Is anyone else feeling and doing the same or is this just me?

[TooTabooToSay]

Thought I would start this thread to see if there is anyone else out there in the same situation that wants to talk. I can't really talk about this to anyone in real life, seems like a taboo subject that no one really talks about.

I'm in a long term relationship of 15 years with the father of my two children (under 6yrs old)

He's a lovely man, kind,caring, a good dad, honest and trustworthy, faithful and loyal, hardworking. Basically one of the good guys which I keep reading people mention good guys like this are hard to find so I should be feeling lucky I guess.

We don't argue or fight, everything is just easy, comfortable, fine. BUT for me I haven't felt any passion or sexual attraction to him in years. We don't have sex anymore and that's because I never want to and so he's stopped initiating. Even when we were trying to conceive, I didn't desire sex with him, it was more a functional act to get pregnant.

It's not that we need to shake things up or reignite the spark I don't think (although happy to be told I might be wrong) but I just don't feel able to be sexually intimate with him. It doesn't feel right. It feels awkward and like doing it with a friend. I can't even just make myself go along with it to see if it gets easier. And it's not because he's unattractive. He's very handsome, and has definitely got better looking with age so it's nothing to do with him or his appearance.

It's me. I've just lost those feelings and now I'm living a life with no passion or sex or lust and I miss those feelings. To the extent I've started to think about what it would be like to be with other people and wonder if this is it forever or if I will ever have a sexual, passionate relationship with anyone else again. I'm 43 if that's relevant.

To me this isn't a good enough reason to break up our family, cause distress and upheaval to the children, sell up, split finances, split custody and all the rest of it. Seems such a selfish reason to cause such destruction to the children's lives when they're so young as like I said everything else is ok, normal, easy. And please don't take that as me judging others that have made that choice. I promise I am not. I am judging myself and myself only here.

Is anyone else in a similar situation and would like to chat? Would be so good to know I'm not alone in this and that there are others out there going through this or similar. Feels so lonely not being able to talk about this and just keeping it all inside my head.

It feels like my choices are:

A) sacrifice my need for a sexual relationship and passion for the sake of the kids.

B) break up. But then feel enormous guilt for being the one to break up our family.

C) infidelity. But again I would feel enormous guilt and it would probably still lead to a break up of the family anyway.

Anyone free to chat/share?

You are making him live a lie. It’s a cowardly way to live. Tell him the truth. You are holding all the cards. It’s not fair.

I could have written your post myself. I'm in exactly the same situation and hate it. I don't know what to do for the best.

Same. I'm sad every single day lately because there is no good outcome. Either I'm unhappy for life or I break up a family. Awesome choices.

TBH reading how you write about him, I think you are sabotaging it because you think it can't ever come back, and you also have not put much effort into your close personal relationship with him. You talk of comfort all the time. No wonder you are bored. Where are words like exciting, hot, close, intimate? Nowhere. If you carry on a) thinking he is just your comfort blanket and b) not going out on dates with him, not being super close to him or anything, it will be over sooner or later.

Or work on it. Think how you can make your marriage loving and intimate, and put the actions in to achieve it.

I think the posters pointing out that you are deliberately avoiding working on things are making a good point. You seem so avoidant to the idea that you could even get back some spark with your partner - why? Would you consider talking to him about it, or having couples counselling?

Unfortunately, if you leave things as they are it will likely blow up into something more damaging - either you will have an affair (which you are ripe for as soon as someone comes along who gives you the attention you are craving), or he will decide he no longer wants to be rejected constantly - most likely when he finds someone else.

I had a very tempestous marriage and eventually we divorced. My now husband I was madly, passionately in love with when we met and we have been married for six years. However we don't have sex anymore and I don't know why. This may sound ridiculous but I feel too embarrassed to do it. It's like I'm flirting with my best male fried (platonic). We get on really well, never fall out, have a lovely life but that wanting to tear his clothes off and shag him stupid has gone. It's almost like I know him too well. The way I see it may be different to you OP, but because I was very unhappy in my first marriage I'm still happy in this marriage because I know I'm safe, cherished, and valued. So that's enough for me. I do hope we revert to the shagging phase though. It would be nice. And a change from Netflix.

