

There's also D, agree an open relationship.

I think @Pinkbonbon makes good points.

Thanks for the responses so far everyone, I really appreciate your input and opinions. Like I said I've kept this all inside my head for so long that it's such a relief just to be able to say it and hear others thoughts on the matter.

To respond to some Qs, when we first met I was sexually attracted but I think that maybe more down to thrill of someone new and the excitement of that. Within the first couple of years of the relationship the sex died out but we were so compatible in all other ways that I just thought it was just me with a low sex drive rather than thinking it signalled anything else. That's why we decided to have children and become parents together. Everything else was fine, we got on, didn't really argue about much, we were just good companions for each other I guess.

It still feels like we are companions to be honest and now we're 15 years down the line with children. But the fact I'm starting to think about it other people and have sexual desires shows me it's not necessarily a low sex drive that's the problem, it's that I'm not sexually attracted to him.

I love him as a person and as the father to my children. And I want him to be happy too. But I just can't bring myself to desire him.

Re the suggestion about dressing up for a date night or a night in...I just couldn't. I intentionally dress down to avoid turning him on so he doesn't try to initiate anything and I don't then have to reject him. When I'm getting changed with him in the room, I try to do it super fast so he doesn't get an eyeful and get ideas. I know that's awful for him, but he hasn't chosen to leave me over this so I suppose we are both just trying to make it work for the kids sake. And perhaps also a little fear of change and the unknown...

Just playing devil's advocate here...

If he decided to leave you because of the lack of sex, how wouid you feel?
Relieved?
Shocked and upset?
Would you try to recover a more intimate relationship to keep him? Or no way?

Have you actually talked about the lack of sex?

You need to talk to your partner about this.

It's unfair you've essentially dictated he's going to live a life of celibacy and you need to be honest with him; especially as it seems you're withholding all types of intimacy (hugs etc) in case he "gets ideas". 😞

It may be that he feels the same as you, it may be that he's getting his sexual fulfilment elsewhere and you may be ok with that.

But you sound like housemates living together without love, which is really quite a bad example to set for your children. If you wouldn't want them to end up in the same situation when they're adults, don't illustrate that as a "normal" way to live.

Love doesn't mean ripping each other's clothes off, but it does mean wanting to hug and kiss and be close physically with your partner as that's what separates you from just being friends.

Thanks, I get what you’re saying. I do hug him, I’m not completely cold towards him. But I don’t flirt with him or give him more than a kiss on the lips when saying bye. And I avoid him seeing me naked or in underwear. So not completely withholding affection, but definitely avoiding anything sexual.

As for the kids, I’ve wondered this myself- whether it is setting a bad example but then I think, well no because they don’t know that we’re not intimate do they? They still see us kiss goodbye on a morning or give each other a hug. They see affection but it’s just friendly, not romantic or sexual.

Ive asked if he wants to leave when we have discussed it previously and he said no.

Ive asked if he wants to leave when we have discussed it previously and he said no.

What else did he say? Is he happy with no sex or is he hopeful you'll resume a sexlife? Does he know you can't see yourself ever wanting to try resuming sex?

Not much really, he just said it doesn't bother him enough to make him want to leave. Obviously I haven't said anything cruel like that I'm not attracted to him. I just said I just don't have any sexual desire. I haven't given a timeframe or hinted that it might return. Though I suspect he probably hopes it will at some point when the kids are older perhaps.
He very rarely brings it up to be honest.

I feel like the answer is always the same in this situation - if he's willing to live with this situation then it's not a problem. If he did have an issue with it then I don't personally think that he's out of order or selfish. Sex is a massive part of many people's relationship and not with others. There is a good reason sometimes when sex does become an issue and can often be worked on. If it can't be worked on and the person that is needing sex as part of a relationship is unhappy then I don't feel like they should have to compromise and commit to a life of celibacy.

I feel like the answer is always the same in this situation - if he's willing to live with this situation then it's not a problem.

