It’s another ED one

[Getitgirl]

Dating a 35 y/o man for a few months. Strong start - he’s good looking plus a total gent to me and we started out as friends. Met him in my gym so all fit and healthy etc. likes a drink but nothing excessive.

but when we go to do the deed he loses his erection mid way through - sometimes during foreplay. To date he has never had an o* with me. He said it’s because he’s overthinking/ cares so much and wants to work on it. Of course we can and do do other things. But I’ll be honest, I find this a bit unusual and it’s actually hurting my self esteem, despite knowing this isn’t really to do with me.

he had a bereavement 4 months ago and I do wonder if this is playing a part. I asked if he was concerned about an unwanted pregnancy which he vehemently denied. I have been reassuring.

im only 35 myself and have been in relationships where the sex was sub par. I don’t want to go down that road again. and no, I don’t want to suggest blue tabs to a healthy 35 year old but I do feel like a birch for getting turned off by this.

any advice would be welcome.

You're not response for his self esteem.

Try dating in your mid forties… Almost impossible to find a man with a working penis, at least in my experience. I just broke up with a man who was also lovely but we never had actual PIV sex in the 3/4 months we were together. There were other reasons, it wasn’t just that but I realised that it is important to me and that I really want that intimacy that you get from piv.

Whatever the reason for your guy’s problems, it isn’t going to change any time soon. Just give him a different reason for breaking up. I told my guy that we were just ‘different people’ and left it at that.

I like what a previous poster said that you aren’t running a service for men with ED. You aren’t. You owe nothing to this man and you deserve to keep looking for what you want and need. I felt bad also but I am free to keep looking for what is right for me.

I feel like I’ve had a run of bad penis luck! This chap has ED, the last one was 28 and got.. too excited. The man I dated prior to him had genital herpes so we’d go for several weeks inbetween sessions.

Surely I’m due some good cock karma soon?!

Everyone deserves a bit of good cock karma! 😂

You definitely are girl! Your time has come!

@Rania78 or not! 🤣🤣🤣

Yes you definitely need some good cockma!

It doesn’t get better. If he was 55 I’d say he’s a pharmacist from Liverpool and it never got better. But I see he’s a bit younger so it’s not him.

anyway, bail.

Darling there are many men out there. I am with a 50 year old (I am 46). He gets it up in about 1min, lasts long and we do it at least twice every time we meet.
Now, a healthy 35 yo should be able to do at least that.
You are not a curator for ED. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings (I wouldn’t want that either, but at the same time I would take care of myself) then just give it a go for one more month to see If sth changes but do not discuss the matter at all. Then find an excuse to leave him. Life is short and sex is one of the most amazing things in life. You are only 35. Make sure you experience it.

@Rania78 trust me, I know what good sex is like. I know it’s important/possible.

i was just confused why this particular person would appear to have such difficulties aged 35. It’s totally gutting!

It is indeed.

I do know one case where the guy had performance issues at a relatively young age. He went to a psychologist and the matter proved to be purely psychological .

Actually have a positive story to share.

Same thing, couldn't maintain during sex or if he could, couldn't get to orgasm. I read about the death grip on here, had an honest conversation with him about stopping masturbation and porn for a few weeks to see if it improved.

It did, we've been married 5 years and genuinely not had the problem in all those years since. Sex is very, very good too!

However, it takes a bloke being able to recognise the problem and change his behaviour.

My new man was 23. Was an issue. Still an issue at 51. Heart attack in between.

Divorcing him. Irony is he had an affair.

So many other issues but I 100% wish I'd never been with him.

Could it be psychological, or is he on any meds for blood pressure, heart problems, diabetes? Why does everyone always assume it's either porn or their a wrong un.

I think it's time you had an honest conversation, would he be open to talking to his doc and seeing what they say about it.

@BirthdayRainbow Did i read that right? So you stayed with him for almost 30 years of gummy worm sex? 😱 well congrats on your freedom regardless!

Me too. Was a combination of anti depressants, fear of getting someone pregnant, and too much porn. Almost exactly the same age. You need to have the discussion away from the bedroom OP to get it sorted.

Once it was in the open and the relationship got stronger, the problem went away 😉

You need to have an honest conversation with him. Don't address it as his issue to fix, try to frame it as something that you both need to work on. Be matter of fact (as you would if you were saying that there were no decent films on at the cinema should you look at a different one), and his ego will either implode in which case it's goodbye due to communication issues rather than ED issues, or he will be able to talk openly about it and you can see what happens. At 34 if he's pretty fit and healthy the issue is likely to be between his ears rather than his legs, so work stress etc and ironically performance anxiety when it sets in can be a bit of a vicious cycle.
Have a chat, if you can't have open communication about sex you can't expect it to be any good, and he will either do a runner or lean in and make moves to change things.

No idea why gummy worm sex is and not a helpful or supportive comment tbh. I had a lot to deal with.

But thank you for being pleased at my freedom. I didn't leave him over shit shit sex though😢.

Does he get hard at other times, like first thing in the morning? If he does it's psychological. If not he should see a GP. I wouldn't bin him yet, if he's willing to get help or give it slightly longer to get his confidence? Just be really open with him, if he's a nice guy it's not worth throwing in the towel just yet.

ED can be caused by all sorts of things: anxiety, depression, medication, porn, shame, childhood abuse, etc. You could probably work it out with him given enough time. Depends how much you like him, I guess. Is he worth waiting for? Obviously if he refuses to accept something's wrong, and won't seek help, then break up. But if you have it out with him, and he says he will seek help, you need to decide if he's worth the wait.

No, you don't have to stay. You're not obliged to be his psychosexual counsellor. However, if he's a nice guy, you do have a duty to be kind and let him down gently – maybe use something else as an excuse for breaking up.

@Topjoe19 yeh, I mean we can dtd. But it just doesn’t reach its normal conclusion…

This happened to me twice in my 20's, with two men in their 20s one after another. Both resolved after a few weeks, both caused by anxiety but they relaxed. It was before internet porn so that was definitely not the issue. I do think it's common, even with young men. Thank god my current partner (aged 52) has absolutely no issues that way. After a few months I would really be concerned, yes a deal breaker for me if nothing changed

But to add to my post above - my current partner of 2.5 years says he did experience ED before me for a while, maybe
anxiety, and viagra did massively help. He still uses it with me at times, just for a boost, but tbh I can't tell if he has or hasnt

I think we ALL know what gummy worm sex is.

I've never heard the phrase. I don't know what it means. I'm hazarding a guess. Either way not a necessary comment.