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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OLD, he asked why I'm seperated

84 replies

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 06:02

Been having great messaging chat with a guy I've matched on Bumble. Messaging constantly for a week - he's keen to meet but I've been busy so we're meeting next week. He seems a decent bloke, kind, normal etc. I know it's hard to tell before meeting what the real chemistry will be like but we're messaging a lot.

Anyway, I'm a single mum and he's known this from the outset. Last night he messaged "Since we have chatted quite a lot now, I hope you don't mind me asking what happened between you and your child's father? Don't have to answer if you don't want to."

I'm really taken a back he's asked me this when we haven't met yet. Seems very personal. My DC's father was emotionally & physically abusive and I've had to have a lot of support post-relationship. I don't feel comfortable texting someone who is technically a stranger about this, even now it makes me feel sick thinking about my ex. It's really triggering.

I know the guy doesn't know this context and is probably curious. But how do I reply? This is a conversation I would have with someone a few dates down the line...

Also is it normal that he's asked me this so early?

OP posts:

category12 · 18/04/2024 06:52

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 06:34

@category12 ah ok! I don't want to be dishonest as it's not in my nature, but I'm not ready to open up. Trying to think of a response that honours that..

Not asking you to be dishonest, just want you to protect yourself and not make it something for him to chase.

He probably doesn't even want the in-depth answer, not really.

As pps have said, he probably just wants to get an idea of what the ex is to you now and how involved he is.

AdoraBell · 18/04/2024 06:56

I second what PoochiesPinkEars said.

chocmatcha · 18/04/2024 07:01

I think its a fair enough question. He's not looking for the details. Just to gauge how much he's around. It's getting to the elephant in the room. So a "he moved away with his job and we drifted apart" or a "he found someone else" or "I ended it as we wanted different things from life" or "he's in an irreversable coma" all have a different situation going on. I'd just say ah it wasn't working out so we agreed to split and then say something like he sees the kids every other weekend or whatever it is.

chocmatcha · 18/04/2024 07:03

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 06:22

@SortingItOut I had lots of support from Women's Aid and therapy. I've worked on myself a lot and I am a different person now. Ex is still in my life, he sees DC twice a month. We went to court, the works, but there wasn't enough evidence to prove Coercive Control despite the police & women's aid being behind me.

Like I say, the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's something I couldn't even consider revisiting to explain to someone without really knowing and trusting them.

I think I'll reply saying...

'The PC answer is it didn't work out. If we get to date 4/5 you can have the real answer. 😊'

Or something along those lines.

I think he probably feels it's ok to ask as we really have text a lot and opened up about perspectives on the world, about our parents, dreams and hopes and we're clicking on that level.

That's an awful answer. It's not meant to be like a teaser trailer for a TV show.

It's easier to "click" over text than in person so be careful

highlo · 18/04/2024 07:04

SortingItOut · 18/04/2024 06:10

Never admit to any kind of domestic violence/abuse from a relationship...some men are looking for vulnerable women.

I usually say to people that we grew apart or we realised we were better off apart and leave it at that...I mean technically it's true in every situation.

Edited

I'd just say this. Or "we were no longer making each other happy and realised our Dd would be better off with 2 separated but happy parents"

Given he doesn't know the background he maybe thinks it's a harmless question. I used to get it asked this a lot. If you leave it vague and move on to a different topic you can expand at a later point if things work out

Oblomov24 · 18/04/2024 07:07

It's a totally normal reasonable question. I'd want you to know it. You don't need to tell him that much, you can just say something genetic and blasé. But I can't agree that someone asking is anything other than normal. Not nosy.

Original poster

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 07:10

Ok...

How about:

"I'd prefer to save that conversation for when we've gotten to know each other a bit more. But in short, it didn't work out, and we share custody of DC "

OP posts:

Justleaveitblankthen · 18/04/2024 07:12

Not sure I would even hint about it being anything other than 'Just didn't work out' at the moment OP 🤔
You can always tell him the full story much later on.

There are men (and women) who will throw past relationship trauma in your face - blaming you.

Obviously he seems great so far, but I would tread very carefully yet.

BrummieCahoots · 18/04/2024 07:19

I met my husband on Match 9 years ago .. to anyone online dating my advice is don't get involved in long drawn out messaging ... meet for a coffee or something asap .. sometimes people seem amazing and you build them up then don't even like them when you meet .. and no one needs a bunch of strangers saying goodnight !

category12 · 18/04/2024 07:21

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 07:10

Ok...

How about:

"I'd prefer to save that conversation for when we've gotten to know each other a bit more. But in short, it didn't work out, and we share custody of DC "

Again, you're making it a bit of an Easter Egg, a bit mysterious and a prize to go after.

Just something like "it wasn't a healthy relationship and we didn't work together. He sees our dc and otherwise I'm just looking forward now".

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/04/2024 07:23

I would just say he didn't turn out to be a good guy and I'm glad it's over. Happy to talk about it when I know you better but now I'd rather not think about him.

chocmatcha · 18/04/2024 07:24

HelloLemonPie · 18/04/2024 07:10

Ok...