Is OP willing to live like this though?
She said she misses those feelings (passion, lust) and they're coming back for others.

It doesn't seem fair to him either imho. It's hard for him, for either of them, to consider leaving when there are young children involved. But it's a lot to give up.

Could therapy help perhaps?

Yes, I’ve been there. My ex was kind of a “good guy” type on the whole, though he did have some indiscretions involving his ex over the years. I realise that’s a contradiction, but it’s hard to explain to people who don’t know him).

I loved him, and I still do. But I no longer wanted to have sex with him. I didn’t feel lust towards him. He isn’t unattractive, it just wasn’t right for me. Although I did feel differently at the start of the relationship, I still don’t think it was ever fireworks if I’m honest.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I’ve done. I still get upset about it, even though I have moved on with someone else (who I have mad lust for!) and I still miss him as a family member and best friend. I’m getting upset just typing this tbh! Seeing how much it hurt him absolutely broke me. But could I really have carried on like that? Can you?

I'm in exactly the same position but I'm 10 years older than you. I feel recently quite trapped and panicked at the thought of never feeling love or sexual attraction again. I asked my husband for an amicable separation but he wants to try to make it work. I have no idea what to do now. It's huge to break up a family so I'm stuck.

I presume your children are older (if you have any) so might be less affected?

I happen to think staying together even for young children isn’t worth it if you’re really unhappy. But OP, I have to say, you don’t come across as really unhappy. The fantasies you have, are they deep, all-consuming fantasies that make you desperately want to leave? Or just fleeting thoughts about an attractive colleague?

How very sad for him and you.

Why not suggest an open relationship if he has a libido and you don't?

My kids are all still at home but yes they are older. But they understand more because of that, when we had the conversation about splitting up they were very upset and wanted the family to stay together. It's sometimes apparently easier if the children are younger apparently.

This is why i left my kids 5 years ago. The man ive been with since i have had amazing sex with. But my partner i left had the nice qualities. Loyal. Faithful reliable.

I left him due to
No sex or passion between us.
He was messy and never helped with upkerp of garden etc. We have little interests that match up. Hed talk about work or conspiracies all day.
He was too sensible. Never would allow us to get a dog, replace a couch, get a gardener in etc. Even with the funds.
I had to book and sort all holidays/nights away.

New boyfriend is unreliable and has so many personal issues but love cuddling him etc.

So i havent a clue whats right.

My kids dad!

Even when we were trying to conceive, I didn't desire sex with him, it was more a functional act to get pregnant.

Did he know that you were only having sex with him to get pregnant? If not then I think that was really wrong 🫤 I think it’s dishonest and incredibly unfair unless he consented to it.

I was in a similar position. He was a good man, good father, good husband, attractive, I knew other women fancied him (a neighbour and a work colleague of his had made it clear they fancied him). I was very attracted to him when we first got together, then over the years I stopped fancying him and stopped encouraging him to the point he stopped initiating. Then, as I got older and went through bereavement, health issues etc and he supported me through everything, I realised just what a good man he was. I looked around and saw friends getting divorced, trying online dating, being used for sex then getting dumped in their 40s and 50s. I realised the grass wasn't always greener. My dh loved me, still found me attractive and I was enough for him, even after my body/looks had changed over the years. I trusted him and felt completely safe with him, knew he'd never hurt me. From that knowledge the attraction grew again. If I'd split with him I realised he'd soon get snapped up, sooner than I would and I began to appreciate him more. We made time for each other, made an effort, tried to have fun, it was awkward at first and I even felt embarrassed as it was so long since we'd been intimate with each other but we managed to laugh at those moments and soon became familiar with each other again. I think it is possible to get the chemistry back, as long as it was there in the first place of course.

How so? They planned together to try for a baby - what wasn't he consenting to?

We both planned to have a baby, I didn't trick him if that's what you're thinking.