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Original poster

DH blames me for secondary infertility

64 replies

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:42

DH and I have DD5 who is our world.

After having her I suffered from quite bad anxiety and I only really started to feel properly better when she turned four. DH is a great dad but the majority of all parenting fell to me which was great but also hard as we don't have much family support.

For all of DD's early years the thought of another DC made me feel panicky and completely overwhelmed it was just not something I could countenance at all.

DH wanted us to try for another when she was two but I didn't feel mentally stable. He isn't hugely understanding or compassionate about anything like that really I have tried to explain but he doesn't get it.

Now I would like another child. We have been trying for a year with no success. Near the start of trying he was desperate for another and suggested we get medical help but we hadn't been trying long and I didn't think we needed to, plus I was still a bit in two minds about everything.

Now as time has gone on I have a strong desire for a second child it's all I can think of. DH says we have left it too late and it's my fault and if it was down to him we would have had this all sorted ages ago. I'm 38 and he is 40.

I know he's probably right - but he doesn't understand my reasons for not trying back then, I genuinely wasn't stable enough to do so and didn't even want to. I am worried he will blame me forever and I already hate myself for waiting so long. I'm so sad about this.

I've had some tests which say I have a low AMH but should still be able to get pregnant naturally and DH has reluctantly agreed to go for a sperm analysis.

The hardest part of this is the guilt associated with only having one child- I feel it from society, I feel it myself for my daughter and my husband openly blames me as well. How do I overcome this?

OP posts:
adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 22:44

there is a 4 year gap between my oldest and her younger sister... we wanted a 2 year gap, but sadly it turned out, at the ripe old age of 32 my fertility had left me..

another 2 years and with medical intervention, i got my 2nd baby... the stress and anxiety it put on our relationship was immense.

have you given up trying now? are you well enough to try get pregnant with help?

Original poster
AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:46

DH wants to draw a line but I want to try until the end of the year. He's agreed to go and have the test done but says he wouldn't want to go through IVF so not sure what can be done really.

I think he will agree to keep trying for the rest of this year but it's putting a big strain on our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:47

Was the stress of the medical intervention worth it for you?

OP posts:
PamPamPamPam · 22/04/2024 22:50

Why do you want to bring another child into a dysfunctional relationship?

Original poster
AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:51

It's not dysfunctional - but TTC and fertility have put a strain on things.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2024 22:52

Why would you want to give another child with an arsehole?

Seriously. Stop.

Also, I know people tend to let it slide when it comes to wanting children, but obsessions that have become all you can think about (in this case even to the point you're planning another baby with, sorry, but, a jerk) then you shouldn't endulge them. You should seek mental and emotional support from a professional to get over them.

I'm not saying give up on kids. But put asside this dream for now. It's making you ill. And making you make awful decisions.

The bare minimum.a partner should be is compassionate.

This relationship IS dysfunctional.

Shinyeyes · 22/04/2024 22:53

"He wouldn't want to go through IVF"? Does he understand how it works?

EverybodyLTB · 22/04/2024 22:54

He sounds unpleasant

DaniMontyRae · 22/04/2024 22:55

Your husband is being a dick towards you for secondary infertility (which is absolutely not your fault) rather than examine his own role in putting you off having a second child. Of course this is dysfunctional.

Channellingsophistication · 22/04/2024 22:56

He is not being very understanding or supportive is he? It doesn’t matter what your reasons were for not wanting a second baby earlier, you weren’t ready. That’s it. You are the one that has to carry the baby after all.

Also how can he be a great dad when most of the parenting fell to you..

PamPamPamPam · 22/04/2024 22:56

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:51

It's not dysfunctional - but TTC and fertility have put a strain on things.

He leaves the majority of the parenting to you, even during periods when you were struggling.

He has no care or compassion for your emotional needs.

He blames you and berates you for choosing to prioritise your health over his desire to have a child during a period when you were struggling and he still left you to deal with the majority of the parenting of your child.

You have a dysfunctional relationship.

Original poster
AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:56

Just reading the words of someone saying that it's not my fault has made me cry.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 22/04/2024 22:58

You've got to marvel at the gall of some men. Ever so keen for another DC, where the mother is left doing the majority. Yea, its so easy for them to want something when they see that it won't require much personal effort on their part.
Maybe if he'd been more proactive as a father the first time around, you might have felt you could cope with another sooner? So is it your fault that you havent yet provided him with another DC for you to nurture, while he sits back and enjoys the good bits rather than the hard graft, or is it somewhat down to him?

KatyaKabanova · 22/04/2024 22:59

No, @PamPamPamPam is right. It's dysfunctional. Read through your post again. It's all in there.
He wasn't supportive when you had mental health problems and you did most of the parenting?
How is a second child going to help?.

Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2024 23:00

Its absolutely no your fault op. You have the right to your feelings.

It wasn't right for you then.
That doesn't mean you don't deserve it now.

Amd I hope you see how he's actually a very cruel person to say otherwise. Couldn't give a fuck if its cause he wants another kid, there's no excuse for him to talk to you that way.

