Old fashioned heartbreak

[lollipoppp]

Please hit me with all your positive stories of how you got over the heartbreak you never thought you'd get over.

I am struggling really, really bad.

@DrunkenElephant I think you're right, hour by hour. I'm 34, he is 38. Hence why the children thing suddenly became a bigger issue.

I skip breakfast, snack at lunch and cereal for dinner. I do need to get better at eating. I've lost 8 pounds so far in 2 weeks, and I was quite slim before so it's not that this is a perk or anything, I just look a bit tired and gaunt in the face.

I wish I hadn't messaged him, I've actually written myself a little note in my notes app saying "remember how you feel now when you want to message him again" to try and encourage myself not to, how sad lol. I genuinely feel pathetic at the minute! Hoping I get some urge to get my big girl pants on soon.

I know i shouldn't focus on him but I keep thinking he must be doing so well. A colleague even said he seemed oddly cheery yesterday (they didn't know about the split.) Although he does have a habit of being overly cheery when he's down, he has depression so I'm used to see his 'fake face' for others. I don't want him to hurt but I want him to at least be a bit sad - does that make sense?! I know I just need to focus on me now. I can't even watch my normal shows as my mind won't focus. I've been watching netflix crime documentaries as they're the only things I seem to be able to focus on as if you miss something you have to rewind it to know what's going on. I'm not sure what I'm saying even making sense at this point, it's just nice to get it down I guess.

@lollipoppp

What did you text him saying?

I am struggling and wish he'd reach out. But I know there is no point. My ex said he didn't see a future with me and I know that wouldn't have changed in 4 weeks.

I keep looking at WhatsApp and see he's online. I know he's been online dating and that's all I seem to focus on at the moment. I hate the thought of him with someone else.

How do I stop that?

@Orchidlie22 I'm so sorry you're going through the same. I simply said "I hope you're ok." I've not had a response but I'm not expecting one.

I think it's like PPs have said, they have done us a favour as I guess our new lives await us now, we just can't see it yet. I just keep telling myself that this will pass.

I think you need to stop looking at WhatsApp, can you change the settings so you can't see when he's online/he can't see when you're online? It'll stop the urge for you to keep looking then maybe. Part of me wants to block my ex so I don't flinch whenever my phone goes wishing it was him, but I can't because of work and plus, the other part of me doesn't want to incase he ever did decide to reach out.

It's just another chapter of our lives I guess and hopefully soon we'll turn onto a brighter chapter x

I told my ex I needed to block him but was concerned if he changed his mind how would he contact me. He says he'd park outside my house, email me, write to me...

Part of me is excited for what awaits me, I know I deserve so much more. I'm slowly starting to see it.

Yes I should change my WhatsApp settings, I know I need to stop looking. I'm on a group WhatsApp that I don't want to leave.

I have no idea where I'm in the grief cycle but still can't believe he's no longer my person I can ring whenever or get my morning messages from him and our evening FaceTimes. I miss him so much still x

It sounds a bit cheesy, but I wrote 'our story' down in a journal. It was really therapeutic, and by writing it all down, it kind of took it out of my head. I'm not actually sure what happened to that notebook as I would love to go back and read it now!!

I am struggling with the no contact thing.

Struggling struggling struggling.

That's all. Just wanted to put it down somewhere as there's nobody I can tell in real life.

@IamII oh don't worry I've made a total embarrassment of myself and messaged him twice today. So be proud of yourself that at least you haven't caved.

It is really, really hard and getting harder by the day. You're not alone though, even if no one you can tell in real life, you can tell us. This thread has really helped me (even if I do keep having to start Day 1 of no contact over and over....and over again) x

Thank you. It's literally been 48 hours but absolutely nothing seems to get this man out of my head. Every minute of every day he's there in the back of my mind, if not the very forefront.

I'm sick of it.

@lollipoppp has he replied?

I'm convinced my ex is seeing/chatting to someone as he's always online on WhatsApp. You'd think it would help me move on but it's not!

Stupidly contacted him. Left me on read.

Really pretty tempted to send a final 'ok got the message and good luck' text but it's better not to right??

Ahhh it hurts to wake up and remember.

@IamII no don't, keep your dignity.

Respect yourself....that's what I keep telling myself and I know it's so hard.

I asked my ex to talk 2 weeks after we broke up and he said he was out. He never rang but said he was sorry. I never replied, I got that I'm not important in his life anymore. That for me has been so hard, knowing I was the one he'd always go to and ring me no matter what. Then one day that stops.

Oh he just replied so fuck knows...

When I was your age I remember crying in the toilets at work after an 1 year relationship ended. I felt physically bereft. Time was a healer, it took me a long time.

