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Original poster

Elderly mil in nursing home

73 replies

Cesspit · 14/04/2024 17:38

Dh is very kind but he feels he needs to visit each evening after work (I make dinner for him and do the kids homework - he puts them to bed)

so things are delayed and it’s 9.30 when he gets home (I have put them to bed but then he goes in for goodnight hugs)

thats Not the issue as such but I feel he doesn’t have to visit every single night. We have no evening together. If he was an only child I would understand but all his sibling visit every day or other day and mil sister also in the day

??? I know he is kind so I am going to be quiet about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 20:19

I think there’s a deeper issue in me really that dh settled for me (I think) and he’s a good man.

hes all about his family and we haven’t had a night out together for a year or more. We arranged a babysitter and the kids cried and dh said we can all go out as a family anyway. We usually enjoy sat nights together at home (candles on and few drinks) but is this it for life 🥲🥲🥲🥲 it’s very lonely and boring

OP posts:
Sunnnybunny72 · 14/04/2024 20:28

I wouldn't be happy with your life.
I don't think he's being reasonable.
You and his DC should be his priority. Years you'll never get back.
Never mind 'helping her', what about helping you/ parenting his DC?
He's putting his mother's wants above yours. He's not a good husband nor father and I'd be thinking far less of your MIL for allowing it.

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 20:31

Im not going to say anything for a while but I’m going to give myself 12 months. I have my own house and financial independence, it would break my heart not to have my kids full time. Also he’s good. The spark has gone. I won’t leave him at his lowest when his mum is in care. His brothers wife left him as they had no social life together.

OP posts:
Coldupnorth87 · 14/04/2024 20:40

Sounds like an enmeshed family. Definitely some issues there.

My mil is really ill. Both boys (dh & bil) have said they will look after her but their marriages are their top priority.

PandyMoanyMum · 14/04/2024 20:44

I guess it depends how long this has been going on? I had similar when MIL was in hospital for 4 months and then transferred to a NH. DH very defensive at any suggestion that it was unbalanced. It did settle down eventually to weekend visits but I felt really resentful. Partly because if the boot was on the other foot I knew he wouldn’t pick up the slack.

Dearg · 14/04/2024 20:46

I agree with ColdupNorth87.

  • *I would hope things would settle down as MIL becomes more used to her surroundings. It is still early days. If not, your plan of giving it some time , is a good one. Your DH needs to think of the wife & family he chose to commit to. If he cannot understand that, then he may well lose them.
Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 20:51

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart

I need to give it time. He is really defensive and he knows I haven’t been happy but he is adamant at the moment he needs to do his best for his own mother. We went out for a half hour there and he probably thought that would keep me happy. He asked me did I enjoy it out and I said it was ok. Then he said that didn’t looked like I enjoyed it much.

I was hardly going to do cartwheels 🤸‍♀️ one small drink with the kids with us since our last one three months ago.

OP posts:
snowlady4 · 14/04/2024 21:02

Giving yourself 12 months is sensible. No harm in re-evaluating things from time to time.
You don't want to make a hasty decision when it might all settle down.
If mil has only just moved, the transition period might just take a bit of adjustment for everyone and its nice that they're supporting their mum.
However, your husband absolutely must make you a priority or you will leave! It sounds like he doesn't realise that. You might need to spell it out to him! He might not realise that's a very real outcome here.

Original poster
Cesspit · 14/04/2024 21:09

I wouldn’t leave due to him being good to his mum. That wouldn’t be the reason.

but I will leave if we don’t carve out some kind of life for ourselves as a couple and have some fun at some point in the week. I could cope if it was 12 months and I knew we would get our life back.

OP posts:
AnnieSF · 15/04/2024 00:03

It is early days so hopefully this will settle down into a better pattern. It is traumatic putting a parent into a care home and sometimes you get a great deal of abuse from them. Fingers crossed for you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/04/2024 00:12

My mum has just gone into a nursing home and she is having a visitor every day. However I agree with the previous poster that if she spends too much time with family she won't get to know the other people there. Also with my mum I think having more than one person in a day it's just too much for her.

Although your husband is obviously very kind to his mother he doesn't sound very kind to you. what was it you were talking about when your baby was newborn? Are you saying that he used to go away to his mother's house instead of spending time with you and the baby? That really isn't normal.

nothingsforgotten · 15/04/2024 00:54

My late DM was in care and I visited her once a week - and I'm an only child! We were very close, and I did talk to her on the phone every couple of days, but when she was living at home I didn't visit her every day, and she was alone there, so I didn't feel she needed to see me daily when there were plenty of other people around. I don't know anyone who visits their parent in care every day. Your DH needs to remember that he has a family other than his DM. I think he is being selfish.

