Keep Flirting A LOT when i go out

[flirty]

It's happening more and more.
And goes just a lttle bit too far each time.

I love my dh and am happy. I'm happy with my family and my life.

I go out with my girlfriends (every few weeks. Its been more since nov when my friend's dd and my dd got older and were sleeping better) and when I do I just always end up talking to good looking blokes. They come up to me or i go over to them. Not always alone, with my friends too.

I can only think i do this because i miss feeling sexy and fanciable to strangers. I used to love 'going out on the pull' when i was younger and not trying to sound big headed, never was without male attention.

Now I'm a mum and married I just feel like nobody will ever make me feel desirable in the same way again.

dh does fancy me and tells me a lot. He's affectionate to. Great dad, and friend. I do fancy him. But its a different feeling when i'm out and its a stranger.

I also have issues with my self esteem. Never think i'm pretty enough or attractive enough.
But thats odd too as I have loads of confidence generally and everyone would say i'm outgoing , chatty and confident. I am i suppose, as i go over to these guys and never think they wont fancy me. But I think I must do this to make me feel attractive, i.e, 'I must be nice as I know you want me' etc.

Not sure why i'm posting. Just wondered what you thought.

Been thinking about this a lot recently.

well there is not minding and pretending to not mind

you dont really sound like you want to stop

do myou want to? if so just dont do it..go and see a film or paint toe nails or have a spa night or something women do or learn italian

If it's bothering you it probably ain't right. Sorry to sound preachy - it's just I did this with my last marriage and once you get into a pattern of this it's never enough, and the need just increases, as do the actions. Is dangerous territory. With DP was determined not to repeat same mistakes, and have not. Is not to say I don't enjoy going out and chatting etc but I know the difference between doing it as someone said in an 'I still got it way' and an 'I need this to make me feel good' way. Concentrate on the relationship you have now and making it more interesting and exciting etc. You'll have a lot of fun trying that anyway!

He would be hurt if he'd seen me on friday. And last time.
And if he read those messages i got. i deleted them.
I'm a cow
I know I am.

Thing is I love our family and love being together. I never feel like i wish I wasn't here. But i also love getting dressed up and being fancied. sad i know.

well when you have asked him for attention in a club he has not given it to you
so I think you should have a big proper tal with him and say that you really need him to be more flirty with you and give suggestions of how and when he could do this

I think you should play some silly games like strip poker or something
and go to a club by yourselves where you don't know anyone so that you can snog and he won't stand with his mates

it isn't sad to want it but it is dangerous to do it if it affects the trust and respect in your relationship

you love him, find something else in your life you can become passionate about (like f&z said earlier).

You're not a cow, you just need to be careful. Is good to take stock while you don't have anything to reproach yourself for x

You lot always say sensible things.

And I know these are the right things to do.

Last time I went out I said 'i'm going to be good' and my sis was there and she'd stand for no nonsence other than chatting etc. But this guy started talking to me and being suggestive and he was HOT and then i ended up talking to him all night etc.

I think I've just got really used to him. And the exciting bit is the different ness of the hot guys.

Its lovely to be so comfy with him and I want him to be with me forever but I just cant help feeling the need to be wanted. I only feel like this when i'm out with the girls. Not when its just us at home or out together. Maybe I need to feel i'm as good as all the pretty girls in the bar/club etc. I know i'm not so dont really get why i get attention.

it's just a fantasy though. the reality isn't much fun i imagine. try to find something else to direct you feelings to. easier said than done though probably. maybe write something.

Writing it on here helps.

Myabe we should have a night away. Where we can go out just us where we are with strangers.

We've not been away alone since ds was 1 and he's 5 now.

We can't afford it tho. Soon maybe.

Sorry if I seem a bit tactless, but do you think that aside from being fancyable, you come across as a bit, erm. um. desperate? Desperate women do get a lot of male attention, as the blokes seem to think they will "get some", they think "oh here is an easy catch, let me work her abit, and will get a good shag by married woman in return". There are lots of other ways to increase your self esteem, without getting male attention. As your beauty fades, because it will, it is nice to be able to feel good about yourself because of your skills. Learn Italian. Do arts classes, expand your mind! You have so much ahead of you, and so much exciting you can do!

I hope not. I sometimes think they may be interested cos of the married woman challenge.
I don't think I act desperate. How do i know though. Oh god that would be even worse. And

I just am out with my friends, then start chatting and thats that. Not with every bloke, only the odd one.

flirty i think i can relate. i also love my dh, my life my family. i am almost 30 (and recently got carded ;-) when i went out, and i am a huuuuge flirt. i just cant help it. i dont ever plan to do it, i just love being social and getting good looking blokes attention, and so on and so on.

my dh is also quite flirty. not as blatantly flirty as me, he is more of a charmer. i have thought of this in great detail. i think, if he were to flirt with some girls when he is out the same why i flirt when i go out, it would be ok, because the truth it, i just do it for the attention, and the fun, and because i like it. and for him it would probably be the same - ie no intention for somehting to actually happen.....

