Apathy in marriage

[Bodyshame1980]

I’ve had a lot a lot of therapy over the years.

DH needs therapy and at the moment won’t have it - there is a fair amount of trauma in his childhood (he doesn’t see it), he has OCD (eg shutting down the house at night can take an hour), he suffers from severe health anxiety (every cough is Covid). He has a super stressful senior (anxiety inducing) service lead role, he has control issues (not with me but life in general - he’s very black and white, eg if he needs to mow the lawn then he needs to mow the lawn).

Our sex life is non existent - he has a kink I don’t want to be involved with anymore as it involves me being dominant and I don’t want that.

Im unable to show any vulnerability or weakness as I think it’d be stressful for him to think I could be like that, I hold it all together.

I’ve now reached the point where I’m existing, he’s loyal; he’s honest, he’s hard working, he works hard with the DC on their school
work. He does help around the house.

I generally do the finances. I’m more ambitious than him.

It seems like there is a lot to throw away, kids are 8 and 12. I’m talking to my therapist about all
this. I’m no longer emotional, I’ve gone through the emotions. I’m kind of blank now. Is anyone else
like this?

How are you doing @Bodyshame1980 ? How's your week been?

Hi @Humanunkind to be honest work, kids and a busy family weekend has meant the week has gone quick. My therapist was in training this week so I didn’t have a session.

Im not sure how I am. I did speak to my husband, I have suggested marriage counselling. He said he’s happy. He said he knows there has been little or no intimacy. He blames the busyness of our lives and his job, my job. The problem is I can say something but it doesn’t make a huge difference really we just carry on.

That's good that you've actually been able allowed to have a conversation with him @Bodyshame1980 . Was he open to the idea of marriage counselling or was him saying he's happy his way of saying no to that? (Please do be careful with couples counselling because controlling/abusive people can use it to their advantage, leaving the other party worse off. Hopefully you will find a therapist with suitable experience.)

I hope you get to see your own therapist soon and that things will change in some way rather than just carry on as usual, I hear you

I'm hesitant to offer advice because my own life is a binfire at the moment but so much of what you said struck a chord. The non-hug, the fear of lighting the blue kink touchpaper, the never being the right time. Him being perfectly happy the way things are because you're bending over backwards to make his life run smoothly. But don't you think you would be better separated? He could live alone and control his environment to his own satisfaction, have the children in a predictable routine. You could relax, enjoy your children and your work without second guessing him all the time? He might even prefer it? How did you feel when he went away for 2 days? It could be like that all the time. You're not his slave (or his therapist), you don't need to be responsible for his anxiety or ocd management.

@OldandTired66 100%!! Yes I do agree but I don’t want to separate just yet, I’ve decided I just need to wean him off me in a way. I just won’t comment, I won’t manage his anxiety. Yes I’ll call him out if it’s affecting me and the kids. But it’s my intention to work on myself and my life, he helps around the house, we generally make a good team. When he’s on holiday we are fine. I’ve given up on his OCD and his anxiety, he’s even started talking to himself!

Marriage counselling @Humanunkind i might just leave. I need to just focus on myself.

it was fine when he went away, although i missed him filling the dishwasher and hanging some of the washing out. 😂 But the girls and I were fine!

I just need to really really focus on myself. He’s happy he’s not pestering me. I can kind of cope for now.

He was open to marriage counselling, but he doesn’t think we need it.

He’s so self absorbed, all his thinking is about himself in the main. Bar the kids exams and doing work with them, or the dishwasher, or putting a load of washing on etc he does a fair amount around the house, puts the bins out, mows the lawn. Will help me tidy for the cleaner. For now it works I think, I think.

My therapist has said I need to build my life now, focus on myself. Let him manage his OCD and anxiety, to just do what I need to do for myself.

i have found myself increasingly isolating myself from friends and family. But seeing family at the weekend. I think I need to acknowledge that for now this is the life I’ve chosen, I think it’s hard to accept he’s not going to change. Unless he chooses to of course.

I just need to live my life. Not think about him and his issues. I need to fill my life with what I want to do. I need to focus on me and my kids. And just leave him to it almost, he doesn’t pester me.

I need to stop carrying him emotionally, I need to stop letting him bother me so much. I can’t change him.

It’s very sad. I am dealing with this all alone.

my head hurts, my body hurts. My mind is full of hurt. My dad died young in his 40s I miss him and want to talk to him.

I wish bar my therapist I could talk to someone IRL. That’s it really. I can’t sleep.

I’m just sitting here in the bathroom in tears. Because this isn’t what I wanted. And I’m too weak to walk away. I don’t know even if it’s the right thing to do. I just feel so bloody lonely.

How can he tell me he’s happy? Because I am so sad and he can’t see that.

Oh @Bodyshame1980 , I really feel for you

He may well be seeing how you are, he might not, but I fear it's irrelevant now. His behaviour is working for him and it is that that has got you to where you are now, so only you can make the changes necessary for you and your children.

Concentrating on your own life and building back up your other relationships is a good positive step that can only help. Don't keep what you are going through a secret from people you trust. Talking about it and getting it out in the open shines a light on things that aren't the norm and that in itself will be one of the things that helps you build up your strength. Emotionally distancing yourself from him will help you too, I'm sure. Let him fiddle with his worry beads while you think about the enjoyable things that May will bring you.

