I don't know how to stop being a selfish brat...

[Ihatethis]

My relationship with my mum is driving me mad. Literally. I have been depressed all most non stop since childhood. I started self harming around 10 and haven't really stopped (although have moved through different kinds).

I want to live my own life, but I can't get her to stop. I don't know how.

She controls where i live (she owns half the house, we pay her rent as she can't afford to let us fuck up the bills etc as I am too feckless to trust - her words). We are having a huge battle over wanting to move atm. Long saga, but I am being selfish again. Her opinion is that it would be better for tbem and ds if we (me ds and dp) moved closer to them. I don't want to as it owuld isolate me and dp from everything (friends, job, dp's family more) and we would be more reliant on my parents, which I don't want. I want ot move to another area (other side of town) closer to dp's family. But she refuses to travel there as it would be further - I am not that bothered by this as I go to see htem, not the other way round anyway. There are other issues as well. I have said no a undred times, but more and more she convinces me about how selfish and ungrateful I am being.

When I take ds round she changes his clothes (She doesn't like what I put on him), she has more toys/clothes/stuff for him there than we do at home. Presents that come from family have to be opened and left htere as we woudln't look after them properly.

I do take advantage of this - I have never made an appt for myself (e.g. drs dentists) because she does it (in her opinion, I wouldn't get round to it, I would do it wrong). I have no confidence to do anything myself. I know I would do it all wrong. She does know me better than anyone. She knos what I am capable of and in her opinion I am not capable of this stuff.

They (my parents) have given up so much for me and my sis. They do so much for me. I know I wouldn't have survived without them and yet I feel resentful. I want to do things myself, even if I sometimes make mistakes.

I know she only does this cos she wants me to be happy, but I'm not.

She has sacrificed her time, her energy etc and I am not happy, I am not grateful enough, and I want to do stuff myself. I try and then the first mistake or problem proves to her I can't do it.

I am a spineless freak. I hate arguments (you don't have quiet reasoned discussions with my parents), I know it would be hard work. But to take it on would be to constantly let her down (not that I don't do that anyway).

She buys me clothes (We can't afford htem) and then wants to wash them herself because I can't be trusted to look after them. But why would I do that? She has enough to do without that and it would become something else to show how awful I am.

She went abroad for the month and phoned me every day (ds hair was too short, I shouldn't be driving out of town - she phoned my aunt to try and get her to take me, but aunt wasn't too happy and I didn't want her to). But the time she was away was the happiest time of my life. Though I worried about it for months beforehand (she otld me I would never cope - I refused to go with them).

I have no confidence in my own abilities - in anything. But I know people would give their right arm for the amount of help I get.

So tell me I;m a spineless wonder, that I should accept it.

The worse thing about this is I know standing up to her means hurting her feelings.

I really don't want to do that.

I have caused her so much unhappieness and I can't bear to cause her more

No you should not accept it, but sadly, change has to come from you.

you can either continue to let her run your life, or you can break away. Her happiness is not worth more than yours and her feelings about how you manage your life are her own problem!

First thing you need to do is to understand that she does not have the right to control your life.

I think you need some professional support - a counsellor. This sounds like something so deep that you'd really need some good help to overcome it.

Thank-you.

When I tell dp some of hte things she has done, that I think are fine and normal he goes mental. THat was the first time I started thinking that maybe other people's parents loved them as much as mine did me, even without doing all this stuff.

I think you're right about the counselling I can't even begin to know what's reasonable and what's wrong.

That scares me.

You have no confidence or belief in yourself as your mother has undermined it at every chance. I think sh has serious control issues and you would be MAD to move closer to her and isolate yourself further.

I think you need to try to cut those apron strings she is holding on to so tightly. It is not normal behaviour on her part. To control what your son wears, where you live, washing your clothes, etc., etc. It dson't sound to me so much as you causing her unhappiness but the other way round.

