Friendship issues.. hot and cold friend

[Muggins79]

Hi, I’ve been in Mumsnet for a while but have signed up under a new name.

I could really do with some support and advice about an ongoing friendship issue I have. Please be gentle with me as I’m feeling quite vulnerable. 

Background, my closest friend (best friend) of 20+ years have always had a close friendship. Our kids are all friends and we’ve spent a lot of time together over the years. 

In recent months she’s become distant with me at times, barely replied/sent texts, didn’t want to meet up, ignoring stuff on social media etc. I asked on a number of occasions if all was ok and either got ignored or very brief one line answers, even when I said I was worried I’d unintentionally upset her there was no real response. Then all of a sudden things seem normal again?

I appreciate I sound like a teenager. I have extremely low self esteem and am a people pleaser by nature. I am trying really hard to stop this but I just can’t. I am so scared that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and won’t tell me. My fear of rejection just makes me fawn all over her even more. I hate myself for my pathetic weak behaviour and constantly tell myself to just distance myself, but I can’t take the silence and always cave in. 

I get so upset with her blowing hot and cold with me but never tell her because I would just get ignored/shut down. Our friendship can be a bit one sided at times which isn’t helping how I feel.

Part of me wants to ‘confront’ the issue and ask her what on earth is going on. I thought we were so close but it’s like she’s holding me at arms length but I have no idea why? It is driving me insane and is really affecting me mentally, I feel like I can’t trust her anymore as I never know where I stand, I feel like a yo-yo!

I would be grateful for any advice as I’m really torn as to just leave things and try really hard to back off. Or to try to address the issue and find out why?

Thank you for reading this I know it’s a long post and I feel embarrassed that I’ve let this impact me so much. 

[category12]

It's unlikely you trying to address it with her will resolve things if you've already asked if you'd upset her and got no reassurance.

I think you need to focus on relegating her friendship's importance a bit, looking to other friends or developing your social circle a bit more - easier said than done, of course.

It might be if you give her more space she'll come forward more.
It might be that the friendship has had its day.

[Tooshytoshine]

My guess would be that her life is hectic and she is swamped or overwhelmed. Give her space and try not to ask anything if her. Let it play out.

In the meantime, just live your life and when she is more sorted again meet for a casual drink or catch up.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

I don’t think this is just her being busy. There’s obviously something going on but that could just be her own attachment issues motivating her to make you feel dropped and insecure. Often people who have been let down emotionally as children play this out with others. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it though.

What you do have to accept is, she is not the wholly lovely dependable friend you thought she was, she is unpredictable and prickly and who knows why. Things have changed and sadly even though you are up to the standard of a solid and reciprocal and loving friendship, she isn’t. So move ahead with that in mind. Focus on other friendships, let her stew. If she gets in touch and you want to see her then do. But she’s not to be truly trusted. Make some headspace for new possible connections with others.

[Muggins79]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.
@AtrociousCircumstance i think you may have hit the nail on the head, there’s lots of other things that I can’t write on here as would be too outting, that appear to have been done with a deliberate intention to hurt me/make me feel insecure.
im finding it very hard to deal with as a lot of the time spent together was driven by her and to suddenly feel dropped and ignored really plays into my own insecurities!

I consider myself a good friend and deep down I’m pretty sure I’m not at fault but the stupid anxious side of my brain likes to tell me I am!

@category12 and @Tooshytoshine you both make good points about just backing off, giving space and focusing on the people in my life that do value me.

I know that I need to work on my own self esteem and self worth and not allow myself to be picked up and put down. I am always there for my friends no matter what, but I can’t say the same for her.

I think I need to accept that for whatever reason things have changed and ‘confronting’ the issue is probably not going to get the response/reassurance that I need. If she truly cared about me then like I thought she did then she would be aware of how her actions make me feel. I’m really sad as I thought we were like family, and always would be. it hurts :-(

How do I make myself strong enough to not chase contact and have some self respect?

