I don't know how to stop being a selfish brat...

[Ihatethis]

My relationship with my mum is driving me mad. Literally. I have been depressed all most non stop since childhood. I started self harming around 10 and haven't really stopped (although have moved through different kinds).

I want to live my own life, but I can't get her to stop. I don't know how.

She controls where i live (she owns half the house, we pay her rent as she can't afford to let us fuck up the bills etc as I am too feckless to trust - her words). We are having a huge battle over wanting to move atm. Long saga, but I am being selfish again. Her opinion is that it would be better for tbem and ds if we (me ds and dp) moved closer to them. I don't want to as it owuld isolate me and dp from everything (friends, job, dp's family more) and we would be more reliant on my parents, which I don't want. I want ot move to another area (other side of town) closer to dp's family. But she refuses to travel there as it would be further - I am not that bothered by this as I go to see htem, not the other way round anyway. There are other issues as well. I have said no a undred times, but more and more she convinces me about how selfish and ungrateful I am being.

When I take ds round she changes his clothes (She doesn't like what I put on him), she has more toys/clothes/stuff for him there than we do at home. Presents that come from family have to be opened and left htere as we woudln't look after them properly.

I do take advantage of this - I have never made an appt for myself (e.g. drs dentists) because she does it (in her opinion, I wouldn't get round to it, I would do it wrong). I have no confidence to do anything myself. I know I would do it all wrong. She does know me better than anyone. She knos what I am capable of and in her opinion I am not capable of this stuff.

They (my parents) have given up so much for me and my sis. They do so much for me. I know I wouldn't have survived without them and yet I feel resentful. I want to do things myself, even if I sometimes make mistakes.

I know she only does this cos she wants me to be happy, but I'm not.

She has sacrificed her time, her energy etc and I am not happy, I am not grateful enough, and I want to do stuff myself. I try and then the first mistake or problem proves to her I can't do it.

I am a spineless freak. I hate arguments (you don't have quiet reasoned discussions with my parents), I know it would be hard work. But to take it on would be to constantly let her down (not that I don't do that anyway).

She buys me clothes (We can't afford htem) and then wants to wash them herself because I can't be trusted to look after them. But why would I do that? She has enough to do without that and it would become something else to show how awful I am.

She went abroad for the month and phoned me every day (ds hair was too short, I shouldn't be driving out of town - she phoned my aunt to try and get her to take me, but aunt wasn't too happy and I didn't want her to). But the time she was away was the happiest time of my life. Though I worried about it for months beforehand (she otld me I would never cope - I refused to go with them).

I have no confidence in my own abilities - in anything. But I know people would give their right arm for the amount of help I get.

So tell me I;m a spineless wonder, that I should accept it.

It sounds like an abusive relationship TBH. She is hurting you by her actions. There are a few threads on here about toxic parents - have a look and see if there are any similarities (or start a new thread).

I thin there are some books about this as well.

Ooh dear, that doesn't sound good. Your mother has a very inappropriate way of showing her love, in my opinion, and I'm not surprised some people question whether it is love at all. I firmly believe that a parent's most important job is to bring up independent children who are capable of looking after themselves. After all, excuse me if this is a bit blunt, but our parents are older than us and in the normal course of things they die before us. Then what do we do? We learn - fast - or starve!

Your mother may believe she is demonstrating her love for you, but she is preventing you from growing up. She treats you more like a doll than a real live woman - yes, woman, not little girl - you've had a child yourself, for goodness' sake. You are entitled to your own space, your own choices. Help is good, we all need help sometimes. But undermining your confidence as a human being is exactly the opposite of what she should be doing. The truth is, you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and your child in partnership with your DP; to cook, clean, call doctors etc, possibly even (gasp) get a job. The only reason you louse up is lack of practice. We all have a right to make mistakes, try again, get it right. Our parents can't do everything for us and they shouldn't even want to.

Thinks: deep psychological theory of how OP's mother was brought up by her own mother. Repeating her own smothering upbringing? Over-compensating for neglect? Sounds like a fascinating case study.

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward/dp/0553814826/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12069 65324&sr=8-1

my best mate knows about my mum. SHe's seen it all. SHe doesn't have a mum though - or any parents.

