Solo life - no family

[Ginghamsheep]

If you were facing life all alone, what would you do?

I have no siblings, not in contact with cousins. I can't have children.

I feel extremely scared for the future. Once my parents have gone I will be completely on my own.

If you were in this position, could you make yourself happy? Or is it game over for me?

Thanks for any support or advice.

@Hairydairyfair Thank you. Will send you a DM.

I started a new job on Monday, and HR wanted an emergency contact. "I don't really have one," isn't an acceptable answer apparently.

I have put my landlord who lives about 200 miles away, but would have keys if no one heard from me, and a friend who isn't that close, but is single and completely gets the "who is my emergency contact?" issue - and she is probably one of the closest people to my office - she' lives closer than I do to the office, anyway.

In my previous job, i was a first aider, and we called whoever casualty asked us to; i would guess this was probably their emergency contact, but it may not have been. We also sent people home in a taxi at the company's expense, or had a colleague drive them. (It didn't happen often - this is over about 15 years, and only 1 required an ambulance.)

This is exactly what I need to find too.

I moved to a new area for a fresh start last year. I’ve made a few acquaintances, but nothing really substantial. It’s surprising how few women have a similar approach to life as I do. Obviously I don’t need friends who agree with me on every aspect of life but I feel like having some common ground on interests and opinions is probably a decent starting point.

I thought I’d found a good friend but she cancels on me at least half the time and the last few occasions we’ve gotten together I’ve come away not feeling great about myself. I think our values are just too different and I’ll probably put that friendship on the back burner.

I can’t seem to find my tribe.

@Didsomeonesaydogs What sort of things / activities have you tried to meet friends through, if you don't mind me asking?

You are welcome to DM me if you like. You never know, we might live in a similar area!

I would love to set some sort of website / platform up on which people can find others who have no or little family. I guess it would have to be by region / city etc as I am guessing most people would like to find local friends.

I think the issue we are facing will become more and more common in future. More people are having only children, I think, meaning little or no blood relations to go through adult life with.

I joined the WI and have gone to some of the social events, but I find I don’t have much in common with many (any!) of the women.

I looked at a local walking group but they were all a lot older than me as it was midweek.

I went to some self improvement workshops but they were quite poorly attended (like 4 people total) and everyone else seemed to know each other already.

I did a menopause art workshop but I was the only one who showed up!

I’m on the meetup app and I might start going along to some events on there.

I’m not that great at putting myself out there I guess. Working remotely means I could quite easily become a hermit if I’m not careful!

I’m in Hampshire in case you’re anywhere nearby.

Setting up a website sounds like a great idea.

I am in London if anyone is nearby.

@Didsomeonesaydogs It sounds like you have been trying really hard to 'get out there'. I am sorry it hasn't worked out yet, but keep going!

Sorry I am nowhere near Hampshire. 😕

totally relate to this. There’s been a few occasions I’ve been asked for a NoK and they’ve looked so confused when I’ve told them I don’t have one. ‘But I have to put down a NoK! There must be someone?!’ Err, no, there isn’t. It makes me feel like shit.

@Ginghamsheep luckily I am very happy in my own company, I enjoy being at home and I don’t feel lonely, just a bit “alone” at times. I’m going to a board games event in a couple of weeks’ time so we’ll see what that holds.

Your website idea sounds great. Like a dating app but for friends. I’d possibly sign up for something like that.

Hope you have fun and meet some nice people at the board game event @Didsomeonesaydogs

Without wanting to downplay what you’re going through, to me this circumstance sounds incredibly freeing. You can do anything you want to do without being tied by responsibilities or weighed down by anyone’s expectations. You can afford to take risks. You can try things and then start again if it goes wrong, without having to worry about letting anyone down or how it might impact someone else. You can create any life you want to - the kind that novels are written about! That might mean finding love along the way, a life partner or just a passionate fling. It might mean travelling, making new friendships, working abroad. It might going to live in a commune (I read an article about what sounded like a lovely commune in Southern England recently) then leaving if you find its not for you. It might going to live in solitude in a cabin in the Hebrides and writing about a very adventurous life that you’ve chosen not to have because you prefer routine and simplicity. It might mean deciding to adopt a child (or children!) and embarking on a whole new life journey raising a family. It might mean trying a new job or retraining, starting a business, finding a passion for photography or whatever else it might be. It means that there is SO much possibility. Your life is your own.

The one thing I would prioritise along the way is building and nurturing friendships. As you get older, you’ll appreciate and value that. But that doesn’t prevent you from doing any of the above and pursuing the things that interest or excite you is the best way to find like minded people.