It takes courage to get back out there and see people when you've been cutting yourself or have been cut off, but every step out of your comfort zone is a win and another little tip of the scales in your favour.

Thanks @Humanunkind i did kind of question myself with my therapist when i said maybe im only giving my perspective and I’ve got it wrong. She said that she’s seen and heard enough now (I’ve been with her for two years) to know I can’t be misinterpreting it all.

I am grateful for the support I’m getting here and from my therapist. I feel like with the therapy I opened a can of worms because it’s like that’s the time when I started working on myself, seeing the world in a different way. seeing my life in a different way.

Childhood trauma is a bitch. He’s apathetic because he’s in survival mode and trying to autopilot everything else. Try to tackle his anxiety and look into something easy like TMS therapy - you turn up and get your head zapped, no need to talk about trauma or unpack life issues.

I feel like with the therapy I opened a can of worms

And hopefully, in the not too distant future, those worms will be all making their way back into the can, straightened up, neat and tidy like a handful of dried spaghetti and you will feel lighter. And stronger. They will still be there but will be easier to carry.

Oh right!!! I wasn’t aware of this!! He has to see that his childhood was traumatic, I don’t think he sees it.

Thank you @Humanunkind you have been like my light in all of this.

I do struggle to tell others it’s the shame I think, because I’m in a good job. To the outside world the optics are good! Shame; that’s what it is.

It's not your shame to carry @Bodyshame1980 , but I hear you. I was the same, most people had no idea there was anything wrong in our marriage (that too was intentional - his reputation was very important to him too bad I'm telling anyone who'll listen all about him on MN!).

Anyway, that aside, choose carefully who you tell and go easy with how much you share to begin with. You may well be surprised who gets it and will be there for you; some may disappoint (but blessed are they who don't understand).

@Humanunkind I’m not sure who to tell. I get the feeling some of what happens in my relationship happens in others.

I would struggle to tell anyone about the sex side, it fuels my feeling of being undesirable. I never had a real relationship before DH so he’s all I’ve known. I’ve always had to be the dominant one in the bedroom, now I refuse to do that he doesn’t come to me or pester me.

i don’t understand like men who want sex all the time cos he’s not like that. Although I’m sure if every session involved fulfilling his kink then we would have more.

I would struggle to tell anyone about the sex side

I don't think it's necessary to share any of that with friends and/or family. I was thinking more along the lines of dropping bits of how you're feeling into the conversation if the opportunity arises, ie not covering up for the bad stuff or pretending everything's fine.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Now look at what your children are learning about relationships now from you two as their parents. Your relationship with him is their point of reference. You would want better for them but he does not because he ultimately only cares about himself and getting his needs met. You always co-operate with him; abusers never co-operate.

Your dysfunctional family and childhood set you up good and proper into accepting this life from him and he was likely the first male who actually shown you any interest. He targeted you and deliberately so to abuse you. Your boundaries, already skewed by your parents poor example of a relationship, are being further eroded by your H now. He is unlikely to ever see that his own childhood was not ideal either.

He is likely also to be all sweet and light with outsiders; to an abuser the image presented of they being a nice family oriented person is of paramount importance.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Trying to protect your kids from him malign influences whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Keep going with your real life support and also contact Womens Aid if you have not already done this. Consider also seeking legal advice re divorce too as knowledge here is power.

You would want better for (your children) but he does not because he ultimately only cares about himself and getting his needs met. You always co-operate with him; abusers never co-operate.

This is it, in a nutshell.

He needs therapy, but he won't - and it isn't your job to help him, heal him, enable him, suppress your own needs, live a barren life, etc etc. He has a choice and he has chosen to make your life an utter, exhausting misery.

It's been 22 years. In terms of average life expectancy, you could have another 40+ years of this. Except he would no doubt grind you down so much...... well, I'm sure I don't have to spell it out.

Can you save yourself? And protect your children, who have no choice in this.

OP, you sound like a good candidate to read Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay. Excellent book to clarify your ideas.

Thank you. I am getting better at asserting myself. I’m sorry I can’t be strong enough to walk away. I know you’re all going to be thinking why aren’t I strong enough. It’s because I can’t believe I have realised I’m in this situation after all this time and I can’t believe I didn’t realise before. Or I was happy with it.

Yes you’re right he was the first man to show me some attention, first good looking man, first man from a ‘good’ family, with good career prospects, we were on the same post-grad so had shared interests, we still do!!

I don’t know what I’m modelling my kids, I feel terrible. I know I’ve become increasingly defensive and I do stand up for myself more. I’m probably over attached to my kids.

There is probably most definitely a significant co-dependency in our relationship too.

i don’t feel trapped, I’m not sure how i feel. I feel a sense of I will wait and see, how much longer I don’t know. Thank you for the book suggestion.

I don’t think he targeted me btw, we were both 22 when we met. I mean it was just a bit of fun then. Interestingly until I started ‘fuelling’ his kink he has suffered from erectile dysfunction.

I think we were both vulnerable.