Do you try to share time eqaully between your parents and In-Laws?

[StillWaters]

This is a bit of an issue in our family.

I have always tried to share things roughly equally and ensure both sets of grandparents get as much time with kids as each other and don't feel left out. Alawys asking one to go on holiday if we've asked the other etc and always asking them both over.

And I've done this despite finding my In-Laws deeply irrating, because they are my Dh's parents who he loves (but also finds irratating) and because they love the kids and the kids love them (currently oblivious to their irratatingness!)

I am close to my parents and enjoy their company but think this should not be the only factor.

Now, my SIL has had baby one year ago and has been on holiday with her parenst for a week and then stayed with them for a week and spent one night with my parents on the way home. My parents feel rather shut out and I feel quite hurt for them.

Also as the mother of boys, I am quite concerned that this fate lies for me, particuarly afer rading many posts with views such as 'it's your baby do what you like who cares about thier feelings' (paraphrased).

Surely we should also care about the feelings of others in our family even we if don't find them easy?

I know there are many whose In-Laws are so intolerable that they cannot and should not be endured by anyone, but I'm thinking more of the 'I just don't like them much' kind.

So what be the answer tho girlfrommars?

Soem people do have neuroses about various issues, germs being one, does that have to then have to be adhered to by all those around them?

and if it's that extreme then help should be sort as it is not a healthly way to think.

I would understand some one being concerned about a baby holding a dog toy or going in the basket. But to avoid the house?

and my mum is super clean and house proud herself, it is far from dirty.

StillWaters, I really can only suggest that your parents visit your SIL, and leave the dog with someone while they're away. At least it would remove one possible problem.

I'm sure that your parents house is sparkling (hope you don't think I was suggesting that there actually were lots of germs there ). I was only looking at it from a practical 'how to get your parents more time with grandchild' point of view.

It's not an easy situation, and it could be that the dog/germ thing is only a minor part of it. It could be anything from her relationship with your parents, your brother not pushing the issue, her not liking to be away from home or even how comfortable their spare bed is!

Unfortunately, contact is up to your SIL and brother, so if your parents want more it will be up to them to make the allowances/sacrifices as unfair as that may be.

stillwaters, it may be nothing to do with cleanliness at all but simply the fear of having a dog near her baby, its impossible to say. do you know if she's scared of dogs herself for some reason?

on reflection i think a quiet chat with your db may well be the way to go to see if there's anything 'fixable' going on

We see a lot more of my parents for purely practical reasons. MIL is the main carer for DN because SIL has gone back to work (BIL has his own business). DN spends so much time with PIL that we hardly see them. We think that it is sad, and that SIL is taking advantage a bit, but it's not really any of our business. We really want DD to have a relationship with PIL though, and any time they success popping by or meeting up we always accept. We've suggested they visit, but they don't seem to want to stay over (due to getting back to look after DN, although I think the fact that we live in a small house and they would have to sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge is also off-putting to them).

I think I will chat to my DB about it. I don't think she's scared of dogs just doesn't like them as they're dirty.

I just feel everything has to be on her terms and she doesn't really 'give way' much for other people's feelings. I think everyone needs to do this a bit to ease relationships along.

I guess though it's just families, always complex and someone always irratated or taking offence or judging happy days.

I think in your title you meant "fairly" rather than "equally" IYSWIM. And I do try to be fair, and as it happens in my case my MIL makes it easier for me than my Mum does. But she still sees a lot more of her daughter's (DH's sister) children than ours, but that is partly a distance thing - but we are within driving distance (about an hour) but MIL is not happy to do this on her own so she is reliant on FIL. But my Mum also sees more of my sister's children than mine.

But having said all that the children stayed with the ILs Saturday night, and we spent the day with my Mum, sisters, nephews etc on Monday.

I think it is really difficult to make a judgement call, because at the end of the day only your folks and Bro really know what is going on and there is so much missing information. A couple of questions that sprang to my mind...

1. Do your parents suggest doing things? Have they asked to go away on holiday with your bro and been turned down? It might be that your bro thinks they don't want to go on holiday - if her parents asked, but your parents did not ask -well then, it may appear to your bro that your parents aren't that bothered (whether that is the case or not). You haven't actually said that your parents have explicitly said that they want more contact, and if your bro is not a mind reader...?

