I don't think I've ever fancied him

[CrystalJane2]

Please be kind to me and don't say "you're being awful to him" or "why did you get with him". I would value genuine advice, thanks.
I met my boyfriend around a decade ago and he's ridiculously handsome. He also adores me. I love (loved?) him and wanted to marry him.
But - I never really fancied him - and I don't know why. He was emotionally open, kind, caring. I think this is the problem.
We did have sex, it was OK, but it wasn't the main feature of our relationship.
Then, due to extenuating circumstances, we broke up for 1.5 years and I dated (had sex with) various men.
Even the one night stands I loved.
I had one one-year relationship in that period and the sex was amazing. But I never felt like I knew him. He wasn't abusive, but pretty avoidant and there was no emotional intimacy.
That's been the ongoing theme in my life: situationships/1 night stands/long relationships with men who are superficial or 'bad' (drugs/cheats) = sex amazing
Any sort of closeness/displays of vulnerability = it turns me off.
It's a me problem and I don't want to constantly only equate enjoying sex/ fancying someone to them being cold or not knowing them... it gets you nowhere!

I’m not sure you can really change who you are and you certainly won’t be able to hide it for ever.
This is heading for either a sexless marriage or you cheating on him at some point down the line.
I notice you say he loves you but didn’t add and I love him.
If you did you might think of letting his go to find real happiness.

I said I love him @Samedaysameshit. That's the entire issue! I also asked people for helpful advice and not to say that I was treating him terribly as you, of course - how could you, don't know the minutiae of our relationship.
So far people have been really kind and legitimately helpful. I am going to go to therapy to discuss my childhood and subsequent trauma I encountered (I disagree with you and think people can change and it's reductive to state otherwise). I am going to try and sex it up with him.
You are being needlessly cruel.
I'm going to bow out now. Thank you everyone else.

I was wondering if it's some kind of self protection you are doing. That you don't let yourself fully open up for this man (let yourself fancy him) who treats you right and is good for you. I did that in the beginning with my now DH but luckily I was going through therapy at the time and it helped me to let myself to be loved by someone as amazing as my now DH and once I crossed this barrier I started fancying him like crazy.

Wonderful post and probably spot on.

Good luck OP. The fact that you recognise that you need to start therapy is already a huge step forward ❤️

@PineappleTime you seem to have taken this really personally! 😄.

I am listening to podcasts from one specific psychotherapist who is absolutely amazing. She was talking about narcissism and at some point she said it. And it does make sense tbh. In sex/lovemaking someone has to give a lot to satisfy their partner. And a narcissist wouldn’t do that. But don’t know. Personally I have never been in bed with a “bad boy” and I don’t think I ever will. Usually I pick up on them way early and dump them.