Why did my Asperger’s friend do this

[ThisLoftyLilacShark]

I used to be friends with someone who has Asperger’s. They’re not good at communicating. they were very flakey, cancelling plans last minute in favour of something else they wanted to do or someone else they wanted to spend time with, or leaving planned activities early. They did it a lot. I tried talking to them about it but they couldn’t seem to understand my perspective or sympathise with me.
So when were meant to watch one of their favourite movies together, which they were counting down the time for and excited for, I made them wait half an hour past the time when we were meant to be watching it to tell them that I had decided to watch it with someone else instead, and they were furious with me for it.
I stopped being friends with them and did some work on myself and I try to forgive people and no longer feel the need to get revenge on anyone who wronged me and I don’t want to use my energy on things that don’t matter.
The friend missed me and it had been a while, and I like them so I decided to give them another chance. I arranged a call at a set time in advance so we could talk about how it would work, and they told me 5 minutes before that they can’t as they were going out - they knew this in advance but didn’t tell me, and haven’t made any alternative arrangements. I am trying not to make a big deal out of it, but why would someone with Asperger’s do this? I want to understand them

Maybe they’re getting their own back for the time you got your own back? It sounds like a frustrating friendship which possibly shouldn’t be rekindled.

Interesting question. I guess why would anyone with 'aspergers' do anything? I also guess why anyone without asd which is now the correct term, do this either. Perhaps op your friend is just a flakey selfish person, I know SO many outside my 'asd' bubble and as someone with asd I would never let someone down so I cannot tell you what 'us people' with asd do or do not do no more than I can tell you why people without asd do or do not do things.

Perhaps just educate yourself on humans in general rather than wondering what 'they' with 'aspergers' would do something for because all of humanity is different.

This. I also don't think you can put it down to their autism that's quite a sweeping assumption

It sounds like they decided to reflect your behaviour back at you. What you did was pretty mean.

Because they are *ssholes (so were you in the past to them).
Nothing to do with ASD.

Why take up a friendship which didn't work first time? Leave it and go find friends you like and treat well!

People with ASD are not a "one size fits all". There could be lots of reasons why they did this.

You seem to have a one dimensional view of ASD.

My DS has ASD and he would do this as a tit for tat. He wouldn’t necessarily see the original issue of flaking on the friend. He would have been very hurt the friend deliberately did it to him when he wanted to see that film.

So the next time they met he would likely do that to the OP as, in his mind, it is tit for tat.

Ultimately the pair of you are not really friends regardless of whether it’s tit for tat or something else. Best to leave the friendship to fizzle out and find friends that suit you better.

because of the way they are, I am sure they would have done this wether or not I decided to take revenge on that isolated occasion

there was no need for that

Except you can't be sure of that or else why are you even asking why they did it 🙄

Again people with ASD are not one dimensional people who only do things one way for one reasons forever

@ThisLoftyLilacShark

Why do you want to be friends?

EVERY need for it.

It's likely that they have social anxiety and are seriously impacted by the drain of masking to try to fit in. You sound quite young and resentful and I don't think it's helpful to 'punish' anyone for how their autism presents and impacts them.

Seems pretty accurate to me

The same reason anyone would want to be friends with a friend. We have similar interests and got on well but the friendship had a few issues this being one of them

Asperger's isn't a thing anymore. It is not used for diagnostic purposes. You knew this person was ND and you let them down. They can't process that in the same way you can. However, given your reaction to their behaviour, are you sure you are not ND too?

I have autism myself. Autistic people often have a very strong sense of justice. If you do something to me I’ll do it back to you. So I wouldn’t be surprised if the “five minutes” incident was in retaliation for what you did.

Also, what you did was mean. There’s a difference between an autistic person doing something because they struggle with relationships, and you doing something purposely to be mean.

I agree with pp though, you should drop the friendship. Autistic people will often leave events early if they feel overwhelmed, it’s not reasonable for you to expect them to stay. They sometimes make plans then don’t feel able to carry them out when the time arrives. Or arrange to go out then don’t feel up to it. If you can’t cope with the symptoms of their disability then this friendship isn’t for you.

I don’t know why people are saying the op has been cruel. That’s a pretty patronising way to view a person with ASD, as if they’re someone who can treat others poorly but has to be treated well in return like a spoilt child.

Its not about how the person with ASD is viewed its about the OPs behaviour

Anyone who deliberately does something to "punish" or "revenge" themselves on another person because they don't like the way they behave is pretty abusive tbh

The OP could have walked away from the friendship sooner, she could have stopped making plans, instead she chose revenge. It would have been far better to have made her boundaries known and then stuck to them.

Now it's possible the person with ASD was also doing it, not because they are ND but because they are an arse. But we don't know that. All we know is the OPs motives and they aren't really very nice.

Why should it work this time?

Tbh you don't strike me as a good fit at all.

They were constantly flakey tho - OP was utterly childish doing what she did. Friend was pathetic if what they they then did was "revenge"

OP - drop it. You're never going to find a solution that doesn't involve them constantly being flakey. And eventually it will annoy you too much. Accept the friendship has run it's course. Accept an apology if one is forthcoming but don't expect one, and don't rekindle the friendship.

I'm ASD and I don't think the changing plans is to do with ASD. The inability to have a conversation about the problem might be, but it seems that the OP suffers with that too.

I wondered if both people might be young - perhaps early 20s and quite inexperienced. Maybe a bit of help from some one to sit down and talk through what is going on would help a lot?

It sounds fair to me. You did it to them .. but don't like it when they do it back?

Being autistic is a disability. Different social communication and interaction are part of that disability, as is overwhelm. You punished them for their autistic traits instead of saying directly that you were unhappy and why. I'm just surprised they even got back in touch with you. As a fellow autistic I wouldn't have. 🤨

You were so petty, there.