Is anyone else feeling and doing the same or is this just me?

[TooTabooToSay]

Thought I would start this thread to see if there is anyone else out there in the same situation that wants to talk. I can't really talk about this to anyone in real life, seems like a taboo subject that no one really talks about.

I'm in a long term relationship of 15 years with the father of my two children (under 6yrs old)

He's a lovely man, kind,caring, a good dad, honest and trustworthy, faithful and loyal, hardworking. Basically one of the good guys which I keep reading people mention good guys like this are hard to find so I should be feeling lucky I guess.

We don't argue or fight, everything is just easy, comfortable, fine. BUT for me I haven't felt any passion or sexual attraction to him in years. We don't have sex anymore and that's because I never want to and so he's stopped initiating. Even when we were trying to conceive, I didn't desire sex with him, it was more a functional act to get pregnant.

It's not that we need to shake things up or reignite the spark I don't think (although happy to be told I might be wrong) but I just don't feel able to be sexually intimate with him. It doesn't feel right. It feels awkward and like doing it with a friend. I can't even just make myself go along with it to see if it gets easier. And it's not because he's unattractive. He's very handsome, and has definitely got better looking with age so it's nothing to do with him or his appearance.

It's me. I've just lost those feelings and now I'm living a life with no passion or sex or lust and I miss those feelings. To the extent I've started to think about what it would be like to be with other people and wonder if this is it forever or if I will ever have a sexual, passionate relationship with anyone else again. I'm 43 if that's relevant.

To me this isn't a good enough reason to break up our family, cause distress and upheaval to the children, sell up, split finances, split custody and all the rest of it. Seems such a selfish reason to cause such destruction to the children's lives when they're so young as like I said everything else is ok, normal, easy. And please don't take that as me judging others that have made that choice. I promise I am not. I am judging myself and myself only here.

Is anyone else in a similar situation and would like to chat? Would be so good to know I'm not alone in this and that there are others out there going through this or similar. Feels so lonely not being able to talk about this and just keeping it all inside my head.

It feels like my choices are:

A) sacrifice my need for a sexual relationship and passion for the sake of the kids.

B) break up. But then feel enormous guilt for being the one to break up our family.

C) infidelity. But again I would feel enormous guilt and it would probably still lead to a break up of the family anyway.

Anyone free to chat/share?

I think a lot of marriages go through this after years and years together. it is a good sign that you once had attraction for him, as you can hopefully build on it again. I think it ultimately comes down to what you value in a partner/husband. No-one can tell you whether you should stay or go - it is ultimately what you can live with or live without. I tend to think (with some women) safety in a man does not equate to passion, in that they need the chase or the un-predictable to have that sexual attraction. Could that possibly fit your situation?

Also, maybe you would leave your husband and meet someone you felt in mad lust with but he'd be lacking in some other trait that your husband does have (maybe loyalty or kindness for example). I don't think it is possible to get a 100% perfect guy, it just depends on what things are non-negotiable for you - for some people it would be sexual passion and for another that would be at the bottom of the list and friendship would be at the top.

Even when we were trying to conceive, I didn't desire sex with him, it was more a functional act to get pregnant

Did he actually know that you didn’t desire him, only the pregnancy? Did he agree to the pregnancy, knowing that you weren’t attracted to him? There is a difference.

Maybe he didn’t mind either way. Seems like quite a lack of honesty in this relationship, which is continuing now. Perhaps you’re both happy living like that? Some people are.

You can’t change the past, but the alternative is some self honesty going forward and future plans with or without your partner.

I'd be absolutely dumbfounded if a healthy male with an average sex drive who spent his 30s to 40s in a sexless relationship is happy with the situation. It could be that he is being incredibly discreet and having the odd dalliance unbeknownst to you and one day you're going to be blindsided with the revelation that comes.

He sounds like a good man. Good men also try and keep their families together whilst recognising that they desire a sexual relationship, and if that isn't coming from their partner, it's going to come from somewhere else.

Many, many men never leave their LTR and will compartmentalise home life which is comfortable, companiable, and familiar, whilst also getting their need for intimacy met outside of that relationship.

I could have written this a few years ago! Especially the mid 40s hormone surge that made me suddenly horny and want to have sex (just not with my OH). You could wait it out, those hormones may calm down again soon.

I think rekindling a spark (or creating one) is possible, but it requires communication and effort from both people. Read / listen to Ester Perel's 'mating in captivity' for some of the why sexual attraction to someone safe and dependable can fade with time.

If he's a good guy and you're able to talk and (especially because you have a family together) I think it's worth attempting to address this as a couple.

Did you manage to make things better with your OH in the end? If so do you mind sharing how you went about it?

@TooTabooToSay If I had children I like to think I'd have handled it differently, I was devasted by my dad's infidelity/ parents divorce. We aren't able to communicate well enough to change things, OH doesn't want to split or to talk so we live happily as friends for the most part. I'm 3 years into an affair / relationship with someone I see every few months. While it brings many moments of incredible happiness, it's almost certain that it will all eventually end in heart break and I know I could lose it all in a moment. I wish I had a better answer for you!

You’ve completely missed option D - get it back. It’s really common when you’ve got young children. You said he’s attractive. You can get it back.

You need to start dating, romancing each other. You could even do sex therapy together. What does he want?

It makes sense biologically - you’ve got the nice safe male and made a few kids. Now go and procreate with someone else. But it’ll just be lust and fade. Then what?

When you get time alone you can start dating each other again. You’re both different people now so can start from scratch!