[anotherdisaster]

I have a similar situation. My best friend of about 12 years has gone from texting multiple times per day to maybe once per week (if I'm lucky). I may see her once a month (if that) when we used to see each other weekly. This does make me sad but I know its because she has had changes in her life. She got a puppy who is a handful so she is just generally busier. She spends a lot of time with her family who live close to her (mainly becasue they help her with the puppy). She is also self employed now so often either chasing work, or really busy. It does really bother me as I feel I have been dropped a bit but I have decided just to take a step back and leave her to it. I know that if I brought it up with her, she would say how awful she feels and would probably text me more but I don't feel like I should have to tell her/ask her. Sometimes friendships do slowly come to a natural end for whatever reason. Have you thought about therapy/counselling to help with self-esteem? I'm going to give it a try myself.

[IDontHateRainbows]

Friendships can change. I had a best friend of 20 years, godmother/maid of honour level friendship and then suddenly it was like she'd had a personality transplant and she started being really shady with me and treating me like shit.

Sadly the friendship did not recover and I'll never understand why.

I've come to the conclusion that very few friendships last forever and people are strange and not easy to understand. It is very painful though .

My advice to you is not to try and bottom it out with her but just quietly withdraw from the friendship, if she misses you she'll reach out if she doesn't then you have your answer

[Muggins79]

Hey @anotherdisaster im so sorry you’re going through something similar.

it is so hard to understand how you go from daily texts and easy conversation and seeing each other every week, to distance and texts going unanswered..

I think in my situation if I brought it up to her she would either be really defensive and just say I’m being oversensitive and there’s nothing wrong (she does lie quite frequently about the most stupid things). Or like on your case maybe she would make more effort… but then I’d question if it was genuine?

I think when you’ve been best friends for years and you know each other so well you expect them to realise how their behaviour affects you and when they don’t it makes you feel unimportant! Have you ever spoken to your friend about how you feel or just left things??

I actually did try therapy the end of last year to address my self esteem issues and also issues with being a massive people pleaser (all linked). It was helpful to an extent but I’m not going at the moment. I know I need to set boundaries etc but I feel like I’m too weak to even do that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[Muggins79]

@IDontHateRainbows im sorry to hear that you’ve been through a crap time too. Did you have any idea what caused it or was it just out of the blue?

I can’t keep up with the constant hot and cold nature of our friendship, I found myself treading on eggshells terrified to say the wrong thing for fear of being ignored… so I just pretend like I don’t care and I’m easy breezy but underneath I’m so upset… it feels so fake!

Everybody’s advice so far has been similar, I need to pull back and try to preserve my own sanity I think. It’s totally against my nature though so it’s hard!

I really appreciate the replies I’ve had so far. Thank you so much it means a lot to me.

[neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife]

You are me! That is how I am with friendships, or was.

Best friend of 25 years, we had a tiny blip, she wouldn't even talk to me, i thought i would never recover from the hurt but I did and to be honest it was the best thing that happened. I realised if we met now we would NOT be friends. She treated me like complete shit and I'm glad we are no longer friends. That was 4 years ago ....

My advice to you is I would check in once a week, and then leave the rest up to her. I think ignoring her would make you stress but you need not to be a doormat. You sound like a fabulous friend and others will be lucky to have you.

If she is a genuine friend she will come through and if not she will fade away to an acquaintance. Sadly people change sometimes but its not your fault ....

xx

[Newgirls]

I think we have some sort of expectation about female friends that they should last for life but really how can that be realistic as so many things change - parenthood, location, interests etc.

the only answer is to have more friends so we don’t over rely on 1-2

[Muggins79]

@neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife thank you so much for your reply, it’s so nice to feel like people understand and I’m
not going crazy!

Has your experience changed the way you approach friendship now? How did you get over the friendship ending?

Being honest the thought of the friendship ending upsets me alot, but I can’t keep chasing and begging someone to my friend, it’s like torturing myself on a weekly basis.

Thank you for your words of wisdom x

[Pantaloons99]

Hey OP, I have zero doubt that your friend is being difficult rather than just busy. Even if really busy, it doesn't take much to just re assure you they're busy.