You deserve a happy life with nice people in it.
I wouldn't tie myself to him with another baby.

KatyaKabanova · 22/04/2024 23:01

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:56

Just reading the words of someone saying that it's not my fault has made me cry.

I think you need to get help.
This isn't a healthy environment to bring a second child into, you may get anxious again and have to look after two children.

AutumnFroglets · 22/04/2024 23:02

DH is a great dad but the majority of all parenting fell to me
Being a great dad involves parenting so your sentence is not true. Think about that. A Disney, play dad is not a real dad, he's just pretending to be one.

I also think his lack of parenting contributed hugely to your anxiety. Do not underestimate how much a lack of support, especially after having a baby, affects a your sense of stability, self esteem and confidence. Will he have your back with the second baby or will you spiral into panic because he won't be supportive in parenting again?

You really need a great partner as well as a great dad (a real one). Do you have either?

EDIT - wow, I hadn't read anyone else's posts when I made mine and yet we are almost unanimous - it's him, not you Flowers

RedToothBrush · 22/04/2024 23:03

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:56

Just reading the words of someone saying that it's not my fault has made me cry.

Do you not think the pressure he is putting on you trying to conceive is probably not helping you conceive!?

Stress is a factor in unexplained infertility.

Being a wanker to you might well BE the problem here.

Original poster
AngryDH · 22/04/2024 23:04

@KatyaKabanova this was my main reason for sticking with one for so long - I was terrified to go back to where I had been and my main priority has always been to be the best mother I can be to our daughter. The reason I couldn't TTC before was because even the thought triggered panic and anxiety. I don't feel that way now and for nations reasons think I will be able to manage and cope much better. I just wish I had realised sooner.

OP posts:
JungleJimmy · 22/04/2024 23:05

The desire to have a child can sometimes feel so strong that it blurs the reality of actually having one.

It's taken you four years to get over the anxiety issues raised by having DC1 and you say your H was no help with this.

Have you had therapy?

Are you certain that overwhelming anxiety won't come back again? And if so why? What will be different this time?

Say the same thing happens with DC2 (if you do conceive) you now have a baby, a school aged child, an anxiety issue that will take you four years to overcome, an unhelpful H and the potential additional issues of having a baby later in life and being (medically) a "geriatric mother".

Step outside of the "I want a baby" bubble where it will all be fine, and look at the reality of the situation; is a second child the best thing for your marriage and your existing child?

Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2024 23:08

Is it possible you want another child to dote on because - they give love back? And he's making you feel so unloved atm that you feel that's the best option? That you're craving that...bond of trust and love.

The thing is though...having kids with the wrong man...leave you feeling anxious, lonely, exhausted etc... another child isn't going to make you feel better in that scenario. It's going to make everything twice as hard.

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 23:14

Pinkbonbon · 22/04/2024 22:52

Why would you want to give another child with an arsehole?

Seriously. Stop.

Also, I know people tend to let it slide when it comes to wanting children, but obsessions that have become all you can think about (in this case even to the point you're planning another baby with, sorry, but, a jerk) then you shouldn't endulge them. You should seek mental and emotional support from a professional to get over them.

I'm not saying give up on kids. But put asside this dream for now. It's making you ill. And making you make awful decisions.

The bare minimum.a partner should be is compassionate.

This relationship IS dysfunctional.

Edited

Well said 👏👏

OP he sounds awful. I would t be having another baby with someone like that. I can’t believe how unsympathetic he is ti you and the fact he’s ’blaming’ you is beyond ridiculous.

Opentooffers · 22/04/2024 23:18

Bit of an odd turn of phrase " draw a line" or "try till the end of the year". What then? What happens at the end of the year? What is trying to you as opposed to not?
Are you saying the only reason you'd have regular sex is to get pregnant, otherwise neither of you would bother? That's dysfunctional if so.
Otherwise, stop the 'trying' maybe, and just have sex when you feel horny and want to, which coincidentally, may well be around the time you ovulate. People sometimes acheive pregnancy by doing what comes naturally and not preventing, rather than trying so hard. If he's saying he's going to enforce contraception at the end of the year, that would be weird and unreasonable under the circumstances.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/04/2024 23:23

I'm sorry but he's full of crap.

He doesn't really want s second child because if he did he woukd be getting his semen analysis and exploring all options. That's what people desperate to have a child do.

Instead he wants to blame you. He could consider all his options but nope, he is happier to blame you and make you feel shit.

Infertility is no one's fault. No one can cause or control it. It's just one of those shitty unfair things in life.

I wouldn't want a second child with him, given his he treats you.

VerityUnreasonble · 22/04/2024 23:24

I mean honestly, he is a massive knob. He hasn't been understanding at all about your anxiety, he's put pressure on you which will only make things worse. He's fucking about changing the goal posts and is blaming you for stuff which isn't in any way your fault.

Taking over a year to conceive isn't even that unusual (think the stats are about 1/20?) we only start looking for issues earlier when people are 35+ because if there are problems it gives more time to sort them.