TorroFerney · 15/04/2024 11:31

So he’s always prioritised his birth family? It’s not going to get better as they get older and more infirm. I’d stop as you suggest making a meal every night, you being nice and understanding is enabling him to do this. He’s obviously terribly enmeshed, potentially how he’s been conditioned but you don’t have to put up with it.

RandomMess · 15/04/2024 14:25

He's never "leave & cleave" has he?

I'm surprised you have stayed in your marriage this long tbh.

Metoo15 · 15/04/2024 14:47

I wouldn’t be happy either. It’s far too much, he’s being selfish. His mum could have another 20 years left yet. My mum aged 92 is in a care home I’m an only one but only visit twice a week.
We’re retired, but I don’t think it’s fair on my husband or grandchildren if I’m constantly disappearing. Spreading myself too thin wouldn’t help anyone.

cstaff · 15/04/2024 14:52

This sounds really tough OP. My dad was in a nursing home for his last 2 years and my mam used to go in every day bar 1 when my brothers used to go in and keep him company or take him for a pint.

Me and my sis would then go in on another day each so this meant company for my mam when she was visiting and this made her life easier. So my point is that he had visitors every day but it was split between my mam, me and my siblings. If she has dementia she is probably oblivious to who and how long each sibling is there (depending on how far gone she is). Also, we were all pretty close by so was easy from that point of view.

His mam is not going to be around for the next 20/30 years and I presume he is hoping that you will be - but if he keeps this up, well... He needs to think about his own immediate family also. This cant go on indefinitely if he wants to keep his own family together.

WhiteLeopard · 15/04/2024 14:54

YANBU - it's lovely that he's so nice to his mum, but what about you? You also deserve his attention.

I think you would benefit from counselling or a marriage course OP. It would be good to discuss this with a third party present to give you the opportunity to talk this through.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 15/04/2024 15:07

Motnight · 14/04/2024 20:03

I wonder what MIL wants....

Obvs can only post from my POV but I'd be going nuts with all those visitors every day. She's trying to settle in and make sense of her new environment and meet people and she's got relatives hovering all the time.

BabyBoyBeautiful · 15/04/2024 15:25

He's not from a farming family by any chance is he?
I see this a lot amongst farmers, families are deeply enmeshed and wives/children definitely end up at the bottom of the pile!!

Windmill34 · 15/04/2024 15:44

How old are you both ? Age of children ?

Do you think he’s an introvert? Ie like home life rather than going to places ? and your more confident?

not saying what he’s doing/saying is right by the way

DPotter · 15/04/2024 16:01

12 months - you're a far more patient woman than I.

I'd start carving out that independent social life right now - book club, evening classes, pub quiz night. And I'd be getting a baby sitter. Yes the kids may be a bit upset, but they will have to learn to be with other people.

I would also start making date nights - once a month / birthdays etc, just for you and your DH. Cinema, dinner out whatever. A proper evening, not just 30 mins - God how insulting. When your birthday OP ? - get yours and the kids birthdays in the diary and insist on being taken out somewhere.

Also agree that your MIL needs to be given space to find her feet

Farahfawsett · 15/04/2024 16:12

If he can miss an evening with his mum to go to a football match, he can miss an evening with her to save his marriage. It can't be one rule for a football and a different one for you 🤷‍♀️

Why don't you alternate and tell him that at least one night a week he needs to come home, make dinner and bath and bed the kids and you'll come home to a cooked meal and then pop over to his mum's for a chat?

Another night he can come home, the kids can have a snacky tea and he can take them with him to visit her, he'll need to keep the visit short then because of bedtime and you'll get the evening together when he's home.

He's not just a son, he's a father and a husband too and those roles are important.

Original poster
Cesspit · 15/04/2024 17:01

BabyBoyBeautiful yes spot on !! Farming family and very emershed l. The family what’s app each other approx 20 times a day. I don’t get involved.

He’s introverted, non drinker, strict catholic - he thinks he not but he absolutely is. Extremely traditional. They all blow each other up and think the sun shines out of their backside. In reality they are strange enough in my opinion.

Dh is a very good person !!! Have to say this. Very loyal and decent. Do I want to live my whole life this way - a question for another day.

OP posts:
aloris · 15/04/2024 17:32

If he were really Catholic he would put his marriage first. Leave and cleave, etcetera.

FreeTheBeast · 15/04/2024 17:33

You sound very passive about your own life. My husband is introverted and whilst we love each other dearly we don't have masses in common. I still have a good life. I have friends and hobbies that I do on my own. I wouldn't be sitting at home every evening cooking and waiting for him to return. Your kids are old enough for a babysitter. Get them used to it and start going out and enjoying yourself. The whole situation sounds so dull.

His sister sounds even more crazy if she is driving that far every other evening. That's surely not sustainable. I almost feel sorry for the MIL.