However, I cut off contact with her for a long time because she was almost exactly hte same and it took me years to realise. She's a lot better now thoguh.
I get th impression her mum (who I never met, as she was dying at time) was similar.

I have had so many friends (who I have now cut off) who were very similar to my mum. Only since I had ds have I managed to cut them off.

A lot of the problem is me though - I am very passive, I let people do stuff like this, because i hate confrontation or arguing. My dad is the same to a certain degree. I was terrified of everything as a child - so oversensitive from birth and I think this led my mum to be so protective of me.

Sis has caught the backlash, which really isn't fair on her.

Goodness poor you. You don't sound selfish at all, you're playing this role to try and keep your mother happy, who sounds like an utter control freak.

You need to be buying your own clothes and making your own appointments and going where and when you want to. You have no control and that's a very frightening place to be.

I think you definitely need some counselling to work out some boundaries. You could also do with some confidence building and assertiveness to help you understand where you end and she begins and how to be clear and calm and assertive - and let her take responsibility for her feelings - it's not up to you to play this game anymore.

It sounds like it will be very hard to unravel, but you must start now, you're missing out on too much, it's very unfair of her.

There's an interesting anecdote in "How to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" (a parenting book if you haven't come across it) where (I think) the author's Grandma talks approvingly about a woman saying "she's a great mother - the things she doesn't do for that child".

And she's absolutely right. It is our job as parents to ensure our children can go out into the world aged 18 (even if they're still living at home) as fully fledged adults. Fussing around you to the extent that your mother does is not good parenting. I should feel a failure if I was still making my children's appts when they were 25 tbh.

Agree with everyone who has said speak to a counsellor and also to think that DP and DS are your immediate family now. You are not incapable, neither are you a selfish brat. You are an adult who wants to live your own life and make your own decisions. That is normal and natural. Your situation is abnormal and unnatural.

Anyway, you posted on MN for help, which shows you're incredibly resourceful, so you've taken the first step

Why would she be devastated?? Because you said 'no'?? Because she loses control over you??

Can you see how that is not a good enough reason....you are admitting contemplating suicide because she makes you feel so bad, and yet you are afraid to make your life better because it will upset her?? It is not a healthy balance.

I think you need your DPs support on this to decide how you want to change things. I think moving nearer to his parents would be a good thing. I also think taking back control of the samller things would be a good idea too - start making your own appts, pay your own bills, buy and wash your own clothes. Why do you go over four times a week?? You could cut back to once. Try baby steps and gradually weaning her off you.

It sounds like you are scared shitless, tbh. You need to find strength to grow with YOUR family and do the things YOU want to do. Grow your sons hair long if you want. Dress him in pink if he wants. Relax, have a laugh, live a little. Good luck!

Your sister sounds like she is coping fine TBH

This is NOT your fault. Bineg 'passive' (sounds like a coping strategy to me) is no reason for another adult to interfere with your life!

Concentrate on your own life, your happiness, your family. What lessons do you want your DS to learn? How do you want your relationship with your DP to develop?

I recognise the picking friends who are like your mother thing - the difference is it took me a lot longer to realise it . I think you're doing really well to confront this at all, so pat yourself on the back and get help for the next stage

Agree with Overmydeadbody & musicgirl. Call screening good idea too!

Believe me IHT she will get over it!...actually she might even have to start looking at herself and her life...and perhaps time away from her will give you the confidence to be truthful and honestly tell her how she makes you feel...you are not a bad person you need to do this for yourself and your family...

You will survive without your mother's help. Financially and otherwise.

She is a martyr and very controlling. This is her problem not yours.

It must be very confusing for your son to have to change clothes when going to his granny every time.

Ultimately if you want your relationship with your mother to change you are going to have to make it happen.

Sounds to me like you would have the support of your dh, ds, your sister, your father (?) and mumsnet. That is a really good start.

Surprisingly one place I am confident is work.

My parents have given me strong work ethic.

I love my job - mum thinks I should have aimed higher. But there is a career path in my job and it's worthwhile. I can see the results (I work in the public sector).

It's not a degree level job thoguh. And they put themselves out even further to support me when I went to uni.

I had ds very young and that was a shock and disappointment to them - though they adore ds.

I hate it when they run down my dp (though they have stopped mostly now) in front of him and I'd hate him to think all this was normal.

