Why did my Asperger’s friend do this

[ThisLoftyLilacShark]

I used to be friends with someone who has Asperger’s. They’re not good at communicating. they were very flakey, cancelling plans last minute in favour of something else they wanted to do or someone else they wanted to spend time with, or leaving planned activities early. They did it a lot. I tried talking to them about it but they couldn’t seem to understand my perspective or sympathise with me.
So when were meant to watch one of their favourite movies together, which they were counting down the time for and excited for, I made them wait half an hour past the time when we were meant to be watching it to tell them that I had decided to watch it with someone else instead, and they were furious with me for it.
I stopped being friends with them and did some work on myself and I try to forgive people and no longer feel the need to get revenge on anyone who wronged me and I don’t want to use my energy on things that don’t matter.
The friend missed me and it had been a while, and I like them so I decided to give them another chance. I arranged a call at a set time in advance so we could talk about how it would work, and they told me 5 minutes before that they can’t as they were going out - they knew this in advance but didn’t tell me, and haven’t made any alternative arrangements. I am trying not to make a big deal out of it, but why would someone with Asperger’s do this? I want to understand them

My DS (ASD) likes to plan and allow contingency. He will be an hour early rather than 1 minute late. He will eat before a meet-up if he hasn't expressly been invited for a meal, to avoid being hungry or putting anyone on the spot.
His best friend (also ASD) is exactly as you describe your friend and is completely unaware of the carnage he leaves in his wake.
TL:DR. Your friend is flakey because she's flakey; not because she has ASD.
His best friend

Ok, I apologise for my ignorance around the effects of quadriplegia. (I’m not being sarcastic, I do take your point).

I still maintain that this isn’t a cut and dried case of someone behaving a certain way purely due to being autistic, and OP doesn’t have to put up with it.

Don’t think it is ASD related tbh. I have one with it and they always go to whatever they have committed to and are always on time. In fact they get very stressed if late so always arrive everywhere early. Also, they can’t change plans easily so couldn’t ‘flake’ last minute for something else, their brain just wouldn’t allow it.

Nope I totally agree with you about it not being a cut and dried ASD thing and the OP has the right to decided on and maintain boundaries around what behaviour she is willing to tolerate

I don't think this is ASD related. Some people are just self absorbed or like to play games. You can be self absorbed and have ASD.

Well done for doing the work so that you don't react the way you did last time (seeking revenge/tit for tat). Please do consider why you are still seeking a friendship with someone who treats you like this. I think it is time to move on from this friendship permanently. I would simply reply 'no problem - have a good time' and never contact them again (polite, short, non committal replies the other way). Life's too short for this kind of shit.

Those are two sides of the same coin - time blindness, hard to navigate unclear agreements, hard to deal with uncertainty.

The rather one hour sooner approach is just an overcompensation and (for people I know) being overly anxious about something we find hard.

Btw, how would the full hour earlier work when meeting friends? It would feel very rude to turn up at someone's door earlier than invited and I would feel too restless walking in circles around their house.

First of all, we, the autistic community are trying to move away from the term Asperger’s so you shouldn’t use it unless you’re autistic yourself.

Secondly - you are no friend to this person. You know they have a disability and your response to them is to goad them to anger. How nasty.

which proves what? the op could have any amount of undiagnosed things too doesnt make what she did any better.

@Dollenganger333 First of all, we, the autistic community are trying to move away from the term Asperger’s so you shouldn’t use it unless you’re autistic yourself

Actually, no, you don’t speak for the autism autistic community as a whole. I know many people with Aspergers (the term they want used) including one of my adult kids. They are all trying to roll it back to Aspergers. Many of them refuse to be called anything but and will definitely correct you. It’s the term they were diagnosed under, the term they grew up with and the term that they identified with. They want to keep their term, simples. And, as I say whenever I have to type this when someone like yourself ‘speaks for them’, no, none of them are Nazi lovers before you wander into that silly wilderness.

Actually, no, you don’t speak for the autism autistic community as a whole. I know many people with Aspergers (the term they want used) including one of my adult kids. They are all trying to roll it back to Aspergers.

That's why I said 'unless you're autistic'

The main reason the autistic community is moving away from the term Asperger’s is because it encourages the use of functioning labels and therefore ableism. It’s also increasingly not used as a diagnosis anymore.

I wish people would stop policing others language, who is this 'autistic community' exactly? because it's not my son, who was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome and wants to use the name of the condition he was diagnosed with. I also use Asperger's syndrome because autism is such a huge spectrum that it gives some idea of where the person is on that spectrum, it's right up there with 'you're not allowed to say high functioning' in how much it pisses me off. If people don't want to use Asperger's syndrome because Asperger had links to the nazis then don't - but maybe they'd better stop calling BMW's BMW's too.

Functioning labels are entirely appropriate with autism IMO as it is a huge spectrum. No one says 'you're not allowed to say you have a migraine, you have to say it's a headache because it's ableist to say migraine as they're both headaches'. The reason actually has nothing to do with ableism anyway, it's because autism has a spiky profile. So you may be very able in certain areas but have tremendous difficulty in others. So high functioning may suggest you can cope just fine when you really might not be able to in certain situations. This isn't a problem with the term high functioning though, it's a problem with people's interpretation of it. It actually just means you don't have an intellectual disability whereas with classic autism the person does, it's just medical fact not ableist at all.

People use functioning labels as a way not to accept that someone has a disability.

They are also used to Other people with autism who have higher care needs. I was in an autism group once, where the person running the group decided that she was going to make it clear that anyone with language difficulties wasn't welcome in the group and didn't belong. Eventually the group was shut down.

This sort of thing is also frequently seen even on threads on MN.

I would have been diagnosed with Asperger's before the diagnostic criteria changed. I don't have to explain myself for how I feel about it and I have not arrived at this conclusion lightly, as it's a learning curve that I've been on for 20+ years and I also have 3 autistic children.

FFS this again

Stop speaking for other people as a whole. There is no such thing as "the autistic community". Some people identify with and use the term Asperger's, some don't. Don't speak for them.

The OP used the term Asperger's. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I would take this as being how the 'friend' identifies their diagnosis, so to tell them not to use it is wrong!

@Dollenganger333That's why I said 'unless you're autistic'

No, you don’t get to dictate that either. I’m not autistic, yet I am able to use Asperger’s as a term because that’s what the people who I do know that have Asperger’s want it referred to in general, by people like myself that don’t have autism. Other people with Asperger’s would prefer that people without autism use ASD. So, given there is no universal agreement involving people who were diagnosed with this term, there is no right or wrong with people using the term. So, you cannot police it and tell people what to call it.

@HoppingPavlova however you are the police on the term eh?

Delighted to see last weeks 'aspergers' shite thread removed. Hoping this one will be too.

Imagine using the term 'ignorant' instead of neurotypical. Be yet another war.

@Psychoticbreak ???? No, I’m not policing anything. I’m responding to someone saying no one is allowed to use that term. How is calling that out ‘policing the term’? People should be able to call it whatever they want. Those who want to call it Aspergers should be free to do so without being told not to. People who want to call it ASD should be free to do so? What’s wrong with that?