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Original poster

I've pushed him away. Please advise

67 replies

cherriess · 20/04/2024 12:37

I've been chatting to man for a couple of weeks. Distance and busyness means we haven't been able to meet until now.
Through texting miscommunications , I asked him in a number of occasions if we were still meeting up the day after tomorrow.
He obviously got pissed off with me because he's text to say that despite him telling me on many occasions that we were indeed goi g to meet, that I kept asking and saying maybe we should leave it if not. He then said that maybe this is the best course of action.
I know I'm 100% at fault here . I have terribly hurt and have firm for pushing men away before I get rejected. I've really tried to take this man at face value and he seemed just so lovely and kind and funny.
I'm gutted . Probably because I've done this before many times .

I responded by apologising and saying that I recognised that this was all in my head and said I'd still very much like to meet ...
He hasn't responded yet but then again he never responds immediately , which is his texting habit .
Please advise.
Do I leave or at this now ?
I did not explain the ' why' of what I did.
I'm starting to explore this in therapy so it is timely .
I really thought there may have been something there .

OP posts:
80s · 20/04/2024 14:34

yes there seemed to have been hesitancy in naming a date, place and time
Which you could justifiably have got impatient about. He's turned it around and blamed you instead - when there is not even any need to blame anyone. A simple "you're right, let's call it a day" would have sufficed if he didn't want to meet up with a total stranger!

pikkumyy77 · 20/04/2024 14:38

Its hard recognizing that we have self destructive habits. Stop wondering about this fellow—there are no lessons learned here except you aren’t ready to date yet since you are entirely focused on playing and replaying a drama of suspicion and anxiety.

Go to therapy and work on yourself: DBT, IFS might be good for you. Look at your childhood and your family style. This dramaty, anxious, needy and self negating style was learned back then.

Original poster
cherriess · 20/04/2024 14:39

That's what's DBT and IFS please?

OP posts:
The34Bus · 20/04/2024 14:40

Hothotdamage · 20/04/2024 12:39

I'd leave it and work on you . Doesn't sound you are ready for dating

First reply nails it!

Shiningout · 20/04/2024 14:42

When you meet the right person op you wont need to chase after them and feel unsure, but you have to give yourself a chance as you could push away someone who you could be happy with. My relationship was a slow burner from his side but now he's worse than me for being over the top lovey dovey! I just felt insecure in the early stages which is natural but you do have to rethink things - let things develop, be yourself, if someone isn't giving you want you need then let them go. But realistically in the early stages expecially if they are talking to multiple other women online, you won't be able to get the level of communication and enthusiasm that you seem to want. It's tough online dating and you need a thick skin.

oberst · 20/04/2024 14:45

Have you written a similar post before this a while ago? I seem to remember with same username etc.

If so, I think I spoke to you about how I was very much the same for years and years.

I did the whole push and pull thing in relationships and always ended up pushing people away.

I had therapy and it helped me immensely. More so to work on myself and my confidence. But also there was deep rooted trust issues that needed exploring x

oakleaffy · 20/04/2024 14:54

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2024 13:02

There are so many serious issues with your entire line of thinking.

He's lovely and kind? You don't even know him. You want to "test" him? That's just playing mind-fuck games like a teenager.

You shouldn't be dating anyone until you sort yourself out because you are either going to end up in an abusive relationship or you're going to waste someone's time with your games.

Spot on.
@cherriess You sound like really hard work.
You have zero idea if he is “ Nice and kind” as you haven’t even met him.

Bombarding him with pestering texts is definitely going to send alarm bells ringing.

The Dating game is just that - doesn’t sound you are remotely ready for it.

It’s basically a meat market.

oakleaffy · 20/04/2024 14:55

Goodness knows why my phone made those hideous blocky letters

Fuckstix · 20/04/2024 14:57

Stop blaming yourself for this not happening. If he was serious about meeting he would have confirmed a time and place. No idea what was going on instead but he was faffing around.

If it happens again, don't chase, say 'ok then, let me know a time and place when you're free to meet!' and pull back from the chat. The key with OLD is to get it into real life ASAP. Don't entertain any hesitation to do so. No long chats before you meet, hours on the phone etc. it's not real until you have met in person.

In the meantime please work on yourself with therapy. You sound very fragile and ready to take the blame for anything not going to plan. Your confidence needs work.