Ds is like dp, and would be completely stifled by this. I hate to do the same to him.

I feel guilty that I actually get on better wiht ILs than with my parents. THat I prefer to go on holiday with them as it is relaxing, not stressful.

I get on better with my in-laws as well . It's not that unusual...

In almost all of your posts you have made excuses for her. Stop doing this. Stop justifying her behaviour.

It doesn't matter that you are passive, I don't believe that excuse myself, I bet you are passive as a result of your upbringing. You hate confrontation and arguing for a reason!

So did your mum tell you where oversensitive from birth? Perhaps it was her way of ealing with you that made you like this rather than the other way round?

It's not surprising at all - it's the one place where your Mother has no influence on your life. This shows that under your passive exterior (agree with whoever said this is a coping mechanism) there is a perfectly capable adult who lacks practice at certain things, nothing else.

and if you're confident at work (and obviously a valued employee), you're perfectly capable of managing your home life as well. Maybe think of it as a project? How would you address it if it were a work problem (or prob with a work relationship)?

I can't believe you are all being so nice. It was not what I expected.

I am extremely passive to the point where I can shut down completely. I gave up talking for over a year (without realising) and although have never been that bad again - I cannot even speak when I get stressed.

I am going to start doing this as I have got to the point now of no return. I have to do something.

Well, that's a very un-passive decision to make

I would say that your passivity is a reaction to the way your mother is, not the cause. Stop blaming yourself for how she treats you.

You are not incapable, as you have proven - you are raising a son, have a DP, can drive, live quite a normal life I should think if allowed. Passivity can be a good thing, although not great when it comes to standing up to people. You have to stop your mother riding roughshod over your life and the first thing to do is to limit her contact until you find strength to do what ever you choose to do after that.

If you stand back and look at your life when are you happiest??

a) at home with your family left to your own devices, or

b) when you visit her, & watch her taking control of your son, you, your life.

Which scenario makes you happy, tense, anxious, smiley...etc.? Use that to build how you would like to live your life from now on....

Your sister has evidently made a step towards breaking away, but dear mother is so unable to accept that she drove her away that she has to blame you - doesn't that sound a trifle wrong? The fact is your sister didn't want to be smothered, not that you grabbed more than your fair share of attention.

Hmm, if you go round there four times a week that still leaves her three days in which she could have a social life if she wanted.

And btw supporting children through uni is what parents do . You don't owe them some obligation to get a "graduate level job" afterwards. My DS1 worked on the meat counter in a supermarket for a year after leaving uni. I'm still tremendously proud of him as he's a lovely, intelligent, educated fellow and he has the equipment to do what he wants in life when he's ready. Not what I want him to do - what he wants to do. (I suppose I might have something to say if he decided to be a bank robber.)

Thanks for all this - I didn't what to do from here but you've all given me alot to discuss with dp.

Ta

Keep strong - you have taken the first step to reclaiming your life. Be proud of yourself for that.

Good luck!

Please look into getting some counselling to help you with all this.

It's a very difficult situation and you will need a lot of support to change it, and to start thinking differently about yourself and not to automatically believe her version of your life.

Also, be very aware that if when you do decide to change things and the way you react to her, she will very likely ramp up her behaviour to get you back to where she can control you again. She will be very, very annoyed that you are making a bid for independence. If you haven't got back up, then it's probably too hard for you to do after all this time.

Talk to your husband, think about counselling. You owe it to yourself, and your DP and your DS. It is possible to come out the other side, and be much, much happier.

Best of luck FMx

Agree with fridgemonkey (good name btw!) that her reaction may not be positive and you will need help & support from wherever you can draw it. Could you talk to your sister and present a united front??

It may be that the only way to cope with her in the short term is to cut contact altogether. Can you prepare yourself for this eventuality??

Haven't read the whole thread....

But just wanted to say - No - you are not being selfish. You need to get out of her control and live your life your way. Sure you'll make mistakes - haven't we all?? That's how you learn. and no, a mistake is not the end of the world.

Have you seen the thread 'But we took you to stately homes'? I do not post there or know it well - but I think it might be of interest to you and someone there may be able to advise you.

Be strong... take all the help you can get and don't blame yourself!