Do you try to share time eqaully between your parents and In-Laws?

[StillWaters]

This is a bit of an issue in our family.

I have always tried to share things roughly equally and ensure both sets of grandparents get as much time with kids as each other and don't feel left out. Alawys asking one to go on holiday if we've asked the other etc and always asking them both over.

And I've done this despite finding my In-Laws deeply irrating, because they are my Dh's parents who he loves (but also finds irratating) and because they love the kids and the kids love them (currently oblivious to their irratatingness!)

I am close to my parents and enjoy their company but think this should not be the only factor.

Now, my SIL has had baby one year ago and has been on holiday with her parenst for a week and then stayed with them for a week and spent one night with my parents on the way home. My parents feel rather shut out and I feel quite hurt for them.

Also as the mother of boys, I am quite concerned that this fate lies for me, particuarly afer rading many posts with views such as 'it's your baby do what you like who cares about thier feelings' (paraphrased).

Surely we should also care about the feelings of others in our family even we if don't find them easy?

I know there are many whose In-Laws are so intolerable that they cannot and should not be endured by anyone, but I'm thinking more of the 'I just don't like them much' kind.

i agree with you - i do exactly the same with my MIL even though she, too, is deeply irritating!

i don't think we're in the majority, sadly, and it does worry me that when/if my DS eventually has his own kids, that i'm at the 'mercy' of his partner. for me, family is more important than whether i get on with my in laws, but for others it's just not worth the hassle (and it is a hassle sometimes). Obv i'm talking nice PIL here, not nasty ones - they deserve all they get!!

to be fair, your SIL might not feel comfortable staying for an extended period with your parents - but maybe you could say how much they loved seeing her and gently encourage her to have them over on a regular-ish basis? that way she can build a closer relationship with them in her own home/on her own terms? i know i wouldn't want to stay with my MIL but i have her over once a week instead...

Nope.

I can't stand my parents. They are of the toxic variety (long story).

I try to share things equally too, although I realise I am fortunate in that I like both my family and my in-laws!

I know there is sometimes an assumption that sons are less attached to their mothers than daughters but I know both men and women who are very close to their parents and men and women who would rather never be in the same room as their parents so I think it is more about the relationship than the sex of the child.

I used to try and do this. The mil's (kind of, I'm a single mum) are divorced and refuse to be in the same room as each other so I have to try to make sure I only invite one at a time. You'd think it would be simple! No. They both assume I'll invite them to things at school and not the other one, I'm always in an awkward position. I've given up being in the middle and now I invite neither.

Try to, inspite of DH's uselessness in communicating with his parents. In practice my parents live a lot closer so see more of the DGC - but that is after 5 years of it being the other way round (we used to live a lot closer to DH's parents than to mine) so I am not stressing too much about absolute balance..

To to OP - can you not deliver a subtle kick-up-backside to your DB?

I am very tempted to Stealth!

That is what I am contemplating, but am unsure if it's worth the possible hassle and if this is a staus quo we ahve to accept?

No we don't divide out time equally. mainly because my parents are a 2 hour drive away & DH's live on the same road . We see PIL twice a week minimum and my parents about once a month. My parents are happy with the fact that the ILs see DS more often than they do, but we have made efforts to make sure DS has built up a relationship with them as well as PIL. They come up & visit for the day at least every month for a meal out/play and I go & stay with them with DS for a week or so twice a year and we send regular emails with piccies & films etc & he talks to them on the phone now he is able to. TBH despite not seeing my parents very often, there isn't really much difference in DSs relationship with either set of grandparents - he loves them all just the same.

I don't think it is worth trying to ensure spedning an equal amount of time with both sides of the family. My in-laws are divorced, does that mean we give them half of a half, or a third at the expense of my parents?

We spend longer periods with my parents, but less often (if that makes sense) because they live further away. I know that my mil does count how much time we spend with my parents - had always suspected this then sil told me she did - I think it's a petty thing to do. At the end of the day it is completely up to DP and I how we decide to spend our time.

I think it depends on the circumstances. My parents live nearby so we see them quite often but only for lunch, a couple of hours, just popping in etc. My ILs live a bit further away so we see them less often but for longer - they will stay with us for the weekend or we'll stay there.
The DSs have different relationships wth them as a but I do try to keep soe sort of balance although I do have to encourage DH to inite the Ils or t ask if we can visit! Seems to be a man thing

I don't think OP's DM should "count" time as that way lies complete madness but it might be worth her kicking DB to let him know (as he probably hasn't noticed ) that his parents are currently feeling "left out"

Also as the mother of boys, I am quite concerned that this fate lies for me, particuarly afer rading many posts with views such as 'it's your baby do what you like who cares about their feelings' (paraphrased)

I think you raise a really interesting point here. I'm also worried by the shear number of threads slaming inlaws, particularly mils, as a mum to 2 boys myself. Of course, interfering/controlling/downright nastiness is never to be tolerated in a parent or an inlaw but there does seem to be a feeling that mils should stay out of things and be grateful for any access they get (obviously a sweeping generalisation I realise).

I've learnt/am learning several things from this. No matter how irritating my mil is, she's not so bad as many (quite nice in fact), my DH loves her and I respect that, my dcs love her and i love that and she raised an amazing man who i love deeply. I've learnt to take much of what she says with a pinch of salt, she's entitled to her opinion and i'm entitled to ignore it without making it a huge issue. I also never refuse access when its requested from either set of parents and always try and make sure there's no obvious favouritism (money spent on pressies, paintings/crafty stuff given etc), tbh with time i hardly think about it, its second nature and only fair.

