I don't think I've ever fancied him

[CrystalJane2]

Please be kind to me and don't say "you're being awful to him" or "why did you get with him". I would value genuine advice, thanks.
I met my boyfriend around a decade ago and he's ridiculously handsome. He also adores me. I love (loved?) him and wanted to marry him.
But - I never really fancied him - and I don't know why. He was emotionally open, kind, caring. I think this is the problem.
We did have sex, it was OK, but it wasn't the main feature of our relationship.
Then, due to extenuating circumstances, we broke up for 1.5 years and I dated (had sex with) various men.
Even the one night stands I loved.
I had one one-year relationship in that period and the sex was amazing. But I never felt like I knew him. He wasn't abusive, but pretty avoidant and there was no emotional intimacy.
That's been the ongoing theme in my life: situationships/1 night stands/long relationships with men who are superficial or 'bad' (drugs/cheats) = sex amazing
Any sort of closeness/displays of vulnerability = it turns me off.
It's a me problem and I don't want to constantly only equate enjoying sex/ fancying someone to them being cold or not knowing them... it gets you nowhere!

So if it's a you problem, perhaps you need to address this in therapy.

Think I would maybe add dirty talk to the bedroom and see if that spiced it up a bit.

That's something I would go for @Pinkbonbon but it feels weird with him

Do you actually want a long term relationship/ marriage?

Oh yes @Francisflute, very much. I wanted to marry my boyfriend and he was my best friend who I loved. But there's this dichotomy that I can't seem to associate romantic/lustful feelings with emotional intimacy. It's either/or. So I marry someone who is a wonderful companion and a great best friend but there's no (and crucially never really has been) any passion or have great sex and chemistry but with men who are (for whatever reason) bad news.

Op I can’t offer advice, but can sympathise! So watching the responses closely here. My partner is pretty much perfect and uncommonly good looking, but I feel similar to how you do, the only difference is that we have incredible sex. Very confusing. I’m 99.9% sure I’m the problem, I’m just not sure how and what to do to fix it.

What was your parents relationship like?

Lots of people dont feel they can meld security and desire. Its a freedom vs security thing - opposite needs. good therapy and Esther perel will sort it out though

That's the thing @Rockiepride - he's unusually attractive, objectively I can see that.
My childhood was... (I will be kind and go with) "inconsistent".

Interesting @coastalhawk - I'll look at that. Yes to therapy but there is other stuff too and I've got burnout, perhaps. You've been helpful. I wonder why I've got it.

It sounds like you are fraysexual. You can consider this a psychological maladjustment which could be changed through therapy, or some consider it an orientation that is fixed and cannot be adjusted.

This article for example firmly considers it an orientation
https://www.gaytimes.co.uk/life/fraysexual-meaning/

Possible @EvenMoreFuriousVexation - some resonates but I never overly fancied him, I just saw in him a kindness and safety. The bad news is this, seemingly, cannot be cured!

It's like a reverse Madonna whore complex

@CrystalJane2 similar situation and just been talking about it with an ex FWB today randomly. I was saying how I miss that desire the I literally want to rip someone’s clothes off that you have with a short or 1 night stand, the I want you so bad type feeling. It’s exciting and it’s unpredictable and fun. I basically said I feel like I’ve given myself unrealistic expectations now from having an FWB/one night stand situations during a split, and he feels the same with his partner. I personally like the excitement of it, it’s a thrill getting to know each other. Your partner isn’t fun new and you exciting and you need to decide if that’s ok, If you stayed with one of your short term relationships then you would probably find the excitement and thrill drops eventually after a year or so

I feel like I'm missing something here- perhaps you just don't fancy him? I mean there are plenty of handsome men in the world who I don't fancy myself- fancying someone is a combination of compatible hormones, smell, fancying their facial features, their body, some people just 'fit' and some don't and it's nothing to do with their objective good-looks.

It seems like this guy is an amazing friend, a great companion but I wouldn't want to marry a person I didn't fancy, it's that simple. Otherwise you won't just be avoiding sex, you will be avoiding intimacy in general, hugs, kisses, just being together physically.

Up to you, of course, and it's definitely worth some therapy time to sort it all out in your mind, but I see finding someone attractive and wanting to have sex with them as the absolute basic thing before even starting to examine their wonderful personalities. I don't get why you would have a boyfriend you don't fancy, even if everyone else does.

Is he your boyfriend/partner now?

You broke up for a while - what made you decide that you wanted him to be your partner again?

Yes, we're back together. But I don't fancy anyone suitable - he's not the first! If they're a serial killer with a drug addiction, we're golden

Oh and @SkaneTos - a series of hot relationships with terrible men. I'm not joking.

@ItsallIeverwanted but that's exactly my point. You should see the men I fancy. They're NOT boyfriend material, believe me. So you saying that is kind of my point.

Curious OP as a lot of what you say resonates with me. I’ve always attributed it to an avoidant attachment issue on my part and I know I need to tackle it with proper therapy really (if I could afford the cost!).
But another reason I haven’t tackled it is because I sort of get off on the difficult/short/unsuitable ‘relationships’ particularly as my previous marriage was exactly as you describe - safe, loving but very very boring and with zero physical attraction. Maybe therapy would allow me to ‘have it all’ but I also worry it would turn me off the only sort of relationships that give me that feeling of being alive while still not meeting anyone I wanted to be with long term 🫤

OP the fact that you recognise the issue is already a huge step forward. Congrats on that. You are a strong person.
Sounds like Madonna/whore complex from a woman’s side and definitely needs some therapy.
it may be that you are polyamorous, it may be avoidant attachment, it may just be lack of chemistry with your current boyfriend. But the fact you choose men who are not exactly good people is worrying and shows some self depreciation.
You also seem to have equated bad boys = good sex. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. Ask any psychologist you want, they will tell you the same thing: you can’t have good sex If you are not a good person.
I would go to therapy and until I deal with this issue I would set your current boyfriend free.

Just because you don't fancy this nice normal man doesn't mean you'll never fancy any nice normal man. I'm avoidant and had a pattern of going for unsuitable men including my first husband who were great in bed and being totally turned off by nice decent men, but eventually I fell in love with DH2. He's not normal in the least 😆 but he is good and kind. He's just edgy enough to keep my interest but isn't an arsehole or abusive or flaky or any of the other things I previously chose. Hang in there, but don't try to make a relationship work with a man you aren't attracted to just because he's nice.

@Rania78 Ask any psychologist you want, they will tell you the same thing: you can’t have good sex If you are not a good person. what total nonsense is this? The rest of your post I agree with but this line makes no sense. Having good sex and being a good person are entirely unrelated.

@PineappleTime they are not unrelated. You can’t be a good lover If you are not a good person.

I've never said therapy on here before, but I concur with the above posters.

The problem is that good, nice people are snapped up quickly... so while you're dumping the nice guys for a bit of excitement/sex with the bad boys, other women are appreciating them and marrying them off, and the quality of men available is gradually decreasing.