I don't think I've ever fancied him

[CrystalJane2]

Please be kind to me and don't say "you're being awful to him" or "why did you get with him". I would value genuine advice, thanks.
I met my boyfriend around a decade ago and he's ridiculously handsome. He also adores me. I love (loved?) him and wanted to marry him.
But - I never really fancied him - and I don't know why. He was emotionally open, kind, caring. I think this is the problem.
We did have sex, it was OK, but it wasn't the main feature of our relationship.
Then, due to extenuating circumstances, we broke up for 1.5 years and I dated (had sex with) various men.
Even the one night stands I loved.
I had one one-year relationship in that period and the sex was amazing. But I never felt like I knew him. He wasn't abusive, but pretty avoidant and there was no emotional intimacy.
That's been the ongoing theme in my life: situationships/1 night stands/long relationships with men who are superficial or 'bad' (drugs/cheats) = sex amazing
Any sort of closeness/displays of vulnerability = it turns me off.
It's a me problem and I don't want to constantly only equate enjoying sex/ fancying someone to them being cold or not knowing them... it gets you nowhere!

Are you sure that you're attracted to "bad boys" and not attracted to "mystery"? I think what kills the spark for a lot of couples is when they know each other inside out, they've seen each other on the toilet and washed their dirty pants. I'm a firm believer that you have to keep a level of mystery in a relationship to keep the spice.

Alternatively is it a power thing? Do you feel like you have the upper hand in your relationship? Are you pulling all the strings? This is also a vibe killer.

In your opinion. Which is not backed up by evidence either anecdotal or evidence based. And you somehow cite 'any psychologist' to back up your opinion. Bizarre.

I also agreed with your post until this comment. This is completely untrue. I'm a psychotherapist.

You don't even need your be a psychotherapist/psychologist to see this statement is ridiculous.

Agree with Pineappletime. I had one boyfriend who was an awful human being but the sex was great. He really got off on making women get off, so he put the effort in. The trauma bond and my desire to have his attention when he was being affectionate made the emotional connection pretty strong too. It’s fucked up, but it’s a thing. It’s why make-up sex after a fight can be pretty intense.

Therapy. Cliche but true. That and a few years of growing up has made me appreciate my current super lovely DP, and still have great sex with him.

Also 'good person' is a really subjective concept! I can't even imagine where @Rania78 had got that idea from.

This is so interesting and I can relate to a lot of this. Never admitted it to anyone before.

Im aware I had a crappy childhood with parents that didn’t love each other and often suspected the issues are linked

I don't think this is uncommon at all, people just don't voice it. I've been like this since I was a teenager! I'm married to a wonderful DH and we have a great sex life, but I had to put the work in to get to that place, and to be perfectly honest I still often feel like I don't "fancy" him. Before we got married it dawned on me that it was unlikely to be different with the next person though; it was a me issue rather than a him issue. I think it would be entirely different if I hadn't enjoyed sex with him though. That's a different ballgame.

The idea that we should be continuously sexually attracted to our long term partner is a fairly new concept

There is nothing wrong with you, it is fsirly normal, in that tho majority of my friends do not really have sex with their husbands or wives anymore after 20 years...?

Only at the end of the 20th century and only in the West did it become the new societal expectation that long term partners "should" be sexual attracted to eachother for life

Look up what Esther Perel has to say about this

Don't think you are defective, you are just human, but maybe think how you can fix it (if you want to. It is possible)

I understand where you're coming from totally (and I also had an... inconsistent childhood let's say). In my 20s I enjoyed sex (and felt more free and liberated) the fewer emotions were involved. I wasn't especially interested in having a relationship so I just had a lot of casual sex with people I didn't know very well, plenty of whom were definitely not boyfriend material but I wasn't thinking of them like that anyway.

Anyway to cut a long story short it turned out that the root of that was a lot of residual shame about sex (inconsistent childhood involved religion as well). So I could fully explore everything I wanted to sexually with men I was unlikely to see much again but the minute feelings became involved, I suddenly cared what they thought of me, and whether they'd think I was weird for wanting to do X/Y/Z. So I ended up holding back.

The thing that helped me get past it (as well as therapy) was that when I met DP I assumed he'd be a one night stand and treated him as such. I caught feelings much later than he did and by that time we'd got into a sexual groove so to speak.

(I don't regret any of my casual sex by the way... I enjoyed it a lot and discovered a lot about myself. But never turn the bad boys into relationships, not even casual ones.)

As for your current partner I think you have two real options - one, to try and bring some of that "less emotional" energy into your sex life. Yes it absolutely feels weird to do things to the partner you love that you'd normally only do to men you don't intend to see again... but it's a mental hurdle, it's not real, and it's worth trying to break through it. Even just dirty talk as previously suggested.

Or to accept that as great-on-paper as he is, you're simply not attracted to him. And you can't manufacture it or force it. And that's fine, really. There are many objectively nice, handsome men out there and we feel real chemistry with very few of them. In which case you should move on.

