Why do you come on MN Relationships and offer advice?

[InterplanetaryCraft]

I’ve wondered about this issue for ages, including in relation to myself. What are people’ personal motivations?

I will add my own motivations a little further down the thread - still thinking about this too – but don’t want to influence other people’s by starting first, if that makes sense.

I read relationship threads a lot, comment sometimes. It's because I really wish I had had MN when I was younger and in an abusive relationship.

I spend too much time on here in general as I have health issues so can't get out as I'd really like to.

I don't like the relationship threads too much as other topics are more relevant. But, the odd one does stand out and I'd add a comment.

I have lived with abusive behaviour and have become quite au fait with red flags for emotionally abusive traits, narcissistic personalities, gaslighting etc. I always find these type of threads interesting when OP isn't sure what's happening, has little support, has been gaslit and therefore wants to gauge whether what they're experiencing with their partners is ' bad' or not.

@InterplanetaryCraft

Emotional maturity and insight due to really negative experinces and passage of time,

Also just wish something like Mumsnet had been around in teenage years and twenties for sound Emotionally intelligent advice,

I don't like to see other women and sometimee men struggling in understanding issues etc in regards of relantships, in a similar situations as myself..

I just read threads and respond, but in terms of motivation - because at one point I needed an advice, I desperately needed someone to tell me I was not overreacting and it was ok to leave. Instead, in real life, people tended to brush me off, expect to smile and say nothing and then tried to convince me to stay...to only then, weeks down the line, admit my ex was a dickhead

real life can be a shit echo chamber, online offers variety of perspective - even if you don't take advice, it may show you that not everyone parrots what your immediate circle may say

I'm very old, and have seen a lot of life. I wish someone had brought me up to have solid boundaries, and I wish there had been strong women around to advocate for me when times were tough.

I wish that I had just had ONE person to say, 'No. That's not ok. You should not have to tolerate that'.

Mills and Boon have a lot to answer for in my mind, with 'strong Alpha males' as romantic leads. Many of them (growing up in the 70s) were downright abusive, frankly. And we were told that was aspirational as a way of being treated.

@PaintedEgg

Interesting insightful emotionally itself post...

And some people, especially on Mn, don't even have an 'immediate circle'. There are an awful lot of posters on here who say they are friendless apart from their DP/DH, who is their 'best friend', so what happens when (a) that relationship goes sour and there's literally no one in their corner, apart from the person who's making them miserable, or (b) they realise this relationship was always exploitative and uneven?

Similar to this.

I was reading Mumsnet during my marriage, although I never posted for advice, because I knew what you'd all say 😂

It'd be good if my experiences, and sometimes what I wish I'd done in situations could help others in some way.

Also, less altruistically, because I've always found people's relationships fascinating.

I’m the one that my friends come to as I’m quite straight talking and don’t fluff. I’m single at mo because I refuse to tolerate BS and my boundaries are high so I want to pass that on to others that you don’t have to settle for crumbs or not being treated right.

Im usually on here when I’m at work in quiet spells

I was on a forum waaaay back called “Glitter”. I would post about my relationship problems and the women there opened my eyes. Someone posted in giant caps “YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. GET OUT.”

It changed my life. I didn’t know. I really didn’t. And it took years to actually believe it. But that message from an American lady across the pond clicked something in my brain.

I genuinely want to do this for others.

Same here Graywitch2.

This. I also grew up in the 70s. I have two failed marriages both to abusers because I didn’t know any better. 3 years of counselling put that right.

because I understand the need to be loved, and we’d and want a partner but not with a wanker.

For me, it's a facet of my endless frustration at the way women have been socialised to accept less and to take on more. I think so often these stories reflect the way in which we're set up to be in inequitable relationships and too often in real life, as a PP says, a woman's concerns are pooh poohed. Sometimes that's because the people she's talking to know the man in real life and so they just focus on the "good" things about him and sometimes it's becuase expectations are so low (i've lost count of the number of women on MN over the years who have said that they speak to their mum for example who tells them they should be "grateful" he has a good job or whatever).