I understand it might not feel like to this to you right now and it must be frightening the idea of being alone. There are so many people in your position and people who have close family and a partner and still feel completely alone. It doesn’t mean there isn’t hope for the future. You have so much time to build meaningful connections with people you can share your life with, whether friendships or romantic. In the meantime, be your own main character and live your life for you!

OP could you try selling some of your crafts online? Social media and Etsy? You’re unlikely to be able to make a living from it but it might give you a sense of purpose if you’re creating things to sell and if you market it well it could grown over time - you might even be able to drop down a day at work?

If you’re not passionate about your job, since no one is financially dependent on you, can you try something else you’re more interested in? Would you consider retraining as an art teacher? Is there anything else you’d like to do? You still have so much of your working life ahead of you it’s well worth changing course at this stage for something that gives you more fulfilment.

Have you tried bumble BFF for friendships?

@Internationalpony Thank you so much for your kind and positive reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and help me see a more positive future, and all the possibilities open to me.

I think art is the way forward for me. It's the one thing that still gets me excited and gives me something to live for! I think I could start producing things to sell on Etsy etc, in fact I have done that in the past a bit. I also think I could use my love of art and crafts to make friends. I am currently doing some research into how I could start my own crafts group.

I have been using Bumble too, and have made a lovely new friend recently who is actually in the same position as me! So I am feeling a bit more positive about the future and less alone. 😊

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation. I asked myself the same question a couple of years ago and the conclusions are:

1. Loneliness is something we will all face eventually. Even if you find someone, it's quite likely you will outlive your partner (statistically women live longer than men).
2. Financial security will reduce many problems of old age. It means building up the pension pot from now and doing proper cashflow calculation for retirement.
3. Work can fulfill part of our social needs and give us something to do in old age. I plan to reach financially freedom at 50, but will work part-time for as long as I can.
4. Having a large and diverse network of friends helps. This requires a lot of effort and patience. I moved to the UK from another country and didn't have any friend in the first 5 years. But gradually the list builds up.

I think the bottom line is there are many different paths in life. All of them can lead to contentment as long as we understand the pros and cons of our choice, and actively prepare for it X

OP - glad to hear you are feeling more positive about not being alone! If you can afford it I would also recommend some of the low key art courses at places like Art Academy in London Bridge.
I am also in London, SW, so happy to organise an art inspire brunch for anyone like minded over the summer to share ideas if you DM me. Best of luck!

@Okigen Thank you, that's all very positive and sensible advice. I wish you all the very best for the future.

@occhiazzurri Thank you, I will definitely have a look at art courses. I'm afraid I am not in London though, but I hope your art inspired brunch goes well - sounds like a great idea!

Can I jump in? I’m in the same situation, live alone, two grown up DC, divorced and newly single after a 4.5 year relationship, I moved to a new county for my ex partner and am very isolated. Please also PM me and we could chat 😊

In England I do not think I would be able to do a solo for the rest of my life. I would move to a much more warmer place. As you have not kids save as much as you can and go travelling to see if you fall in love with another place. If you make art is lovely for inspiration.

@ChookaPooka whereabouts are you roughly?

Hi, I am Lancashire 😊

Ah that’s a shame, I’m nowhere near!

I'm in SE and 44 and have been going through the same thing realising I am not having children. My DB has a severe mental disorder so not much family support.

I am currently exploring being a respite foster carer alternate weekends. I've also been doing a free personal finance course (rebel finance school) which has made me feel more optimistic. Last year I learned weight lifting although that didn't make me any friends!

I am currently brainstorming ideas of activities I can join and try. Open to meeting women in 40s or 50s.

Don’t project your own feelings onto everyone else. Plenty of people enjoy a temperate climate and there are loads of beautiful places in England which are really uplifting places to live or explore on weekend trips. Of course OP is free to move abroad if she wishes but she’s also free to move to Cornwall or the Peak District or stay right where she is and have an equally fulfilling life. The weather really isn’t that bad - London gets the same rainfall as Rome and half the rainfall of New York. I personally enjoy living somewhere which has the variety of all four seasons!

@Internationalpony It is OK, thank you. I didn't mind the suggestions from @Triestre However I am with you, in that I am happy in the UK. There are a lot of beautiful places I would still like to explore 😊

Have you thought of starting your own Meetup group? Details of how to do this are on the Meetup site.

A friend of mine moved to a new area about 10 years ago and set up a group which has been incredibly successful, and she now lives her life around the activities on the site and the friends and contacts she's made.

The groups that are quite vague eg 'Over 30s Wanting to Get Out and About and Make New Friends' seem to be the most successful and can encompass all sorts of things like walks, meals, coffee, holidays and special interests (eg art) and events. Whereas special interest groups like 'Weekly Get Together for Artists' seem to have less appeal and don't seem to last long.