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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being assertive is putting men off me

73 replies

Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:12

The last 2 guys I dated basically went off me once I communicated how I felt or what I needed. It's very disappointing as I liked them both a lot. One of them started being flaky with answering messages and I wouldn't hear from him for days. When I said I had noticed this and that I didn't really like it , he had a tantrum and I haven't heard from him since.
The other guy wanted to come to mine on the 3rd date but I wanted to have a few more dates before he came to my place , when I told him this in a nice way, he accepted it but then did the slow fade and we never ended up meeting again..
It just sucks as I liked them both. If I had kept my mouth shut , I might still be seeing them.
Starting to see how having boundaries makes people disappear.
Has anyone else noticed this?

OP posts:
EarthSight · 23/04/2024 23:16

I don't think it's just about being assertive. It's about the fact that sadly, despite seeming nice, they probably just wanted to get their leg over fairly quickly. It's not the behaviour of men who are really interested or invested in a woman.

Solgrass · 23/04/2024 23:21

Yes but if you had kept your mouth shut your post on MN would be about the guy youve been dating for months doesn’t always respond to messages or another saying the guy you spent the night with has ghosted you.

You’re in a much better position than that girl, so every cloud.

However……. you can convey what you want without explicitly spelling it out.
For example, if a guy wanted to come to mine on the 3rd date but I didn’t want to- then you joke and play around/tease a bit. You don’t have to play it serious and state how may dates in that should happen. That is a bit off putting.

But, I think you’re naturally like that or you’re not. That might not be you- but what you should admire about yourself is you can articulate to the other person exactly how you feel and what you want. You know how many people who are married that can’t even do that! The right guy will come along who loves this about you

BirthdayRainbow · 23/04/2024 23:23

No don't think like that. You've stood up for what you want and they've been found wanting. You've dodged several bullets. It is a good thing.

Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:29

@Solgrass thank you, that was very uplifting for me to read as I've been feeling really crap about it all. I've been trying to be more assertive and communicate better in my relationships with others, not just men. I'm also trying to do it in a non confrontational way but I can see how people are just falling by the wayside

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:30

@EarthSight I think he just wanted his leg over as well and wasn't willing to put the work in first

OP posts:
Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:30

@BirthdayRainbow yes , they were both lacking and neither of them obviously liked me enough to change or at least try to compromise, they just bowed out

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 23/04/2024 23:36

It's a good thing, surely? Weed out the shit men as early as possible.

fromaytobe · 23/04/2024 23:36

Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:29

@Solgrass thank you, that was very uplifting for me to read as I've been feeling really crap about it all. I've been trying to be more assertive and communicate better in my relationships with others, not just men. I'm also trying to do it in a non confrontational way but I can see how people are just falling by the wayside

But you want the shit ones to fall by the wayside.

Stick to your guns OP, and don't settle for something you aren't entirely happy with.

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/04/2024 23:39

Keep your standards high, OP!

Saintmariesleuth · 23/04/2024 23:41

Keep your standards high. Your assertiveness is saving you from wasted time with these half hearted men who it doesn't sound are looking for a serious relationship.

EBearhug · 23/04/2024 23:41

Boundaries are good. There are decent men out there. You've got rid of some of the ones who aren't.

thebestinterest · 23/04/2024 23:45

Hmmm… possibly. If the guys aren’t that in to you, yes.

I had the opposite experience when I met my DH. He didn’t ask—he told me that I needed to be assertive if we were going to stay together.

Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:46

Wow, feeling better about it already, thanks so much everyone! Yes it's the shit ones that are falling by the wayside but I can't help it if I liked them , which is also shit.
I definitely don't think I'm a demanding person ,I just kind of want the standard stuff that would be expected, not the half assed stuff that I had been getting

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 23/04/2024 23:46

Good on you op! Keep your standards high! ✊

Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:48

I also do think that they just weren't that into me and I'm sure if they meet a girl they really like they will miraculously be able to step up and do whatever is needed

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 23/04/2024 23:49

Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:48

I also do think that they just weren't that into me and I'm sure if they meet a girl they really like they will miraculously be able to step up and do whatever is needed

This is true.

Saintmariesleuth · 23/04/2024 23:50

Absolutely, you deserve someone that would step up for you. Don't settle for someone who makes you feel second best.

Original poster
Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:52

@Saintmariesleuth One of them in particular really did make me feel about 5th best to be honest!

OP posts:
Telemakus · 23/04/2024 23:57

Boundaries84 · 23/04/2024 23:52

@Saintmariesleuth One of them in particular really did make me feel about 5th best to be honest!

You've answered your own question here really.

MrsDoubtfire24 · 24/04/2024 00:01

Starting to see how having boundaries makes people disappear.

They make the wrong people disappear.

Garlicked · 24/04/2024 00:09

Have you heard about the Shark Cage metaphor, @Boundaries84? Sounds like your cage is doing a brilliant job of keeping the sharks out!

https://westcasa.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/TheSharkCage.pdf

bluebells89 · 24/04/2024 00:12

This is exactly how you need to be to weed out the a holes. Remember boundaries only offend those who were never going to respect them in the first place.

Guy 1 wasn't interested in a relationship and guy 2 just wanted to have sex! You've lost absolutely nothing and kept your self respect in tact. Good for you girl. Keep those standards high. I wish I had been more like this when dating.

grinandslothit · 24/04/2024 00:18

It sounds like you're doing great really weeding out the riff raff.

The faster you do this the sooner you'll meet decent men.

StarsGuitars · 24/04/2024 00:22

You are only ‘putting off’ men who would be controlling and not suited to you. That’s a good thing. Don’t settle or lower the bar for anyone.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 24/04/2024 00:49

You are only 'putting off' the ones who aren't good enough.

Stick with your boundaries and standards.

It'll be worth it when you find someone who deserves you.

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