The behaviour feels quite manipulative. You say you're a people pleaser so I imagine this person is the opposite and usually holds the upper hand.

Having exhausted every other approach, I would say completely downgrade this person and focus on other friendships. You have to demonstrate self respect in order to be treated with such. This means no more pandering asking what you've done wrong. No jumping to reply and meet up when they're being nice again. Just distance as hard as it is and get yourself busy with other people and other things.

[anotherdisaster]

@Muggins79

Hey @anotherdisaster im so sorry you’re going through something similar.

it is so hard to understand how you go from daily texts and easy conversation and seeing each other every week, to distance and texts going unanswered..

I think in my situation if I brought it up to her she would either be really defensive and just say I’m being oversensitive and there’s nothing wrong (she does lie quite frequently about the most stupid things). Or like on your case maybe she would make more effort… but then I’d question if it was genuine?

I think when you’ve been best friends for years and you know each other so well you expect them to realise how their behaviour affects you and when they don’t it makes you feel unimportant! Have you ever spoken to your friend about how you feel or just left things??

I actually did try therapy the end of last year to address my self esteem issues and also issues with being a massive people pleaser (all linked). It was helpful to an extent but I’m not going at the moment. I know I need to set boundaries etc but I feel like I’m too weak to even do that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

No I've not specifically brought it up with her. No point because I'm pretty sure I understand why. She has been single most of her life and never had children (which she wanted). Sounds odd but this puppy has filled the hole not having children left her so she is so hyper focused on that now. I think her days revolve around her dog and family. She just doesnt have the same time on her hands. She has said a couple of times that she;s aware she's not as quick at texting now. Basically I have just matched her energy and I don't text her as much either. eg I texted her last friday but I will wait to hear from her now. I don't think there is any malice at all and I also suspect she doesn't see that much of other friends either. She has always been a little bit self centred. I am just trying to accept that our friendship has changed rather than stressing over it. You have to try to value yourself more I think (I know I do).

[neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife]

@Muggins79

@neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife thank you so much for your reply, it’s so nice to feel like people understand and I’m
not going crazy!

Has your experience changed the way you approach friendship now? How did you get over the friendship ending?

Being honest the thought of the friendship ending upsets me alot, but I can’t keep chasing and begging someone to my friend, it’s like torturing myself on a weekly basis.

Thank you for your words of wisdom x

@Muggins79 I slowly began to realise that I did not deserve to be treated like that and really thought "who does she think she is treating me this way" when all I was was a lovely supportive loyal friend.

I, like you, was always scared to death of a friendship ending, especially this one, and would always go over and above if someone had gone quiet, even sending flowers sometimes!! How can someone be upset with a friend sending flowers?! but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I talked it through with other friends and it made me realise that she had treated me appallingly by just dropping the friendship. It says more about her than me!

I am different now, I invest in the friendships that invest in me, its so much less stressful and loads more enjoyable!

Friends should make you happy not stressed ....

You will be fine .. here anytime you need a chat! xx

[Sameratdifferenthat]

I think you've had the best advice here, look after yourself, look after your soul & back off from this friend who blows hot & cold.

It won't be easy for you to do, I realise that, you're a very giving person. But for your own peace of mind you need to give less.

You're giving her power over your happiness / sadness and that is very unsettling for you because she either doesn't realise that or, more likely, does realise but doesn't care or doesn't want that responsibility.

You'll be OK in the long term. It may be hard in the short term to pull back from this friend & put less of yourself into the friendship. But that's what you must do, to look after yourself. 💐

[Tara336]

It is really sad when friends become distant and it hurts when you realise the friendship for you was more important than it was to them. I ha e had it happen to me, I had what I thought was a very good friend and the friendship was over 10 years.

But she began to be distant, thing would happen in her life she would have normally shared with me, arranged to meet and then cancelled last minute and then would go weeks without speaking or replying to texts.

She then overreacted to a comment I made and admitted she had clinical depression and was struggling. I was happy to give her time and space if that's what she wanted but she overreacted again to me sending a birthday card early as I was going to be away (getting married) and blocked me on all social media etc.