Why do you self harm? Why have you no confidence? Why were you happiest when she was away?? These things are linked nad hte common denominator is your over bearing mother. Your life is YOURS to lead, not hers. I would take a good long hard look at what she does for you and how it makes you feel. I don't think she is doing it from the goodness of her heart, but from a wish to control what you do, where you go and how you live your life.

Look at yourself - you manage to raise your child, give yourself some credit for being able to make decisions and look after your family. What does your DP make of her??

Hope someone has better advice, I couldn't leave you blaming youself for not being 'good enough' though. Being subservient is not the same as being a good daughter. You have a right to live your life and enjoy yourself however you chose....

I think it's perfectly normal not to know what's 'reasonable' in this sitaution. This is your experience - it's hard to think outside our own experience, which is where counsellers can be really helpful

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but I think getting an impartial perspective is a very good idea. Do you have siblings at all?? If so, does she treat you all the same??

She and dp don't get on - they stay out each others way.

Dp sees her at christmas, but rarely otherwise (I go there 4 times a week at least and speak to her on the phone basiclaly every day - she worries if I don't).

At christmas something clicked when dp went to mend something and didn't check somehting else (he hadn't touched) was still working. Me and my dad were so scared, because dp didn't see the point in doing it 'just incase'. We managed to argue him round in the end, but I remember looking at him thinking 'why doesn't he realise how bad this is'. And then I realised I was shaking.

At home if dp ever shouts or gets annoyed (which is rare- he's very laid back) I can't move. I hide and don't move and can't do anything until he calms down. I am terrifyed and I don';t know why.

SHe wants me and ds to move in with her as then she could look after us properly. She doesn't care about my or ds relationship with dp. SInce ds came alone, dp is just someone who gets in the way for her. Dp really coulnd't give a shite, adn I don't understnad why. I coudln't bear her ot think that about me.

I have a younger sis.
She is exactly the same with her, except they argue more cos sis likes a good fight and is very stubborn - even she ends up giving in on major issues though.

Except sh eisn't speaking to mum much at mo, cause she interfered in sis job and sis is fuming.

Your family unit is now you, your partner and your DS. You need to work things out as a family, so talk to your DP and see if he has any ideas on how to sort this. I haven;t experienced your situation, but I would think your priorites are:

1. Get self-sufficient (or have a plan for doing so). Can you buy her out of her half of the house? Or can you sell up your share and move? Would this be possible in a year's time?

1. Stop feeling responsible for her. You say your parents have sacrificed so much for you - well, that was their choice as parents. You're grown up now, and ready to make your own choices. If her behaviour is affecting your ability to have a happy and settled life, that is HER problem and not yours. You might want to think about talking to her about this, or writing a letter, or even giving an ulimatum if/when you are in a position to do so.

People only treat you the way you allow them too.

This sounds as if your mum has no life of her own.

I have no family help at all and would love sometimes to just be taken care of - so i can see how hard it is for you to refuse her help.

In fact i do worry that i could end up being like your mum!!! We all only want the best for our children.

But she must let you make your own mistakes. You know you can cope as you did when she was away.

Get some stength and slowly try to do more for yorself. Why not sart with the dentist and doctor appointments - that does seem a bit wierd.

It aso sounds as if your mum is keeping you 'trapped' by your lack of money. Buying you clothes - you could always buy your own even if they were second hand.

Get some control over your life and i am sure you will feel happier.

You have to remember it's YOUR life not hers...as others have said please try to get support,then you need to take a break from her controlling ...I know its hard and you may feel guilty or that you are making a big mistake, you think about what she has said to you in the past over and over in your mind and this has undermined you self-confidence made you doubt your own choices..but at the end of the day you have to live and make your own mistakes...this doesn't mean you don't love her...this is natural...I hope everything works out for you (((hugs)))

For whatever reason she is controlling you.

Ihatethis - My parents are nice but they still used to think I was incapable of running my own life. I got very depressed and attempted suicide. Whilst I was laying in the hospital bed I realised that living my life to please others was what was making me unhappy. And trust me, no one in my family was pleased that I'd just tried to kill myself.

So I decided that no matter how badly my parents wanted to "take care of me", I would make my own failures and mistakes. Once I took control of my life, my anxiety and depression graudually went away.

