Why do you come on MN Relationships and offer advice?

[InterplanetaryCraft]

I’ve wondered about this issue for ages, including in relation to myself. What are people’ personal motivations?

I will add my own motivations a little further down the thread - still thinking about this too – but don’t want to influence other people’s by starting first, if that makes sense.

I have posted quite a lot about my own relationship and I'm the midst of getting untangled (hopefully). But the confidence and mindset change that MN (+ therapy) has helped me have in the space of a year is crazy and I've found myself commenting on threads similar to mine as I feel like they could use advice from someone who is still "in it" but seeing the light if that makes sense. Even a few months ago I felt so confused and sure I was the problem whereas I now KNOW it's him. Granted I haven't left yet but my mindset is just night and day and I really really understand that things aren't my fault. And if I can help someone leave (and leave faster) then I have to chip in as I think MN has a big part to play in me realising how bad things have been and that I deserve SO much better.

As for me, I sometimes post if I see something that sounds familiar to me.

Difficult/narcissistic mothers is probably my specialist subject, though I don’t always have the answers. Sometimes I don’t post if it feels too painful for me.

I also don’t like the way women are increasingly being encouraged into accepting dodgy sexual personas and tastes by society and some men, and the encouragement to be the “cool girl”.

I don’t usually comment on abusive relationships as such, but do occasionally on those kind of “He’s just not that into you threads”. Again my (unfortunate) experience when I was young and romantic and wanted someone to love me who couldn’t/didn’t and I was a bit lost in that. It’s easy to forget at my age the pain and struggle of this when one is young and in love perhaps.

Sometimes I will also hop in to defend a
random OP if I feel there some kind of attacking pile-on going on. I’m not talking about the odd, reasonable criticism.

Im also older 60 + and some disabilities and have the time - perhaps this gives me some kind of social outlet to help people when I can’t do much in real life.

There can be a side effect in return, it can make me reflect more deeply, or l find some new thought or way of looking at things that hadn’t occurred to me. So occasionally there might be this unintended positive consequence. Sometimes I just like the way other people write and am in awe of their insights or genuine kindness.

I usually come here in little bursts. Once in a blue moon I will post myself, but very rarely as I know I am sensitive to being misunderstood.

Yea someone mentioned “passing wisdom” down, that’s the simpler way of saying it. Also the occasional WWYD as another poster mentioned, which combines experience and imagination perhaps, like empathy and a puzzle to solve.

@Endoftheroad12345

abuse in a relationship is the fleck of shit in the Michelin starred meal. Even if 99.9% of the meal is perfect, you wouldn’t eat it if you knew someone had flicked dog shit into it. I found that so helpful … instead of justifying staying because of “all the good stuff”

That’s brilliant.

@OriginalUsername2

Isn’t it? It completely changed my mindset. I wish I remember who said it.

It helped me to realise that no, he wasn’t an essentially good/nice man who had an anger problem triggered by stress/anxiety/an emotionally stunted family, whatever.

He was an abusive man who could be nice but only if everything was going perfectly.

The slightest work stress, the slightest curveball, the slightest difference of opinion and he would lose it. One of the final straws for me was him completely losing the plot and smashing up the kitchen because I disagreed with him over getting blinds measured up for DS’ room. He was “stressed”. I get stressed too. Big job, little kids, lack of sleep etc - it’s stressful. I have never assaulted anyone or made anyone in my family feel unsafe because I was “stressed”. Only abusive people do that, or think it’s a legitimate excuse.

Those holidays on the Amalfi coast were lovely but who isn’t lovely when they’re lying on a lounger by the mediterranean in Positano?! I lived for the 4-5 weeks a year we were on (ever more extravagant) holidays. Daily life was bloody awful, despite all our material privilege.

Similar to Greywitch and others. I have been around a while and had experiences and insights to share.
A forum for (mainly) women is a modern day equivalent of the communal fire, where the women of the tribe or the village sat round and talked through problems, shared ideas and jokes, and supported each other.

I’m more interested in relationships with friends and family, rather than exclusively with husbands and partners.

I was quick to take offence when I was younger, very self-absorbed, had a major falling-out with a brother in my 30s. But with hindsight and increasing tolerance as I’ve matured, I am more able to see both sides.

So when I see young women working themselves up and in danger of causing permanent or long-standing ruptures, often with a chorus of ‘she’s a bitch, go no-contact’ on here, I want to try and calm it down and give an idea of the possible motivation or feelings of the other person.

It’s partially ‘don’t make the mistakes I did’ and partially ‘don’t let the baying mob bamboozle you into actions which will have serious repercussions’.

I'm really interested in people and relationships.!I have a lot of personal and professional experience so I hope I can be helpful.

I also see a lot of really poor advice and some awful treatment of people in desperate situations and I find it really upsetting.

I'm ok with some straight talking but bullying someone to leave an abusive relationship is cruel and counter productive. Sometimes it's ignorance but from a good place and sometimes it has to be deliberate.

I think there is a lack of compassion here sometimes that I feel we need for each other.

So my reasons are mixed but I have good intentions when I give advice.

