Apathy in marriage

[Bodyshame1980]

I’ve had a lot a lot of therapy over the years.

DH needs therapy and at the moment won’t have it - there is a fair amount of trauma in his childhood (he doesn’t see it), he has OCD (eg shutting down the house at night can take an hour), he suffers from severe health anxiety (every cough is Covid). He has a super stressful senior (anxiety inducing) service lead role, he has control issues (not with me but life in general - he’s very black and white, eg if he needs to mow the lawn then he needs to mow the lawn).

Our sex life is non existent - he has a kink I don’t want to be involved with anymore as it involves me being dominant and I don’t want that.

Im unable to show any vulnerability or weakness as I think it’d be stressful for him to think I could be like that, I hold it all together.

I’ve now reached the point where I’m existing, he’s loyal; he’s honest, he’s hard working, he works hard with the DC on their school
work. He does help around the house.

I generally do the finances. I’m more ambitious than him.

It seems like there is a lot to throw away, kids are 8 and 12. I’m talking to my therapist about all
this. I’m no longer emotional, I’ve gone through the emotions. I’m kind of blank now. Is anyone else
like this?

Bump

I suppose I’m just asking for people’s opinions of anyone who is or has been in a similar situation? I try to talk to DH, maybe I pick the wrong times in the evenings. But he always has other things on his mind.

Aside from your family is there anything that you truly enjoy, do you have a hobby, a centre of interest, a passion?

@ballytravlr yes I love spending time with friends, we go for meals, theatre etc. I love reading and I love my pilates! I have thought about getting into yoga.

I am busy with my work which I’m not passionate about as such but I enjoy it as I’ve made a real difference to people’s lives through my work.

I feel like I’m filling my life to almost distance myself from DH.

That's no way to live, op :(

How much can you talk to him? Is he defensive?
Could you manage couples therapy?
As always communication is the key. I know I have so many areas that I just can’t talk about with dh as he flies off the handle. Is your dh like that?
I think you’ve got to give it your absolute best shot, for your own peace of mind.

He may be all those wonderful things you state, but is he making YOU feel wonderful? It seems not. Picture how you will feel 5 years from now in the same situation or picture how you may feel in a year with the freedom...

How do you feel during the drive home op? Dread?...

Im unable to show any vulnerability or weakness as I think it’d be stressful for him to think I could be like that, I hold it all together.

You say his control issues aren't with you but you are changing your behaviour in an attempt to manage his. Even if his many issues are all genuine, look how it is affecting you.

I try to talk to DH, maybe I pick the wrong times in the evenings. But he always has other things on his mind.

Is it down to you picking the wrong times (are you blamed for much in the household?) or is it that he doesn't have any interest in fixing what's working for him, even though it might not appear to be any way to live?

Has he ever been open to discussing things with you @Bodyshame1980 ?

@user8800 no it’s no way to live. I live my life around him and the kids.

@ThatshallotBaby he doesn’t really respond, tells me it’s the wrong time. He makes a joke instead. He diverts. All that matters to him seems to be his work and well his exercise.

@bloomingorchids no he makes me feel nothing . Literally he does nothing for me.

Erm my mind whirs, I’m constantly trying to think of solutions. He would be unaware I am feeling like this. Never seems to be the right time.

@Humanunkind it’s affecting me as I’m suppressing my feelings and who I am.

He’s not open to it I don’t think, as well I’ve never found a right time so I can’t think when we will ever talk about it. Yes communication tends to be on his terms. I do stand up for myself a lot more now. He is controlling I guess. But it’s the control around his OCD. Eg if he’s cleaned the kitchen he’d get annoyed at it being used again in the evening.

He is controlling I guess. But it’s the control around his OCD. Eg if he’s cleaned the kitchen he’d get annoyed at it being used again in the evening.

Controllers can be very convincing that it's their "issues" that are controlling the narrative whereas in reality it's actually them. Their issues are a handy and believable tool.

You say you are blank now, emotionally, but you are still trying to think of solutions therefore your mind is still constantly on him. It's a known tactic of abuse that their victim's mind is filled with their behaviour constantly so they don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. I'm not saying he is abusive, but there are very familiar patterns in what you've said about him.