Thanks - a lot of helpful messages! A few points. 1. I had relationships with lovely men at uni and the same pattern emerged. But post uni, when I met a man who cheated on me/another who was horrible (the list goes on), I had a great sex life.
So it's not just this man.

1. Based on that pattern I don't want to end this good relationship but do want good sex
2. I did have a serious LTR which I though combined both but in hindsight he had massive problems, was selfish and wasn't particularly emotionally literate
3. I think I'm more likely to be anxious than avoidant if we put attachment styles into play
4. I find the idea someone might not leave easily/ tell me their secrets/ be open deeply unsexy - that's awful, isn't it
5. I clearly need therapy

This is true @sheroku but it's a dynamic I don't know how to get out of. I only really fancy people who have one foot out the from the start, so we'll never be equal in that regard. What he offers me (love, safety, security) I also find unsexy

Maybe you need some role play?

I didn't fancy my DP but was in the last chance saloon.

Sex is off the table now and has been for a long time.

Don't be me.

OP, may I ask abiut your family? What type of person was your father and what was hos relationship with the mother? Any brothers? If yes, how did they behave? What about your mother?
I think you may find that more often than not we subconsciously follow our family’s paterns.
A lovely father but mother had an affair? Father not so good having multiple marriages? You will find a pattern that makes you think “he is for husband material, but thos one is just for sex. The hisband is not supposed to enjoy sex bcs sex is dirty”.

Don't want to go into detail @Rania78 but great dad. Not great mum.

I used to feel just the same.

But something completely flipped with current long term partner. I just found the contrast between his public persona (everyone knows him as lovely, kind, gentle) and his bedroom persona extraordinarily hot. It feels like I know this secret part of him. And that's persisted nearly 2 decades later, it's honestly only got better.

I'd add 2 things though: firstly loads of people I've met find hormonal contraception kills libido. Ditto antidepressants. Secondly, I think you do have to fancy the bloke from the off. Knowing someone is objectively good looking is different to wanting every part of them, loving their smell, fancying them on an animal level.

Yep - that’s what I thought ad most likely. I think you need to analyse this with a therapist. You might be surprised at how much your parents behavior/relationship might have affected you.

Thanks @Rania78 - it's hard! I know you're correct, but even as an adult you don't want to criticise your parents, especially when they're elderly. I appreciate everyone's kindness.

Thanks @ScrapeMyArse - I'm not going to leave him. But when things are a bit easier elsewhere (unrelated) and I've had therapy about my childhood (my brother asked if I had as he had and I was confused as I was like "no, it's in the past") I think I'll look at trying to inject some fun into our relationship. Not just sexually, but elsewhere (but also sexually!).

I think you might not be with the right man unfortunately @CrystalJane2 .

DP used to be quite similar to you. Only ever really fancied men who were objectively bad for her, whenever she went out with someone "nice" she got turned off really quickly. (This is all her words by the way, I've only ever met one of her exes and he seems like a nice guy, so I can't really judge)

And then she met me, and everything changed. I'm boring, safe, monogamous, emotionally available, but for some reason she clicked with me in a way she'd only ever done with "bad boys" before, and 20 years later we're still going strong.

I know I sound like I'm just blowing smoke up my own ass here, I've spent far too long trying to word this post in a way that doesn't. And maybe its all bollocks, maybe DP has just spent years telling me what I want to hear, or maybe she hasn't really ever fancied me and she's just settled like you have.

But is it really fair to your boyfriend to string him along like you're doing? You're obviously missing good sex already, how long before that leads to you looking elsewhere for it? He deserves someone who both loves him (which you do) and fancies him (which you don't). To be honest, you do too. I don't reckon you'll find it with this guy, hell you may need some therapy before you can find it with someone else. But I do think you can find it.

Interesting @Bobbotgegrinch. I don't think you're arrogant btw. I think perhaps there's more at play, and before I throw the baby out with the bathwater I should (this sounds cringe!) work on me. Because before we broke up, while our sex life wasn't 🔥, it was enough to make me feel happy and settled. I felt like your partner. And we were together a long time so I might well have echoed your partner's sentiments. But during the short breakup, I almost regressed to pre-him, the girl who couldn't mix sex and love, and now I can't get back to the happy, settled state I was in. Instead I long for the man who was objectively terrible, didn't care, but was great in the sack. But I was happy before - very happy. If you're into attachment styles I suppose, while I was with him the first time, I became earned secure - he was the only person I managed that with. Now I'm back to being horrifically anxious. And I don't think I would cheat as I couldn't do that to him.

Fair enough. For what it's worth, I hope you do manage to get back to that state, and that it works out for you.

Do you think this is fair on your boyfriend?
You are basically stringing him along under false pretences.
show him this thread so he knows what he’s getting into.
Then at least he can make up his mind knowing all the facts.

Thanks @Bobbotgegrinch. He knows somewhat of how I feel, actually, @Samedaysameshit. I've not told him everything, but certainly explained aspects of it. But wants to try anyway because he loves me and thinks we can make it work. I think it requires effort on my part - although his too. Hopefully we can.