Basically if she already felt this way and hadn’t told him.
He had no idea how she felt and may have made a different decision had he have known.

You go off wanting sex with anyone . It'll happen with the next man if you move on

I've pm'd you OP x

Thank you for the recent responses, you all make good points and I am reading them and taking all your perspectives and suggestions on board.

Quite a few have mentioned about me not telling him before we tried to conceive, and I do get how that looks bad but this was years and years ago and at the time i didn't realise this was going to continue and become a permanent thing. I just thought my sex drive had taken a temporary dip at the time as everything else back then was good. It's only now several years later and these feelings have become stronger, our relationship has developed to feel like friends, or worse- like brother and sister! that I realised it's more than just a dip in sex drive. It's complete loss of attraction and connection.

Some of you have shared your own experiences and I genuinely appreciate that! It helps knowing I am not the only one in this situation, and that others can understand.

I still haven't figured out what to do for the best yet, but it's at the very forefront of my mind all day every day so something has to happen soon, one way or another.

Yes I have wondered about that. This is my longest and most serious relationship I've ever had so I don't have any previous relationships that I can use as comparison regarding the attraction wavering after a certain amount of time. Previous relationships never got to that point but they were much shorter, much less committed and serious and of course no kids.
I often look at other long term couples and wonder if they still are attracted to each other, or whether everyone loses attraction so many years into a relationship.

It's so cowardly

Have you started having sexual desire for someone else?

@TooTabooToSay I knew someone who did end up leaving for someone she had great passion for. Actually she had an affair and left the nice husband. It all blew up because her AP didn't leave his wife so she was stuck/distraught. Her husband of course was snapped up quickly. The woman panicked, managed to get her husband back and all seems OK again though not sure how happy they are. Like other posters here, the grass wasn't greener. I'd definitely consider counselling of sorts before you end things.

I get what you're saying OP, ignore all these saying you should have told him back then and not "tricked" him. I was the same, I thought it was just a lull in my libido/hormones and thought it was going to come back. I wouldn't have left my DP when it first arose either.

I did everything to try and fix it, but that was one of the issues, I did everything and he did very little to fix it. It wasn't his problem you see, but it perpetuated it. This is as much about your DH putting the effort in as it is you, if he doesn't bother (because it's your issue) then it won't work no matter how much you try

I understand exactly, it's very difficult when you love someone but not sexually attracted to them. The menopause did it for me, I just flatlined not a flicker of desire unfortunately. We're still together and have a great relationship but I do miss the tingles of desire I used to get.

This isn't true. I've been with DH for 30 years and we have sex 3/4 times a week. We both want to, obviously.

I think you should be honest with your DH and tell him that it's unlikely you're ever going to want to have sex with him again.

It sounds like you're both young enough to start over and he might well leave and want another family and kids where he's not in a half life.

Good luck to you, it sounds awful to me and I hope you find a resolution that you're happy with.

Is anyone else in a similar situation and would like to chat

Your husband is in a very similar situation, which begs the question: why not chat more with him?

You have various options and are not limited to the ones you listed; you could have conversations facilitated by a counsellor, you could come to an arrangement where you stay together but also have other options, you could work on developing more intimacy in other ways than sexually...

Talk to him.

I know this is an old post but wanted to add an update.
In a marriage where I didn't want him touching me/found it difficult to have sex with my dh. I bought a dildo and my husband found it and absolutely hit the roof. We talked/argued about our relationship over the past 16 years and he was very vitriolic. He said I just make him miserable and have manipulated him. I have been open and said that there has been something lacking with us sexually but I thought what we had was enough and we could make it work. Well it turns out we can't.
I'm taking our child to my parents to stay for a couple of days. I can't see us coming back from this and feel devastated and desperately sad that it's come to it but deep down I know it's for the best. He deserves to be happy and so do I.
OP - have you done anything about your relationship or are you still in the same situation?