I've had similar discussions with dh this weekend. I have been to a weekend course on which he teaches (residential). He likes to stay up late drinking with his colleagues (female!). I explained to him that he likes them making him feel good. You are perfectly happy with your partner but people who don't know you inside out still have you up on a pedestal and make you feel good about yourself. I think deep down we all crave this attention. I explained to my husband that I too would love to stay up drinking with my male colleagues who might make me feel good about myself. I said who wouldn't? He was quite surprised at this. I think he probably felt it was just something he liked doing. He said don't be ridiculous. Everyone loves people to love them. Why should he have the opportunity of staying up drinking late and I don't (in room with kids) just to have the feel good factor? Probably mid life crisis with him - don;'t know. I suppose I'm saying I don't think it is abnormal behaviour at all. We would all love to do it and be made to feel good. But one thing I said to him was if I could hear the conversations they have or if I walked into the room would I be happy with hearing what was being said or would my presence change the dynamics of the situation. If yes then it is not all innocent and then not appropriate.May be you could apply this to your situation?

the thing is we work together, and go out togehter and do everything together, so at least i am always flirting when he is around. he knows thats how i am. he thinks its funny. he is very confident so i think he knows how much i care for him.

one time we were out at a bar near work and he went back to work in the office. i flirted with someone while he was gone for hours. after i thought about this.

i came to the conclusion that i am just trying to get some creative juices for fantasizing. fantasy is something you dream up and it can be extremely vivid and satisfying, but not something you really want to happen.

it is very important to take a step back and run a scenario in your head where something ends up happening with some hot bloke, and say, your dh finds out, and he reacts horribly. that will help you think about why flirting is about a fantasy and you dont really want it.

it is also important to set limits for yourself because sometimes when we are drunk it is hard to put our brain (and heart) ahead of our physiology.

flirty, please don't take this the wrong way but you sound really immature when talking about your 'flirting'. As said before by other members, as long as it feels fine and your dh would be comfortable with it, then it's fine...but clearly this isn't the case as you feel uneasy and guilty to some extent by what you're doing.

How come that a young and clever woman like you is so emotionally immature that you need compliments and attention/approval from male strangers? You're close to 30, not 15...

I cannot find the right words to describe your affliction but I think you should start to ask yourself WHY you need these men to make you feel great about yourself. Do you have no self-esteem?

I totally agree with QuintessentialS. Learn something new, a skill, a hobby, something that people will know you for and allows you to discover hidden talents within you. Something to make you proud of yourself. Seeking external affirmation in the way you do is unhealthy and emotionally damaging as it'll turn you into a vacuous person and as your looks fade you will get desperate and depressed.

Thanks guys

Usually its just flrty small talk and thats that. Only a few times have they said more ruder stuff. I just sort of go along with it. I always say i'm married and have 2 kids etc. Straight away.
They can never believe it and always think i'm younger and don't believe I have 2 children. That must make me feel good!

I suppose I could be worse. I just dont want it to go too far (friends wouldn't let that happen, they always keep me in check) or to become too important to me. As I said I only feel like this when I'm out with my friends.

Can I ask you something, Flirty?
It is only that your thread makes me think about another poster (I havent seen her a while, though), and she had the same flirting affliction. Only, she was flirting with women. Are you and her the same poster? If so, it somewhat changes things a little.

I think what you actually might find helpful is having a talk with your partner about what boundaries work for both of you. Because not only is monogamy not obligatory, but different people have different places where they draw the line and feel a partner has crossed over into 'cheating'. Some people would change the locks if their partner so much as shook hands with anyone 'else', other people like swinging and watching their partners have sex with a group of other people: the most anguish is always caused when people drift into (and later out of) monogamy without actually checking that both of them not only want it but agree on what it is.

But I do also think there is something in what other people have said in you maybe needing to learn a skill or something, to start thinking of yourself as having more than just t&a to offer.

Alexa808 I dont know about my self esteem.

When i was in secondary school I was not happy with myself atall. i had no boobs, braces, glases and hated my nose. I felt so ugly. I 'loved' this boy at school for years and he teased me and never liked me.
At about 16 my braces came off, I grew taller and got some breasts. I felt so much better and got much more attention. Then the same boy started to like me and I was way over him. He persued me for years and it made me feel really attractive. I think my school days really affected me.

I never had a boyfriend till I was 17 and then I only went out with him cos he asked me.
after him i was fine.

QS deffo not flirting with women!!!!

I just had to check if you were her, as there were some things she said on this topic which would have bearing, but as you are not her, never mind! [smnile]

Nothing wrong with flirting with women. I do that. Sometimes.

Keep flirting, is good for the soul.

madamez, dh would consider kissing as cheating. I dont want to cheat on him. But sometimes feel I'd love to kiss someone else. While they're chatting me up. And making me feel sexy.

he has said he'd like to go to amsterdam and go to a sex club with me though. we watch porn together sometimes too. Only during sex. Not always.