DH blames me for secondary infertility

[AngryDH]

DH and I have DD5 who is our world.

After having her I suffered from quite bad anxiety and I only really started to feel properly better when she turned four. DH is a great dad but the majority of all parenting fell to me which was great but also hard as we don't have much family support.

For all of DD's early years the thought of another DC made me feel panicky and completely overwhelmed it was just not something I could countenance at all.

DH wanted us to try for another when she was two but I didn't feel mentally stable. He isn't hugely understanding or compassionate about anything like that really I have tried to explain but he doesn't get it.

Now I would like another child. We have been trying for a year with no success. Near the start of trying he was desperate for another and suggested we get medical help but we hadn't been trying long and I didn't think we needed to, plus I was still a bit in two minds about everything.

Now as time has gone on I have a strong desire for a second child it's all I can think of. DH says we have left it too late and it's my fault and if it was down to him we would have had this all sorted ages ago. I'm 38 and he is 40.

I know he's probably right - but he doesn't understand my reasons for not trying back then, I genuinely wasn't stable enough to do so and didn't even want to. I am worried he will blame me forever and I already hate myself for waiting so long. I'm so sad about this.

I've had some tests which say I have a low AMH but should still be able to get pregnant naturally and DH has reluctantly agreed to go for a sperm analysis.

The hardest part of this is the guilt associated with only having one child- I feel it from society, I feel it myself for my daughter and my husband openly blames me as well. How do I overcome this?

He doesn't sound like a great dad. But if you really want another child, you need to focus on that. Temperature taking, ovulator predictor kits and timing. I was in a similar position but my husband was a great dad and didn't blame me for choosing to delay. We were going to have four years before having a second but my gynaecologist made it quite plain that I was risking not being able to have another one. I took three months to get pregnant at 37 with my husband being 40 and I was already seeing another fertility specialist at that point. I had some sort of dodgy egg release mechanism and he thought I needed clomid as a first step to get those eggs just whistling down the fallopian tubes. I didn't actually need it in the end but he made it plain that with my age against me, I shouldn't be mucking around. I suggest you see a specialist as soon as possible. It may just be a little thing that needs adjusting. Your husband doesn't sound nice though.

For what it's worth, my parents only managed to have one child and that was like a miracle for my mother who thought she would never be able to have a child. I was very much loved as an only child and got opportunities I otherwise wouldn't have got.

@GreyTonkinese why would you encourage OP to have another child with this man. Why inflict this ‘great dad’ on another child?

Not your fault. If your husband hadn't been such a lazy chauvinist and a bully, you would doubtless have recovered and felt ready sooner. He's not a "great dad" - he leaves all the parenting to you! Even though you really needed support for his you were feeling, but he just ignored that.

Then he badgered you to have more even though you clearly weren't ready. I bet he wasn't planning to do any more childcare second time round either. And now because you haven't got pregnant to his agenda he's berating and blaming you - lovely! Did he realise you're a human being and not just a brood mare?

Oh and he doesn't want to "go through" IVF. Does he realise 99% of it would be "gone through" by you. I expect that only his 1% is what matters to him though. Sexist selfish man.

I started trying for my second child age 35. She finally arrived a few days before my 40th. I hope you get your wish though what I've said above still stands.

He is a terrible husband and father, in what way did he support you, in what way are you a team.

He wants, but expected you to deal with the second child, he blames you...

God I would be happy with your one child in a flat away from him...

You were absolutely right to put off TTC in these circumstances. It wouldn't have been a good decision for you, for your daughter, or for your second baby. You knew that - you were right to trust your instincts. Don't second guess that decision now, and don't blame yourself for doing the best thing back then, even if you now feel regret at the current difficulties of conceiving a second child. None of that sadness now invalidates your earlier decision. Your DH sounds, at best, short-sighted and selfish.

froma slightly different perspective I was an only child because (and this is me understanding as an adult) my mum for various reasons knew she would not be able to cope with two, mental health support reasons etc and instead made sure she gave me the childhood I needed and deserved and now as an adult we have talked and I respect and understand her decision.
she has also been an amazing grandmother and has helped and supported me with 2. She doesn’t regret her decision and neither do I you dont Miss what you have never had

He's being unkind. It's not unusual to take over a year at 38.

How is he a good dad? You say he leaves the majority of the parenting to you.

And he certainly isn't a good husband. Leaves the parenting to his wife. Doesn't support her MH issues. Likes to cast blame and make her feel bad.

This is not a good man.

Going from 1-2 is hard. When DC2 was a baby their dad had to take over a lot of looking after DC1. Is your DH likely to step up and do this after being a hands off parent for so long? Do you think your mental health can cope with parenting two children with the level of support he's shown in the past?

None of this is your fault OP.

Social pressure to have a second is absolutely no reason to have a second! Society does not exactly step in and help with the parenting, does it? Having children is at heart a selfish and self-indulgent act, whatever society might imply about the "selfishness" of childless people.

So the feeling of social obligation can go fuck itself. You need instead to focus very clearly on what is right for you, in the circumstances you find yourself in, with the husband you actually have. The husband who apparently ignores your reality when its inconvenient for him.

This X 100.

It's not your fault.

If we are to ascribe 'fault' maybe the parent who couldn't/wouldn't/didn't step up when his spouse was suffering with anxiety should bear some of that? Maybe he should exercise some introspection to understand that not everything is about him, especially when his body has the absolute bare minimum to do when it comes to having a baby?

Seriously OP I'm sure he would just describe himself as a stiff upper lip type, pragmatic not emotional - but he just sounds horrible to me.

Your husband isn't the right man to have another child with.
Sorry for being harsh.
Twat.

It is not your fault! You would be a bloody fool to try for a baby when not mentally stable, what a mad thing to do. You put your existing child first, which is the mark of a good parent.

His sperm might equally turn out to be not up to par - there's absolutely no reason to think it's your eggs. Fertility issues are evenly split between men and women. Either way though, it's nobody's fault.