I could have written your post OP, except the children, we didn't have any. 9 year LTR and I lost that spark for him after maybe 2 years, I thought it was me and my hormones/libido and it would eventually come back, but it never did.

I'd really, really try to sort it out one way or the other, cos trust me one day someone will come along and make you realise you still have a (raging) libido (I'm same age as you), I did and my life turned upside-down.

You need to have a good talk with your DP, sexless relationships just will not last IMO and IME

I was with my exH from 20-41. He wasn’t a “good guy”, he was abusive which killed any desire I had for him.

However I am now in a very loving relationship and I realise these life I had with exH was nothing like this, even i. the early days (when I didn’t realise what an abusive prick he was, before we had kids, inertia he set in etc). With now DP, sex is a priority and even if it’s not perfect every time, it is very loving and we feel very connected. With exH, he was very not into it from quite early on, too tired from running, too stressed from work, drank too much - I never felt desired and there was no loving connection (making silly dirty jokes or a quick kiss in the hallway or something like that). The sex with exH was functionally good but it was transactional- I never felt like he specifically desired me, his wife, but just that he felt like sex and I was the particular person available to scratch that itch.

I can’t believe I could have gone through life not really experiencing a loving sex life.

As I said, it wasn’t sex alone that led me to end my marriage but I wonder whether your H is more emotionally avoidant than you perhaps realise. I’m 43 btw

I really value your absolute honesty and realness, thank you. I know it's not easy to share especially when there's a risk of judgement so I do appreciate it, and it's helpful for me to see how others have/are dealing with similar situations.

Yeh that does make sense doesn't it, and explains why this feeling is so strong and hard to suppress.

Did you end up cheating or leaving him for someone else in the end? How did it all pan out? I appreciate you sharing your personal experience, thank you for that.

Your DH had no idea you were no longer attracted to him when you decided to have kids which I do think is kinda crappy.

He could have found someone who actually wanted to have sex with him and have kids with her.

I think the fact you still aren't being honest with him is selfish. He deserves to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone who is attracted to him.

It's hard to answer to be honest because I'm not in that situation. I suppose it's only when you're faced with the reality of loss that you know what you would do at the point. Thinking about your question now, I don't know. I would obviously feel sadness that the relationship was over, 15 years and kids together is significant and it would feel really sad for it to actually and finally be over. But would I try to reignite the passion and have sex with him to keep him...? I still don't think I could :( but then hes not the kind of guy to give me such an ultimatum so it doesn't feel like a possibility in my head.

I still don't think I could :( but then hes not the kind of guy to give me such an ultimatum so it doesn't feel like a possibility in my head.

But it is a possibility.

He may not be the kind to give you an ultimatum, but I do think you need to realise that you are seriously damaging your marriage and that there is an increased risk of marriage breakup as a result. Not because you want it to or because you decide to be with someone else, but because he does.

Marriages take work. This is a shit and sad situation for you both, if he is a decent man who you love then you need to try to make it work. It's either that or leave, this half life is no way to live.

I was in the same boat. With all the life sucked out of the marriage by three kids, DH and I ended up more like brother and sister, or close friends. I developed a couple of huge crushes, and then some horrible life stuff happened and I became very depressed. Eventually I realised that the only way I would feel life was worth living again was if I ended the marriage. It was horrible, I didn't go about it in a good way (had a one night stand then told him). But I absolutely could not face the rest of my life without feeling passion again.

Did I do the right thing? Maybe not, but in a very real sense I had no choice. I remarried, and my ex did too. Life went on.

I always wonder when I read threads like this, did you ever actually enjoy sex with him? Has he ever made you orgasm? Would he know how to? Have you ever told him what you like in bed? I do wonder how much of it isn't about a lack of desire, but because the sex is actually a bit shit.

Maybe I’ve missed it, but why are you so convinced you can’t get it back with him? Surely that’s one up from just staying how you are in a sexless marriage?

I didn't physically cheat, but I wanted to. It made me have a very good look at myself and my relationship and realise just how unhappy I was, and how unhappy he likely was.

Unfortunately I was still having sex with my partner even though I didn't want to which led to a lot of resentment, he'd get a bit sulky after a couple of weeks and I'd end up doing it just to make him happy. I suppose this points to a few other issues we had too.

I left him in the hope of a relationship with the OM, it's not quite worked out as planned, but there has been some amazing sex and an affirmation that I wasn't with the right man. It's not been easy though, I still struggle with what the hell I'm doing and the guilt of it all, but I don't regret leaving him and know I'll be ok some day

I don't disagree with you that he deserves to be happy and with someone that does want to be intimate with him. But I do disagree with the bit about he could have/should have had kids with someone else. He adores the kids and I know with absolute certainty that he would say the kids have made it all worth it. He wouldn't want to undo that and have different kids with someone else. But yes we do need to work out what the future looks like.

I'm not trying to be selfish, i can't help feel NG this way. I don't want to feel this way, it would be a lot easier if I didn't! I'm trying to work out what to do that causes the least pain all round to him and to the kids. But I take the feedback on board so thank you.

I can’t speak for OP, but when I lost desire for my ex it was not because the sex was shit. The sex was great when I was attracted to him, plenty of orgasms etc., but when the attraction fells away it was soul destroying forcing myself to have sex with him to keep the peace (I do not recommend this to anyone).

Exactly the same here. Sex was amazing for the first few years, he was a very considerate and enthusiastic lover. We reached some heights together. But as the PP said, having to have sex with someone you no longer desire is such an awful feeling. It feels like a violation, and very sad for him too. Sad all round really 😕