It's good that you are standing up for yourself more and that you are filling your life with things that bring you strength and peace. The further you are mentally and emotionally from your husband hopefully the less his behaviour will affect you.

How are your children? Please be aware that they are seeing that this is what a relationship should look like.

It seems like there is a lot to throw away

Sunk cost fallacy. It's not a lot to throw away remove yourself from if you're at the stage of therapy and posting on MN

@Humanunkind this is eye opening for me. I am not seeing it I guess. He really does have OCD. I have a child my second who is very sensitive possibly neurodiversity.

They adore their father.

I need to ask him about couples therapy and he needs to make time for it.

I know he’s not abusing me, he’s not unkind. He is very much focussed on our family. He’s obsessed with his work.

I think if you can make him realise just how much you need things to change, that would help. Almost you have to have mentally packed your bags, before you suggest counselling. This is it. We need to do this.

Thanks @ThatshallotBaby I have mentioned personal therapy to him. There is a comms block on my side. He has a shed load going on at work and I don’t want to sabotage that, I’m trying my best to hold it together.

I am in a similar position, OP, though we have both been going to individual therapy for a bit in advance of maybe doing joint therapy.

The bit that confuses me is summed up in ^ if you can make him realise just how much you need things to change^ - I have no idea how to do this because I can't articulate what needs to change. How do I prescribe what needs to change when I don't know what needs to change (and a lot of what I might be able to say needs to change is that things that have happened need to not have happened!).

@UpsideDownside im glad your husband is in therapy. I wish so much mine would go. I think he’d struggle to open up tbh. I don’t think he realises he needs therapy hence I’m trying to focus on his OCD, not focus that’s the wrong word. I’m trying to persuade him he needs therapy for his OCD.

I agree it’s not one thing it’s a number of things over the years. We’ve been together since we were at Uni. So we are both 44 this year. 22 years.

We've been together a similar length of time.

I don't know whether therapy is helping him. I don't know whether it matters if it does help him. Even if it changes his behaviour going forward, it feels impossible to undo what has already happened, even when what has happened is a million tiny things and nothing catastrophic.

If your husband engaged with therapy, managed his OCD in a way that affects you/the kids less, managed his work stress so it didn't spill over in to home life .... would that make you feel you could feel and share your vulnerability and emotions? Certainly that wouldn't happen immediately, so when? If he can manage those things for a year? Five years? 20 years?

Sorry. Asking hard questions because I am asking them of myself. My husband is engaged with therapy, and has transformed from a distant removed disengaged husband/father into father of the year. I am angry that he seems to feel that now he is engaged with family life our marriage should miraculously recover. It hasn't, and I suspect it won't

@UpsideDownside it is a million little things. Today’s example DH is heading to London, he’s upstairs I’m downstairs he’s upstairs and he shouted goodbye and I love you. I thought wow great. I’m heading out the door for the school run and I’m thinking - what if something happens to him in London I better go up and give him a hug. He doesn’t even get out of his office chair, it’s kind of like me bending down and hugging him. I don’t want to be swept off my feet I just wanted to hug him goodbye.

It seems so non-sensical thats an issue but it bothered me.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what’s in this still for you?. You also appear to be very responsible for him. Would you say you are codependent?.

He may never actually decide to enter therapy.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from you both here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to show them, for them to learn from? What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You’ve been in therapy for years, it’s highly likely that both your kids as adults will have therapy too particularly if you choose to remain with this man in this sexless and otherwise poor marriage. Holding it altogether as you’re trying to do could well spiral downwards into you further having poor mental and physical health.

You have a choice re him, they do not.

Is there really a comms block on your side, I do not think so. Your posts are very eloquent. It is he who is choosing not to communicate here and abuse is not about a lack of communication either, it’s about power and control.

Children love their parents anyway no matter how crap they (Or in this case he) actually are.

Do not get bogged down in your suck costs, all this about throwing it away is that mindset and it’s not helping you at all.