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Original poster

DH blames me for secondary infertility

64 replies

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:42

DH and I have DD5 who is our world.

After having her I suffered from quite bad anxiety and I only really started to feel properly better when she turned four. DH is a great dad but the majority of all parenting fell to me which was great but also hard as we don't have much family support.

For all of DD's early years the thought of another DC made me feel panicky and completely overwhelmed it was just not something I could countenance at all.

DH wanted us to try for another when she was two but I didn't feel mentally stable. He isn't hugely understanding or compassionate about anything like that really I have tried to explain but he doesn't get it.

Now I would like another child. We have been trying for a year with no success. Near the start of trying he was desperate for another and suggested we get medical help but we hadn't been trying long and I didn't think we needed to, plus I was still a bit in two minds about everything.

Now as time has gone on I have a strong desire for a second child it's all I can think of. DH says we have left it too late and it's my fault and if it was down to him we would have had this all sorted ages ago. I'm 38 and he is 40.

I know he's probably right - but he doesn't understand my reasons for not trying back then, I genuinely wasn't stable enough to do so and didn't even want to. I am worried he will blame me forever and I already hate myself for waiting so long. I'm so sad about this.

I've had some tests which say I have a low AMH but should still be able to get pregnant naturally and DH has reluctantly agreed to go for a sperm analysis.

The hardest part of this is the guilt associated with only having one child- I feel it from society, I feel it myself for my daughter and my husband openly blames me as well. How do I overcome this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2024 00:04

I don't think you've allowed yourself to admit how abusive and cruel your husband has been. The way he has treated and blamed you is absolutely reprehensible.

I would seriously rethink having another child with this man, as well as staying with him.

Branleuse · 23/04/2024 00:14

Your husband is really unkind and mean to you

busybeebusymee · 23/04/2024 00:23

He's big a 'D' anything- he's a controlling bully.

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 00:26

I know he's probably right - but he doesn't understand my reasons for not trying back then
it’s not ‘reasons’, it’s his fault. You need to say calmly the reason I couldn’t try earlier is I didn’t have a supportive husband who actively supported me or cared for our child. If I had I would have coped. You can’t go back and change that but your actions is 100% on you. You could have come home and helped. You could have thought about me. You could have parented, voluntarily. You could have thought about our baby. You could have taken them for walks, you could have bathed them. (Or whatever applies). You didn’t, and now you’re mad at me. You were shit and you need to own that. I couldn’t have managed two young dc and an unhelpful husband.

athingofbeauty · 23/04/2024 00:42

Ouch. Speaking as one who had to have help to get pregnant at 27 and every time in between till my second was born when I was 38, let me start by urging you AND your husband:

Do not hold each other too much to blame for how you behave under stress now. Infertility is very tough. People tend to act uncharacteristically under stress, and as long as it's not actively abusive, try to forgive. (As long as it IS uncharacteristic and not something that pervades every other aspect of your life together.)

Also, it actually is true (well it was true of my DH) that men seem especially neurotic when their "potency" is called into question, as if infertility and impotence were at all the same thing. As it happens, I was the one with the medical issues, and even if I hadn't been, I would still have been the one who would have had to do most of the work of treatment with things like IVF, but it was my DH who lost it totally when he had to provide a sperm sample... LOL.

All that said: it doesn't sound to me as if there's too much to despair of in your case anyway. Yes, it takes longer to get pregnant at your age than earlier. It doesn't mean it won't happen. If it doubt, ask your GP if some tests can be run. And do not blame yourself, no matter what. As you and other PP rightly say, there are plenty of logical reasons around when we try and when we don't try to get pregnant. The decision isn't just about medical fertility.

Nat6999 · 23/04/2024 00:49

I had secondary infertility after having ds age 37, I had all the tests & even took fertility drugs but nothing happened. I split from my husband & was pregnant within 3 months with my new partner without trying at 44, sadly I lost her at 16 weeks but don't give up hope, maybe try & not consciously think about trying, stop watching the calendar, keep busy doing other things & it can happen, they haven't said that you can't get pregnant, just it will take longer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2024 01:05

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 00:26

I know he's probably right - but he doesn't understand my reasons for not trying back then
it’s not ‘reasons’, it’s his fault. You need to say calmly the reason I couldn’t try earlier is I didn’t have a supportive husband who actively supported me or cared for our child. If I had I would have coped. You can’t go back and change that but your actions is 100% on you. You could have come home and helped. You could have thought about me. You could have parented, voluntarily. You could have thought about our baby. You could have taken them for walks, you could have bathed them. (Or whatever applies). You didn’t, and now you’re mad at me. You were shit and you need to own that. I couldn’t have managed two young dc and an unhelpful husband.

