Elderly mil in nursing home

[Cesspit]

Dh is very kind but he feels he needs to visit each evening after work (I make dinner for him and do the kids homework - he puts them to bed)

so things are delayed and it’s 9.30 when he gets home (I have put them to bed but then he goes in for goodnight hugs)

thats Not the issue as such but I feel he doesn’t have to visit every single night. We have no evening together. If he was an only child I would understand but all his sibling visit every day or other day and mil sister also in the day

??? I know he is kind so I am going to be quiet about it

This is bonkers! Competitive parent visiting??!! What about his loyalty to you and his children OP. Why don't you matter?

I could see his conflict if it was lonely elderly mother vs young healthy family. But if he's fine not seeing her because of football, it's obviously not that his DM is top priority. Things he enjoys and / or get him brownie points are top priority, you simply aren't that important to him.

What does he say when you point out that you'd like to think his wife and children are more important than football, so whats all that about?

if I say anything he says I need to be reasonable and his mother needs him. I totally totally get that !!!

what I don’t get why is it every single day when other siblings are in? He obviously doesn’t want to spend time with me. When he gets in he showers as he leaves at 7.30 so by 10pm he’s on the sofa nodding off. Doesn’t want to get a babysitter so we can go out together at the weekend.

Sorry he leaves for work 7.30 am so I do the childminder runs. I do homework and dinner and sort uniforms. I also work and am on same salary as him. Just slightly shorter day (30 mins earlier)

Thought so!
When you grow up with it you can spot it a mile off.
Without a miracle he won't change, it is generations of learned behaviour, in their mind kids are on par with the animals. The wife raises them to become useful, once they are old enough they get put to work and move up the pecking order. Perhaps if you are lucky once his mother dies you will also move up the pecking order, it won't happen whilst she is alive though.
I'd either make peace with it or get out now depending on how you feel.

I am grateful for your insight!! We don’t live on the farm and none of it belongs to dh but he will work on it if asked - I have to say when we married I questioned him a lot, it doesn’t provide income for us and he doesn’t have the status of owning it.

i won’t do anything yet as it’s too raw

Dh grew up on the farm but he was sent away to boarding school.

Oh yes, I forgot about that. You are expected to work your arse off for most of your adult life for little/no return on the 'promise' it will all be yours one day......one day usually comes when you are in your 50's and too bloody broken and knackered to enjoy the fruits of your labour and so the cycle continues down the generations.
I am a farmers daughter, I very happily live in a terraced house with no animals in sight now (except for normal pets!) and no longer speak to my (still farming) parents. It is a very old fashioned lifestyle and I didn't want that for my children, when my parents realised I was not interested in the farm at all they really didn't bother much with us and had no interest in my children.
I think you will probably leave him one day as the changes he would need to make to keep you happy are probably beyond him. Hope I'm wrong though.

I think we have survived as he moved into my (terrace house)
his mother grew up calling their father and then the eldest son ‘the boss’

dh maintains he had a idyllic life 🙃his mother was never taken anywhere. It was all about the farm, prayer and hardship

I wonder if he realises if you ever split up he would need to have the children and not be at his mums every night. He can only do this because of you. I might point this out in passing sometime.
DH went to stay with his mum every weekend for months and months (before she died, which we didn’t know would happen) after a bout of illness. The problem being is he did extra long days at work so he could leave early on a Friday to travel. He barely saw DD in all this time. He also felt incredibly guilty even though she had never put the same effort into caring for him.

I think if things had carried on I would have put my foot down. He has to see the children too. The fact he went to football is taking the piss frankly.

“if I say anything he says I need to be reasonable and his mother needs him”
In response to this I would say “But I need you too”
His Mum could live 20 years! He can’t just check out of being a Husband and a Father. Every night, bloody hell, of course it’s not acceptable. I understand he wants to be there for his Mum - but you need to clearly point out that in order for him to do that he is making your life harder - you are left to do all the cooking and parenting. And it is meaning that he is neglecting his wife and children. Your marriage just won’t survive if he puts his mums needs above yours and your children’s. Honestly it would be a LTB situation for me. He is clearly telling you that you and the children are not his priority, not even for one night of the week.

Yep, sounds about right!
I was regularly told how great my childhood was and how much better off I was than other children......it didn't feel like it when it was minus ten degrees and I was mucking forty+ cattle out at 11 years old.
Honestly, it's a weird world farmers inhabit and you are very much in or out.
I'm glad to be out!

If your MIL is in very good health, why is she in a nursing home? You can't access the FNC element of the fees unless you've been signed off as having health needs by a professional.

Are you sure she's not in a residential home?

If I were mil I would want an hour to myself! This is family overkill for sure

Residential home yes

If she's in a residential home rather than a nursing home then she may have many more years to live. Your dh needs to.cut down on visits if he's hoping to have any sort of relationship with his children

So he's treating you like staff? Sod that. Take the kids out to eat/activity after school and he can manage for himself

If a woman frequently visits her mother, the responses would likely differ.

The issue seems to be with the person who posted (OP). He hasn't shown much interest in family or in the relationship with you for a long time. Despite this, you've chosen to stay and have even had multiple children, which adds to your challenges.

It sounds like the relationship has been stagnant for a while, but neither of you has acknowledged it and you both continue to stay.

Things won't improve; this is the reality. You're not obligated to stay in this situation.

If you're unhappy, the responsibility lies with you, not him.

There's nothing wrong with him prioritizing himself and others, but it's concerning that his wife and children are low on his list of priorities.

It might be time to accept that the relationship has reached its end. He won't become the ideal man you want; this is who he is.

Don't continue to live unhappily.

So he's all about his family?

So what about this kids, who never see him because they're in bed asleep when he gets home?

He's not about family at all. He's just enmeshed with his mum and siblings. He couldn't give a damn about his wife and children. He's like a little boy who hasn't grown up.

What does he say when you tell him that his own children need him?

Honestly, I couldn't put up with this. I loved my MIL and I loved that my late DH cared about her. But he was a husband and a dad first.

In your other thread you said your mil died a few weeks ago?

Ah. So she did.

What's the matter with people who do this?

I get people changing up details occasionally to prevent outing (I’ve done it myself with the sex of friends or relatives when posting, or changed ages up a bit) but killing off MIL then putting her in a home is a bit of a leap!