Apathy in marriage

[Bodyshame1980]

I’ve had a lot a lot of therapy over the years.

DH needs therapy and at the moment won’t have it - there is a fair amount of trauma in his childhood (he doesn’t see it), he has OCD (eg shutting down the house at night can take an hour), he suffers from severe health anxiety (every cough is Covid). He has a super stressful senior (anxiety inducing) service lead role, he has control issues (not with me but life in general - he’s very black and white, eg if he needs to mow the lawn then he needs to mow the lawn).

Our sex life is non existent - he has a kink I don’t want to be involved with anymore as it involves me being dominant and I don’t want that.

Im unable to show any vulnerability or weakness as I think it’d be stressful for him to think I could be like that, I hold it all together.

I’ve now reached the point where I’m existing, he’s loyal; he’s honest, he’s hard working, he works hard with the DC on their school
work. He does help around the house.

I generally do the finances. I’m more ambitious than him.

It seems like there is a lot to throw away, kids are 8 and 12. I’m talking to my therapist about all
this. I’m no longer emotional, I’ve gone through the emotions. I’m kind of blank now. Is anyone else
like this?

I'm totally giggling at your example of the hug as you're leaving the house. I suspect most people will think this is so tiny, but your million tiny things have led to this innocuous-sounding example being a problem.

I find myself giving examples to my friends that sound mad. They sound so small, so silly, so normal. But they're not. Not when each of the tiny cuts somehow cuts on top of the previous cuts.

It really doesn't. Those of us who have been in similar relationships can totally relate. Probably different actions and different words but the same feelings

All that matters to him seems to be his work and well his exercise.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read. Please consider why the effort in this relationship seems so very, very unbalanced?

He appears to have built a life that suits him perfectly and has very little reason to change anything. Why would he, and change would reduce the quality of his life

You ... not so much. I'm sorry you are facing this.

I had a dysfunctional family a very dysfunctional family. Alcoholic father who died young. His father was physically abusive and an alcoholic. Co-dependency has been raised by my therapist but bar the term I’m not sure how this is playing out in our relationship.

I never had a relationship before my husband. I had low self esteem. I am really holding it all together here.

I want to work harder at therapy, it’s a safe place for me. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Practically he is very helpful to have around.

last night when he was going to bed he just started talking about what his day today needed to look like, it’s all about him. I just run around after him and the kids. Trying to fit my work in (I’m self employed). My health is not good various auto immune issues. I feel very lonely.

None of this is right, I’m so worried about what my DC see as the right sort of relationship.

I should say my Mum came from an abusive family too. Both my Grandfathers were controlling drunks. My dad was not violent just very depressed and drank himself to death. Mum stuck by him. We lived a very sad life.

My mind hasn’t stopped and now I see the co-dependency. Like my mum was to my dad I am to my H. I help him exist and be the way he is. We are not good for each other.

Sexually I’ve met his needs through his kink for wanting to be dominated.

I hate how I’ve ended up in this mess.

What a mess.

I can’t sleep. Heading off to bed now. I just want to be loved and cherished.

@Bodyshame1980 He needs to meet you half way, to show that he cares how you feel, and he is just not at the moment. What did each of you like about each other when you first met? He should care about keeping the relationship going, that's what both of you should do, if one person does not then it makes resentment. It seems he is closed off, and from what it sounds, quite selfish.

@jazzyclouds he is very black and white. I have wondered if he is ND as there is ASD and ADHD in his family. They’re all super intelligent (academic/intellectual etc) he’s definitely got the intelligence to understand but not the emotional intelligence. If he needs to get one thing done he’s fixated on that and struggles to deviate. For example if going to the supermarket for one thing he’ll get really wound up if I ask him for something else.

He seems to allot time to things during the day and then that’s it. Anything outside of that he can’t cope. To be honest I’d struggle to be him. I’m the opposite, I can think on the spot (it’s part of my job) my job involve lots of human interaction. What I do is very focussed on understanding humans.

So much of what you say is describing my then husband @Bodyshame1980 . I was shocked when my Women's Aid support worker (I only went to WA to appease my solicitor and to be seen to be doing the right thing but boy did I need them) told me he was controlling. He never actively stopped me from doing anything but, looking back, was very good at manipulating me into making the choices he wanted me to make. He was very, very believable (even when I knew what he was saying was a lie it was very convincing, which just adds to the headfuck).

So many abused women have health issues. One of the questions when I was signing up for Rape Crisis's help was "Do you have fibromylgia?". That shows how common it is and the affect abuse has on us

I too was beginning to think he was ND, there would be drama if I added another suggestion to the list already suggested. Not even saying let's do this instead, it was 'we could ...' and he'd react. I learned not to make suggestions, like you are learning that trying to speak to your husband is never the right time ...

Mine was also obsessive about things. I realise now that he would actively sing the joys of whatever his latest one was while making sure I knew I had no place trying to join in, I was horrible for not supporting him, bla bla bla, but most of all telling me categorically that I was last on his long list of priorities.

It's all intentional. Your husband has you where he wants you. It's time for you to now concentrate on yourself. Try and emotionally distance yourself from him, stop hoping for anything from him, you'll only be disappointed; see him for what he is and contentrate on your life and your children, build your strength up and keep talking and processing what you're going through, it's a lot to take in

Thanks at @Humanunkind it’s so exhausting. I want to just rest but can’t. I’m just holding it together and so frustrated.

I’m glad there was a way out for you.

Thank you @Bodyshame1980 . It is exhausting, I feel for you

Is there any possibility of you getting away for a night or two by yourself, just to be?

@Humanunkind thinking of going to the cinema tomorrow night on my own. Perhaps even for food on my own. I feel sad. My family live 150 miles away. We live near his family. I always wanted to move near my family.