1. You say your parents live about an hour away, but why would having a dog make it difficult for your parents to visit - sorry don't get that one. My parents have always had dogs, and when I lived an hour away, it never stopped them visiting me once a week! (And they never brought the dog, my hubby hates them too!). Can they not get a dog sitter for the day? Do short visits? Get a neighbour to check in on the dog?

1. Why couldn't your mum suggest they meet at neutral territory, such as going out for lunch, to a park etc? Somewhere half way in between? This would make things easier with the dog.

The fact is some people ask, whilst others wait to be asked. It may well be that your SIL thinks your parents will ask if they want to see the child, whilst your parents are waiting to be asked. It may well be that her parents do actually ask, and she could perceive your parents as being uninterested for not asking!

Because we are only seeing one side of the story, and there is so much information not here (like I can't see why they can't visit once a week / have a holiday, despite the dog) that we can't possibly say. What we can deduce is that your folks are not happy and I think they need to talk to your bro. Not in a naggy kind of way, but a wanting to help / get more involved kind of way - for example, do they ever offer to babysit? I bet that would be appreciated!

I guess what I am asking is what are your parents doing to make their 50% of the relationship work? What effort have they put in and has this been directly (or indirectly) refused (because this would change the scenario). Is it that they are trying really hard to have a relationship and their efforts are being thwarted, or is it a case of neither side particularly making the effort, and them feeling left out. These are two very different situations and need to be dealt with differently!

HTH to clarify the issue!

Sorry, you didn't say your parents live an hour away - not sure where I get that from! Forget the bits that relate to an hour / short visits if that is not practical!

But if they do live a long way away, and need to stay, put the dog in a kennel - that's what my folks do, when they go away for the weekend - or could they trade dogsitting with you, for babysitting for your kids???

My LO sees more of the IL than my parents as they are local. My MIL looks after her once a week for us too.

I guess I'm lucky in that I get on well with the IL, even if they do drag me bonkers at times with their quirks and habits!

I think it is important that children should know their grandparents, but am well aware that for various reasons there may be reasons why they see more of one set of grandparents than the other.

If the child cannot see them regularly, next best thing to do is send grandparents postcards, drawings through post or get child to ring them/wave/chat at on web, so that they still get a sense of being involved in grandchild life!

I'm of an unusual variety in that I actually get on better with my ILs than my own parents. I have always had a troubled relationship with my parents (long story involving adoption and dysfunctional family) and when I met my DH and then his family it was the best thing that happened to me. My MIL is like the mother I never had and as she lives close by she sees a lot of my DS and looks after him when I am at work/need a break etc. He adores his granny and grandpa. My own parents live 200 miles away and although we stay in touch and now don't argue for the sake of DS, they don't have nearly the same bond/relationship with him. When they visit/or we visit them he is great with them as he is a very friendly little boy, but he dosen't know them that well. Although my parents weren't supportive when I was pregnant and when he was born and there is a long negative history between us I do feel a bit guilty sometimes. Part of me dosen't want him to love them as I don't a lot of them time. As an example, I went to stay with them when DS was 8 months, to get a rest. They made very hurtful comments about my weight and the way I dressed (I was suffering from PND at the time and felt very low about myself). When my DS was born, I dragged myself to the phone with catheter and drip in tow, to phone my Mum for reassurance, and she had a go at me for not keeping her updated! Then when we got home she tried to undermine me breastfeeding. Just examples.

Not so unusual Rose to prefer the IL's to your own family.

Could give you loads of examples why that is so, but there are too may to list

Sorry but since when were women responsible for making sure that their oh's and dc's maintained a relationship with oh's parents.

Surely that's the mans job. I mean, never in a million years would I expect my dh to maintain the relationship between my dc's and my mum. I do it because it should be done and he should do the same with his parents (but doesn't).

I have a son and I shall be raising him to acknowledge that it's his job to ensure I see his kids, not his wife.

To the original poster I think you should talk to YOUR BROTHER about this. I just think that it is unfair of you to say well your SIL only spent a night at your parents as I take it your brother is an adult and should be able to organise what are his children as well to be able to see his parents.

