Do I stop initiating sex? Sad and feeling confused :(

[middleagebumpyroad]

Hi there ,
I’ve been with DP just over 4 years. We are both on 40’s though he’s 5 years younger. We don’t live together as we both have DC however in a month had at least 50% together day and night as my kids are at their dads 50% of time and he only has his every other weekend and holidays as they live an hour away. So anyway … sex has always been great with my DP, he has no issues getting hard, can last for ages and go the second round within 10 mins of climax.
However what I’ve noticed is sex for last few months has been initiated by me. Sometimes I will just initiate as I want that closeness as well as the sex and think if I don’t I’ll feel frustrated and sad.
So, basically because of Easter hols plus both of us being sick, we haven’t had sex in 10 days. He’s staying over from tomorrow night till Wednesday morning. I’m thinking not to initiate sex while he’s here and see what happens.
I did mention on text jokingly last night that since being on pill it seems to have been a curse as we’ve had less sex ( some of this is due to have less nights together as I needed to have older DC more and she doesn’t want dp to stay over as she’s still got ick her mums in a relationship).
that text was ignored as he just messaged good night. I don’t want to bring it up again just see what happens. Has anyone else done this and what was the outcome?
I did mention it before Christmas and then he got more proactive at initiating. But I don’t know if the issue was that I took over and in a way don’t let him initiate. I’m not sure if I’m the problem?
On a normal week we’d have sex 3 times at best and twice at worst. It always lasts from
30 mins to an hour.
anyway I think I’m not gonna initiate this weekend. I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve - I will probably hurt myself tbh. He’s happy rug out sex life, really enjoys it and always compliments me during the act on what I’m doing but not really telling me how much he fancies me.
if you read this far thank you and sorry if I’ve rambled!

I'm not sure I see the problem here.
You have sex often. He's present, seems to enjoy it, compliments you during the act, he's responsive when you initiate. You seem happy with his performance.

What exactly is the problem then? That you initiate more than he does? So what?
As long as he's not rejecting your advances or making you feel like you're having to persuade him, it's all good, isn't it?
Is there anything else, any underlying issue, which would explain why you're looking for a problem in your sex life when I'm sure most people on here would love to have your kind of sex life?

Relax OP, it sounds like you are overthinking, especially if he's given you no other cause for concern and everything is OK generally. Don't initiate and wait and see what happens before you imagine the worst. If he still shows no interest then you can have that conversation, but see how it goes first.

Instead of a weird game of "if I don't...will be?" Why not communicate? "DP I love our sex life and really enjoy being intimate with you! I've noticed that I seem to be doing the initiating - is this a problem for you or do you prefer it that way?" Depending on his response you can move forward from there...?

I think maybe my underlying issue is that he never tells me I look beautiful ect or compliments me in that kind of way when you are in a relationship. He is loving, cuddles, hand holds at home or when out out or will always have his hand on my inner thigh if we are at cinema ect and will always kiss me even if he’s popping out. I suppose I just want that feeling of being really wanted in a passionate way.
In response to why I don’t bring it up ., I’m worried about my wording or moment. Like when do I say this to him? Also I just want him to do it without me saying anything as to me that will make me feel like I made him to it and that he’s not doing it cause he wants to.
I already said to him before Xmas when he was messaging me something mundane that I missed the excitement of early days when he would just come over and want to have sex within half an hour. He took heed over the Xmas holidays but was back to square one by mid Jan.
but yes maybe I’m over thinking here and the problem is me. I’m listening to you all and taking it all on board.

I mean if you need him to tell you you’re beautiful you need to say that. It’s a bit needy and after 4 years folks don’t tend to do this much, I mean I can’t recall the last time I said to my husband he was handsome. But if that’s what you need you need to tell him

That is a lot of sex. Seems like you have a very high sex drive

I did this with exdh and it was a year! Hence the ex. We're still friends though.

DH is the opposite. And he tells me I'm beautiful and I compliment him. We've been together 16 years.

Is this a love languages thing combined with you being a bit insecure? Because from what you wrote he obviously fancies you...

Maybe he can't keep up that high level of sex. 30mins to 1hr of sex 3 times a week and you don't even live together. That is A LOT

I think your expectations of a 4-year relationship really need to be examined.
Hardly anyone has that same passionate relationship where you just want to rip each others clothes off as soon as you walk through the door after a few months or years.
And take away the actual words of him telling you you're beautiful. Isn't he communicating in his own way that he loves you very much? If you think of actions as a form of language, a way to express your feelings, aren't his actions telling you exactly what you need to know?
He kisses you
He holds your hand in public
Lots of affection
Lots of intimacy and sex
When you ask him for more passion, he will respond by doing so

Jeez, and even that's not enough...
We all have a language to communicate our love and affection for our spouse. Try to see all the things he's already doing for you. And if you need him to be more verbal about it, then go ahead and tell him that. From what I've heard about him, you've got one of the good ones who will try his best to give you what you need.