I feel like coming on here and saying to women, "No, that's not ok. It's not fair and you don't have to accept that, even if the people around you tell you it's normal" can be so powerful.

Also, in real life, I'm sure I know many women who are being abused in some way but it's hidden. And the few who I DO know about, I've SEEN how hard it has been to extricate themselves. So sometimes it feels like doing this is a proxy for the women I actually know who I can't help.

I don’t look on particular boards, just the Active threads list. I don’t take much notice of what topic they are in. I just click on things that interest me. Relationships interest me because of toxic ones I’ve experienced.

I generally only comment when people are in the first throes of marriage breakdown. I started my own thread when it happened to me and was really grateful for the support. Especially as my exH didn’t want us telling anyone at first (I went along with this, desperate that he would change his mind…)

I’m no expert on anything. Maybe just want to say, ‘you’re not alone and it gets better with time.’

I don't very often any more. But I used to because I received such incredible support from MN when I was very very low and it feels right to pay that forward and keep it going.

I am also hugely grateful to MN Relationships-ers because they showed me that I could raise my standards higher than I ever thought possible. I tend to think in general society's standards for men in relationships are set far too low and I like to contribute to that sort of general raising of expectations.

Mumsnet in general is entertainment for me as we all know it can be batshit at times.

However, if I'm flicking through any thread in any topic and I think I can be of help, I'll chip in.

There's no actual 'motivation' really.

Because I hate the thought of people feeling trapped, alone and like they have no options.

no one deserves to live in misery, we all also make mistakes and none of us are perfect, so I try to make people feel a little better about their situation and that they are seen and supported.

Abuse. I didn't realise for a long time that what was happening to me was abuse. My ex would bang on about 'battered women' and it never occurred to me that he was financially, emotionally and sexually abusing me, because he wasn't physically abusing me.

If I can help another woman who is being abused feel heard and know that they are not alone and that they have choices, even when it seems they don't, then I will keep contributing. Unless you've been through it, I'm not sure you can fully understand how nuanced and subtle some of the behaviours can be.

I think it's important to know that you can come out the other side and lead a happy life.

Why do you ask what motivation people have? Surely it is to offer help, support and advice? Are you trying to imply that some people have other motives and do it for other reasons?

This is what I wondered.

Although a few years back there was a very strange lady who was all over relationships, advising all and sundry, who actually bought a separate mobile phone to have MNetters phone her with their problems 😬

Waaaaay too far imo.

Relationships is by far my favourite topic on MN. I've been in some shut relationships whereby I was too naive, optimistic and trusting to see how bad some of the problems were so feel I can now offer a but of advice.

No decent woman wants to see another woman suffer at the hands of men. I also think that for whatever reason women can be driven almost crazy by some of their bad behaviours, leading them to doubt themselves. During one relationship I nearly checked myself into a mental health facility as my head was like a cabbage. Only didn't because I ran into a friend on the way who stopped me and made me see sense.

There's nothing worse than not being able to trust yourself, add to this the amount of men who tell us we're crazy and we often believe them as why would someone who claims to love us not have our best interests at heart.

Reading and absorbing the advice on the relationships board helped me act quickly and decisively when my exh attacked me 5 years ago. I was frozen in place in the moment, but as soon as he went downstairs I called the police and he was arrested. I started my own thread to help sort my head out and the support I received was instrumental in helping me end the relationship there and then.

So, I try to pass along the support in some small way myself.

I chip in on topics I have direct experience of - living with an abusive alcoholic. I know how difficult it and soul-destroying.
When I was married to him and dying inside, a couple of posters were so kind to me - Atila and another woman called Cogito Ergo Sum and I was so touched at the time that they had bothered to be nice to me and advise me. I will never forget them.

Because previously in an abusive relationship where I felt it was my duty to fix him and for my dc to have parents in a relationship. I did not believe I could do it on my own, but I did and myself and dc now have amazing lifes. Exh continued to be abusive in his relationships until he went too far with his emotional blackmail and his game of chicken with overdoses failed when his GF turned her phone off. Life is so much better and I wish I could have seen it earlier and I wish people told me, life did not have to be that way.