This thread seems to be about generalisations on how people treat their MILs well how about this (which is what I seem to see in a lot of the posts) why the hell should it be the childs mother who has to organise for the children to see the husbands parents (her MIL) or her fault if they don't see that much of them, fathers are adults too and are quite capable of picking up the phone, co-ordinating diaries and taking the children to grandparents or being in whilst the grandparents come and visit you (which if you don't like your MILS would give you time for some YOU time shopping somewhere else!)

To the OP, I would have your parents situation with your SIL sorted out as quickly as possible. It can get really bitter and twisted otherwise. Your SIL maybe going through all sorts at the moment and no assumptions should be made unless it is based on fact.

My PILs dont see my 3 DCs but spend all their time with their other 3 grandchildren. They don't like me and never have and because of this have subsequently shut out my DH and DCs. We are excluded from all family events, even our LOs. I have never found out what I did to become so hated (they have been confronted by DH but deny any problem!) A lot was based on assumptions about me. Unfortunately I don't have a SIL who is concerned like you. Mine is very happy to make sure her DCs are the favoured ones and stirs the situation to ensure that I don't have a relationship with her mother!

It is so sad and I worry too as have 3 sons. However, I know exactly how not to treat any future daughter in laws from my horrible experiences with my PILs!

I am still not seeing why it's SIL fault, if she doesn't like dogs then surely DB can take the children to see the grandparents, if she is afraid of having dogs around the children then the grandparents could come to their house when her husband was around(and why on earth would the grandparents take their dogs to someone elses house anyway?).

There is no reason why you should treat your own parents and your in-laws "equally" unless both your parents and your in-laws are giving you equal treatment.

My MOL has done practically nothing for me, ever. I have a saint of a mother who invites me to stay and takes complete care of me and my daughter and lets me have time off for seeing my friends, shopping, cinema being with my partner (she even takes over the children in the early morning so I can go back to bed and have a lie-in with him ).

So of course I want to do more with my parents than with my OLs.

I still ensure we see the OLs regularly and remind my partner to invite them over for lunch etc (and go to a lot of trouble to make it all nice for them). But equal treatment? No.

If the OP's issue is that it is not fair on her parents not to get as many visits as the other set of gps, then I think it is up to her parents to encourage as many visits, both ways, as possible. If it is clear that the mother will favour her own parents and the father does not try to redress this balance, then they need to make an effort if they want it to change.

My view is that, whatever our own feelings about our parents or in-laws, our primary responsibility is to ensure our children have the opportunities to build relationships with all their grandparents/aunts/uncles etc. I am not very keen on either my parents or my in-laws but my ds adores all of them and I do all I can to enable him to spend time with them. (This is not to say that parents should be obliged to maintain contact with abusive family members.)

{{{Sorry but since when were women responsible for making sure that their oh's and dc's maintained a relationship with oh's parents. Surely that's the mans job}}}

Have to say I find that attitude a bit odd. The dcs don't care who's parents the grandparents are and its down to the parents (ma AND pa) to foster and promote all such positive family relattionships regardless of whose 'side' they may be on

the adult relationships however are a whole different ballgame...

I have a certain sympathy with you....I have a brother who is useless at keeping in touch with my mum and SIL is great but again, she probably calls her own mum more often than mine etc etc and feels that my brother should make the time to "service" his own family since she also has a big family too. She also works full time. BUT, my mum (who also has me and my sister) makes all effort to go and see them and their 3 ds's (she says "if they won't bother to make arrangements, then I'll just ask if I can pop up") - that might sound pushy but she really isn't - I do the same and they are always pleased to see any of us but just don't get round to inviting us.

I think if my SIL had a word with me about my relationship with DS and MIL I would hit the roof. I suspect I might be more amenable to having that conversation with my DH if she had had a word but also might feel a bit hurt - difficult difficult. On the other hand, I'm aware when I know IL's feel a bit "put out" and rectify the situation - they haven't done anything wrong they just love to see us (whether we are in the mood for them or not is another matter !!)....

