I've pushed him away. Please advise

[cherriess]

I've been chatting to man for a couple of weeks. Distance and busyness means we haven't been able to meet until now.
Through texting miscommunications , I asked him in a number of occasions if we were still meeting up the day after tomorrow.
He obviously got pissed off with me because he's text to say that despite him telling me on many occasions that we were indeed goi g to meet, that I kept asking and saying maybe we should leave it if not. He then said that maybe this is the best course of action.
I know I'm 100% at fault here . I have terribly hurt and have firm for pushing men away before I get rejected. I've really tried to take this man at face value and he seemed just so lovely and kind and funny.
I'm gutted . Probably because I've done this before many times .

I responded by apologising and saying that I recognised that this was all in my head and said I'd still very much like to meet ...
He hasn't responded yet but then again he never responds immediately , which is his texting habit .
Please advise.
Do I leave or at this now ?
I did not explain the ' why' of what I did.
I'm starting to explore this in therapy so it is timely .
I really thought there may have been something there .

I'd leave it and work on you . Doesn't sound you are ready for dating

I think you need to leave it; he's a stranger and doesn't need to hear about you being hurt and therapy etc before you've ever even met.

Good luck with the therapy; I've just started too and am hoping it helps.

Thanks .
I really need to sort this out because I am going to end up very alone. I really feel so terribly hurt and sad lately and now I've gone and done this .
So annoyed with myself.

What is it - did you ask him several times because of texting miscommunications or because you were afraid of being rejected and so pushed him away?

And is he lovely and kind, or did he get pissed off at you without having met you, and have a habit of letting you wait before he replied?

I think I pushed him away subconsciously . Fear of rejection. I probably wanted to test him .
That's his texting habit. Has been from the beginning

What was the miscommunication? From what you wrote, it sounds like there was no miscommunication but you kept asking over and over again.

Test what?

Honestly, if you’re playing games, this guy isn’t the one for you.

But you hardly know him. You haven't even met.

You're bestowing qualities on him which you can't possibly know, because you don't actually know him.

Maybe subconsciously you don't want to date.

What do you mean by "texting habit" and "miscommunication"? Did he leave big gaps between his texts which then made you anxious about his intention to meet you or not?

Re the texting style - if you're avoidant then maybe you were looking for someone who didn't seem super interested!

To me he sounds like the game-player, and rather impatient. And my opinion means a lot, as I know him almost as well as you ;)

You seem very keen to put yourself down. Maybe this "It's all my fault" is just part of that. Therapy seems a great idea, good on you for organising it.

There are so many serious issues with your entire line of thinking.

He's lovely and kind? You don't even know him. You want to "test" him? That's just playing mind-fuck games like a teenager.

You shouldn't be dating anyone until you sort yourself out because you are either going to end up in an abusive relationship or you're going to waste someone's time with your games.

I guess down to different dialects and turn of phrase, I didn't take him at Dave value.
I didn't intentionally test him but I definitely did looking back.
I'm just so disappointed , not even because our date is off, but because yet again I've let old hurts and old behaviours destroy potential.
I really did try to take him at face value but something in me thought he was being avoidant too.
I really appreciate all your replies because I clearly need help .

Yes I did keep asking over and over and he would say, in our last message , we'll see as it's too late ( on that say etc) so he never actually nailed down a time or a specific place but that we were going to meet on that day .

Slippery fish, huh? Maybe he's actually married, was just toying with the idea of an affair so was hesitant about naming a time and place, and eventually got cold feet about meeting up with you and used your uncertainty to explain why he was calling it off! Just as reasonable an idea as your explanation.

Meanwhile your mind is going into overdrive working out how to make this your fault. Sounds like it would be a good idea to have someone help you work through your feelings. But I'm not convinced this is about you self-sabotaging.

He may have been married.

Thanks @80s . He's definitely not married but yes there seemed to have been hesitancy in naming a date, place and time. A couple of weeks in now and after I suggested just leaving it if we weren't going to meet( despite him saying in a number of occasions that we were) he got irritated and as I said upthread, suggested we leave it.
Maybe that was his excuse to get ' out' f he'd met another.
I'm just so bloody sad. I've done this all my life . My exh left aswell and had an affair. My dad was absent due to alcoholism and my mother discontented so there's a lot to unpick.
I'm just hoping someday that someone special will love me and care for me as I seem to do all the caring for my family.
I just don't know how to start dropping this hyper independent strong , persona I seem to have created . My counsellor agrees with this theory about myself z
I really appreciate your continuing replies everyone.

You fear rejection so you do the very thing most likely to make that happen.

Why?

I don't know why really@fromaytobe . Maybe if I reject them first, they won't get the chance to hurt me ?
I don't have capacity for more hurt.

If you reject someone before they can reject you, then you don't get rejected. Common way of avoiding rejection!

Maybe what's happening here is that you feel rejected (even though that's highly questionable imho) and by saying that you were self-sabotaging, you're effectively saying that you MADE him reject you - making you the active party and not him?

Possibly a bit too complicated :D

Maybe he'll text you in a day or two?
Would you meet him if he did?

Big hug. Don't overcomplicate it. Step away from the phone. U are good enough. Someone worthy will see that. Enjoy this lovely Saturday afternoon. Xx

Yea possibly @80s . I am now wondering if had any intention of meeting me at all? He didn't go down the sexual suggestive route really as one comment that he made was ignored and while it wasn't rude or creepy, I think he would have liked to engage in that a little.

Definitely work on yourself first. I don’t think you have the emotional capacity to date yet. Ill
be honest if I’d set a date day with someone a week or so ahead and then they kept asking me if it was still on over and over, or should be cancel, I would also get pissed off and cancel so I can sympathise with him. But I do think you can get over this with therapy and time. Don’t rush to date until you feel confident in yourself

Thanks for the hug ... I really do feel the kindness and appreciate the kindnesses. A low day today but really because I'm waking up to who I am and the patterns that cause me such unhappiness .