Solo life - no family

[Ginghamsheep]

If you were facing life all alone, what would you do?

I have no siblings, not in contact with cousins. I can't have children.

I feel extremely scared for the future. Once my parents have gone I will be completely on my own.

If you were in this position, could you make yourself happy? Or is it game over for me?

Thanks for any support or advice.

@existentialpain I have some hobbies I like doing, but I worry about my situation a lot and it takes away the enjoyment. I feel a bit of a failure really. I was quite academic and did very well at school and university, but I have never really managed to translate that into a good or fulfilling career. I work a boring office job. My colleagues are nice, but obviously they have their own lives.

Haha, same! I was a nerd and a teacher’s pet at the same time ;)

Perhaps Open University study? I know the OU has a bit of a bad rep because of Jo Phoenix etc but even if you’re level 6 qualified, you can get a student loan for a part time degree as long as it’s STEM. Not so great if you’re not into sciences or Maths but psychology also counts as STEM.

I studied with OU like this in the past, didn’t do a full degree but was rewarding, nevertheless.

@BluntPoet I don't think I really want to do another degree to be honest but thank you for that suggestion. I can't think of anything I would be passionate enough to study to make it worthwhile. Other than maybe art, but I can't see me making a career out of that.

I am in your position, 20 years down the road. I understand your fears and concerns, because they are and have been mine too. However - we get one precious life, and I believe in not wasting it. Do with it what will bring you happiness and fulfilment. Maybe a part-time art degree would bring its own rewards in the joy it gives you.

I know exactly what you mean, but I don't think finding a partner is necessarily the answer.

I'm divorced, 2 adult DC with their own lives to lead (and moved out of the area), no siblings, no extended family and close friends live abroad.

It seems daunting at times, but then finding a new partner isn't the magic pill. Couples split up and then you usually lose your in-law family, no matter how close you were. Partners can also pass away before you do. It's also not healthy to put all your energies and support network into just one person. (Though if you do find someone whilst building a wider support network, that's great too).

Think of all the things you want to do with your life. Places you'd like to see, things you'd like to do. These days there are loads of options for female solo travellers to join holidays with other female solo travellers and you may well make friends along the way whilst building shared memories with other people who may be in similar situations.

Start asking your colleagues if they'd like to go out for a Friday evening beer after work.

Also, dating apps such as Bumble are not just for dating, there is a section on there for meeting new friends, so perhaps take a look at that.

As others have said, joining clubs for things that interest you. Perhaps if you like art, joining a local photography group, but make the time and effort to ask people you think you'll click with (excuse the pun) to go for a drink or a cup of coffee after the group has finished their meeting.

I have moved around a lot my whole life and have therefore been constantly the one having to make new friends in new areas. It's hard and it does require a lot of effort driving things from your side, but it can be done

Good luck, OP.

I've been single most of my life, never lived with anyone since I left shared houses. Now in 50s. Parents both died young. Sister doesn't really speak to me. Don't have any local friends really, but I do have friends from school, uni, various shared houses and jobs. And I do a lot - evening classes, exercise classes. Not currently working - I was made redundant, and a workshop a couple of weeks ago made me realise how I miss team working (though not work per se, good as an income would be...)

You have to get involved and make your community. You will be the one making more effort to maintain relationships and travel to visit people. But if you don't, you greatly increase the chance of disappearing from people's consciousness, because they get busy with work and children and parents.

And make a will. (Need to update mine.)

I got married at 40 after a lifetime on my own. The marriage lasted 20 years then failed but I no longer feel lonely. I think it's because I am past the menopause. I still work at 62 and have a handful of good friends and my cats.
I'm perfectly happy.

I would hope to have some close friends or a community of close friends and retire together (for example all move to one place). (Easier said than done as friends who I thought i’d do it with when I was 25 are somehow annoying when im 40+🙄)

I would also pursue my hobbies, like painting, or sailing around the world (both are difficult with family). Travelling!

at some point I was also longing for shutting myself in a monastery but 18th century style like aristocratic women did when they couldn’t live in secular world anymore for whatever reason

Where would you like to live, if you're not keen on the village?

If you enjoy art, get involved with any nearby art classes, connect with local artists, have it as a bit of a sideline to your office job?

Really enjoying the responses to this thread!

I am in the same position, a few years older, and have lived on my own for 10 years. As others have commented, you need to work on finding your own family through friends, work and any other form of social connection. I think where you live is quite isolating - can you move closer to a bigger city? If you then try to get involved in any kind of hobby you fancy and do it on a weekly basis, you will be able to get to know people and form newer friendships. I think it is worth trying to make some new single friends so that you can do things with them or travel with them from time to time. Can you volunteer locally, with let’s say Age UK, or another charity? There is so much you can do for others in addition to pursuing interests that will help you make new social connections. I am lucky that I work for a company with quite a few social clubs and I have extensive network through my industry but I also work very hard to make sure I organise things with friends on a very regular basis.

Thank you for replying everyone. There has been some very helpful advice. I am quite surprised that there are others in the same or a similar position. I always feel like everyone else is surrounded by family. You are all inspirational in coping with this situation and have given me hope that I can build some sort of life for myself.

Still interested in hearing any more advice anyone else may have though. Thank you.