This is me too, I had such great support on here when things were finally blowing up around me with my abusive alcoholic husband. I was also in a RL support group, and between those two things I was able to stand strong, get me and the DC out and recover. So I support on MN, especially where there's addiction involved, and I now run the group that saved me.

Because I want women in their 40s to know their worth, and for them not to settle for geriatric men, or those who mistreat them.

If only I had known about mumsnet in the early 00’s. I was so isolated in an abusive relationship and I say this as someone who was surrounded by family and friends. So many people I could have talked to but the shame of a failed marriage. Then single in my 40s I was certainly a willing participant in the “pick me dance” while dating post divorce. Mumsnet educated me on that! I comment on threads if I think I have something valuable insightful or encouraging to say to OP. I’m in a different time zone so often good advice is already on the post and I read only. I give advice as I would in real life…kindly relevantly and try for a “think about this “ tone. I use the “thanks” button on other posts when I feel solid insightful helpful advice has been given because I do appreciate the posters who know what they are talking about and share knowledge.

I'm interested in people, their lives and how they tick so am drawn to the threads about relationships to read them, rather than with an intention to advise on them. Then I find that either the situation resonates and I may be able to offer an insight from my own experience, or I want to reassure an OP, or urge them to be safe. Sometimes because I think some other advice is unhelpful or judgemental and I want to offer balance. Also, I'm old, I've experienced lots of things, my own life is in a reasonable place and I want to support and help other women if I can. It's what I do in RL and its habit I guess.

I’ve had great advice on here and like to offer it where i can. I’ve got lots of life experience and share it where it’s relevant. I also don’t have a ‘mum’ as such as she abandoned me emotionally when I was 14 and has been horrible ever since. I get some comfort seeing there are some lovely people out there. I also find the threads fascinating, people are real on here not hiding behind instagram images of ‘perfect lives’ so it’s a way of finding out a bit more about what’s really happening in real peoples lives.

Because reading about people's great distress and hopelessness upsets me and I like to try and offer a glimmer of light.

And on this board I have had much help for which I am grateful

It's interesting that nobody has said that they post in order to give someone who's already down a good kicking, because that's what I'm seeing more and more on here.

A recent post was particularly extreme: the OP listed all her XP's abusive behaviour, then said she was experiencing self doubt, confusion, low self esteem, trying to make sense of it all,obsessive thoughts about him, etc....all the signs of trauma caused by an emotionally abusive relationship. Only to get a tsunami of "WHY ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT HIM ARE YOU CRAZY LOOK HE'S OBVIOUSLY BAD WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU" posts from people with evidently no understanding of the after effects of emotional abuse. Still, I suppose it made them feel better about themselves eh 🙄

I comment because I'm a divorce lawyer and have seen the inside of 100s of relationships professionally and so feel like I can add an objective perspective. It's also refreshing to be honest to the point of bluntness, whereas with my clients there is a lot more pussy-footing around!

Same

@crackofdoom , I got one of those threads. I was not in a good place and the replies I got were awful.

I also started a thread in Work, and one or two posters were 'blunt'.
The work issue turned out to be my colleague I was relying on for work was WFH and doing childcare at the same time. Had I listened to one poster I'd have resigned.

The 'men and women can be friends, get help for your paranoia' replies irritate me. OP's DH/DP usually turns out to have an OW.

Yeah, seconded. I recognise so much of what went on in my marriage (1980s) and if MN had been around I'd have saved myself two years of grief and stress. Or at least have been more clued up about what I could do.

Yep yep yep!

@crackofdoom I sometimes get frustrated in a similar but different way when an OP is struggling to leave because of an emotionally abusive/ controlling/manipulative man. The manipulation often takes the form of him making her feel responsible for him and she's spent years thinking it's up to her to ensure he's emotionally, physically, financially safe and then posters are yelling at her that he's evil and doing it on purpose and the poor OP almost always disappears. I find it so frustrating because these women have had YEARS of being manipulated and feeling sorry for these men and other posters think it's helpful to call him "evil" or whatever and are shocked when the OP doesn't immediately realise and toss him out on his ear.

As I said earlier, that's why I often come on these threads. So many women in these situations have been beaten down for years and they need support.

Basically, my motivation would be the same as when I offer advice on any thread - if I feel that I have some experience that might be relevant, or can offer some support or advice that might help the OP.

It’s partially ‘don’t make the mistakes I did’ and partially ‘don’t let the baying mob bamboozle you into actions which will have serious repercussions’.

@HeddaGarbled great summary, I hear you!

@waftabout and @crackofdoom 🙌

I’ve come to believe that many social media platforms are not great for sensitive types. There are good things and insights here and there. But lots of people gather with all kinds of unseen wild and hostile and even narcissistic energy, that can create another layer of damage.

There are perhaps more supportive “niche” places if one looks for them, in real life and online. Sometimes hard to find admittedly. Therapy is also often better imo. Perhaps the exception is where there is clearly an abusive relationship, where the person needs to start to quickly create a path out, then MN is all hands on deck. I guess MN represents a kind of wide-field standing bay, hit and miss.