I just did something small every day that got me out of my comfort zone. It was probably more scary for my parents looking back but they are much happier now that I'm confident and independant.

You need to separate yourself from your parents more, for your children's sake not just your own. If your mother is telling you that you are not capable, your kids won't have respect for you and she will probably tell them the same thing and they won't have any confidence either.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? Because if you're over 18, this is not a normal relationship.

thanks very much for these messages. I have not posted this before because it wasn't what I expected. I didn't expect people to be nice about it.

I will sit down and talk to dp tonight. I am so unhappy - not with him or ds - they make things better.

Last time I went ot my dr even she suggested I go to stay at my mum's - to let her look after me.

No one realises all this in RL. She tells them I make her do this stuff and that I throw it back in her face.

I don't want it. I want to do it myself.

It's hard cos I know how much she has stuggled and fought for stuff, and how mainly she doesn't want me and sis to have ot go through what she did.

Maybe you could try and make a list.
List all the things that you would like to change about yours and your mums relationship, and put the one that you would like to change the most at the top.
Once you have your list, next to each item, write how you would be able to change that thing.
Maybe then things wont look so bad for you, and you'll see that any changes you'd like to make are actually do-able , and things may start to look brighter.

I also recommend a councellor, either on your own or with dp, but I think on your own perhaps.

My heart goes out to you.

I'm 25.

I feel about 6.

You need to find some big scissors and cut those apron strings now, they are suffocating you.

your mother is controlling you, this is not loving behaviour. You can't change her unfortunately but you can change yourself. Easier said than done I know, but I bet if you just didn't do what she said (no arguing, just a confedent no) she would be so shocked that you'd get away with it!

You're letting her control your life, but you know what, you don't have to. What's the worst that can happen?

You're not a selfish brat, you're an independant woman who has the right to m\ke youown decisions about life and your family.

The worst that could happen would that she would be devestated.

And that is what owuld happen.

And I'd hate it.

I've thought about killing myself - alot over the years. But the idea that it wuold fail and she would find out is worse than living.

I couldn't do that to her.

The fact that you and your dad are so scared of your mum speaks volumes. You will never live up to her expectations and I suspect nothing will ever be good enough for her. She plays the martyr by claiming you are making her do all this running around for you, thereby painting you as the bad daughter. As musicgirl said you will never be happy whilst trying to live your life to please your mother. Your sound happy with your DP & DS - concentrate on them, they are your most important family at the moment.

I think a list is a very good idea. Writing down how your mother makes you feel and reading it back at a later date can be a very good way to achieve objectivity. Also if your DP is supported, bring him in on the list. He would be able to lend you insight into the differences between your backgrounds. Ditto talking to friends - do you have any that know your mother and her behaviour??

I also know it has to change.

I don't have a life, I survive from day to day.

My parents odn't really have a social life. I know it's cos they're too busy cos of me, because of the pressures I put on them.

My mum told me sis was worried about going to her with probs because she was so busy with me. She told me that wasn't fair.

I hate making my sis feel like htat even though we don't hav emuch of relationship.

Ihatethis - I think that you need to try to reduce the amount of contact you have with your mother, even if she does worry. By getting you to tell her what you are doing each day she is able to control you. Get an answerphone so you can screen your calls. This may seem harsh but your mother obviously has boundary issues and you need to take back control of your life.

She's in charge of how she reacts to your behaviour though, not you. If she's devastated it's because sh's chosen to be. She'd soon get over it.

Why are you putting her feelings before your own? You are not responsibly for how she feels, she's just manipulated you into thinking this and that is cruel and unkind of her. If she really cared about you she'd want you to be happy, and would have given you the confidence to run your life independantly. Her behaviour is very destructive bue's chosen that. Let her be devastated. What's the worst that can happen? She'll be upset for a while, she'll get over it. And if not, that's her problam, not yours.

Agree with musicgirl too, start limiting the contact, from daily to every other day and then less and less. If she worries it's her problem, not yours.