Old fashioned heartbreak

[lollipoppp]

Please hit me with all your positive stories of how you got over the heartbreak you never thought you'd get over.

I am struggling really, really bad.

Not over it yet (early days), but keeping busy. Saying yes to invitations & decorating. It's getting easier as the weeks go by.
Hope you feel better soon 💐

Full no contact. Total eradication of any trace of them. All mutual friends gone and his family. The whole lot erased. New phone number, new home, new life. It’s like he never existed.

I'm 4 wks in and it is getting easier but I keep having firsts which cause me to wobble.

Keep busy and get rid of everything connected to your ex!

Happy to PM me as support x

Removing him from my life and home eg getting rid of everything associated with him - all the music, cards, gifts (including clothes and jewellery). Destroying all photos with him in and also those of days out & holidays. It's painful but it's better not to have any reminders and it feels good to take action.

Being busy - too busy to think about him. Doing things he didn't like doing eg visiting art galleries and NOT doing things we did together eg theatre until I could do it without feeling upset or even just sad.

This was before social media so if it were now, I'd remove him from all online presence.

Hang in there, it becomes easier. 💐

Thanks all. It's hard to move on as I'm having to see him every day (we work together!!). We were together 6 years so I know I can move on like I have done in past relationships, but just really struggling. It wasn't a break up I wanted. Already looking at other jobs but don't want to make a knee jerk decision and regardless I have a 3 month notice period.

I have deleted his number but it's pointless because we're in a work whatsapp group which he's in so his number is always there. It's been 2 weeks now and I feel it's getting worse. I want to block his number, more for me so every time my phone goes off I don't think it's him, but the other part of me thinks what if he comes back.... I know it's not healthy.

Christ, it hurts.

@lollipoppp gosh yes working together must be so challenging. Honestly that is tough. A crazy thought but could you go off dick for a few weeks with stress? Not sure if that would help or not?
I'm in a group WhatsApp too but know I should leave but that makes me sad I'll miss out and why should I.
My sleep has been awful these last 4 weeks. I wake up so early and the first thing I think about is him!

Six years and having to work together is really hard, I’m sorry.

Do you want to say why you broke up? If not, you could always write a list of the negatives and read it every time you have a wobble.

Time and total no contact for me, but I understand you can’t do that right now. A new job might be a good idea but take time to decide x

That is the best typo I’ve ever read and I laughed out loud, sorry OP.

Going off dick will definitely help though 😂

@Orchidlie22 I don't think so cos I worry I'll just sit at home and think about it, which is what I've been doing when I get in from work. At least when I'm at work, I am thinking about it and dreading seeing him, but some times I am distracted with clients etc. Yep I think of him first thing when I wake up, and last thing at night.

@DrunkenElephant I've tried the lists in my note section on my phone and it's very short!! I wish I could say he cheated or was an arsehole or something.... he doesn't want children and I do. He did the honourable thing, which makes it worse, and said he won't take the chance away from me. He already has his own from a previous relationship. But it's also like something has changed in him over night. I imagine it's just his way of coping, but he's so professional and light hearted at work with me (like he is with others) whereas I'm a mess inside. Trying not to make it awkward for others although no one in my team actually knows yet, as I can't face the conversation.

@DrunkenElephant omg I can't believe I wrote that!!!!

I’m not surprised you’re feeling so low, it’s heartbreaking when you love someone but want such different things from life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It is something neither of you can compromise on, and I hope in time it will get easier for you and you can see that he has done you a kindness. Have you got some real life support?

You’ve absolutely made my evening, thank you! 😂😂

@lollipoppp what do you do for work? Do you always see him everyday?

I think looking for a new job would be a good idea but put a positive spin on it. New job, more money etc etc.

I couldn't tell people the first week as I'd just cry on them but now I can tell people without crying.

It's so tough, wish there was heartbreak medicine!

Solidarity. It's absolutely shit.
I know this sounds absolutely batshit, I know it does, but at first, I honestly felt like I needed some kind of emergency assistance. The feeling was that stomach churningly awful.

You have to encourage your life to grow around the loss. You have to keep busy and fill the time and space with other things. Start off really small, and gradually build it up.

Do you have good people around you?

I think, having read why you slit up, that you must force yourself not to think about it anymore.

I have been over and over and over situations in my mind, situations that are never going to work out right. Going over them doesn't help whatsoever, it just keeps me in the misery.

I think your best bet is distraction. You can have ten minutes per day thinking about it, but then you have to force yourself to think about other things.

This guy is not going to give you what you want, which is babies and a family, therefore you are GOING to have to put it to rest and move forwards, so you CAN find that. Any thinking about him is stopping that future.

I think a bit of grieving at first tho, but in essence, when your head hurts, stop banging it. You have done he right thing, the only thing - get to bed now and go to sleep and let the days roll by. You're going to be meeting someone new soon. This guy is not your ideal man xxx sorry, not sorry xxx

Going off dick.
Slit up.

Jesus!!

Thanks for all your comments. I must say you've made me laugh inbetween sobs with the typos!

I wouldn't say I'm normally an emotional person, but I have never sobbed this much as I have this past fortnight. I don't know where it's come from. I feel dramatic but I feel like I am grieving, it's horrific. I swing from - why is he laughing and being friendly with me at work but extremely cold with me out of work, to the point I don't know who he is anymore - to thinking that's my mr lollipop we'll work it out - to not accepting it's over. I know he's done the kindest thing for me, I even said I'd not have a baby just to be with him because that's how much I love him. But perhaps he just doesn't feel the same and is using the baby stuff as an excuse.