@Ginghamsheep

Yes, it's perfectly possible to have a great time.

I'm an only child, both parents died young, don't have any other family left.
Don't have (& in fact can't have) kids. Never married.

What I do have is lots of friends and hobbies and all the freedom in the world to indulge them. And to spend time with my friends' children if I want (and, equally importantly, not when I don't want!)

Sometimes have a partner, but although I'd like to find someone for a long term life commitment, I'd definitely rather be single than settle.

I'm mid 40s, and I'm still making new friends at hobby groups often, trying new things, meeting new people... It's really very fun, and having recently ended a long term relationship, I'm actually enjoying myself more single, because I'm out and doing things more, whereas he wanted to stay in more, so I was compromising for the relationship.

I would suggest thinking about things you'd love to do, and then getting out to do them. And if you can't think of anything you'd love to do, find some things that you think ah, it might be fun, and go try them. If you don't like it, try something else until you find one that sticks.

Social dance lessons (swing, blues, salsa, tango etc) are a great way to meet people, feel alive and happy, and also get some light physical contact in, so can do a lot for your happiness if you're feeling a bit down or lonely.

@WrylyAmused Ah that's lovely to hear that you are able to live so positively. Very inspiring, thank you!

I’m the same age as you and in a similar position, except my parents have already gone.

I’ve had horrible experiences with men so I’ve been single by choice for quite a few years now, and I can’t really see myself ever living with anyone again.

I’m an introvert and generally enjoy my own company, which helps. I volunteer for two causes I’m very passionate about which gives me a sense of purpose.

I do find it difficult to motivate myself to do things I enjoy doing, if that makes sense. Getting myself out for a countryside jaunt can be quite hard going whereas if I were with somebody else I’d have no trouble getting out the door. I enjoy it once I’m there though. I’d like to go on a solo holiday but haven’t felt brave enough to book it yet.

I really don’t think our happiness should be dependent on being in a relationship. I used to think mine was, which is why I put up with some awful things men did to me.

OP you’re only 38. Gosh don’t write yourself off yet! Life can and does change pretty quickly and unexpectedly. You could meet someone at any time and still end up having a child of your own, some women don’t have their first until their early 40’s. You could meet someone and become a step mum, you could make some new friends who become family. What about volunteering to give back some how? Giving is the best way to feel fulfilled.

Ultimately we are social beings and need connection for our mental and physical health. In your situation I would be focusing on finding a partner and adding in a few things in my life that I would find fulfilling and bring me joy.

Hello. I am 38. Not married, no parents or siblings, no kids. I am in a relationship but he works extremely long hours and I am not particularly close to his family. I have some cousins I am close to. I really enjoy my job and perhaps that's an area you could look at again, maybe taking another course or retraining? I know traditionally people say life shouldn't be all work but I have found that if you find the right job it can be really fulfilling. I also play piano, have a cat and I am an independent visitor visiting a child in care. I try and proactively maintain my friendships and I have regular therapy. I live in London. I will go to the cinema and theatre alone and take myself on a reading mini break! I have definitely had times where I am worried about the life ahead of me but I think that it's very much what you make of it. It's very much about your perspective on it rather than the objective facts. I know some very unhappy married people with families. Feel free to DM me if it helps.

Thank you again everyone! You are all making me feel a lot less alone in this situation.

@Hairydairyfair I will definitely drop you a DM tomorrow. Thank you.

You say you can't have children ?
Not prying into details but I had mine via ivf later in life and would have done so without a partner

Have you closed the door on this option too soon ?

The people I know in this position put a lot of effort and time into their friendships and have lots of hobbies that include big social functions like amateur dramatics and golf are some of the most sociable hobbies

Do you volunteer anywhere?
What about your work relationships?

Concentrating on what makes me happy would be the answer for me. Making sure you have good friendships. Hobbies. Training etc for work to get where you want to be. Holidays. I would adopt if I couldn’t have children. But it’s personal choice.

@pimplebum There isn't anything medically stopping me having children (as far as I am aware). It's more just that solo parenting would not be for me. What would happen if I were to die. My child would have no family. That would be awful for them, especially if they were not yet an adult. Thank you for your suggestions and advice though. Appreciate it.

Some Families bring a lot of aggravation. You are free of all that OP!

I have a narcissist elderly mother who irritates me regularly. I have an adult son with his own issues whom I rarely see and it’s often stressful when I do!

Look at the Relationships board which is full of problems with relationships and families - parents, siblings, children, in laws, and women often bear the brunt of them. Count your blessings - and freedom.

Of course if you have a great family or partner then that is a blessing - but many don’t.

Life is what you make it, as the saying goes. What gives it meaning is unique to everyone. If you find good people and relationships on the way, great. But best to focus on what brings you joy and meaning whatever that may be.

What about friends OP?

I'm 39, recently and unexpectedly separated with no children. My friends are my lifeline and the people I will (hopefully!) grow old with,

I work a boring office job

If you find your job boring, get rid of that first off. Try and find something you enjoy (even if lower pay).

I find this quite disingenuous to be honest. Yes some people may have awful families, but for majority of people, family, even slightly dysfunctional ones, provide you with a strong sense of identity, roots and stability.