How about:

"I'd prefer to save that conversation for when we've gotten to know each other a bit more. But in short, it didn't work out, and we share custody of DC "

No that's the same thing. You don't need to say you'll go into more detail if the relationship progresses.

wandawaves · 18/04/2024 07:25

I think it's normal to ask, but you're right, it is a difficult conversation to just pop in a text. Just keep it vague... "it just didn't work out, but that's a story for another day".

Janetime · 18/04/2024 07:26

Honestly just bat it into the long grass you’ve no idea if you will see this guy again, just say it didn’t work out , that’s all. Leave it there,

Whattodowithit88 · 18/04/2024 07:33

I hope this guy is decent because by your responses, if his not, your like a lamb to the slaughter. Read up a bit about other people’s experiences whilst online dating. Be careful op, your over sharing and playing mind games. Steady as you go.

WormHasTurned · 18/04/2024 07:40

If that came up when I was doing OLD, I just said ‘We’d both been unhappy for a long time. We tried to make it work for DC but we decided to split in the end. Share custody and everyone is happier for the split in the long run’.
My marriage was abusive. I’ve been dating someone for almost 18 months now. I’ve slowly explained more about what he was like but even now he doesn’t know the full extent of it. I don’t want to trauma dump on him and some of its best left in the past.

Lillers · 18/04/2024 07:47

I met my DH through OLD - we’ve been together 7 years, married for 1, and he still doesn’t know much at all about my previous relationships. He even suggested the name of my ex as a potential baby name the other day - it wasn’t until I said, “Errm, I might avoid that one, bad associations” that he realised! That’s how little oxygen we spent on past partners.

My point is you don’t have to tell him anything you’re not comfortable with. We can’t know his reasons for asking, just as he can’t know your reasons for not wanting to talk about it.

The advice you’ve had is very good - keep it bland, no intrigue, and only open up in the future if you are sure and if you feel it’s necessary to help you build a new relationship.

I know it’s not an entirely reliable source, but recently on MAFS Australia there’s a guy who is blaming every problem in their relationship on “her trauma from past relationships”, and he uses that as a way to make her feel like she’s responsible for all their problems (when in reality he’s just a bit of a nob).

unicornsarereal72 · 18/04/2024 08:00

I would just say things didn't work out. You don't need to give any more information than that.

category12 · 18/04/2024 08:01

This.

Going into a new relationship after such a traumatic experience, you're probably going to question yourself, your reactions and your own boundaries a lot.

What you absolutely do not need is a man who may not have your best interests at heart, muddying the waters and telling you your hard-won boundaries are wrong.

While the new guy is not the same as your ex and probably is a decent man, it's a mistake to give him ammunition.

It's really common to end up in further abusive relationships after trauma, it's like catnip to predators, so you have to be cautious.

SamW98 · 18/04/2024 08:06

I think it’s a bit much for him to ask before you’ve met if I’m honest and it would raise a bit of an alarm for me. It’s overly personal too soon imo.

I’ve done OLD on and off for a while and I’ve never been asked that question before we’ve actually met. Its a far more standard person conversation and even then it’s only generic answers until several dates in.

Personally I’d just say it’s a conversation for another day and leave it there.

FakeMiddleton · 18/04/2024 08:08

I think it's a reasonable question, even at this stage. If the answer was "I cheated on him", then I wouldn't want to meet up so I'd consider it a filtering thing.

However, I would answer him with "well, we split because he wasn't very nice to me" and then if you see something more long term with him, you can get more into then when you're comfortable.

PoochiesPinkEars · 18/04/2024 08:08

manova366 · 18/04/2024 06:45

OP, it's not dishonest to keep private information to yourself. It's not dishonest to have a boundary.
You write that he said Don't answer if you don't want to, so take him at face value and respond "You're right, I won't be talking about that".
Think of this as a great opportunity for you to test whether he respects your boundaries, takes no for an answer, etc etc.
If he pushes back or sulks, those are red flags and you don't need to continue talking to him.
If he accepts it, great, but it's not a green flag, just the absence of one red flag.

Totally on the money

FakeMiddleton · 18/04/2024 08:13

Agree with the MAFS thing. Also, you don't want to trauma dump on him and, at best, look like a mess with no boundaries or, at worst, then trauma bond with each other

Dating is light and breezy. Keep the answers light and breezy.

newnamechange98 · 18/04/2024 08:15

PoochiesPinkEars · 18/04/2024 06:13

How about
Let's park that question for another day when we know each other better.

I get that he shouldn't have asked over message or even at all really but if a man said that he didn't want to say, I would be concerned what he'd done in a previous relationship

LightSpeeds · 18/04/2024 08:33

I don't think there's anything wrong with this question. I'd ask someone this to:

Gauge what they say about their ex.
See if they had possibly been unfaithful.
See if they're emotionally over it and available for me.

I think you've had a very emotional reaction to the question because of what you've been through. You don't have to tell him the full details.

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