Being assertive is putting men off me

[Boundaries84]

The last 2 guys I dated basically went off me once I communicated how I felt or what I needed. It's very disappointing as I liked them both a lot. One of them started being flaky with answering messages and I wouldn't hear from him for days. When I said I had noticed this and that I didn't really like it , he had a tantrum and I haven't heard from him since.
The other guy wanted to come to mine on the 3rd date but I wanted to have a few more dates before he came to my place , when I told him this in a nice way, he accepted it but then did the slow fade and we never ended up meeting again..
It just sucks as I liked them both. If I had kept my mouth shut , I might still be seeing them.
Starting to see how having boundaries makes people disappear.
Has anyone else noticed this?

This!
And all the other great replies you've had.

You sound like me op and my DH thinks I'm the dogs bollocks and makes me deal with people like tradespersons who need a firm hand (but only cos he knows I'm happy doing that). But he's a gem. 😍

Sounds like an excellent screening method to me - well done

Get used to it, because OLD is full of chancers who I'm sure seem lovely at the beginning. This will happen lots, but they are the chaff to sort through. Iits not about you, they were the ones lacking. They gave you red flags, you challenged, they now know you are not the easy touch they were hoping for, job done. Exactly how OLD should be played.

If they do that's fine but don't give them anymore thought. They weren't for you. No one fancies everyone in the world. It's not personal. Keep being you.

I find people who are doing online dating quite often end up feeling like this for various reasons.

There's an assumption that everyone doing it is looking for a relationship so, if someone doesn't want one with me, I must be doing something wrong.

That's not the case.

Go to your local on a Saturday night. It'll he full of men. Many of them would be fun company for an evening in the pub but you'd not want to date the vast majority of them for many reasons. Online dating is no different.

The answer to interacting with men who disregard/don't respect your boundaries and who disappear/lose interest when you assert them is to move on until you meet someone whose boundaries align with yours. Not to question your own.

I also do think that they just weren't that into me and I'm sure if they meet a girl they really like they will miraculously be able to step up and do whatever is needed

That's also likely to be true so all you've done is avoid being 'settled for' by a bloke who wants regular sex and A Girlfriend who made you feel shit about yourself and question everything - why doesn't he want to? Why am I not enough? Why has he done X again?

It's stil not a reflection on you that you are not what they wanted.

If more women had better boundaries, the Relationships board on here would look very different. Actually, it probably wouldn't exist!

Surely that’s why we have boundaries? Allows us to eliminate the poor candidates for long term partner status early!

I certainly wouldn’t want to date Mr Flaky Communicator or Mr Assumes he’ll Bang long term so would be delighted if enforcing my boundaries highlighted these guys and caused them to drop out of the race. Stick to your boundaries, there are guys out there who won’t be put off by them and those are the ones you should be dating :)

You should have got rid of him when he made you feel like that, tbh.

Well thank God you are putting them off! Why would you want to encourage someone who just want sex and would then inevitably just leave you?

And realistically, how good would these guys be in bed anyway? They can't even be bothered to date properly!

OP, it is great that you have clear boundaries and are asserting them. This saves you from wasting time on guys who aren't worth it. Keep doing that and don't stand for any nonsense!

So they were testing you to see how much you would put up with and really you weren't being demanding just expecting a bit of decency.

The things you had to point out, especially early on, if you find yourself thinking I need to point something like this out again change your mindset, instead of thinking "they don't like me because I am assertive" just think "blimey they really do want to offer the bare scrapings of decency" and don't waste anymore of your time

So first one message "hi X I really can't be doing with flakey messaging so let's call it a day"

If I had kept my mouth shut , I might still be seeing them.

And then what? Be miserable as they treat you like shit? The second guy would have ghosted you as soon as you shagged him, he clearly didn't like you for you and was only interested in sex. Then you'd be feeling disrespected AND used.

If you’d ‘kept your mouth shut’ you’d be in a relationship with a shit man. Why on earth would you want this??

If being assertive put them off, then that's two less time wasters you have to worry about :)

You're looking at this the entirely wrong way.

By being assertive and having boundaries, you've weeded out the dreggs. Keep on as you are! You will find one who respects your boundaries and communicate well.

Surely it is a good thing that helps you sort out the losers from the keepers?

If a man can't cope with you having healthy boundaries and stating your own needs then he is not worth your time.

Keep the faith OP

I used to think there was a problem with my communication style because exhusband1 would sulk when I tried to discuss things and exhusband2 would go full darvo

but now I’m in a relationship with a lovely man who isn’t abusive, it turns out that there is nothing wrong with my communication style at all 🤷‍♀️

tldr: the problem is not you

@Boundaries84 Well done for having standards! You haven't wasted time on men who just wanted to use you.

Dh has a friend I loathe for the way he treats women. He's selfish, inconsiderate and tight - what a catch! But he manages to convince women to have sex with him. At times the bar is set so low it's untrue.

Keep your standards & self worth high.

The first one didn’t sound interested and that was before you talked to him

not sure about 2nd possibly just want a shag or not that interest to put the leg work in

we have a woman at work who pride herself on being straight talking
but the reality is she comes across as curt,abrasive and rude

The two examples cited:
1 He was already backing off, being 'flaky'.
2 You weren't compliant so he needed a more suitable mark.

Not you. Them. Keep it up, you're filtering out the losers.

It's like weeding.

You have fewer plants at the end but the ones you have look beautiful.

Your opening post is really positive - it's great to have high standards.

Do you think it ever crossed their minds that they were the problem, OP?

At the risk of making a massive generalisation, I do think women are overall more likely to wonder if they were the problem than men are...

I think some men are massively lacking in self-awareness - often the ones who could most do with some. But I also think some don't care. If they go through the numbers, eventually someone with low self-esteem might stick around, and if not, there's an Internet full of other women thry can try.

You did well, OP. You liked them because they were in best behaviour charm offensive mode to get you into bed. Lots of men do this. You showed you don't do that and they showed who they really are - both men you don't like or respect, so why would you miss dating them longer term? Keep looking until you meet the man who respects you and genuinely likes you.

Absolutely.