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Original poster

Elderly mil in nursing home

73 replies

Cesspit · 14/04/2024 17:38

Dh is very kind but he feels he needs to visit each evening after work (I make dinner for him and do the kids homework - he puts them to bed)

so things are delayed and it’s 9.30 when he gets home (I have put them to bed but then he goes in for goodnight hugs)

thats Not the issue as such but I feel he doesn’t have to visit every single night. We have no evening together. If he was an only child I would understand but all his sibling visit every day or other day and mil sister also in the day

??? I know he is kind so I am going to be quiet about it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/04/2024 17:40

You need to discuss it with him before resentment sets in, unless they think her time left is short lived?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/04/2024 17:41

I worked in elderly care for years.

Some families feel guilty for not looking after relatives themselves, which shows itself in many ways.

He may be struggling with his conscience.

ButterflyKu · 14/04/2024 17:42

If it’s important for him to visit his mum everyday then he should carry on. However, he does have a family that includes children so he should try his best to keep that in mind.

Can you approach the subject and suggest that he comes home from work, helps with dinner/bedtime with the kids/whatever you need and THEN go and visit his mum? Obviously this all depends on how far away he works etc so you’ll know whether that’s a possibility or not.

Is his mum near the end? I can see how it’d be more important to see her each day if so. If not, couldn’t he see her every two days? At least you’d have some evenings together then

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 17:43

No they don’t think it’s short lived .. she is in very good health. But he went to a football match last night so didn’t go in. He was always his mothers favourite. His sister drives and hour and a half every other night to visit her (works full time also) and another visits who lives 2.5 hours on a Sunday. She’s a lucky women for sure to have them all.

if it was short lived I get it but this could be our relationship - no evenings together and he’s there again all afternoon today

OP posts:
Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 17:46

I have gently mentioned a rota (few weeks back) and he said as long as he can help her he will (Paddington stare at me)

both of his grandparents lived with him when they got old and his df passed recently so it could be on his conscious.

we don’t really have much time together socially as he is a non drinker and homebody. He is a man who lives for doing jobs and so on. Not a bad thing I know

OP posts:
aloris · 14/04/2024 18:16

He's probably thinking, "I don't know how much time she has left." But, your marriage also matters and it isn't fair to you to ignore you like this, in my opinion. However, you seem like you are willing to accept it? If so, then, carry on, I suppose.

But if you don't feel it is fair to you, then I think you should speak up. He may not listen or care, but I don't think it would be fair to him to get two or three or five years down the road, become completely resentful, feel that you just want to pack your bags and leave, and then tell him. If you did that, I imagine he'd say, "I thought you were ok with it. You never said anything. If you had said something, I would have cut back on the time I was spending there."

It's really your call how to deal with it?

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:18

Yeah it’s hard as all of them nearly compete for how long they’ve been there. His db visited for five hours today. Dh also visited and will every evening.

there had been suggesting of her moving back home and I feel deep down dh wants her to move into ours.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:32

Ok so we’ve had a chat. He went red. Said you have to be reasonable (I.e. me) and the home is not far and his mother has been though a lot so I will accept that and have to live with empty evenings as his mother is in greater need.

OP posts:
AnnieSF · 14/04/2024 19:33

How old is she?

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:35

81

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/04/2024 19:37

Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:35

81

So you can't do anything in the evenings for the rest of her life?

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:37

I don’t know.. I can do stuff alone as kids nearly secondary age soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:40

I can’t say anymore as I have been firmly given the view here. So that is that. At least he is a good son so he will be good I’m sure to be in old age.

OP posts:
WoodBurningStov · 14/04/2024 19:40

Ironic he might lose his wife and have pt children because he won't compromise. I think a rota isn't an unreasonable request, Especially as you have young dc. She could live another 10 to 15 years, his children will have grown up and moved on by the time he has time to spend with them. I'm sure you won't put up with not seeing him for another 10 years

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:42

I’ll wait and see how the next few weeks pan out. She’s only new to the home and maybe it will settle

OP posts:
Windmill34 · 14/04/2024 19:42

If she’s only just gone in it, it’s early days!
nobody can keep that routine up surely after a full days work.

bloody hell dp mums home is 26 mls from us, dp last saw her Mother’s Day. I think that’s disgusting because he moans it’s too far and you don’t get a conversation (dementia) so just on repeat same 3 questions. I don’t say anything now we’ve had too many disagreements about it

aloris · 14/04/2024 19:43

Well, at least you've now told him how you feel, and he has told you that he's not willing to change anything and that he expects you to just put up with it. So you know where you stand.

What is the rest of your relationship like? Is this the sort of situation where he expects you to basically be grateful for the opportunity to be nothing in life but his housekeeper while he spends his time with the person who is actually important to him (his mother)? Or do you have your own career and friends that you enjoy? Are you able to spend time together on the weekends at all? Or are his weekends taken up with his hobbies and his mom and he ignores you on those days also?

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:46

I have a good career and I independence

I cook and leave a dinner plated up every night for him but I might lessen that & he would then need 40 mins to make something for himself & I wouldn’t feel so taken for granted. In from work eat and out to mam

OP posts:
aloris · 14/04/2024 19:50

Yes, sounds like you might need to give it some time. Right now he may feel that shock of her being in a nursing home, but once she settles in and gets into the routine maybe he won't feel that need to be there so much.

His attitude does seem pretty domineering, however. (You "will accept that." What? As we used to say in the olden days, "Who died and made you God?") You can't stop him from choosing to spend all his free time with his mom and none of it with you. But you aren't obligated to pretend like it's good for your marriage.

shiningstar2 · 14/04/2024 19:54

My dmil was in a care home. She has a big family. They did a rota so she has someone every day. Very rare for there to be no visitor. The rota was on a family WhatsApp so if you were down for day Tuesday and couldn't make it swopped days with someone else. Most people did 2 or 3 days. There was often extra people, like a brother or grown up grandchild. They would also check the rota and add a second slot or just turn up. 😀 I think it worked quite well. She liked people coming but I think that as she gradually got more frail, it would have too much for her if everybody had come everyday. It would have exhausted her keeping so many conversations going. Your DH sounds lovely but you and the children need him as well. Would something like this rota work for him? It wasn't rigid in any way and swops for everybody's convenience happened often.

Mix56 · 14/04/2024 19:55

My Great grandmother went into a home at around 80, she lived to 100.
Just saying,

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 19:55

I think it hurts as when we first married he went home all day Saturdays even when we had our first child. I used to feel resentment as he came home and hungry and I used to have a dinner waiting and his mother said he had so much respect for me as he rushed home to me.

OP posts:
carerlookingtochangejob · 14/04/2024 19:55

I'd turn it on its head.

Point out that he and his siblings are monopolising her evenings and potentially preventing her from joining in with the activities going on. For her sake she would do well to spend some time fitting in and getting to know the others in the home and being part of life there.
I'd find out what evening activities are scheduled and point out to him that she might actually enjoy some of them. That he doesn't have to feel guilty

Motnight · 14/04/2024 20:03

I wonder what MIL wants....

GettingStuffed · 14/04/2024 20:05

If she's in a nursing home she won't be in the best of health . If everything was OK she'd be in a care home. Has DP told you anything about why she's in the home?