I don't know how to stop being a selfish brat...

[Ihatethis]

My relationship with my mum is driving me mad. Literally. I have been depressed all most non stop since childhood. I started self harming around 10 and haven't really stopped (although have moved through different kinds).

I want to live my own life, but I can't get her to stop. I don't know how.

She controls where i live (she owns half the house, we pay her rent as she can't afford to let us fuck up the bills etc as I am too feckless to trust - her words). We are having a huge battle over wanting to move atm. Long saga, but I am being selfish again. Her opinion is that it would be better for tbem and ds if we (me ds and dp) moved closer to them. I don't want to as it owuld isolate me and dp from everything (friends, job, dp's family more) and we would be more reliant on my parents, which I don't want. I want ot move to another area (other side of town) closer to dp's family. But she refuses to travel there as it would be further - I am not that bothered by this as I go to see htem, not the other way round anyway. There are other issues as well. I have said no a undred times, but more and more she convinces me about how selfish and ungrateful I am being.

When I take ds round she changes his clothes (She doesn't like what I put on him), she has more toys/clothes/stuff for him there than we do at home. Presents that come from family have to be opened and left htere as we woudln't look after them properly.

I do take advantage of this - I have never made an appt for myself (e.g. drs dentists) because she does it (in her opinion, I wouldn't get round to it, I would do it wrong). I have no confidence to do anything myself. I know I would do it all wrong. She does know me better than anyone. She knos what I am capable of and in her opinion I am not capable of this stuff.

They (my parents) have given up so much for me and my sis. They do so much for me. I know I wouldn't have survived without them and yet I feel resentful. I want to do things myself, even if I sometimes make mistakes.

I know she only does this cos she wants me to be happy, but I'm not.

She has sacrificed her time, her energy etc and I am not happy, I am not grateful enough, and I want to do stuff myself. I try and then the first mistake or problem proves to her I can't do it.

I am a spineless freak. I hate arguments (you don't have quiet reasoned discussions with my parents), I know it would be hard work. But to take it on would be to constantly let her down (not that I don't do that anyway).

She buys me clothes (We can't afford htem) and then wants to wash them herself because I can't be trusted to look after them. But why would I do that? She has enough to do without that and it would become something else to show how awful I am.

She went abroad for the month and phoned me every day (ds hair was too short, I shouldn't be driving out of town - she phoned my aunt to try and get her to take me, but aunt wasn't too happy and I didn't want her to). But the time she was away was the happiest time of my life. Though I worried about it for months beforehand (she otld me I would never cope - I refused to go with them).

I have no confidence in my own abilities - in anything. But I know people would give their right arm for the amount of help I get.

So tell me I;m a spineless wonder, that I should accept it.

I was terrified of everything as a child - so oversensitive from birth and I think this led my mum to be so protective of me.

Or maybe it was the other way round. I think this relationship sounds abusive, and I think you should have a look at the 'stately homes' thred to see that you're not alone.

I think you might need some counselling to help you stay firm in your resolve to take action - you will need to be consistent in changing the way you relate to your mother, even when she kicks off, which she will.

I don't know where you live, but most branches of Relate can offer counselling for issues relating to parents (but you don't have to take your parent with you!).
www.relate.org.uk/familylife/familycounselling/

By the way - well done! You are being very strong. Accepting that your parents are not acting in our best interests, and that this is not our fault, is one of the hardest things you can do. Feel good about yourself.

I hate this - your posts have made me cry as you sound at times like I have in my life.

Please take the time to read all this about codependant behaviour.

And this thread can offer you the support you need to start separating from your mother, emotionally and physically if you choose.

This is not the end of the road, this is the beginning and posting on here how you actually feel is not a spineless act, it is an act of bravery.

Please don't give up now, you're just coming through your 'realisation' of your life/childhood, it hurts, but it does get better

And as for your strong feelings about your mother...remember FOG

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

She may have the same genetics as you, but it does not mean you owe her anything. You know what she has taken off your hands and made you feel helpless and useless about. Don't concern yourself about what other people think. What's important is you and and your ds and your dp and how you as a family feel.

You CAN do this!!

Look at the threads and report back so you can start getting your life back into your hands where it belongs. Only you can do this...no one else, now is the time to gradually take control again it won't be easy, it is difficult but it is NOT impossible.

allyxxx

Thanks for these.

It really wasn't what I expected.

I'm gonna take a while to think about it all.

Ta xx

{{{ihatethis}}}}

you've had some wonderful advice and I don't have anything to add except a hug and best wishes for you, your dp and ds

I hate this...please be aware that as you spend time in your mothers company, you will start to doubt all we have put, and doubt yourself again. That is normal. But you need to keep bringing yourself back to this 'new' reality, people who see things as you do. You know mumsnet...we would not be agreeing with you if we sensed a spoilt brat anywhere in your post! All you have had is positive posts...that shows just how wrong your mother's behaviour is towards you. It does not make her a bad person...it makes her human. Perhaps a way forward would be to discuss her childhood with her...or post on here? Then you can see patterns emerging...and possibly ways to unravel them again?

You've done some really hard work coming on here...keep up the good work

I thought I'd update this.

Things have been going well this week. Sis is back (and I'd forgotten how like my mother she is ). But mum's been better as she prefers which ever of us is further away.

I have been treating everything as if I am the reasonable one. This has made things a lot easier to deal with.

So has been going well - small step to start, but it has been helping.

I have also been limiting my visits.

Thanks for all of this. I know it is small, but it's easier for me doing it this well. It is making a difference. It hasn't changed her behaviour but has changed my reaction to it.

From a less stressed mner.

Ihatethis - sounds like you are happy with how things are going...well done you for making those small changes. Just don't get too reasonable...! Keep updating if you want...