Based on what you have said about his “kink”, was it you that decided to detach from sexual activity and if so when was this and how did he react to this?

@Sososal his kink is me dominating him, so he’s not reacted in anyway as it’s always me generally (bar a handful of times) saying kind of stuff (sorry this is embarrassing) I’m not sure how to word it. But basically he’s into humiliation - so I know if I want sex I need to say something like ‘oh look at your tiny d!ck’. It feels horrific writing this, and well I don’t know through my therapy I found more recently if we had sex I was in a very bad way for a few days after. It was not for me the way I want to do it.

So the bottom line is now I spend my evenings pottering around the house, reading and then I just go to bed. I don’t really reach for him, touch him and in turn he’s not doing the same. I mean occasionally he’ll hug me but generally it’s pretty shit.

I don’t think I have the energy on here to go into that side of things. I know I’m dealing with a complicated man. I am so exhausted. I don’t really know what to do.

From an outside perspective and with the voice of experience, it doesn't look all that complicated to me (I know that's easy for me to say and you have many years, emotions and your children tied up in the relationship so it's never uncomplicated for you going through it) but -

You live near his family not yours. If you have spoken about moving closer to your family and there have always been excuses or what seemed like valid reasons not to that is also a red flag. The physical isolation is often intentional and can only add to the mental isolation that you're feeling.

You are exhausted trying to think of ways to fix his issues to make all of your lives more pleasant, he doesn't seem interested in making any changes. Why is that? Because it's working for him.

Everything seems to revolve round him and his needs/wants/issues/kinks. Where are you in the story of your life?

I can't remember if you've said, are you still seeing a therapist just now? I think it would be good for you to talk to someone in person. Women's Aid would be a place to start. He is controlling you, that is abusive. I know it's hard to hear and take in but it's screaming out from your posts. You don't need to make any decisions but talking it through can straighten out the tangles and help you see things more clearly. I do think some support from people who understand would be very helpful for you

Thank you @Humanunkind thank you. It’s his need to control as he’s an anxious person. So perhaps yes I am. We did talk through a move back to near my family but where we live is nicer but I know we could have lived in a nice area there.

Yes I am speaking to my therapist. I will bring all this up with her again. She is very good. We are working through things.

I do appreciate your advice it’s not falling on deaf ears.

I feel for you @Bodyshame1980

It can be so subtle, so easily deniable, to the outside world it looks just like normal married life but when the control is just for you you end up a shadow of your former self not knowing which way is up.

I'm glad you're still seeing your therapist. As you'll know it can be hard going through it all but it's worth it. Keep on keeping on - she's got you, we've got you, you'll get there

Thanks @Humanunkind I do need to talk to him. I wonder if he ‘sees’ it I don’t think he does. I think he’d be horrified to think I feel controlled.

I mean this kindly @Bodyshame1980 , having read what you've said about him in your posts so far, remember that attempts you have made to improve things in the past haven't worked so please be aware that not only might it not make any difference it might make things worse. He may well have more insight into how his behaviour is making you feel than he appears to, as innocent as it can all seem.

Please be careful what you say to him and please don't tell him you think he's being abusive, he may well escalate or he could improve for a while but you could find yourself being punished, perhaps ever so subtly, in the future.

And if he's anything like my ex was, he might use your innermost thoughts against you at some point - you share your heart and soul and they try and break you with it later.

Just be careful

Thank you @Humanunkind I think I have to lead with a what’s going right piece. I mean I don’t think he’s a bad person. It could be my interpretation couldn’t it? I am just feeling very alone. I am going out tonight on my own just for some time to myself. Might take myself to the cinema.

Is abuse always intentional? Does an abusive person know they are abusing someone?

Is abuse always intentional? Does an abusive person know they are abusing someone?

That's a good question. I wouldn't have thought my husband realised he was being abusive but my WA and RC support workers said it is intentional. It is such a part of who they are though, it comes so naturally.

One way of working it out would be if he behaves like that with anyone else, or does he present differently to the outside world than behind closed doors? I know we all do up to a point but if he, for example, is the life and soul of the party or helpful to anyone (especially someone he wants to impress) but to you he is cold and has no time for, I would certainly think that was intentional. It's about keeping you feeling small and, most of all, full of doubt.

My ex used to use Friday night dinners as his time to berate my upbringing and my family. I started to see a pattern so sometimes managed to sidetrack and get him on to another subject (or hopefully fall asleep so I could get some peace). It was one of the slow lightbulb moments for me that he might be emotionally abusive. I eventually brought it up when we were splitting up and he said he'd been counselling me. That was laughable but also another addition to the long list of things he would not only never take responsibility for but be the mighty saviour 😆. And it's another reason I say to be wary of what you share, because it could be used against you later but mainly because you're not going to get the answer(s) you need.

While I was with him I didn't think he was a bad person (apart from the obvious times but in between we were a great team, so I thought). But now I am out from under his cloud, his whole personality and behaviour have become clear, I can see it for what it is.

I think the way you are feeling has to be down to something, not just you. When you said about the awkward bend to give him a hug goodbye, that was so telling. He could have made that easier for you but he chose not to. Why? And why is it you feel you have never found the right time to talk to him? Is it that he always tells you it's not the right time = he's not interested in talking or trying to fix things?

Urgh, sorry, that's another long one, I'll shut up now. I hope you had a peaceful evening last night, doing something that brought you at least a smidgen of pleasure

@Humanunkind he’s different around his family more jokey, chilled and fun I dare say! At home he’s always stressed.

Around my family he’s quiet and just a bit withdrawn. That annoys me.

Yes he could have just got up and given me a hug. I didn’t really think that. It was cruel that he didn’t. I mean he was going away for two days.

he didn’t have to stay in his chair!

Yes it’s never the right time so I can’t find a right time.