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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It’s another ED one

64 replies

Getitgirl · 22/04/2024 22:22

Dating a 35 y/o man for a few months. Strong start - he’s good looking plus a total gent to me and we started out as friends. Met him in my gym so all fit and healthy etc. likes a drink but nothing excessive.

but when we go to do the deed he loses his erection mid way through - sometimes during foreplay. To date he has never had an o* with me. He said it’s because he’s overthinking/ cares so much and wants to work on it. Of course we can and do do other things. But I’ll be honest, I find this a bit unusual and it’s actually hurting my self esteem, despite knowing this isn’t really to do with me.

he had a bereavement 4 months ago and I do wonder if this is playing a part. I asked if he was concerned about an unwanted pregnancy which he vehemently denied. I have been reassuring.

im only 35 myself and have been in relationships where the sex was sub par. I don’t want to go down that road again. and no, I don’t want to suggest blue tabs to a healthy 35 year old but I do feel like a birch for getting turned off by this.

any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:

BirthdayRainbow · 22/04/2024 22:23

You can write orgasm.

I maybe would consider giving it a few more weeks if I seriously thought he was the one but otherwise no.

something2say · 22/04/2024 22:26

I'd vote no, sadly. I wasted five years on a man who had performance issues but wouldn't discuss it or seek help. In the end, I left him and I was VERY thirsty and made a poor decision with the next man. I'll never let myself starve to that extent ever again. I think this is showing you who he is - I'd bail now. I'm so sorry.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2024 22:29

No offense op but there's not a doubt in my mind if the situation was reversed and you had vaginismus or something that he would be gone.

Unless he's willing to discuss with doctor soon I would end it and just be good friends.

category12 · 22/04/2024 22:29

Yeah, I think I'd be worried that this is actually his normal. That this might be as good as it gets.

PIV is important to me so I'd be out.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 22/04/2024 22:30

something2say · 22/04/2024 22:26

I think it's the refusing to do anything that is the worst part. Like 'my ego is more important than your sexual needs'

Original poster

Getitgirl · 22/04/2024 22:32

sadly this is rather confirming what my gut is saying. I wonder how common this is.

i also think he’s a wonderful man and I wouldn’t want to leave his esteem in tatters if this becomes a dealbreaker. Which I suspect it might be.

OP posts:

shivermetimbers77 · 22/04/2024 22:33

I think he sounds like a decent guy and he has said he wants to work on it.. I think if you like him and the relationship is strong in other areas then maybe give it some time to see if it improves as he settles into the relationship and if not then see if he will see his GP or even a psychosexual therapist.

something2say · 22/04/2024 22:35

Draw back then; check your emotions and when you next see him, see how the sex is that time, and if it carries on the same and settles into a pattern of 'we do other things and that's OK' I'd let it fade....

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2024 22:41

You've already invested months, op, it's not going to get better and it's not going to get easier to break up with him. Bottom line, regardless of how nice he is, is that you're not sexually compatible. That's a huge, huge deal. You're not running a charity for men with ED, so I would be ending this right away so you can both move on.

Opentooffers · 22/04/2024 22:45

How much of a gym bunny is he? Any chance of steroid use? Seems odd in someone his age, unless his living isn't as clean as you would hope it was.

Vegandiva · 22/04/2024 22:51

i would bet dollars to donuts it’s related to use of pornography, especially given his age and otherwise good health. did you ask him about that, @Getitgirl?

BlessedKali · 22/04/2024 22:54

Could he be gay? Could he be a porn addict?

BlessedKali · 22/04/2024 22:55

I would find this an absolute turn off

BlessedKali · 22/04/2024 22:56

life's too short.

Original poster

Getitgirl · 22/04/2024 22:56

@Vegandiva i did not

pretty confident he doesn’t dope either. He’s far too lean.

OP posts:

Vegandiva · 22/04/2024 23:06

@Getitgirl i think 9 times out of 10 with younger men who can’t get it up / keep it up / finish the job that’s the reason. i would just move on if i were you, as others have said. total turn off.

Original poster

Getitgirl · 22/04/2024 23:48

@Vegandiva genuinely interested whether there is evidence to back this or just a hunch you have? I’m not disagreeing btw, I just can’t find anything out there to suggest ED is linked with porn use yet I see this being mentioned a lot elsewhere

OP posts:

Vegandiva · 23/04/2024 00:48

@Getitgirl common sense, personal experience and reading about other women’s experiences i would trust more than googling, since men want to keep their porn so aren’t going to be doing studies to prove that it’s wrecking their sex lives and relationships 🙂

dontcryformeargentina · 23/04/2024 01:15

Getitgirl · 22/04/2024 23:48

Google PIED ( porn induced erectile dysfunction). Very common among 22- 40

Vegandiva · 23/04/2024 01:28

This is from a website to help users (who i assume are mostly men) stop using porn:

https://nofap.com/porn-addiction/

Brumhilda · 23/04/2024 04:28

At 35 he should be pole vaulting down the street.

There’s another problem. Drugs, closet gay….. ?

something isn’t right.

Kalettesarethebest · 23/04/2024 04:37

I also think pornography use and that maybe 'death grip' might be the issue. He's used to sorting himself out frequently.

Spratt · 23/04/2024 04:44

Agree with others, I would ask him if he is staying hard and finishing when watching porn. The only other possibility is that he is gay and in the closet.

anywherehollie · 23/04/2024 05:20

Porn

Swallowdoubleandrunamile · 23/04/2024 06:00

Another voice advising you to leave OP.
I've just ended things with a guy with similar issues (although mine is older)
After only a few months the sex had become frustrating for me and he had no intention of dealing with it. He could only finish in a particular way which was not for me.
I'd rather go without tbh than not have the whole PIV experience.
Don't waste your time.

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