Being assertive is putting men off me

[Boundaries84]

The last 2 guys I dated basically went off me once I communicated how I felt or what I needed. It's very disappointing as I liked them both a lot. One of them started being flaky with answering messages and I wouldn't hear from him for days. When I said I had noticed this and that I didn't really like it , he had a tantrum and I haven't heard from him since.
The other guy wanted to come to mine on the 3rd date but I wanted to have a few more dates before he came to my place , when I told him this in a nice way, he accepted it but then did the slow fade and we never ended up meeting again..
It just sucks as I liked them both. If I had kept my mouth shut , I might still be seeing them.
Starting to see how having boundaries makes people disappear.
Has anyone else noticed this?

This is exactly the way to be.

Don’t compromise on your boundaries, don’t lower your standards, don’t pander.

You’re weeding out the shit, low-effort men who you really wouldn’t want in your life.

Absolutely this. This is actually really healthy!

Absolutely! Your self reflection is admirable OP. Sometimes having healthy boundaries and a communication style can feel weird and uncomfortable when we're used to unhealthy people. You're not doing anything wrong. Trust me - you would NOT want either of these men.

So your boundaries are, so far, putting off half assed men. Isn't that exactly what you want?

Yes I totally agree that it's great that this is putting the low effort men off, problem is I may sometimes have liked the low effort men for example with these 2 guys, I definitely got on well with them, was attracted to them physically and so I was hurt when they basically walked away. I should feel I have dodged 2 bullets but I just feel a bit sad that they're gone.

You feel sad because you feel that they might have morphed into better people if you had let them get away with less effort. They would not.

It's natural because you only saw/knew them in the early stages. It's more the lost potential you're likely sad about. In the long run, it's a success that they've stepped away. You'll see that once the initial sadness fades.

During the early stages of a relationship there is a fine balance between having standards and communicating them in a way not to be overwhelming. People manage this differently. You'll only find out where that balance is through the feedback you've had from your dates and adapting as you see necessary.

Why? That’s a bit harsh of him. That would put me right off.

The quote disappeared- this was to the poster who said her DH told her he had to be assertive to stay with him. Just weird.

It's called the trash taking itself out. Any man who cannot respect your boundaries or meet your expectations doesn't deserve to be with you. You've dodged a few bullets by the sounds of it. Please don't lower your standards for a man.

No. Having healthy boundaries isn't about adapting to others. It's about being you, and in the way that you want to. Other people don't need to adapt either. There's no 'fine balance' to be found. A compatible partner will respect your boundaries, and the way you put them across. If someone doesn't, they're not a compatible partner. You don't 'adapt' to people who aren't compatible with you: that's a recipe for shit relationships.

You are both getting to know each other in the early stages of the relationship. Coming across strongly in any area can misrepresent your character and create a false impression of the type of person you are which may not be in your interests early on if you're fond of them and they haven't given reason for any concerns.

Actually one of them blocked me which is making me feel even more hurt , he literally blocked me when I voiced how I felt

You feel sad because you feel that they might have morphed into better people if you had let them get away with less effort. They would not.

This. Totally this wot @NonPlayerCharacter said.

Honestly, be glad you see this side of him early on. Last thing you want is that you only find out once you are more emesged in his life and have to start making compromises.

This is seriously good news for you.

I know it doesn't feel like it but often these 'slammed doors' are mercies. It's okay to be upset though.💖

It sounds like they both just wanted a shag. Common on old, if that's where you got in contact.

Oh good Lord, you can't possibly think you missed out on anything! Anyone who falls at the first hurdle isn't going to lead to anything long-term (which I assume is what you want). At the end of the day he doesn't care about how you feel, so it would have been a hiding to nothing.

@Boundaries84

i understand the hurty feelings, but give yourself a slap

why do you want to waste your time (& money) seeing blokes who ultimately aren't going to be relationship material?

you liiiked them. Why? What was it about them you actually liked? You had a few dates with them, they were unsuitable, you weeded them out by not putting up with their shit. Yes the first one blocked you, but only after you explained he wasn't meeting your needs. So he then blocked you instead of trying to meet your needs. All at the very beginning of seeing you, imagine how much less of a shit he'd give in a years time.

stop moping, they're not worth it!!

This is great news as it means that you are weeding out the losers and lowlifes and users pretty much straight away without wasting months or even years of your life on them and compromising your values and self-worth. You are giving yourself the best possible opportunity to meet someone who is worth your time and your love.

Don't lower your standards, you're doing well. I wish that some of my friends who settle for the crumbs that lots of men throw out would have boundaries like yours and would remove themselves from the pattern of being hurt by useless, selfish men and more upset the more invested they let themselves become.

It's called the trash taking itself out.

I love this. I’ll be sure to use it in conversation.

Don’t give it another moment’s thought. Onwards and upwards! 💜

I dunno, would you be happy in a year, two years, three years, if you hadn't stood up for yourself? There's tonnes of people who've bent for men, then wonder why they've accidentally married a shit.