Why did my Asperger’s friend do this

[ThisLoftyLilacShark]

I used to be friends with someone who has Asperger’s. They’re not good at communicating. they were very flakey, cancelling plans last minute in favour of something else they wanted to do or someone else they wanted to spend time with, or leaving planned activities early. They did it a lot. I tried talking to them about it but they couldn’t seem to understand my perspective or sympathise with me.
So when were meant to watch one of their favourite movies together, which they were counting down the time for and excited for, I made them wait half an hour past the time when we were meant to be watching it to tell them that I had decided to watch it with someone else instead, and they were furious with me for it.
I stopped being friends with them and did some work on myself and I try to forgive people and no longer feel the need to get revenge on anyone who wronged me and I don’t want to use my energy on things that don’t matter.
The friend missed me and it had been a while, and I like them so I decided to give them another chance. I arranged a call at a set time in advance so we could talk about how it would work, and they told me 5 minutes before that they can’t as they were going out - they knew this in advance but didn’t tell me, and haven’t made any alternative arrangements. I am trying not to make a big deal out of it, but why would someone with Asperger’s do this? I want to understand them

I assume you didn’t read the whole thing or overlooked the part where I said, in the first paragraph, that I tried talking to them about it and they refused to see it from my perspective.
They had been flakey for a while, I got tired of it and them not considering me and my feelings and I thought that they might understand how I felt if they got a taste of their own medicine.
I don’t know everything about autism which is why I was asking here how it could affect them in a way that would cause this.
I’m not sure it’s because of over whelm as they would cancel in favour of other friends for another activity.

'because of the way they are' - Wow OP, with a view like that, I honestly think both of you would be better off having no contact with the other.

Are you on the spectrum yourself, OP?

OP your friend has always been flaky and unreliable.
It's unclear whether this '5 minutes' event was just a continuation of that, or a deliberate act of revenge.
Either way you now know that they will never be reliable or understand your perspective. So find new friends,

I have ADHD, married to an autistic man and I'm not a big fan of the 'understanding their disability' blah2. Everyone can choose who they want to be friends with. It's not our jobs to be 'understanding' of people. If you do not like the way they treat you, regardless of the reason, drop them. It's really simple.

I tried talking to them about it and they refused to see it from my perspective

And it didn't occur to you that someone who is ND might not be capable of doing that, because of their condition? It's not that they won't, it is because they can't.

Doing it to them to see how they like it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.

If this person is autistic, then their "flakiness" might not have been intentional or malicious, but more the result of their symptoms, which you didn't realise or account for.

Eg. Leaving places early might have been because they were becoming overwhelmed. Cancelling plans might be because they were feeling unexpectedly burnt out or maybe had to do something stressful before and didn't feel they had the mental capacity left that day to be good company. Remembering to present all your communications in a way neurologicals understand and expect can be exhausting, so even though its enjoyable to see a friend, it takes a lot of mental/emotional energy, so sometimes she maybe just didn't feel up to it when the time came.

What you did to her however was intentionally nasty, I'm not really sure why you would think it appropriate to 'get revenge' on someone for having a disability, or why she would want to be your friend again afterwards.

As for the planned phone call, I'd guess it was anxiety. She probably spent the last few days running through all possible ways the the conversation might go and overthought it to the extent she was overwhelmed. I sometimes get attacks of selective mutism in stressful situations, which would make the kind of conversation you were expecting impossible.

Obviously every autistic person I different, but those are the things that might make me act in a similar way to your 'friend'.

The email address for the autism hive mind is
[email protected]

They’ll send you a copy of their FAQs. I think they call them Frequent Questions for Understanding though, or FQUs for short.

It sounds like this is a consistent theme, I suspects she messes everyone around and not just you. Could be a mix of feeling overwhelmed, disregard for others feelings, unawareness of time, distracted, OCD actions to complete, difficulty doing things and following or creating a plan.

"I arranged a call at a set time in advance so we could talk about how it would work, and they told me 5 minutes before that they can’t as they were going out - they knew this in advance but didn’t tell me, and haven’t made any alternative arrangements. "

😂😂

Yeah, you were a jerk and they've paid you back. You were really mean.

I must be a terrible person because I can see why OP did the film thing and I don’t think it was mean I think it was well deserved! This friend has repeatedly cancelled on OP at the last minute in favour of other plans. Perhaps they didn’t realise it was rude, but OP explained it to them. They couldn’t/didn’t take any notice of this. Understandably exasperated, OP got revenge. I can absolutely see why!

