AIBU - husband is angry/annoyed with me

[GreenSippyCup77]

I honestly am not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not, my brain’s a bit frazzled today. Will try to keep this concise!

So we have a 3 year old DS who has just been prescribed some antibiotics for an infection. We struggled all morning to get DS to take the medicine as it tastes foul. I was getting worried so decided to call 111 while dh was upstairs using the bathroom just to see if they could give any advice or if we could be given a different antibiotic. Dh was annoyed that I’d called 111 without talking to him about it first. I do understand where he’s coming from on this one, I just took the opportunity while DS was happy playing and I guess I was a bit panicky and felt like I needed to do something!

Then this afternoon I went to my parents house and left dh at home, which is pretty much our normal routine on a Saturday unless we’ve made any other particular plans. I explained to my parents how worried/exasperated I was that we couldn’t get DS to take his antibiotics so they helped me pin DS down and basically force the medicine into him. It wasn’t fun, but it worked and I messaged dh to let him know we’d managed to get some medicine into DS. He seemed happy when he replied.

Fast forward to me getting home this evening. I was talking through how our afternoon had been and how it wasn’t easy but we’d managed to get 2 doses of antibiotics into DS. Dh then out of the blue starts getting really angry, saying why did I wait until I went to my parents to try and force the medicine into DS. He was basically making it about him and saying I must think he’s incompetent and that I don’t involve him in things. I really am
struggling to understand where he’s coming from on this one. It wasn’t a case of that I waited until I was at my parents, it was honestly the only way I could get the medicine into him and I thought dh would be pleased I’d succeeded! Maybe I’m wrong so I’m interested to see what everyone else thinks! AIBU?

I had to pin DC1 down even for calpol. DC1 is now 21 and takes medication regularly with no issues.

When my ds was 2 he had to take antibiotics. I tried everything, bribery, hiding it in food, hiding it in drinks, spoon, syringe, forcing it down, nothing worked! I ended up in A&E with him as he got worse. I explained to the nurse about being completely unable to get these antibiotics down him and I could tell she thought I was just being too soft. She tried to pin him and force it down down, didn't work. She tried to do it with me holding him, didn't work. She called in another member of staff to help, nothing worked. She ended up saying that he was just too strong willed and gave him a suppository.

When my 3 year old had the really bad-tasting antibiotics, we went back to the chemist, who added flavoring, then let her choose which food colouring to add. Made a little routine, put a song on, set up water and a treat (usually a chocolate button) and did meds through syringe, clean mouth with water, then treat and celebrating. You can also make a checklist on your phone that kiddo can check off each time.

I guess the question is why does your dh need to be involved in all decisions you make? Is it just related to your child? Or is it a bigger issue than that. You have your own mind and don’t need to run everything by him. I think you need to turn the conversation around and ask him why he thinks that. Does he feel left out generally when it comes to your relationship with your child? Or is it something else?

OP dont worry about having to hold your child to give them medicine both my children were the same and the doc explained thats what needs to be done to help your child! Its not fun but its necessary! Also i dont agree with giving chocolate, often you have to give antibiotics several times a day and i wouldnt be happy with chocolate sitting on my childs teeth several time a day. My children are not emotionally damaged by this and take medicine now theyre a bit older without issue

three year olds sometimes need to be forced to do what they dont want to do. This is a fact of life. If you can't see this, then I hope and pray your children are never in my classroom. If they have been neglected and undisciplined to this extent, I will spend the year fielding complaints from other parents who don't want their children in the same room.

Making a child do something is not abuse - failing to make a child do something that is necessary is abuse. Are you going to leave a child in a filthy nappy because they don't want it changed? Are you going to leave a child in front of an aggressive dog because they don't want to be picked up? Are you going to allow a dangerous infection to take hold because a child does not want to take medication? Are you one of those parents who has to get removed from a plane because they can't make their child sit down and put a seat belt on?

My choices with unpleasant medical interventions are accept them or die. You don't always have a choice in life, and this is a three year old without a choice on taking antibiotics.

Your'e suggestion of a jam sandwich is worth a try, but will only work on a very easy compliant, and easily fooled child, less than 10% of the time, I would guess - and then of course, you can be accused of abusing a child by letting it eat jam sandwiches, which are a terrible diet choice and developing a taste for this sort of food is possibly going to lead to obesity and diabetes!

Try Calpol syringe - towards back of mouth to bypass the bitter receptors on the tongue. Could even put something tasty on the outside to further help (eg choc spread, ice cream)?

My eldest dgs is type one diabetic diagnosed at 4. We had to hold him to inject him daily for weeks at the beginning. If we hadn’t he would be dead so @DrJoanAllenby you can go fuck yourself.