You could look at it in some different ways if that helps:

Your heartbreak shows you’ve got a heart. Not everyone has in my experience! It shows the goodness and love and humanity in you. Even getting back in touch (I went round to his place once, to achieve what I hadn’t a clue 😳) shows the same, a sign of your humanity and not to be ashamed of. Anyone who berates you for that momentary ‘emotional weakness’ has no understanding of matters of the heart.

It may not feel like it now - but the reality is that if it’s over he wasn’t for you.

You're absolutely right. The only way I'm able to get through the days at the minute are thinking if we're meant to be then it'll happen. And if it doesn't then we has a good run and weren't meant to be.

It's really tough isn't it. I sent 3 messages today, he'll be used to it cos I was always like that in our relationship but I think I just look desperate now so I've taken the step to block him, more for me so it might remove the temptation. I need to do something anyway as I can't go on like this. I hope everyone else is okay.

@lollipoppp is he replying?

It's nearly 3 was no contact for me and I'm waiting to reach out more and more each day.....

Listen to Jamie Laing's podcast Great Company - the episode with Elizabeth Day.
She talks about heartbreak and a quote that she had heard at the time which said; view every event as a choice, and as it was a choice, what led to that decision, what can it teach you.
Be proud that you are being true to your inner self, putting your emotional needs rather than suppressing them to keep someone in your life. Although the grief is painful, the intensity will pass. Work on yourself, what are the emotional, physical, needs that you felt this man met? How can you meet those needs in other (healthy) ways?
This was never your person.
Your person is still out there, with many of the qualities you admired in your last partner, but who will also want to have children.
Don't settle - Ever - the price to your self worth will be too high.

I know my person isn't 'my person'.
Literally, since we are both other people's...and also just because, I guess, our connection dips in and out at his instigation.

What I'm trying now is...to be grateful and let him go. He's very different to me, and got me really interested in things I never was before, so my life is genuinely quite a bit richer for the knowing him well.

I'm trying it anyway.

@Orchidlie22 nope, I'm not expecting him to either. When we split I even told him I'll be a nightmare and asked him to block me and he said he couldn't do that. So I told him to just not bother responding to me unless he wanted to be with me. He was always the 'stronger' one where he actually is able to be a normal human being and practice self restrain ha. Although tonight, as much as I would love to hear from him, I've reached this sort of place where I'm accepting I won't hear from him again, not in the way I want to. It's really really sad but I just have to accept he isn't coming back.

@AddictedtoStarmix that's a really good insight, thank you! I will check that podcast out. Someone else recommended one up the thread by a Coach Dorothy which I'm throwing myself into. It sounds ridiculous but on a night I even have "overnight breakup affirmations" playing on youtube, I really will try anything at this point!!

@IamII it's good that you can see the positive in what he brought to your life - hopefully bring about change, if that's what you're wanting.

I keep going through bouts of embarrassment, why am I love sick teenager again, but then thinking I should be proud that I do have these feelings, and if I can love the 'wrong' person this much, then it will be even better with the 'right' person. Just got to try actually believe that now 😅

Yeah i have moments where i get a clear view of myself and cringe. But I don't really allow it; I know I fell in love with him for specific and traumatic reasons and mentally he was how I survived.

Kindness to ourselves is key.

How is everyone doing? I'm struggling but stuck to no contact for nearly 2 days now....doesn't sound much to most but I guess it's an 'achievement' for me.

Just hoping things start to improve soon, but I know they only will if I make change them. I don't really feel I have the energy at the moment and have spent the weekend watching trash TV. The weather here hasn't helped. The house feels eeerily quiet. My phone also feels quieter than ever.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Well done @lollipoppp on the two days. It's a constant fucking exhausting struggle isn't it?

I'm also on Day Two...I have archived our chat which helps me not look out for notifications, but still...so many times a day I think 'he'd like this song or this news story or this joke or I wonder how his day is' and the effort to reel myself in is huge.

I do feel a tiny bit more settled in myself though; last night both kids cosied up with me to watch a movie and it's maybe the first time I've been able to enjoy a family moment without wanting to wrench myself out of my own skin for...at least a year.

A year <shakes head at stupid stupid self>

I'm on day 21 of no contact and feel some days it's getting harder not easier!
I've been keeping myself busy but now I'm so tired the emotions come with that.
Still miss him terribly and what we had. That connect is rare and I don't know if I'll get it again? Well that's how I feel currently. Surely it has to get easier soon?!

Day 309 for me, still waiting for it to get easier and not to dream of him every night, think of him every morning, every time I see a car like his. I knew it would take time to heal but I never imagined that almost a year later I would feel just as bad as I did when we broke up. I have never experienced ongoing heartbreak like this before, it’s soul destroying and all consuming.

Ahhh fuck me it hurts.

Just saw a mutual friend and hearing his name dropped casually into conversation...why does it never stop.