Friendship issues.. hot and cold friend

[Muggins79]

Hi, I’ve been in Mumsnet for a while but have signed up under a new name.

I could really do with some support and advice about an ongoing friendship issue I have. Please be gentle with me as I’m feeling quite vulnerable.

Background, my closest friend (best friend) of 20+ years have always had a close friendship. Our kids are all friends and we’ve spent a lot of time together over the years.

In recent months she’s become distant with me at times, barely replied/sent texts, didn’t want to meet up, ignoring stuff on social media etc. I asked on a number of occasions if all was ok and either got ignored or very brief one line answers, even when I said I was worried I’d unintentionally upset her there was no real response. Then all of a sudden things seem normal again?

I appreciate I sound like a teenager. I have extremely low self esteem and am a people pleaser by nature. I am trying really hard to stop this but I just can’t. I am so scared that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore and won’t tell me. My fear of rejection just makes me fawn all over her even more. I hate myself for my pathetic weak behaviour and constantly tell myself to just distance myself, but I can’t take the silence and always cave in.

I get so upset with her blowing hot and cold with me but never tell her because I would just get ignored/shut down. Our friendship can be a bit one sided at times which isn’t helping how I feel.

Part of me wants to ‘confront’ the issue and ask her what on earth is going on. I thought we were so close but it’s like she’s holding me at arms length but I have no idea why? It is driving me insane and is really affecting me mentally, I feel like I can’t trust her anymore as I never know where I stand, I feel like a yo-yo!

I would be grateful for any advice as I’m really torn as to just leave things and try really hard to back off. Or to try to address the issue and find out why?

Thank you for reading this I know it’s a long post and I feel embarrassed that I’ve let this impact me so much.

How do I physically stop myself from chasing her

You're an adult. If you don't have control of yourself, then you can't be deemed responsible, and that's a can of worms you don't want to open, isn't it?

Work out why you're like this: it usually comes from childhood. Which parent did you have to keep putting up with neglect from, and chasing for attention? Might not be from abuse, but perhaps due to a demanding or ill sibling, constantly arguing parents, preoccupation with work, lack of physical resources etc?

@Watchkeys good point to be fair. I know I sound like a child tbh, it is ridiculous and I know it!

I think most of my issues stem from a tricky childhood and a lot of those issues have continued to a certain extent or got worse as my life has progressed.

@Powshed also a good point!!

Realising I need some professional help To work through all of this.

I think most of my issues stem from a tricky childhood and a lot of those issues have continued to a certain extent or got worse as my life has progressed

They will be getting worse because you now treat yourself internally in the way you were treated as a child. When we turn 18, we are deemed to be responsible for ourselves; it's not that we don't need parents any more, it's just that we can be our own parent from then on. And when we parent ourselves... we copy our parents' style.

Could this be the case for you?

@Muggins79 What have you done to work on your self esteem and to realise you’re a good person? (I’m sure you’re lovely!) it feels like I have a mountain to climb at the moment to enable me to get to the point where I can be strong for myself

I had cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) which looks at these patterns and how they played out in relationships during childhood. Can’t recommend it enough.

@TwelveAngryWhiskers ive not heard of that before. I will have a look to see if I can find someone that offers that. I’m glad it helped you, I feel like therapy is such a personal thing and not every type works for an individual?

I’m not sure tbh.. I need to do a lot of thinking. Thank you so much for you insight :-)

It's the same as I had talking therapy..its brilliant

Op. I utterly sympathise with you. I'm so insecure with my friendships as I enjoy them, but feel insecure in myself, so if someone doesn't respond to a text or doesn't contact me for a while, I feel sad and abandoned.
As a mum I feel I should be stronger, but, I'm just not.
I particularly understand the feeling of "what if I can't stop myself from chasing a certain friend". That nailed it as to how I feel.
Sometimes I keep trying to ring a particular friend who goes quiet on me? She doesn't answer the phone, I then text her to ask what's wrong, have I done something to upset her? Days later she'll ring as if nothings happened, but I feel dreadful about my self/esteem.
I feel like we could be similar.
I tend to "confront " people to put myself at ease, as with me, not knowing why someone is ignoring me, is worse than knowing whether they are or not!!
Hope it helps that someone else is the same as you op!