This. You need to put the responsibility back on him. He was shit, and is saying shit things now. Of course the person who does none of the hard work and has all the fun wants to do it again immediately. Like duuuurrrr. I've have 3 if someone else did all the shitwork.

GrumpyPanda · 23/04/2024 01:14

How is he "a great dad" if he's barely parenting his own child? You must be aware he'll be worse than useless with another.

Runnerinthenight · 23/04/2024 01:14

Maybe fertility/ttc has turned him into an arse, or maybe he always was one. He can't expect you to want to have another baby when he doesn't do his fair share with the child you already have.

He's reluctant to have a sperm analysis but he's happy for you to go through another pregnancy and birth, and potentially treatment to get there - he's a fucking joke!

You need to rethink his role in your relationship before you have another baby with him. Trust me, he is likely to be worse rather than better, and you will be left holding the babies!

LifeExperience · 23/04/2024 01:18

He's not a great dad. A great dad would have seen his wife panicking and struggling and would have HELPED HER! That's what a good dad, not to say any decent human being, would have done.

He's a shit dad and a shit husband. He's immature, selfish, avoids responsibility and blames you for something you have no control over. OF COURSE secondary infertility isn't your fault, and he's a gold-plated twat for saying it is.

crumblingschools · 23/04/2024 01:24

What’s your definition of a great dad, because I think your bar is very low? A great dad also supports the mum.

SheilaFentiman · 23/04/2024 01:25

100% not your fault, OP. He is an arse.

TheSandgroper · 23/04/2024 01:30

Don’t let him wriggle out of a fertility test, no matter what you decide to do. He will always consider himself perfect and use it as a stick to beat you with.

Except, he might have the problem.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 23/04/2024 01:40

You have struggled for years with your mental health. He hasn't supported you, hasn't stepped up. Likelihood is if you have a second child he won't again.

He's blaming you because you haven't got pregnant even though medically you are fine and infertility is not a blame game. No one intentionally becomes infertile. If it turns out he has a lower sperm count and dd was a fluke will you blame him?

I'd be grateful you are not further tied to this man who has so little regard for you . I'd be thinking about whether he deserves to stay in your family.

Delawear · 23/04/2024 01:47

Please if you can afford to, find a qualified counsellor for some support 💐

PoppingTomorrow · 23/04/2024 03:49

Agree with all the above plus - he's only just now reluctantly agreeing to sperms analysis? If he was serious about another child he could have done that independently years ago.

He's deflecting massively.

marmite2023 · 23/04/2024 05:20

I have low AMH and Clomid worked for me. It’s extremely cheap - £17 for a packet! worth speaking to a fertility clinic about it. It’s just pills you take for a week from the first day of your period, so it’s low intervention.

AppleCrumbleTea · 23/04/2024 05:35

Haven’t read the replies. Just wanted to say I understand how heartbreaking secondary infertility is, you were right to wait till you felt stronger however.

chopc · 23/04/2024 05:55

What fid DH do to help you through your anxiety? Is he going to be there for you should you have a relapse? I think you need to re evaluate your relationship

WhiteLeopard · 23/04/2024 06:00

He needs to take some responsibility for the situation. You weren't ready to try earlier because you were struggling. And the reason you were struggling was because he left nearly all the parenting to you! Does he not realise that his actions have had consequences?

Why does he want to stop trying now? Is he worried about a big age gap, or is he just no longer as keen to have a baby as he was before?

ChocolateLemons · 23/04/2024 06:02

You have 100% done the right thing. You have recognised where you're at and the struggle you've had doing the majority of the parenting, and you've waited until you're ready - looking after your daughter and yourself. It's a mature and well thought out decision.
It's never okay to blame someone for infertility - and with your husband's case he really should have recognised that doing more would have reduced the anxiety you felt.
Incidentally it's so common to experience stress and anxiety in the early years - it sounds like you've done amazing pushing through and being a great parent to your dd.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 23/04/2024 06:04

DH is a great dad but the majority of all parenting fell to me
In what way was he a great dad? And I want you to consider whether that would make him a great mum

CrispieCake · 23/04/2024 06:15

I would tell him that he may blame you but you blame him. Had he supported you and done his fair share of parenting when you needed him to, things might have turned out quite differently. I would tell him that if he is serious about having a second child, he should take some time to reflect on his attitudes and behaviour so that he can be a better husband and father going forward than he has been to date.

Are you sure you want another child with this man, OP?

PineappleTime · 23/04/2024 06:21

AngryDH · 22/04/2024 22:51

It's not dysfunctional - but TTC and fertility have put a strain on things.

Of course it is. He's lazy, entitled and horrible. He was lazy and entitled before you were TTC. Don't do it. Having one child is fine.

ijustneedtokeepbreathing · 23/04/2024 07:58

Op, your husband sounds very unkind. Absolutely not your fault!!

And why has all the parenting fallen to you?