Aussieland · 20/04/2024 14:58

Hmm. You sound like me 5 years ago. Yes you pushed him. But I learned that it turns out when you date someone trustworthy and nice you stop second guessing too…
I think you absolutely need to work on you and become more secure but he also sounds like he was not being particularly helpful and triggered some of those feelings.
Give yourself time and be kind and at some point it will click

FreeRider · 20/04/2024 14:59

Many moons ago I was talking to a guy online (for about a month) and like you, I kept pushing for us to meet up 'for real'...and like this guy, he kept saying he wanted to, but would always avoid setting a time/place. We didn't live that far apart from each other so it would have been simple.

I got very upset about it and in the end just dropped the ball, stopped initiating the chat to see if he would pick it up again. Of course he didn't. Never heard from him again.

I'd just leave it now.

fromaytobe · 20/04/2024 15:01

cherriess · 20/04/2024 14:18

I don't know why really@fromaytobe . Maybe if I reject them first, they won't get the chance to hurt me ?
I don't have capacity for more hurt.

Perhaps you need to work on that first then, before embarking on a new relationship? Your fear of getting hurt isn't uncommon, but it is currently stopping you from becoming emotionally involved with anyone.

dodobookends · 20/04/2024 15:05

cherriess · 20/04/2024 14:31

Thanks for the hug ... I really do feel the kindness and appreciate the kindnesses. A low day today but really because I'm waking up to who I am and the patterns that cause me such unhappiness .

Try not to feel low. One good thing is coming from this, which is you are now aware of what you are doing and why. That is the first step towards overcoming it. 🙂Hugs from me too.

(It took me 6 years before I was ready)

oakleaffy · 20/04/2024 15:11

Online dating is notoriously tough.
Married men posing as single men are common.

Someone I know does on line dating and the lies men tell are absolutely insane.

A Divorced, Childless Lawyer living in Chelsea turned out to be a man still living with his wife and three children in an ordinary area with a very ordinary job.
WHY lie?
They do.
An awful lot of married men on dating sites.

Secondstart1001 · 20/04/2024 15:36

It’s what a therapist would call self sabotage.

Original poster
cherriess · 20/04/2024 15:47

So he has replied and basically reiterated what I did ie... asked him loads if we were going to meet and then when he said we were I repeatedly asked him about where and when which he eventually suggested. It was a light hearted message and he finished off by asking me not I'm an over thinker?
How do I even reply to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
cherriess · 20/04/2024 17:33

Anyone please?

OP posts:
The34Bus · 20/04/2024 17:37

“It is just possible that I am an overthinker😅”

Secondstart1001 · 20/04/2024 17:39

How about a jokey reply like “ yes slightly “.. or something like what pp said. Ok well he hasn’t blocked you ..there maybe a possibility that you do have that date! Good luck!

TheShellBeach · 20/04/2024 17:52

Just reply that you're looking forward to meeting him.

And leave it at that. There is no need to write anything else.

LostSocksBrigade · 20/04/2024 17:56

Sorry but I really disagree with some people here. If I had set a date to meet with someone I would also want to know where, when, what etc. He had zero intention of meeting you which is why he wouldn't nail those down. You might have your own issues, but the drip feed on the post has meant people have blamed you, but I think your anxiety around it was justified. He messed you around and because he had no intention of meeting you he blamed you as an out. He was probably married or a catfish.

Original poster
cherriess · 21/04/2024 10:48

Thanks.
So he's definitely not a catfish or married as I've done the homework.
He has however been in touch a bit.
I apologised and he said there was no need for an apology but didn't elaborate on why I did what I did . I kept it simple . We chatted about our day.
He hasn't mentioned rescheduling the date.
Do I just leave this now ?
Feels like we are going into pen pal territory.

OP posts:
Darhon · 21/04/2024 10:53

So he said a day he would meet but then wouldn’t confirm a place of time and you tried to clarify. That’s standard, he’s a dick who wasn’t interested in setting a date. Move on. Only communicate for a max for a week before a date. Move on if they can’t meet you within 1-2 weeks of first contact. Arrange a short first date in a public place that you can arrange your own transport to and from. Join the dating thread on here. Don’t get overly invested in anyone in early stages.

Original poster
cherriess · 21/04/2024 11:21

I'm close to deleting him altogether. He's presenting as a flake.

OP posts:
80s · 21/04/2024 11:24

I would have been tempted to reply "No, the issue is definitely that you are an underthinker" and block him. He's never met you and is putting you down! Overfamiliar, arrogant behaviour.

Not sure why you apologised. He wouldn't give you a time or place, you tried to pin him down, he shut you up by getting annoyed and criticising you.
I wouldn't even want to be penpals with someone who behaved like this.