You have just described me to a t. Particularly the confronting people to prove I'm not being ignored thing ( which probably makes it worse if I'm honest)

Think this is called anxious attachment style?

@Lizzbear you have literally just gone inside my brain and described me (and my friend). Right down to the texting to ask if they’re ok/something wrong, to being ignored and then the next interaction you have it isn’t even mentioned.
I feel like I’m invisible!
I also feel like I then must be imagining that my friend is being really cold/off with me and it’s all in my head.

I tend to "confront " people to put myself at ease, as with me, not knowing why someone is ignoring me, is worse than knowing whether they are or not!!

This is exactly how I feel. I’d rather know someone is pissed off with me than just imagine all the reasons why there’s an issue. To be honest I feel like my friend knows what she’s doing (she actually used to be the same way and seek reassurance from me ironically) and I think it’s actually just cruel to ignore somebody when you know exactly what it does to them. I wonder if it’s a power thing?

it helps sooo much to know I’m not alone in the way I feel. I honestly feel like such a loser at the moment. I’m so anxious and quite down… why the hell I’ve let her have this power over me is ridiculous!!!

@IDontHateRainbows im sorry you can relate to this too. It’s so bloody hard to deal with. I think you’re right that the ‘confronting’ people makes it worse alot of the time.

My friend can’t deal with it so just dismisses me even though I’ve raised it in a gentle non confrontational way. It makes me feel ten times worse as I just don’t get the reassurance that I’m seeking.

I think in my current situation Things went cold for about a month, she actually admitted at one point she hadn’t treated me well, but then wouldn’t talk to me about it so I was still non the wiser. I thought we would talk about things, have a heart to heart and all would be ok. But the next time I saw her it was so awkward, and I was too scared to say anything. Things then seemed to become ok again for a few weeks. Lots of contact, time spent together etc. Then this week back to barely speaking, not interested in me, our usual plans just changed or ignored/excuses made etc. It feels like she can’t get away fast enough.

I KNOW that I’m not crazy. I KNOW that I’m not just being over sensitive, paranoid, imagining things. Something changed but for whatever reason she won’t tell me what. We literally had no secrets and confided in each other about everything.. now she feels like a stranger.

Im so sorry to just drone on, I keep waking up really early upset just thinking about things. It’s draining having to pretend that I’m ok when I’m really really not.

I still keep toying with the idea of telling her how I feel and being honest (as that’s my nature). I think, she’s my best’ friend surely she would want to know if I’m upset (or would realise). Then I read all of your replies, listen to my husband and I’m like don’t waste my time trying to find out ‘what you’ve done’. You’ve tried before and you don’t get anywhere and it makes u feel even worse.

Im a mess. I feel fake. Most of all I’m just really really sad. Lying in bed trying not to cry at 5:30 in the morning. Wtaf!

I NEED to walk away…

Im going to try and find a therapist today that does the CAT therapy. As did some googling last night and it looks exactly like the type of thing that can help me. Thank you @TwelveAngryWhiskers for suggesting it x

I got mine through my Dr and honestly it was amazing and I use the coping mechanisms they taught me and it helps me to cope.....like I say try your dr first ....I was in need of it urgently at the time I was a mess with my anxiety so I got it pretty quickly ....Good luck op keep us updated x

I have really low expectations of friends. Must admit the phase “best friends” used by adults makes me wince.

I have Dh and my sisters as my true people friends are to enhance my life and have fun with. I’m kind and supportive to them but don’t give away my heart. People are weird with their own agendas. I have worked hard to get the upside of having friends whilst not letting the downside (weird behaviour/moods) bother me.