Not sure you should be suggesting to your sil that she spends more time with your parents, that would seem interfering to me. Perhaps you could suggest to your parents that they extend more invitations to your brother and SIL, you never know your SIL my be quite shy around them as a new mum.

Both sets of parents live 3 hrs drive away, DH's parents more like 4 hrs actually. I, and DS, spend more time in the company of my parents because I love them and my mum has been incredibly supportive (coming to stay when DS was tiny and cooking, cleaning, talking, shoulder to weep on etc).

I find my MIL intensely irritating and negative at times, but do my absolute best not to show this as I want DS to have happy memories of time with his grandparents. I don't make arrangements for IL visits as this is really up to DH. I do remind him to make arrangements e.g. Christmas, and remind him that they can come and stay here whenever they want, given a little warning. He once wandered in (whilst my parents were staying, leaving in a few hours) and said, oh yeah, forgot to tell you, my mum is coming to stay... in about 2 hrs time. We had a little talk after that one.

I did worry for a while about being 'fair', but I do think that DH has to take on some of the responsibility, I'm not his social secretary

why didn't that italicise...sigh

Pheebe - x-post with you, I think you put it v well. I get on much better with MIL now that I let things wash over me a lot more. She is basically a good-hearted woman who is intensely proud of her sons. I have accepted that she is not going to change her views on a whole range of subjects. Smile and nod comes in v handy...

I think it's down to Dp to organise how much his mum spends with her grandaughter and I organise how much mine spend with theirs...

I do have a rule that HE has to be here for his mother to visit.

I really would talk to your brother. I'm sure my MIL blames me for the lack of visits. The reality is that I'm the one who nags DH to phone her once a week, I'm the one who buys her cards and presents and I'm the one who tries to get him to visit.

You've gone out of your way to keep a 50:50 split. Not everybody does that. Your parents may have to accept that they're not going to get an equal share of time, for whatever reason, but they should be able to come to some better arrangement.

Could they visit for the day or stay in a hotel when they go to visit SIL?

I do alot of smiling and nodding Mae and not just where my mil is concerned...

I think the Dh's role in maintaining contact with his parets is a valid one.

So should really be taking issue with DB rather than SIL which is my first instinct!?

My parents find it hard to visit them as they are not allowed to take their dog (so mumj has gone a few times on her own), in fcat this could be one of the isssue also with visiting my parents. SIL is not a doogy person and is in general very paricular.

(not that we are slobs, far from it!)

Agree it should be DB you tackle if anyone (assuming you have an OK relationship with him).

Is there a way round the dog issue? Could you offer to have the dog, for example? It does sound as though SILs concerns about dog could be at the root of this.

Perhaps have a word with your brother about your parents visiting and have a word with your parents about leaving their dog with someone for the visit.

I adore dogs, but if you read some of the threads on here you'll see how some mums feel about dogs (particularly around babies).

It could be that simple.

I have had the dog when my parents visit there and my parents are careful to keep the dog away form the baby when they have visited.

My parents go along with this but do feel she is neurotic aboout germs (didn't do my boys any harm etc) and would not agree to get rid of the dog when they visited. I know this would seem unreasonable and unecessary to them.

No, I don't think it is right or fair to just divide the time up in half so that you are seen to be doing things equally, because that is not true equality. Its fake equality!

For example, my Ils have no interest in going away on holiday with us (they have no interest in going on holdiay at all - not their thing). Does that mean I should stop my parents from having a holiday with my kids - because the inlaws don't want to do something? My Inlaws have never been interested in taking my daughter out for the day, or going to see father christmas or babysitting her - so should I deny my parents who do want to enjoy these experiences, just for the sake of equality? No, that would be madness.

In my mind, I think a better sense of the term 'justice' or fairness would not be to split time equally, but to allow the grandparents access to the children based on their needs and deserts(both the parents and the children). So my parents want to have an active role in my children's lives - they want to visit the children regularly, they want to babysit, take my children on holiday - so I let them. But my inlaws don't want to do those things, they don't want that kind of relationship with my children... and that's fair enough. So they don't. If I were to ensure both parties had "equal access" to the children I would either have to force my inlaws to babysit / spend time with the girls when they don't want to or deny my parents the relationship / time that they do want to have with the girls.

To me, the whole argument that one day you will be a MIL one day, so ensure "equal access" is completely spurious. Because whilst I do think that the relationship with your MIL will never quite be the same as the one you have with your mum (let's face it, even if I had a great MIL, I probably wouldn't just turn up on her doorstep and say 'lets go shopping' like I can with my mum!) so I think there is always a slight bias - but actually, it is not the major issue - the major issue is how much time the MIL and DIL invest in each other - MILs who are interested in their DILs and want to spend time with them and their children seem to get along fine (see other thread!) - the problems come when MILS / DILS don't get along for whatever reason!

Obviously you only offer time if they want it if they don't it's a non issue.

I was thinking more of situations where PIL want to see Grandchildren but feel shut out in favour of mothers parents as she usually gets along with them better.

I just think theit feelings should be taken into account. If their feelings are they don't want to be involved much and that suits you, then easy all around.

The situation you describe is not the sort I am referring to.

StillWaters, I think it's hard to understand how some people feel about germs. I grew up around dogs and so laughed when my cousin told me about her dog crying, going to see what was wrong, and finding her DD curled up in the dog's bed holding the dog's new squeaky toy.

Some people would find that horrifying. It sounds as if you parents know that she has issues with germs and feel that she over-reacts.

If she feels like that about germs, she probably finds it very hard to stay at their house (even though the dog's not in the room.)

Elkat, I don't think anyone has argued that you should ensure fair access because one day you'll be a mum in law

Also think its a no-brainer that the level of involvement should be based on what everyone wants