Could you forgive a comment like this

[NC457]

So my partner (31M) and I (31F) have been finding things difficult since the birth of our DS1 (8months). I have already been considering leaving the relationship for a multitude of reasons, but we decided to see how we go for the next 2 months and then make a decision. Things improved recently until my oldest friends' wedding - which I have been excited for and planning for months - a night away for us both with my mum looking after the little one, and to catch up with all my high school friends.

The day before we were due to set off, he said he wasn't going, because he didn't have any shoes to wear and couldn't afford to buy any. He has known about this for over 4 months.

He changed his mind, and we went to the wedding, which was fun, until about 8pm when he proceeded to sulk at the tables and then disappear constantly whenever I went to spend time with the bride and my other friends (I kept inviting him to join but he doesn't dance), so I kept coming back to spend time with him too.

About 9pm I get a text saying he's leaving and walking back (1.5hr walk from venue) so I find him and we look into taxis - the venue manager says no taxis and really wouldn't recommend walk. Then my two other close friends come over and say the bus will be here in an hour or so, and DP loudly exclaims 'I want to kill myself' in what is meant to be a jokey way but not taken well by my friends as quite childish. I spoke to him later in the night and asked if he could be more mindful about how he speaks to my friends as its their first time meeting him - he then says - "what, so you think you're the only one with the monopoly on suicide?"

He's referring a time when I struggled with depression (long before we met), and really hurt my feelings.

Could you forgive a comment like that? Without going into too much detail, it's a really horrible thing to say given my past, and I'm so hurt.

Not the comment in isolation but in combination with all the other bullshit behaviour for sure.

My xh started pulling this shit not long after my friend died by suicide. Note ex.

It's pretty shitty. Up to you whether it's beyond forgiveness.

About 9pm I get a text saying he's leaving and walking back (1.5hr walk from venue Why didn't you just leave him to it?

Because it was supposed to be a nice weekend away for us and I wanted him to get to know my oldest friends, but in hindsight I wish I had

I would have let him walk. Did he buy new shoes? Would have been a good chance to break them in.

I don’t know what it was about that wedding but it seems to have triggered something in him. The comment was pretty horrendous and his behaviour seems to have been geared towards ruining things for you. There is obviously a much wider context than this one event though and it doesn’t sound as if either of you are happy or fulfilled right now.

What persuaded you to choose this man as father to your child?

HAHAHA 🤣

It sounds like you imagined it to be nice in your head but failed to realise that he would be bored out of his mind.

Maybe a more chill environment where he is in his comfort zone would be better for them to meet?

I was going to say that parents of young babies are overtired and to give each other a little grace but after reading it, I'm not impressed with his behaviour. Is he normally selfish? What are some of the other reasons you were thinking of ending the relationship? If this is one of many, I would probably leave him. Has he been supportive of you and the baby in general?

He sounds very immature and your friends must've felt the same. Either he grows up or he goes.

He was awful to me at night for the first 4 months after DS was born, whenever I'd ask him to feed/change baby - we both went back to work at the same time (i am self employed) and I felt it only fair we did 50/50. He has also been awful with money since the baby and I have had to pay all the household bills after half way through the month because he runs out of money. He's getting overtime now, and prior to this weekend things have been a lot better for the past few months but I was already struggling to forgive him. And yes, he's very selfish. He wasn't like this at all until we had a child.

My ex was abusive and reading your post reminded me of his behaviour. How he used to isolate me from friends with behaviour like this. It also all started once he got me trapped with a baby

He sounds awful. Stop trying to save him and let him sleep in the bed that he lies in- your relationship might even improve

Unfortunately you often only find out how horrible someone can be when you have a child together.
My exH disappeared for 6 months after I had DS because he "couldn't cope" which was weird because he actually did absolutely nothing.
He was my ex pretty damned quick after that.

Op, he was jealous of you having a nice time with your friends. Something he knew you'd been looking forward to.
A decent bloke would be happy you were having such a lovely time catching up with your friends and dancing, even if he was bored to tears himself sat at the table!
He can't handle seeing you happy. So he sabotaged the moment.
He tried to sabotage it with the whole not having any shoes issue, because he knew you were looking forward to it so much. When that didn't work he sabotaged it at the actual wedding.
He said what he said to make well and truly sure he ruined your evening.

Expect this to be a pattern I'm afraid if you stay with him.
I expect every single event in the future that means something to you, he will sabotage in some way to make it much less enjoyable for you or actually ruined for you.
On purpose.

What he said was unforgivable. his aim was absolutely to purposely upset you as much as he possibly could because he couldn't bear you having a nice time that wasn't focused entirely on him.

I’m guessing he didn’t reveal his true colours until after OP got pregnant. Not uncommon.

Many men change after a baby arrives, or they become the worst version of themselves. It's pretty common. They say they want babies but really they are just going along with it because it's the conventional thing to do and maybe because of perceived pressure. They bitterly resent their loss of freedom and the financial burden and the screaming, nappies and loss of sleep is their idea of hell not joy.

He doesn't sound as though he's going to change and I would seriously reconsider this relationship for your own well being. He sounds like he wants out.

His behaviour overall is petty, unpleasant and really immature, to be honest.

I've got an 18 yo son who would have thought this was childish. If you've gone to someone's wedding and you don't know many people, but refuse to dance, then you politely 'man up' and make the best of it. He deliberately tried to spoil the wedding for you and everyone else around.

Sulky baby. I'd get rid now, I think. You're clearly thinking about it and have been doing for a while. This would have been the final straw for me.

Even if he was bored at your friend’s wedding he’s an adult and should know how to behave graciously. His comment was disgusting.
Given his behaviour you describe since your baby was born I’d say get out now, I doubt he’ll improve. He sounds selfish and abusive.

He sounds very self centred, childish
and controlling, with him effectively trying to punish you for having a good time when he wasn’t. It also sounds like there’s a pattern of behaviour like this so I’d be re thinking your relationship if I was you, and asking myself if I felt there were any indicators of abuse.

So basically, he is turning into a twat or a controlling, abusive twat since the birth.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon if really shit.

What he said was unacceptable imo.
And his behaviour at the wedding wasn’t good either. It very sounds like he was desperate to spoil things for you, whatever way he could find.

I can see why you are thinking of LTB.
And this last incident would reinforce that idea tbh.

No no no. No way. He's being abusive. My ex was similar, I hurt myself as a teenager and it was always brought up in arguments (like why don't you go and slice yourself again then). Or threatening suicide or self harm. The deliberate isolation of me from friends and family was present as well. This went on for 9 years.

It's not OK to keep using this against you.

Particularly not when you have a baby to look after! He needs to support you! Or rather do his fair share as you're both working. Or just leave. He's not worth it.

He sounds absolutely pathetic.

The remark itself was just him trying to say the worst thing he could think of. I wouldn’t fixate on that particularly.

He deliberately set out to ruin your enjoyment of an event that was important to you. That’s what’s unforgivable, IMO.

Was he jealous of your friends and the fact that you were enjoying yourself with them rather than babysitting him?