Those intense friendships are for younger stage of life pre marriage/ kids.

@Immemorialelms You’re not “avoidant”, you’re just a terrible friend.

@AE9766 agree. I need loyalty in people not more flakes lol. That is not a friend.

Don't think this was aimed at you

@TheaBrandt you’re definitely right.. some people are weird and have their own agendas… I think I need to lower my expectations of friendship.

Just work on not caring! If you have a nice time with that person that’s great that’s all I expect of my friends now I’m approaching 50. Honestly just back off and stop expecting so much of other people you are just setting yourself up for disappointment and upset.

After being burnt a few times recently this is how I'm trying to play it with friendships now. I've finally come to the conclusion that friendships are ephemeral - most have a shelf life those that stay the distance are very rare IME

The books on Emotionally immature parents by Lindsay Gibson can also be quite useful. When these patterns begin in childhood (as attachment styles do) it is often because our parents were unable or unwilling to communicate their needs directly so contrlled us by moods—and by offering and withholding connection and intimacy on their schedule not ours. So you get trained from a very young age to make yourself available at all times or expect punishment in the form of isolation/avoidance by your parent. The person who is not allowed to say yes or no, the person who does not get to set the agenda, is you. All you can do is pursue and be available for when they want to use you or play with you.

@Muggins79

I have had this happen to me,

I think 🤔 the feelings of potentional rejection go far deeper and a very significant to your psyche,
so would look into that and definitely looking into good therapy to address that in some way beneficial for yourself,

Focus on a lot more on existing friendships elsewhere or and developing new friendships such as getting involved in new hobbies you are curious about too etc,

What are your family dynamics like then growing up and now then?

Make space for this so less inclined to feel emotionally needy for a friendship that is on waning, for whatever reason factors behind that,
why your friend is being less emotionally available,
Could be even she is struggling emotionally with issues feeling overwhelmed,

could be this friendships 🤷 like other types of relantships go threwing circles phrases waxing and waning,

I suppose op, as deeply rooted as all your strong internal feelings are, it's likely she's got her own version of that going on which causes her to be repelled by certain expectations / behaviours.

Maybe you both have a lot about each other you like and admire but a mismatch of your psychological 'cracks' (for want of a better word) means that when those needs surface there isn't a pull towards one another, but an aversion instead.

She may be in a similar state of (or running away from) emotional discomfort, just for quite different reasons / root causes.

I wonder if regarding her flaws and yours as both human and deserving of compassion you can accept this rift in the relationship as just the manifestation of those.

Hopefully your self awareness will bring you to the right help, to reach a place where you aren't at the mercy of your personal pressures / insecurities etc, and that would be wonderful ... and leave you better placed to enjoy any positive relationships that come along.

Maybe she'll travel a similar path or maybe she'll avoid her own demons and remain avoidant etc.

Good luck to you both I say.

@pikkumyy77 thank you. That’s really insightful. I will take a look at the book. I feel like I’ve learnt so much about myself and life in general from everyone’s responses so far. It’s really helpful.

@cerisepanther73 sorry you’ve gone through similar. Good point about relationships waxing and waning. Also you’re right my rejection issues do run deep.

@PoochiesPinkEars thank you for your response. It is good to read a different perspective and you make some valid points about how we each deal with things in different ways. Some people will acknowledge their issues, others will continue regardless.

I’m glad that I have the awareness of what some of my own issues are and have also been educated on this thread about some other ways I can help myself and my approach to life/relationships going forward.

I really do appreciate everybody that’s taken the time to reply. I’m sure it’s quite a frustrating read at times (I know I want to shake myself and get some sense into me lol).

Sounds hard op. I'm the same with a couple of my friends, who sometimes disappear off my radar. I start asking if everything is ok and have I done anything wrong.
It is like torturing ourselves.
I always end up asking to meet for a coffee and saying how it makes me feel. I prefer to know what's what x