I used to force medication into my niece who would have died without it. I just used to grab hold of her and put it in, no discussion, no emotion, no reaction to her screaming, kicking and biting. She is 28 now, and has thanked me repeatedly for it.

Is it flucloxacillin? No amount of disguising will cover the taste of that, it's vile. Pinning kids down for medically necessary treatment is a necessary evil sometimes, and faffing with trying to coat the tongue and get them to take it willingly often just draws it out and makes it worse. Pop it in a syringe out of sight, walk calmly up to them, tell them you need to give their medicine, either wrap in a towel or get a firm hold in your lap, syringe towards back of mouth but into cheek and do it smoothly and steadily. once done big cuddles and reassurance and offer some chocolate. Repeat as needed. Takes less than a minute and is far less distressing for everyone than spending hours negotiating and spitting it out. If medical professionals waited for all children to voluntarily consent to meds/medical procedures they'd never get anything done!

I wonder if DH feels he generally has a lack of input? Do you do all the decision making? Do you take charge of everything DS? If so, time to share the workload

Your response here is what’s truly awful.

YANBU
You asked for help from your parents, who’ve had a world of experience with bringing up kids in comparison to you and your dh. Life isn’t a competition. When your ds is better, I’d maybe explore why the outburst. Is he reactive in general or does he feel your parents interfere too much? Etc.

@GreenSippyCup77 Have you tried explaining the medication to your DS. My DS is 2 and recently had to take antibiotics which also tasted awful. He said he didn't like it but I explained that it would make him feel better and he accepted this. He would still say he didn't like it after each dose but I just kept explaining that it was making him feel better and he was fine with it.

@GreenSippyCup77 I don’t get why your DH isn’t viewing calling 111 as a good idea and why you had to “fully admit” to making a “mistake”.

Why would it be a mistake to call 111 and get some advice? It wasn’t as though you panicked, got in a tizzy and called 999.

And why would he get annoyed, as pp said for enlisting your experienced parents to help and moreover, succeeding?

For me this smacks of that your DH thinks you “should” be doing things differently, according to an unspoken set of rules and I’d want to know what these are and why.

I don't think it's a mistake to seek advice from 111 without discussing it with the child's father. Would you also need permission to use Google to find advice?

As for giving him antibiotics without his involvement when you weren't even in the same place. That's ridiculously controlling.

You could ask him what you should have done differently and I bet he wouldn't be abe to tell you.

Is he usually jealous of your DPs or negative about them being involved in your/your DC's life?

Why is he "really angry" about this? Mildly miffed isn't even an appropriate response. How is he expressing his anger?

Is he controlling in other ways?

As for giving him antibiotics without his involvement when you weren't even in the same place. That's ridiculously controlling.

Sorry. Should have previewed. It's ridiculously controlling to be angry with you about this.

How ridiculous! When my daughter was 18 months and in hospital , the nurse asked if I could give her the medicine as DD was refusing it from the nurse and getting hysterical. I quickly syringed it into the side of her mouth whilst pinning her gently down. DD was not hurt at all and it took 3 seconds. The nurse was very impressed and said she wished more parents were as efficient!

Is your DH usually controlling or is this a one off because he is anxious too and is latching on to something to be mad at?

Well, if you had been bothered to read this short thread, you would have found OP has been using a syringe all along.

This.

Use a syringe type applicator.

And wrapping them tightly in a towel or blanket can help.

Pinning them to give ABs is far preferable to a trip and stay in hospital for intravenous ones in a week when the infection has really taken hold. Don't be ridiculous, it's needs must. How blasé some of us have got about antibiotics and the vital job they have.

YANBU OP. Your husband has overreacted, it was just a case of trying different environments and people to see if that might encourage your DC to take the medicine. If he takes it as a personal affront, that's definitely a him problem!

sometimes you have to pin your child down and make them take their meds. Many times I have mixed medicines into foods or juices only for them to be detected and abandoned, so full dose not taken. Which is really worse in my opinion.

If he has form for this, then he's being controlling.

If he's generally a decent man, then it could be the stress of having a poorly child and the impotence in not being able to do anything to help. Still not ok to be shouty and angry so talk to him when things are calmer.

You know best which one it is.

Honestly ignore all the posters suggesting it's abuse. Sometimes it's necessary to force essential medicine especially if your child has sensory issues.
When my child was in hospital he had to have loads of different foul tasting medicine, not to mention the cannulas etc, and that was brutal to force down and almost all of them were non optional and he wasn't really eating. The nurses were basically saying well done for getting the medicine in as a lot of patients end up stuck in hospital longer than they need because they miss a lot of the medicine.