Yes I think the issue maybe higher sex drive. I’ve been like this all my life so a bit of a curse. It’s not something I would break up with him over as he is kind and loving. My love language isn’t limited to sex, I love doing things for him like cooking or doing things to make his life easier and he does the same for me and does all my diy jobs or will help me with chores when he stays over. I’m just a very passionate girl I suppose and just need to manage expectations of him.

Yes I intend on doing thing just for my own sanity. I just really feel I need him to initiate. I know I am prob coming across on this thread as a needy self obsession sex manic lol.

At least your being honest about your issues, although calling yourself a girl made me cringe a little. Have you really a high sex drive or do you want sex as it affirms your partner is attracted to you. As there is a theme of neediness arising, it does make me wonder if you’re just wanting sex or if it is about full filling your neediness and confirming attraction?

@Janetime yes I am cringing now at calling myself a girl! And I think it might be a bit of both. In terms of neediness I don’t think this has been a theme with me in the past though I’m not denying that what I’m saying and doing now is needy. I am not sure whether I am maybe having a mid life crisis or if I need to refocus my energy on myself and find things outside of our relationship that make me happy and make me think less.

Perhaps not mentioning what you’re missing (what he’s failing to do in his eyes?) could be flipped to what you’re enjoying him doing, making him feel good.

We don’t live together as we both have DC however in a month had at least 50% together day and night as my kids are at their dads 50% of time and he only has his every other weekend and holidays as they live an hour away.

Not the point of the thread but an hour isn't that far at all. Sounds like a lazy parent.

Also as I needed to have older DC more and she doesn’t want dp to stay over as she’s still got ick her mums in a relationship).

After 4 years? Are you sure there isn't more to it? Do they get on?

There was a couple of mentions about that being a high level of sex, 3 times a week when you don't live together and you're in your 40s seems like a normal amount, not particularly high.

He isn’t a lazy parent I meant he can’t have his kids in the week as an overnight stay due to distance to take them to school
and back but he still does that drive on the weekday when it’s not his weekend just to collect them after school, take them for a bite to eat and see the them She never drops or collects them so he will do a lot of driving on a weekday when he has work to see his kids. So your assumption is far from the reality. He does alot for my children too.

My older daughter does get on with him but I need to respect that she’s 17 and doesn’t like the idea of her mum being in a relationship. I am respecting that as you cannot force blended families onto kids that are older or indeed any child. My older daughter does the same to ExH partner too, doesn’t want her to stay over - that’s a completely seperate thread that she’s in denial about both her parents and it’s not uncommon as she had a very happy life with us as a family.

I hope I’ve answered all your questions here that are unrelated to the problem I came on here with .

Why do you want to have sex with someone you're not even comfortable to talk about sex with?

The issue here isn't sex: it's communication, and you're doing this to yourself. Talk to him.

I think maybe my underlying issue is that he never tells me I look beautiful ect or compliments me in that kind of way when you are in a relationship.

Four years in? And really, 'beautiful'? Do you really expect someone to say that to you? It sounds a bit much. How many beautiful people do you know? It sounds as though he is affectionate and obviously finds you attractive.

Also OP, bear in mind some men are not very good at compliments, it sounds like he is pretty good with physical touch and reassurance though so is showing you he finds you attractive. Remember actions speak louder than words!

What is wrong with ‘beautiful’ ?? There are many people who consider others to be ‘beautiful’!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Humble brag

I get it once a month if I'm lucky and it's disappointing.

I do think you need to communicate with your partner more clearly. Don't play games by not initiating sex to see what happens. Your both adults and actually it sounds like you you have a good relationship. So there's no reason not to have a plain conversation about it - even if you feel a bit awkward.
I like the way @urrrgh46 has phased it above.

I'm also in a 4 year relationship after a divorce so similar to you. Sometimes my partner goes through phases of not initiating sex - or not wanting it so often. I talk to him about it - and usually in his case it case hes's worried about something or tired from working.
Also like your DP - he very rarely gives me compliments - it's just not something he does. I've learned to live with it - and realise its just his way - but he shows his feelings to me in other ways... So I know he loves me. And then on the rare occasions when he does say I look nice or whatever - I know it really means something and I appreciate it more.

It just sounds over the top and princessy.

The majority of people are not beautiful. That doesn't meant your partner doesn't find you attractive. I'd find it ingenuine, personally, because I know I'm not beautiful! It sounds like the predictable kind of thing men say to butter you up - actions over words.

The problem as I see it is sex to you is linked in with your self-esteem, so less sex, for other good reasons of life demands, or just because not everyone would want as much, makes you start doubting your attraction and it dents your ego. At some point you are going to have to accept that people get busy in life and less sex is not all about you. Not many would match your needs at your age, except a man who has his ego wrapped up in sex, so needs it a lot too for reassurance. This situation happens on both sides, you do find that those with the biggest drives are relying on it too much to prop their ego up.
You're other half sounds pretty normal, tbf if you initiate 3 x per week, that would be plenty for most and doesn't leave any opportunity to initiate. Beware of complaining about things as that is more likely to put a person off it more.
If you don't want to always initiate, don't, hold back and see if he does. If in response he doesn't for a long time and so nothing happens- not counting days when busy as you really can't count them - then consider if this relationship is for you.