OLD, he asked why I'm seperated

[HelloLemonPie]

Been having great messaging chat with a guy I've matched on Bumble. Messaging constantly for a week - he's keen to meet but I've been busy so we're meeting next week. He seems a decent bloke, kind, normal etc. I know it's hard to tell before meeting what the real chemistry will be like but we're messaging a lot.

Anyway, I'm a single mum and he's known this from the outset. Last night he messaged "Since we have chatted quite a lot now, I hope you don't mind me asking what happened between you and your child's father? Don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I'm really taken a back he's asked me this when we haven't met yet. Seems very personal. My DC's father was emotionally & physically abusive and I've had to have a lot of support post-relationship. I don't feel comfortable texting someone who is technically a stranger about this, even now it makes me feel sick thinking about my ex. It's really triggering.

I know the guy doesn't know this context and is probably curious. But how do I reply? This is a conversation I would have with someone a few dates down the line...

Also is it normal that he's asked me this so early?

I think less is more, the message about makes it sound like there's a 'story' and tbh you don't ever need to tell him if you didn't want to. It's in the past.

I'd go with something like, 'It just didn't work out/It just ran its course' and change the subject.

Why don't you just say "he didn't make me happy and I like to spend time with people who put a smile on my face"?

That's the truth without giving away the finer details.

I think he probably feels it's ok to ask as we really have text a lot and opened up about perspectives on the world, about our parents, dreams and hopes and we're clicking on that level.

This gives me pause for concern.

• You've been messaging intensively for one week.

• You cannot trust a 'click' (rapport) when it has been built over text only.

• Because it is SO easy to mirror someone over text messages and build a false sense of connection.
  * He might be a lovely man. Might.

• If you've felt free to share all that personal stuff before you've even met you are gambling heavily. You are wide open and anyone would sense it.

• If he is in a similar headspace his reciprocating may be genuine, that doesn't make it healthy

* If he's not in a similar headspace but is decent... he wouldn't encourage too much too soon.

* If he's not in a similar headspace but is not decent he will think it's Xmas.

I'm sure you've come through a lot so I really hope he is decent. And I'm sure you've done a lot of personal building, repair and recovery... But I don't think you are quite as aware as would be ideal, if you were my daughter, of what healthy boundaries look like.

Trust needs to be earned not just handed out gift wrapped.

That bold you was bold in error... I'm not emphasising YOU. ☺️

I forgot about edit function! 🤣

Don't hint that there's more to it, just be factual.
Kindly, are you sure you're ready for OLD? Your suggested responses are a little odd, teasing that there's a bigger story. The trauma of your past relationship seems to be at the forefront of your mind, which is understandable, but not a good place to start another relationship from.

My go to has always been: “That’s in the past, we’ve both moved on, I’m excited about the future!” Then, breezily change the subject, a good person will respect that, if he doesn’t, that’s a red flag.

Do you expect to know every detail of his private life? Especially stories involving others that aren’t his to tell? I assume not, and you are similarly entitled to your privacy which should be respected.

Abusive relationships can erode your boundaries and make you forget what is a normal boundary… I think you may need more time to recover from the abuse you suffered, I would suggest counselling. Especially given you have a child in the mix, give both yourselves a break. Men can be dangerous, as you have so recently discovered.

Defintely do not discuss your hoped and dreams with someone you just met! You are then giving them the keys for how to manipulate you. Save those conversations for friends and family and a therapist.

I really wish you and your child all the happiness and emotional safety in the world. 💐

Op your responses are too people pleasing beware of that, don't be afraid to just say,

I am not comfortable sharing that yet.
We grew apart.
It didn't work out

No further explanation required.

You NEED boundaries for a long time yet.

This is no different to what you said earlier.

You are talking of the future on every post you make. I am sorry to be blunt OP, but you do not know this guy, it may not work out, and it comes across that you are way to keen at this early stage.

This is what to reply:

"It didn't work out, but we do share custody of DC".

Tbh OP I echo a PP that you’re possibly investing far too much too soon having those sort of in depth discussions with someone you’ve never met and it’s easy for someone online to take advantage of your openness .

Hold back until you actually meet up - don’t get over invested or over share with a stranger.

Just tell him you're not comfortable talking about it. If he's not an idiot he'll take that at face value

" you know how these things go sometimes, they just don't work out. We were too different in too many ways. That's too dull and complicated to go into now and it's well in the past, let's just concentrate on seeing how we get on and getting to know each other, we'll always have time for that another day, there are far more interesting things to talk about than our boring, tedious long gone pasts right now" ?? Maybe something along those lines?