It honestly feels like a physical pain, it feels like it's going through my entire body and feels like it will never go. I wish he'd done something like cheat or be horrible so I could get over it quicker. I feel pathetic writing this, but I just can't imagine what my future looks like anymore.

I have a couple of friends, but a lot of them are colleagues annoyingly too - so again we're all intertwined.

It's such a mess. It's true when they say don't shit where you sleep.

Following to see what advice you get as I am 8 months down the line and still completely heartbroken. I have tried:

Therapy - this is ongoing and quite helpful but not a magic wand as I still cry every day.

Exercise - I took up running and increased my trips to the gym. It helps in the moment but I find the effect wears off once I’m home.

Journalling - tried this but gave up.

Saying yes to as many invites as possible- sadly they are few and I have DC so not always able to take up invites. As with exercise I feel better when I’m socialising but hate coming home alone and waking up alone the next morning.

Unfollowing on social media - this did help. I see you have to work with him which must be awful but at least if you can’t see what he’s doing at weekends etc it might help?

I think my next step might be anti- depressants which I have never tried before but I am so unhappy I really can’t stand to live like this. It’s all consuming. I thought I’d be much better by this stage.

if it is any consolation I have a close friend who was in exactly your situation. She left a good relationship as she wanted children and he didn’t. It took about two years of dating etc but eventually she met someone else through a mutual friend and went on to have two daughters.

Just to add - in my case he did cheat and that hasn’t made it any easier to get over him. My therapist said a break up is like a bereavement, you are grieving the relationship and the future you planned with this person.

It is a physical pain, it is your heart chakra in your chest, breaking and crying with loss and pain. I think you must stay with that and let it out, cry and grieve and go thro the horrors, as something dear to you has irrevocably changed and that can't be glossed over.

BUT it isn't the end. No you can't see anything else right now, who can? But one day you will. Focussing on it won't help. Stop focussing on it I think, because there is no other answer than 'he doesn't want more children and I do.' That hurts to focus on.

You are grieving, and it’s ok to feel how you’re feeling. It’s normal in fact.

You have suffered a loss, but I promise you in time you will be ok. You just have to go through this shitty, all-encompassing horrible bit first.

When my last relationship ended I lost a significant amount of weight, my hair was falling out. I couldn’t eat or sleep, it was horrific. It was an abusive relationship so I was trauma bonded and I really felt like I might die. It physically hurt. It took almost a year before I started feeling better, some days were ok and some were awful, it’s a journey. I absolutely promise you that you WILL be ok, and I dare say happier in the end, please just have faith in that. One day at a time, be extra kind to yourself and don’t expect miracles straight away. Lick your wounds, cry, do what you need to do just make sure you get back up and keep moving forwards.

You’ll get plenty of support here x

Ah, I hear your pain and it's so familiar.

I have had the fucking worst of this over the last few months. Really struggled to get over someone I never even should have developed feelings for in the first place.

The physical pain of it genuinely had me doubled over some days, hands on my knees and I just had to breathe through it.

Time helps a tiny bit. Staying busy helps a bit more. But honestly...I think you just have to go right through it. Feel all of it. The sad bits, the days you feel a little lighter.

I'm really sorry that you sound like I did. It's actually horrific to go through.

But you will get there. And I will say...a new job does help. It's quite good for the ego to take a new opportunity and do well in your own right away from him, plus you are so absorbed in learning the new job and meeting new people that it sometimes has to take a back seat.

Thanks all.

Another day nearly over - foolishly messaged him earlier, I don't know what to achieve but I didn't get a response. He's stronger than me at all of this, always has been, so he's doing me a favour not responding. I think it's just the shock of it all. Always thought we'd find a way, we've talked about it for so long, and then sorted of buried it, and then it came up again and he said he can't take the chance away and that was it really.

Guess I just take it one day at a time but I feel like it's getting worse. I wake up and forget it's over, and then have that awful sinking feeling, and on a night I sit on the sofa just counting down til I can go to bed. I know if I go up now I'll just either lie in bed staring at the ceiling or cry. Although I don't think I have any tears left in me.

Gosh if the old me could see me now she'd say pull yourself together, it's just a man. I can't believe how much this has winded me, it actually feels like a punch to the stomach, if anyone knows what I mean?

Thank you for all your kind comments, it's nice to know others have gone through it but made it out the other side.

You will feel better in time. I'm also going through a recent breakup. Though it was my decision I'm still finding it incredibly painful and hard to do anything but live day to day. We're still living together and I still care for him deeply and it makes it a hell of a lot harder to move on when you see them everyday. A new job may be in order for you.

The best thing I've discovered is the podcast 'How to get over your ex' with Breakup Coach Dorothy. I've only listened to a few eps so far but the advice is incredibly helpful. There are ways of adjusting your mindset to make things a lot more bearable. The one thing I keep remembering is to think about what this breakup has done for you (instead of it being done to you). This breakup could be the thing that leads you to having your own kids. And believe me, when you have your own kids you will have never known love like it. He'll just be a speck in the distant past. You will get there. Be super kind to yourself x

I know exactly what you mean, I remember that feeling in my stomach even thinking about it now.

Another day done, like you said. Sometimes all you can do is take a day at time, even an hour at a time. Have you managed to eat? If you can’t stomach anything shakes are a good way of getting something into your system.

Do you mind me asking how old you are OP? Apologies if you have already said and I’ve missed it!