Autism isn’t an excuse to be rude, nor does it make someone an inconsiderate arse. Repeatedly cancelling on someone at the last minute is rude and OP explained why. Even if it is the autism preventing the person understanding why this is a problem, OP doesn’t have to put up with that. I agree this friendship is best not rekindled

So when were meant to watch one of their favourite movies together, which they were counting down the time for and excited for, I made them wait half an hour past the time when we were meant to be watching it to tell them that I had decided to watch it with someone else instead

I don't understand why you did this to them deliberately, and why you seem to think they have no right to be mad at you for doing that but you're mad at them for doing similar to you.

Be a decent person, and teach yourself about how autism can impact people's social life. Plenty of reading on the internet on the subject.

TBF, your second paragraph doesn't necessarily follow from your first. The OP tried to explain and whether their friend would not or could not empathise, the outcome was the same and frustrating for the OP.

So the OP decided to try a different tack and demonstrate how frustrating the behaviour was to their friend which clearly did work as the friend experienced the frustration and the ruined evening albeit to such an extent that it damaged the friendship.

I'm not saying that it was kind or the right thing to do (although I'm at a loss as to how to preserve a friendship under the circumstances the OP describes, so it might have been the least worst of the available options) but it did at least achieve something more than talking did even if the end result is that the friendship isn't working out, which it wasn't anyway. 💁

It's mean because it was planned and spiteful.

The ex friend being flaky was annoying and shit, yeah, but no evidence of spite.

You just stop arranging stuff with people like that, or you go in bigger groups so them flaking doesn't stop you enjoying yourself, you don't go out to "teach them a lesson" so nastily.

The OP is literally the poster asking the internet for information in how autism can impacts people's social life so they can understand their friend's behaviour.

It sounds like anxiety to me. Maybe they like you but find spending time with you difficult in some ways and end up being avoidant and cancelling.

I know quite a few Autistic people and none of them behave like this. Personality makes a difference and not everything an Autistic person does is because they're Autistic. FYI Asperger's is an outdated name and not liked by majority of Autistic people as he experimented on SEN children during WW2.

Flakey isn't a symptom of Autism. Its a personality thing. In fact most of the Autistic people I know struggle with last minute changes and want to stick to what's been planned in advance. They may need to cut an outing short if they find the situation overwhelming. They often have a strong sense of justice so I'm guessing your friend was getting back at you this time. It sounds like while the two of you might get on you dont mesh well as friends so Id let this one go and find a friend your more compatible with.

You sound like a mean friend. Letting them down last minute on purpose was not nice.

Yeah you're right.

I told my quadriplegic friend I didn't like that
she didn't walk, but she still didn't walk! So I went to help her into her chair, then pushed it away just as she sat down. That showed her!

not really comparable is it. Being quadriplegic will have more or less the same effect on all people who are quadriplegic, whereas autism presents differently from person to person and varies in severity. It isn’t a hive mind as several PP have pointed out. We have no idea whether this friend is just flakey and inconsiderate or if their autism is the reason for these behaviours.

Either way, OP isn’t obliged to be their friend. I’m ND and I don’t think it gives me carte blanche to behave however I like, nor do I think people should tolerate/be friends with me if they find my behaviour annoying.

Why did you have to use the word ‘Asperger’s’ to describe your friend?
They are a friend. With - presumably - a diagnosis of ASD. They are not ‘flaky’ as you so nicely put it.
You know what they are like, and yet you chose to ‘teach them a lesson’. That’s not the behaviour of a friend IMO.

It’s now becoming more widely accepted that people with a ND diagnosis in one aspect may also have other co morbidities, so ADHD + ASD for example.
The ‘friend’ may well have undiagnosed ADHD.

Why would anyone do what you did? Op you even said they were counting down to the film!! This has got to be fake! Got to be! You can’t be asking what’s wrong with them when everyone else is thinking why are you so cruel?!?!?

Agree. My daughter has Aspergers..she is rarely late on dates and manages really well. Everyone is different though, whilst 1 may be flaky the other wont. This is people in general, Asperger's or not. OP why didn't you explain to her about her flakiness and how it makes you feel rather than punishing her?

I'm pretty sure the triathlete who is quadraplegic with limited movement in their arms and a person with quadraplegia who cannot even breath without a breathing tube would not agree that being quadraplegic has the same effect on everyone

I get you are pointing at behaviours not the physical impact but this does rather diminish quadraplegia to a one size fits all diagnosis where as there is a significant range to the condition

"Take revenge"

How are are you both?