My own mum sees my ds quite a lot - I work part time but she lives near and loves to see him when she can - we pop in for coffee or might go and do some shopping and she will always babysit for us. My IL's live a bit further away and can't do a quick babysitting job but DH and I have arranged weekends away and always alternate who he goes to if we do this - I occasionally pop over there with him on one of my days off but do find I'm quite busy - I therefore also get DH to take him sometimes on a weekend to kill two birds with one stone so to speak.

I too find my IL's irritating but in reality only as much as my own parents can be irritating....I really try to rise above it - not always easy but sometimes I know it's me being a bit awkward too ! . In my case both sets of parents are very interested in ds and love to see him - I also don't want ds to see that I "favour" one or other and want him to have his own relationship and his own bonds. I find that bond with those grandparents so special that I want them both to enjoy it. But, I am lucky that I do generally get on well with both which really isn't always the situation (this thread is testament to that)

I have friends who don't get on with their parents but do get on famously with their IL's - I too worry that I'll only have sons and when they grow older DH and I will be cast aside in favour of the DIL and her parents....but it really will depend on the relationship we have. DH has a sister - she hasn't had any kids and she really doesn't do any of those "girly" things with her mother - in fact they don't really get on that well at all. You can have daughters but it doesn't mean you'll get on with them....

My ds is terrified of dogs....I'm not keen either. Shoot me down but I know some dog lovers don't get the anxiety of non-dog lovers. Saying that, the germ thing sounds like an issue too doesn't it - that's just a personal thing though isn't it - we're all different.

I do try to involve mum and MIL as much as I can as DS is first GC for both. I get on really well with both but naturally speak/see mum more - she's my mum! I really try to make the effort to update and involve MIL as much as possible as I feel guilty about this.

We see at least one of my parents about once a week (or more) - they both have cars, are fit and are retired so are very useful!
MIL relies on FIL to drive and now I don't have a car (used to visit her once a week) so we are seeing them less lately. Plus DS can be a bit of a handful and MIL is frail (though not even 60) and PIL has awful tendency to flap about anything (inc driving the kids for some reason). We really ought to make more effort as they both adore the kids but the easier option is always more appealing isn't it?
Don't think any of us would want to go on holiday together!

I don't think you can exactly equal the time because a lot of practicalities come into it, for example FIL saw more of the DSs when they were small because he was on his own and lived locally and my mother lives some distance away so would see them less frequently but in blocks. It doesn't really matter unless one set are being cut out when they would like more contact. I think that you need to talk to your brother, it is up to him to give more time to your parents.

I think this is always a tricky situation. Both sets of GPs live in the same town about 100 miles away. My parents are about 15 years younger than PILs, and are very active and love to do things with the children when they can. We see them about once a month, and generally spend the whole weekend together. They are really interesting in my kids and speak to them, play with them, take them out on bikes, etc, etc. My PILs are quite different (not sure if this is an age thing or just them), they seem to be happy just to watch them for about 30 minutes, ask a few questions about school, and the jobs done.

I also have to really nag DH to arrange to see PILs, which also makes it more of a drag.

I had a very close relationship with all of my GPs, lots of dear memories of doing stuff together (I'm not talking trips to Disneyland here, just spending 'quality' time together), and I'm very aware that my children will have less balanced memories of their GPs. But what can I do - they have a small park within a few minutes walk of their house, yet they have not suggested once in 7 years that they take them around there.

And it really doesn't help that I find them pretty irritating - but mainly because they show such little interest. I would love quite like them to call up, ask when we might next be able to visit, and suggest we do something together.

My parents are in the states, we vist roughly twice a year but it will be less now that DS will be going to school in september. Even with only 2 trips a year they spend as much time as possible with DS. My MIL is lovely, she sees DS a few times a week, Iron's DH's work shirts becuse I'm lethel with an iron. FIL and his wife are another story... they never babysit and never spend time with DS on his/our turns, instead they show up at DS's tea time, or right when he should be going to bed, then only stay 15 or 20 min tops.

it really agrivates me because I see it as them not really giving a damn about us/ds. I would rather they stop visting all together than half assed vists and strange oddments of cash.. don't want the money I want them to care about DS and Love him, thier only grandson. My gransparents had nothing to do with me, both my parents are black sheep so I was too. I dont want DS to feel remotly like how i felt growing up. but am powerless to do anything. Can't make FIL and his wife spend "quality" time with DS.... sigh