If I'm honest I was tired of being treated poorly when while I appreciate she was ill this had gone on for quite a long time (years) and I realised that she only really wanted to spend time with me or chat through my bad times, when my life became happy and settled was when she became nasty and distant. I miss the person I thought she was and not the person she actually is.

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

lots of friendships develop because of circumstances/needs at a specific point in time. these circumstances rarely carry on indefinitely, so the driver of the relationship fades.

[fromaytobe]

You say she is your best friend, but I'm not sure that her behaviour warrants that title.

[Muggins79]

@Pantaloons99 (love your name 😂) you’re so right. It does feel a bit manipulative at times and almost like she does it because she knows she can? Whether that’s conscious behaviour or not who knows. I am definitely guilty of pandering to people and going out of my way to ‘fix’ things and will always look to myself to blame rather than others. I definitely need to have some respect for myself!!

@anotherdisaster that must have been difficult to just back away but it sounds like it’s been the right thing to do. Why is it so hard to value ourselves yet we appear to place such value on others?!

[Muggins79]

@neverputabetterbitofbutteronyourknife

@Muggins79 I slowly began to realise that I did not deserve to be treated like that and really thought "who does she think she is treating me this way" when all I was was a lovely supportive loyal friend.

I, like you, was always scared to death of a friendship ending, especially this one, and would always go over and above if someone had gone quiet, even sending flowers sometimes!! How can someone be upset with a friend sending flowers?! but it wasn't as bad as I thought. I talked it through with other friends and it made me realise that she had treated me appallingly by just dropping the friendship. It says more about her than me!

I am different now, I invest in the friendships that invest in me, its so much less stressful and loads more enjoyable!

Friends should make you happy not stressed ....

You will be fine .. here anytime you need a chat! xx

Wow you sound so much like me.. it’s actually really nice to know that there are others out there who invest in their friendships in the same way I do.

I think sometimes I am so guilty of analysing everything I drive myself nuts and it achieves absolutely nothing, as I cannot provide a resolution to an issue I didn’t create.

id love it if someone sent me flowers 💐 how can anyone but upset by that?!

Thank you so much x

[Muggins79]

@Sameratdifferenthat wow your post really just says it all. You are absolutely right, my mood is often influenced by how things are between us (god even just writing that makes me feel like such a loser).

@Tara336 im so sorry that you’ve also gone through a sad time with your friend. That sounds so horrible :-(
I appreciate that mental illness makes things difficult but it sounds like she was just using you to make herself feel better and when things were good she was probably jealous. It’s so hard to understand why people act the way they do when it’s so far removed from your own personality. I hope you’re doing ok now x

@DiscontinuedModelHusband and @fromaytobe thank you, I agree with both of what you’ve said. There are lots of examples I could give of both lovely and not so lovely behaviours but don’t want to go into too much detail here. I think I’m slowly realising that I value the friendship far more than my ‘best’ friend. I’ve probably known this for a good 6 months but have buried my head in the sand.

It’s time for me to take a bit of control and stop being such a doormat and blaming myself for every little thing!

[Muggins79]

I honestly can’t thank all of you enough for taking the time to reply to me. I was so anxious to post on here as I felt silly/immature for being so upset over a friendship. I appreciate all of the kindness and understanding you’ve all showed me. You must all be lovely friends to have 😊

[anotherdisaster]

@Muggins79

I honestly can’t thank all of you enough for taking the time to reply to me. I was so anxious to post on here as I felt silly/immature for being so upset over a friendship. I appreciate all of the kindness and understanding you’ve all showed me. You must all be lovely friends to have 😊

I have actually seen LOADS of similar posts on here about friendships. Its way more common that you think. Sometimes a 'bad' friendship can be as destructive as a bad relationship. You shouldn't have to beg for friendship from someone. I hope you can find the strength to take a step back from this person 🤗

[Mary46]

Hi op I find friendships complex. Either non comittal or ages replying to texts. Its like nobody wants meet up or do anything now. Honestly sick it. I find people so flaky now.