Could you forgive a comment like this

[NC457]

So my partner (31M) and I (31F) have been finding things difficult since the birth of our DS1 (8months). I have already been considering leaving the relationship for a multitude of reasons, but we decided to see how we go for the next 2 months and then make a decision. Things improved recently until my oldest friends' wedding - which I have been excited for and planning for months - a night away for us both with my mum looking after the little one, and to catch up with all my high school friends.

The day before we were due to set off, he said he wasn't going, because he didn't have any shoes to wear and couldn't afford to buy any. He has known about this for over 4 months.

He changed his mind, and we went to the wedding, which was fun, until about 8pm when he proceeded to sulk at the tables and then disappear constantly whenever I went to spend time with the bride and my other friends (I kept inviting him to join but he doesn't dance), so I kept coming back to spend time with him too.

About 9pm I get a text saying he's leaving and walking back (1.5hr walk from venue) so I find him and we look into taxis - the venue manager says no taxis and really wouldn't recommend walk. Then my two other close friends come over and say the bus will be here in an hour or so, and DP loudly exclaims 'I want to kill myself' in what is meant to be a jokey way but not taken well by my friends as quite childish. I spoke to him later in the night and asked if he could be more mindful about how he speaks to my friends as its their first time meeting him - he then says - "what, so you think you're the only one with the monopoly on suicide?"

He's referring a time when I struggled with depression (long before we met), and really hurt my feelings.

Could you forgive a comment like that? Without going into too much detail, it's a really horrible thing to say given my past, and I'm so hurt.

You told him something that was deeply personal and vulnerable and he used it against you, knowing it would upset you.

What a horrible thing to do. Some things you just don’t bring up for point scoring etc, no matter how mad you are.

I tried to talk to him about it just there and asked if he understood why that would hurt me and he said he didn't mean it in that way and wasn't referring to my past (don't really know how else one could interpret what he said), then said he didn't use those exact words (he did) and then stormed out without apologising and is now working on the shed. Feel so lucky to have such an understanding and caring partner...

He sounds like a cunt.

"It sounds like you imagined it to be nice in your head but failed to realise that he would be bored out of his mind."

Oh, the poor little poppet. Maybe next time she could put some snacks and colouring in her bag just in case......

It sounds like he's pretty determined to be an arsehole.

I'd read up about emotional abuse if I were you.

To be honest, the comment is the least of your worries from the scenario you've recounted. He knew that this event was important to you and a chance to get to know people who you're fond of and he acted like a petulant child. Who storms off mid evening from someone's wedding? Ridiculous behaviour. And the shoe thing is baffling. He had months to source or borrow a pair of shoes if absolutely necessary. It seems he went out of his was to ruin the occasion for you and then bullied you over your mental health. He's not a keeper OP

His behaviour sounds a bit odd. His comment about suicide was extremely insensitive.
From his perspective I can see he was struggling at this event, not knowing anyone properly and feeling awkward. I think it would have been a much better idea for you to go alone. You could have focused on your friends and had a lovely time without worrying about him. Did you not consider going without him?

He deliberately tried to sabotage your night, starting with the refusal to go because of his shoes.

He is trying to get you to centre him in all things, ie persuade him to go to it, persuade him to stay there, persuade him to like your friends. Just stop. Let him stay behind, let him walk for 1.5 hours, let him go...

Attention-seeking behaviour to spoil a nice time. Seen it all. Lived it all. Exhausting

He wasn't just a plus one, we were both invited, and when he found out about it he was excited too. By the time he started acting like an arse the day before, I already had dogsitter booked (the wedding was a 7 hr round trip away), plans made with the friends he does know, granny booked to take the wee one and we had both booked time off work. It would have been so rude to cancel at the last minute and just go by myself when he was a named guest too. I'd have been happy by myself, I didn't need him there and would have had more fun without, but he happily accepted the invitation at the time and was looking forward to it until the last minute.

This.

This is what narcissists do (or covert narcs if he’s not the grandiose type). Everything has to be about them and if it’s not they will ruin any nice event.

They often talk about suicide too when things don’t go their way “il just go and throw myself off a bridge then!” and the like. They’re big babies, everything is always everyone else’s fault and they take no responsibility for their actions.

Read up on it - I bet you’ll see lots of similarities in his personality.

I can understand your upset at his comment about suicide etc but to my mind the bigger picture is far more important: you are not on the same page and not working as a team. You are both having second thoughts about the marriage. I would recommend marriage guidance at this point.

Get rid. You'll be better off without him. He's an abusive arsehole.

"He wasn't like this at all until we had a child"

This often appears to the case.It reminds me of something my mum said to me; a man shows his true colours when the children start arriving.

I think you know if you remain in this relationship it's going to be a miserable life for you;can you see yourself spending your life this way.

DP loudly exclaims 'I want to kill myself'
In front of other people, at someone's wedding? What an attention seeking immature man. Of course your friends didn't take it well, it's disgusting.
Sounds like you were spending too much time trying to tiptoe around him. I couldn't forgive any of this.

So he sabotaged a nice weekend away and abused your mental health?

You know where the door is right OP. He's not good for you or your DS.

I wouldn't forgive, and I would be asking him to move out ASAP.

What's your living situation? Do you have family nearby?

How on earth are you going to raise a child when he can't afford new shoes,

He's a loser a complete and utter loser.

I agree. His bad behaviour goes far beyond a tired parent getting bored and irritable. And the suicide comment was unforgivable.

He sounds pathetic

Honestly, get rid of him. Do it now before your baby gets used to him being there. He will suck the life out of you and make you miserable.

I agree with this post 100%.

It's unlikely he behaved like that initially.

I think OP tat he has shown you who he is and you kinda need to believe him and come out from la la land where you went off to a lovely wedding with old friends and had a good laugh and a great night . He's turned into a man child since the birth of you little one. Honestly I don't think he will change. Take it from someone who stuck around for years living in cloud cuckoo land but the reality was very different and I'm sorry but I don't think he is going to magically become the guy you thought he was. Count your losses

There do seem to be some men who see their partner getting interested in or excited about anything except them as a kind of malfunction and get arsey about it. Anything at all - friends, family, job, their own children. Have you got one of those?

Well, it wouldn't necessarily be the comment for me (although terrible), but the childish way he tried to sabotage you having a nice time with your friends. And the drama he caused