Hi there, I am new to this forum and hoping to get some perspective on a situation that has been upsetting me.
My (33F) husband (39M) and I have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids together. We have had arguments in the past about his social media usage - a couple of years ago, he subscribed to an OF model and kept making extremely sexual comments on her photos for the world to see but after we argued, he stopped following provocative accounts. (But some slip through the cracks)
He is always glued to his phone and the other day, he left Instagram open on his computer. I know I should not have snooped, but based on past experiences, I couldn't not look and found conversations with several women.
One woman in particular he has been messaging every single day for the past 10 months and ALL of their conversations are sexual. This woman lives on the other side of the world, looks like a supermodel, and has 25,000 followers but for some reason, she is following him back and the conversation is two-sided.
He has not hidden the fact that he is married and he has made reference to me throughout their conversations, but he is constantly bombarding her with pornographic sexual memes and jokes, they often chat about what sex act is depicted in the meme (his love of BJs/her saying it's a special skill she has - eyeroll ), their past sexual experiences, talking about their msturbation habits and what positions they like. He told her he bought a flshlifght because we only do it once a week, and she responded with drooling emojis.
He has "liked" many of her selfies, often of her face, in bikinis, or her laying provocatively in a towel, and he makes unnecessary innuendos about all of her posts and stories - example, IG model says that she is getting a facial at the spa, he comments that it "doesn't look like the exciting kind", IG model posts a plate of pineapple, he responds that he has heard that that makes certain fluids taste good.
She is not selling OF and seems to have a genuine interest in talking to him. Since having kids and with struggling with BDD anyway, my libido and confidence are already down so can't help but compare myself to this much more attractive woman.
In their latest/last conversation, she asked him if he has imagined what s*x would be like with her and he responded to say that he was happily married but thanks for asking.
She then responded to say that all this time she thought he was hitting on her based on his constant sexual messages and maybe he should stop if he is happily married, and he said that he had no intent behind them and he liked their conversations and shared interests.
(What shared interests? All they talk about is sex).
There are a couple of other women he is responding to frequently, but they don't appear to be really responding or giving him the time of day/he is not giving the same incessant attention.
Another account he follows seems to be a writer woman that he messages constantly but the messages are nonsexual and just general chatter, but still overly friendly for an internet stranger I think. When I confronted him , he said that he was just building friendships and that he had told the first woman that he was married and rejected her when she was inappropriate.
I have had abusive relationships in the past and sometimes I struggle to see things clearly. I am sure that he would not be messaging this woman daily with sexually charged comments and innuendos if he wanted to be her friend - and the frequency of the messages too!
Despite my upset he has not removed either women from his account. These are not longstanding female friends, they are online strangers. Is it just harmless flirting for his ego? Why would he be so persistent in messaging the first woman daily about explicit topics? I can't stop obsessing and going back and forth in my mind.