Just point out its dead and buried without saying why and focus on I want to get to know you and talk about thisis/ us/ now Stuff.

It’s not unreasonable at all.

You might have tried to chop off his knob or you might have grown apart.

Step parenting is tough too and the dynamics between the co-parents will have a huge impact on their life. This man is just thinking ahead. I’d say if anything it means he views you as a potential longterm prospect rather than a quick shag.

Echo what everyone else has said and also don’t text too much with someone before meeting in real life. As you’ve found you can build up a ‘rapport’ in messages that rarely translates in person. I’ve met so many unsuitable men from OLD - and plenty more who texted every day and then ghosted on the day of the date or cancelled literally as I was walking out the door to meet them.

OLD is brutal and I’ve shed many tears at the futility of it all. Met some lovely men with whom there was no spark, but had some nice chats and dinners, had a couple of short relationships which didn’t work out - mainly due to their circumstances - one lived with his parents 🙄 in his 40s and insisted his female best friend and her DH be there for every date and potential night away, as well as having a tiny penis and one had MH issues and was still emotionally attached to an ex he’d split with 3 years ago!

So please take it steady, I’m sure there are some nice men out there, who are genuine and in a good place for a relationship as well as being attractive to you, attracted to you, emotionally available and honest, good in bed and actually single. They’re definitely the minority on OLD though.

Totally agree with @PoochiesPinkEars and I think you need to tread carefully.

It sounds like you've been texting fairly intensely which can build up a false sense of intimacy, which has lead to a) him thinking it's OK to ask his question and b) you feeling uncomfortable about not giving him a full reply. I don't necessarily think he was out of order by asking, but I do think that you need to remind yourself that he is still a stranger and it's totally fine to just say "I'm not comfortable talking about that with you", there's no need for a "not yet" or "I'll tell you later" etc. And I agree with other posters that his response to a flat "no" is going to be very telling.

He could be a great guy who's just got a bit carried away with the texting and getting to know you but please just remember that you don't know him yet, you can't trust him yet and you don't owe him anything.

Do not under any circumstances divulge there was abuse until at least you are in an established relationship. These boards are full of people who have gone from one abusive relationship to another. A common denominator being that they all told their partners from the beginning that they were in an abusive relationship. This is a signal for a future abuser to stick around (they all appear nice at the start) and would make a person who hasn't been through it wary about you. Neither situation is good, so there is nothing to be gained by it.
Overall, there's loads of lying and embellishments that men OLD do, so it's best to toughen up about it if doing it. You don't have to lie, but being an open book from the start is not the way to go.
Hence, both of your suggestions are quite terrible. Just say you stopped getting on and there was some arguing, or he wasn't helpful or useful as a father - which I'm sure he wasn't, so it's not untrue.

Your instinct is right not to want to tell a stranger about abuse.

I've made that mistake and regretted it (I didn't think they were a stranger, rather a new BF but in hindsight they still were, really). I would say something neutral like 'we weren't right together long term, no cheating involved (if that is true). all settled now for DS'. You can revisit if the relationship progresses.

I would also keep the texting quite light from now until you meet. Don't invest until you actually know each other in person.

To me that's waffling and deflecting too much and suggests you're hiding something. I'd go with brief neutrality.

It's fair for him to ask and it's also fair for you not to answer.

Fair for him to ask because people want to know about things like cheating, rebounds, not being over exes, potential drama etc.

Fair for you not to answer for all your own solid reasons.

Don't tell him about abuse, don't make it sound exciting by saying the full story is for later, just say something bland about how it didn't work out, then move on. He's alreadu told you that you don't have to answer so take him up on that.

@PinkMendinilla It was just the gist I meant.
Surely that's the reality? It's old news, in the past, this is about us getting to know each other right now and seeing what happens.
I suppose we each have our own take on things, it's just my approach personally if someone is too interested, seems to work for me.

Wait til you've met him. Catfish potential still there. Could be anyone. Even the ex.

Just be honest then, it's not that hard. "I feel it is too soon to be revealing information like this. I'm not comfortable discussing this so early."

Not sure I would even hint about it being anything other than 'Just didn't work out' at the moment OP

This - both your suggestions hint at some issue that may or may not be revealed at some future date - which will either led to more questions or make him run as in implies some hidden issue.

It just didn't work out/we didn't make each other happy/ didn't work and we both moved on.

I personally wouldn't answer that. I'd just say I want to leave it in the past.

My reason for not talking about it is that coming from an abusive relationship often signals to people that you have low boundaries / barriers and are prepared to put up with shitty behaviour.

Whether this is is true or not isn't the point.

I'd just say that the relationship died a natural death.

Just 'it didn't work out ' is enough at this stage.